How do you cope with loneliness?
Replies
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I enjoy being alone. the quiet time is great.
^^^ THIS
Since I am a wife and mother and work full time, it is rare that I have a moment to myself. I relish it.0 -
Hi everyone!
am a student who working on my dissertation. hopefully it will be finish next year. am 31 year old, dont hv any spouse of boyfriend, and few months ago I decide to cut off any communication or contact with friends and acquaintances since at that time I feel they slow down my work with their non-stop chit chat and problems.
well, my dissertation progress abit, but now i have to deal with loneliness, which sometimes slow down my work, again.
am bored with internet browsing, tv series or movies, games, things that i thought could give me similar satisfaction with social life.
but at the same time, i also afraid to connect with the real world again. it has nothing to do with ego or anything. i only got 30 days left to finish my work and I dont want to ruin that.
how to deal with loneliness for at least the next 30 days without calling my friends?
Fishing for me... I'd break and go fish a local pond while I was writing mine. I also find the gym quite relaxing.0 -
Wow, some harsh replies here. I suggest reconnecting to those you were closest to but if you don't want too much of a distraction choose very few people. Explain to them what you're feeling and tell them what you need from them, so they how much contact you want. Hopefully they will understand. Stay positive!0
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If you don't like your friends, make new ones.
No need to be lonely...
that's as nicely as I can put it.
ALSO, I am very busy too...but I make it a point to keep at least one of my girlfriends around or check up on people. I am a single mom, work a full time job, run a small business from home, and still have to fit in time with my boyfriend. Things get crazy, and sometimes we lose touch with not only our friends, but ourselves as well.
I don't think cutting everyone out completely is the answer.
ALSO, get a cat? lol0 -
This is the dumbest contradictory post I have ever read.
LOL0 -
Hi everyone!
am a student who working on my dissertation. hopefully it will be finish next year. am 31 year old, dont hv any spouse of boyfriend, and few months ago I decide to cut off any communication or contact with friends and acquaintances since at that time I feel they slow down my work with their non-stop chit chat and problems.
well, my dissertation progress abit, but now i have to deal with loneliness, which sometimes slow down my work, again.
am bored with internet browsing, tv series or movies, games, things that i thought could give me similar satisfaction with social life.
but at the same time, i also afraid to connect with the real world again. it has nothing to do with ego or anything. i only got 30 days left to finish my work and I dont want to ruin that.
how to deal with loneliness for at least the next 30 days without calling my friends?
We're social creatures who thrive on socializing, and by cutting off your friends and acquaintances, you might have set yourself up for failure. If you're having severe bouts of depression, please seek professional help. Find a balance between your social life and writing your dissertation; but if you find yourself having a mental break, please seek help. 0 -
Unless you have written a dissertation, keep your opinions to yourself about how selfish she is. In addition, being a woman getting a PhD complicates things on a different level because a society, we are much more accepting of a man who sacrifices than a woman.
In order to finish a dissertation in a timely manner, one must be very selfish. I am in the same place. I have deactivated Facebook, see my family rarely, and have let many friendships go. I also have clearly explained to anyone in my life where I am at and what is going on with me. I have sought out friends who are like-minded graduate students and faculty who are recently graduated. They understand that the most I can give in terms of friendship is sharing an occasional meal. I work in my office, work at Starbucks, at the rec center to work out, or I'm at home sleeping. That's all I do, seven days a week. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I also know at the end of that tunnel is a faculty position where I will be working towards tenure. So...I guess at the age of 37, I will finally get to really have a life back!In addition, I would suggest sending an email to one or more friends to arrange a celebration when you have finished. In the email you can acknowledge that you neglected the friendship, but now that you are over that hurdle, you would like to reconnect. Don't be too upset if the don't want to, people vary in what they expect out of friendships. I'm low maintenance and I really only keep mostly low maintenance people around. I have many friends that I only catch up with once a month or even every other month, and we both consider each other good friends.
^^ This is the best response I've seen thus far. OP, as someone in grad school whose friends are completing dissertations, I absolutely understand that it's hard. Nothing about writing a dissertation is easy -- kudos. I'm not sure what your finances look like, but try going to dinner with a friend one night a week. It's only two hours and I think it might help keep some of that loneliness away. Otherwise, as the above poster mentioned, why don't you talk to your friends about arranging a celebration after you've finished? It'll give you something to look forward to.
Best wishes on your dissertation 0 -
Do your friends know that you cut off all communication with them because you feel they are a worthless distraction?
Im sorry, but that IS self centered, and now that you've alienated yourself from your support mechanisms, now I think its simply a matter of sucking it up.
You'll be lucky if they even take you back.
Ino what you feel like hunni and what a ***** this person is saying that how horrible are all you negative people have you been though it ! No I have and it's horrible I was lucky my friends understood and come to mycouciling sessions with me0 -
I'm sorry, but you were such a cow of a friend, and before everyone jumps on me, let's put it in perspective:
- I AM at university. I am the youngest person graduating in my year, and I am aiming to get a 2:1 or First Honours degree. I have classes (lectures and seminars), exams, essays and my dissertation to write.
- I AM a mother to a two year old. Even though I am not single (I am engaged) me and my husband to be cannot live together just now, so in terms of caring for my son, I am very much a single parent.
- I AM employed, part time, 4 nights a week.
I do know the stress, the difficulities and the issues of time management.
I would NEVER say that my true friends slow me down and I could not deal with their idle chit chat and problems because I thought my own were more important. That is not friendship to me, and even describing your friends like that shows lack of care.
And coming from someone who lost all bar 3 friends when I went to university (a year ahead of my school friends), and then had 1 left when I fell pregnant (since I am young), I know the value of true friendship and what it takes to have people in your life - as well as loneliness.
