When your spouse says you need to lose..

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Replies

  • sweetchildomine
    sweetchildomine Posts: 872 Member
    As humans we always want more (or in this case less!) If he came to you and asked "Babe, would you want me to earn $100 000 more?" you'd probably answer hell yes. That doesn't mean that you love him any less right now. Set idealistic goals FOR YOURSELF and then make them a reality!

    THIS!!!!
  • kooltray87
    kooltray87 Posts: 501 Member
    This is a long story that I will hopefully make short.....

    Before boyfriend...
    HW 163
    LW 145

    Met boyfriend (150)
    HW 155ish
    CW 140
    GW 135

    He complained about my ever growing gut and said I could use some toning....this was without my asking his opinion :-/ I began dieting and exercising and am now 15 lbs lighter and a lot leaner....Now I ask what he thinks and he says he hates that I lost so much weight. I would love nothing more than to punch him in HIS ever growing gut! All that aside we are madly in love and appearance is far from a big issue. Plus I'm transforming my body for me myself and I, so he's just going to have to suck it up.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    Oh boy, you asked! Men HATE to hear women whine about their weight constantly, I'm too fat, I'm too thin, this is flabby, that is flabby, should I lose weight, how does this look on me??!!

    Don't let you or anybody else define you by a number on the scale or a size 2. Be confident, be strong. Choose a healthy lifestyle and live it!
  • Zylahe
    Zylahe Posts: 772 Member
    As humans we always want more (or in this case less!) If he came to you and asked "Babe, would you want me to earn $100 000 more?" you'd probably answer hell yes. That doesn't mean that you love him any less right now. Set idealistic goals FOR YOURSELF and then make them a reality!

    THIS!!!!

    I was going to suggest that many women would like if their partners were
    :better endowed
    : could last longer
    : could cook better
    : were taller.

    Etc, theres always something that could be an improvement. Doesn't mean you don't love them the way they are.
  • GBOGH_5
    GBOGH_5 Posts: 174 Member
    Nope sorry I have blessedly never been there! I was a girl with an hour glass figure when I met my husband at 17-at 5'1" weighed in at 115lbs....fast foward 14 years and two kids I still have an hour glass-just a large one - at 217lbs....

    He honsetly still thinks I am perfect! I have heard him talking to others about how beautiful his wife is....I am a hell of a lucky woman! :love: :smooched:

    Does he have a brother?
  • DavidMW1
    DavidMW1 Posts: 44 Member
    Dear lady, have no qualms. Your man is just being honest, and you should be equally honest. My lovely wife frets over my weight, and my heart, I exercise. She has bad breath, I tell her, and we buy mouthwash together. She wants an honest opinion of the new shoes, I tell her they're not expensive enough. I glance at a pretty lady, she laughs and we kiss. Honesty is a thing to be treasured, enjoy your mutual love, relax in your skin, and be happy.
  • all4my3boyz
    all4my3boyz Posts: 94 Member
    Lesson learned.......don't ask questions you don't WANT the answers to!!

    Worth repeating!
  • all4my3boyz
    all4my3boyz Posts: 94 Member
    Dear lady, have no qualms. Your man is just being honest, and you should be equally honest. My lovely wife frets over my weight, and my heart, I exercise. She has bad breath, I tell her, and we buy mouthwash together. She wants an honest opinion of the new shoes, I tell her they're not expensive enough. I glance at a pretty lady, she laughs and we kiss. Honesty is a thing to be treasured, enjoy your mutual love, relax in your skin, and be happy.
    Not sure if this was meant to be funny but it made me chuckle :laugh:
  • BamsieEkhaya
    BamsieEkhaya Posts: 657 Member
    I asked my bf this like a year into our relationship...seeing as we're about to hit the 5year mark and nothings changed guess he really does love me :tongue:
    saying that if asked me if he'd look better with a body like channing tatum ...Taylor Lautner (neck down) I'd have to be honest :bigsmile:
  • red_road
    red_road Posts: 761 Member
    My boyfriend would never answer that question,lol i think he and his friends look out for each other on what to never answer. I was 30lbs thinnner when me and my boyfriend started going out, that almost makes it harder then if i was this weight when we started because that way any weight i lost would just be a bonus.

    One thing though about guys ideal weight. I dont know about your guy but mine doesnt know what he is talking about when he guesses weight on a women. When I was 160 ( 5'8) he though i was 145. So you might not even have to go down to 130 to be his "ideal" body type. It depends on so many more things then a number on a scale and we all carry weight differently, have different frames and the way we dress can make a huge difference.

    When i was 160 i felt pretty good about myself though im sure alot of people would think 160 for 5'8 is heavy. I had a size c bordering on d cup size and a flat stomach and i was self conscious about my thighs, so i often wore very flattering tops and skirts. Skirts and great for making you feel feminine and sexy no matter how much your thighs jiggle.

    This got a bit off topic but my advice is just dress to flatter your current body type, and dont necessarily think because someone else is your height and a certain weight that that is how you will look. You could look similar or even better at a higher weight. Its all about what looks good on YOU.
  • lacurandera1
    lacurandera1 Posts: 8,083 Member
    I don't have any self esteem tips for you. But I agree 130 is pretty low. it's not outside of healthy range for a a 5'8" small framed woman but I'm betting you're at least medium build. In which case, 136 is the minimum recommendation for you.

    What I would do, if i were you, would be start a strength training program and lift some serious weights. You'll be hotter at 140 lbs, size 6 or 7, than any of his exes ever were at 105 lbs, size 2.

    Have you ever heard of skinny fat? i bet that's what they were.
  • fearless_
    fearless_ Posts: 75
    yikes, won't be asking my bf that question...
    I'm already insecure at 170 pounds...

    EVERYONE comments on how much bigger I am than his last girlfriends..
    or at least says "at least this one has boobs"

    One of his exgirlfriends is an open anorexic...

    I feel horrible about my body every day.
  • mfpseven
    mfpseven Posts: 421 Member
    My husband and I scrolled thru a porn database to finally find my goal stats(you can see full nudes there so that's helpful) and I gotta say a tad intimidating at first, but it really showed my what I have to look forward to. Lexi Belle btw, in case you were wondering. Or at least a Melissa Clarke.
  • bethanytowell
    bethanytowell Posts: 256 Member
    Sitting here reading this, the curiosity was killing me. I eamiled my husband and asked him how much weight he thought I needed to lose and just as I suspected, he said none. He is a doll. I knew i married him for some reason. A man in love sees no flaws and any real man would say or do anything it took to make his lady feel like a million bucks.
  • theresamic
    theresamic Posts: 1
    I think its great that he was honest with you but you must also realize that if he truly wanted someone a size 2 and with the kind of look all his ex girlfriends had he would not have chosen you. My husband would love to see me smaller, and I know what the answer would be if I were ever to have asked him, there is nothing wrong with that. The information is a little painful but sometimes the truth can sting a bit. However my husband loves me no matter what size I am, he wants me to be smaller for other reasons too though, in my case, I am dealing with serious health issues due to my large size...
    I do however believe that you should lose weight and set a goal that feels good to you. The scale is merely a guideline to give you a number that might be ideal but my opinion is that it's a matter of how you feel. I am going with that. I can set a number goal but if I feel good at 5 lbs higher than that or if I think I'd feel better with a little more once I reach that weight then that's what I am going to go by.
    Good luck in however you handle this but the one thing I wouldn't allow it to do is make you feel bad about yourself, feel happy that you have a good man that is willing to be honest with you.
  • KindaOverThis
    KindaOverThis Posts: 46 Member
    I'm well aware that I'm still at an unhealthy body weight. I don't need to ask my husband to validate this. And it wouldn't be fair of me to do so, anyway. I guess the old adage is true: don't ask a question you don't want answered truthfully.

    In your case, though, I'd ignore his arbitrary number and carry on doing what you're doing... getting to your healthy weight/body is what's important - not the number he thinks should pop up on your bathroom scale :-)
  • doowa
    doowa Posts: 23 Member
    My husband is thin and always has been. He can eat whatever he wants and has weighed the same since we were married 27 years ago. Me,on the other hand, am 30-40 lbs overweight. The scale has been up and down many times. I know he loves and supports me, but he doesn't understand how difficult it can be for some women to lose weight and keep it off. He wants me to lose weight and I think I finally got it through his head that he can not sabotage me! For example...watching TV at night and he says,"what shall we eat?" I say, nothing...I'm done for the day, and he pouts. I had a long talk with him about it and I think he understands that if he wants me to lose weight as much as I do, he will not ask me to eat more than I should.

    On a positive note, although he doesn't need to lose weight, he is eating a bit more healthy since I started MFP. When I cook dinner at night, we eat basically the same thing with a few alterations for him.

    The important thing to remember is to do it for yourself and no one else!
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    He probably has no idea what 130 would you look like on you. Don't worry about it. Get to where you are happy.

    Also, your situation sounds exactly like my marriage. I'm 5'9". I was 165lbs and a size 12 when I met my husband and he had always dated much smaller, petite women. But ya know what? He married me, not them.
  • MsDover
    MsDover Posts: 395 Member
    My husband and I had this same conversation two days ago. I'm two pounds from my goal weight and asked him if he thought I should keep going. "Maybe a few more pounds", he said. I was crushed. I moped around for two days. Last night I said, "I just want to be attractive for you... I know you prefer petite women". He said, "I find a pleasant attitude far more attractive than what someone looks like", then walked away. My little mouth fell open.... and I shouted after him.... "So what you're saying is I'm not fat, but I AM a *itch!!!" LOL He just rolled his eyes and laughed.
  • prokomds
    prokomds Posts: 318 Member
    You know 95% of guys have no idea how a woman's weight actually corresponds to reality, right? Ask guys to guess your pants size (okay, I DO NOT actually recommend this, but still) and watch the hilarity commence. It could be that what he thinks is you at 130 is actually... who knows. You at 150?

    And anyway, everyone has problems with their significant other. I'd like it if my boyfriend snored less, but what can you do...

    I'm being slightly tongue-in-cheek because you're acknowledging that you brought this on yourself. Sometimes there's no worse fate than getting exactly what you ask for :)

    I'm sure your spouse cares about you immensely and just wants to see the healthiest you, and part of being healthy is being at a healthy weight. Be happy that he actually gave you an honest answer, and keep doing what you're doing. Good luck!
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    i don't understand why people ask questions they don't want the answers to. i just don't get it.

    @Knightreader - I think that we ask questions we don't want the answer to because somewhere deep in our mind, we "need" the answer. We know we have to get better (in this case healthier) but we are so much in denial that it takes a blunt kick in the butt to get us to admit things to ourselves.
  • mdyorston
    mdyorston Posts: 158
    I will tell a little story about my husband because it seems the place to do so. My husband and I have been married for 25 years and he has seen me at my best and worst. one of the things I noticed was when I did something, he would automatically do it as well. For example, when I quit smoking, he did so as well. When I took up gardening, he started obsessing with the lawn. When I started moving to healthy, organic foods, he did too.

    So I knew that when I decided to lose weight, he would eventually follow my lead. One of the reasons I chose to lose weight is that my husband and I were both overweight. He had already been on cholesterol meds and those can be dangerous to the liver. I was hoping that if I took the initiative to lose weight that he would do the same. Well, I am pleased to say that he has done so.

    I would never tell my husband this was part of my plan, but honestly, it was one reason. My husband's well being is always a priority for me and I will do what I can to keep him healthy and loved, with his pride intact.

    So please don't worry about your size, he loves you, has told you so. Just being healthy is enough.
  • mdyorston
    mdyorston Posts: 158
    oops I quoted your post without adding my comment duh! What I wanted to say is your husband sounds awesome, we should all be so lucky :)
  • TeachTheGirl
    TeachTheGirl Posts: 2,091 Member
    Don't go looking for pictures of the body weight he OR you want to reach. You're you. You're not someone else. Those pictures will not give you an accurate representation of what your body will look like at that weight, we all carry it differently!

    I guess I've done it too. I've asked his preferences and been met with 'I wish you were thinner' and got hurt by it. I was about 140lbs when I met my husband and ballooned up to 180lbs at my very heaviest. He honestly did the same, although he's more apt to comment on it than I am about his weight gain. Now I'm at the lightest weight I ever remember being and he barely comments on my body unless I mention it first. Can't win. =B
  • Shock_Wave
    Shock_Wave Posts: 1,573 Member
    Turn the tables on him, say "Since we're being honest..." and tell him what you would like him to change about himself, like a little less honesty for one :-) I say this somewhat tongue in cheek.

    This sounds like you are picking a fight. Remember she asked for it "and yes it was followed by a lot of reassurance and sweet compliments". so its not like he was being an *kitten*.
    Also if she just blurted and told him what she would like him to change out of spite as you suggested, I would imagine that would not end well. Also she would change nothing and she still would remain 160 lbs so this would be pointless, confrontational, unconstructive, and just plain rude. I feel for your man!
  • naticksdonna
    naticksdonna Posts: 190 Member
    Your husband has no idea what 130 will look like on you. Trust me on this. I've been married for 40 years to a great guy who married me when I was 117lbs. The last time I saw that weight was after I starved myself post 2nd child. After that I proceeded to yo-yo up and down with the ups being higher every time until I hit 227 lbs. All through the years he told me he worried for my health, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I lost 15 lbs. on WW and walked away from that whole fiasco of points plus (please!!) and started my downward journey last March. I have lost 55 lbs. and would like to lose another 30 providing the haggard factor isn't too bad (I am old) I just told him this yesterday and he is stunned, saying I am absolutely perfect the way I am. The thing is, he doesn't know the number. And I will never tell him...

    Follow your plan - you are going to look fantastic (you already do!) and perfect in his opinion at a much higher weight. He married you with a figure; at your height if you go too low you are going to lose those curves. I suspect then you will look like the women he ultimately rejected. I feel badly for him as well - he was in a no-win situation. Try not to set yourself up again! and good luck - you've done so well!
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