I have a partner yes, but we only see each other at weekends, and I do socialise with his friends too, but I wouldn't consider them my 'friends'. We would never be close.
If you truly want to keep people in your life because they are important, you do so. You make time - even a half an hour coffee at your place. If you can't see each other, you text/phone them, just to keep in contact. You do not say what the OP has said.
One afternoon off a dissertation, or a couple of hours, for coffee and a chat is not going to ruin any progress.
I, I, I, I, I... me, me, me, me.
Why bother responding to the OP's post if your response is entirely focused on yourself? If you want to write about yourself, get a blog.0 -
how to deal with loneliness for at least the next 30 days without calling my friends?
by calling your friends.
one day you're gonna realize that hard work and success don't mean chit without good people to share it with.0 -
Explain to them what you're feeling and tell them what you need from them, so they how much contact you want.
exactly. tell them that you cut them off because they were pointless before and what you need is for them to be around when you need them and make themselves scarce in other time. if there are times that they need you as a friend then it should align to when you want to be available
i'm sure they'll love that
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Do your friends know that you cut off all communication with them because you feel they are a worthless distraction?
Im sorry, but that IS self centered, and now that you've alienated yourself from your support mechanisms, now I think its simply a matter of sucking it up.
You'll be lucky if they even take you back.
Ino what you feel like hunni and what a ***** this person is saying that how horrible are all you negative people have you been though it ! No I have and it's horrible I was lucky my friends understood and come to mycouciling sessions with me
Sorry I didn't read this post properly ....and I take back what I said you don't deserve them I though with your geeky shy look you were actually lonely and had depression or something like I had your going o be sending Christmas depressed by the looks of it0 -
Wow, some harsh replies here. I suggest reconnecting to those you were closest to but if you don't want too much of a distraction choose very few people. Explain to them what you're feeling and tell them what you need from them, so they how much contact you want. Hopefully they will understand. Stay positive!
Great response. Yes, there are a lot of harsh, judgmental people on threads like this.0 -
Well if you want to meet quality people to found a connection with, outside of false pretense like bar/club/lounge,you can start by...Writing down five things that you personally enjoy. Example:
Music
Whiskey/Wine
Yoga
Athleticism/Wellness
Cats
Now turn your interests into social situations.
Music - Wiz Khalfia/Juicy Jay 2050 Tour
Whiskey/Wine - Christening's and festivals occur almost weekly.
Yoga - Well..Try different studios.
Athleticism/Wellness - Climbnasium gyms, organized trail hikes, charity walks/runs, outdoor paintball, mountain biking clubs, rec league sports, ect ect
Cats - Volunteer some time at a shelter.
Works well for me. Improves PR in my line of work also.0 -
Meetup.com?
Books?
Solitude =\= loneliness.
Suggested reading
The well of loneliness.
The invention of solitude.
Two great books.0 -
I sympathize, I've been through this. The last month before finishing my dissertation I had no social life at all. I was working all night long at the uni - I would return home around 8am, sleep until 1pm, take a shower, grab something (crappy & full of fat) to eat and get back to work. It was summer break and there was practically no one around, especially during the nights and it was so lonely. My friends knew what I was going through and knew that I really had no time so I didn't have any problem with my friendships - actually they all came to my defense and it was such a fantastic support! I was trying hard not to cry after my defense with all the stress and worry, but they were there to make me laugh and get over it. And of course, to party afterwards! But, to be honest, most of these friends were graduate students or had graduated already, so they knew what I was going through.
My advice is to call your friends - half an hour break won't be the end of the world, besides that's nothing in comparison with the time wasted on the web! Apologize if you said something inappropriate and try to explain your situation. Talk to other graduate students who know what it is like. My office mates were the most fantastic support I had during my whole PhD, but also especially during the writing period. They were there to chat with whenever I needed a break and they knew not to interrupt when I was working.
Best of luck with your dissertation. Remember, in 30 days you'll be done and get your life back. This is what I kept telling myself to get me going.
I second this. It is a lonely process, you'll find re-establishing friendships may be hard, but true friends understand. This is not exclusive to the dissertation process, it will be part of life, having kids, a job that asks too much. My best advice is after 30 days find a way to include your friends in your life when the next problem presents itself. Support is good.0 -
For any great accomplishment sacrifice must be made. Its just 30 days and you are right to cut yourself off from drama while you are trying to accomplish this goal. If this is the first of many things you hope to accomplish then you need to suck it up for these 30 days and then go find friends who are on the same path as you.0
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I'm not going to comment on your situation because I don't think it's my place (or anyone else in here, for a fact) to judge your decisions.
But you could always get a cat. They're fairly low maintenance, and if taken care of properly they turn into those totally adorable, cuddly stuffed animals that will love you and snuggle and ask to be brushed or played with when they feel you're a little down or need a break.
At least, mine turned out that way xD Ain't no shame in being a crazeh cat lady from time to time.
P.S: in the long term it's not going to fix it. Get your butt back out there and start being social again ASAP. It makes the loneliness a tad more bearable, but it's never going to replace human contact. Start out with family -- they're the most likely to forgive you, normally.0 -
I'm sorry, but you were such a cow of a friend, and before everyone jumps on me, let's put it in perspective:
- I AM at university. I am the youngest person graduating in my year, and I am aiming to get a 2:1 or First Honours degree. I have classes (lectures and seminars), exams, essays and my dissertation to write.
- I AM a mother to a two year old. Even though I am not single (I am engaged) me and my husband to be cannot live together just now, so in terms of caring for my son, I am very much a single parent.
- I AM employed, part time, 4 nights a week.
I do know the stress, the difficulities and the issues of time management.
I would NEVER say that my true friends slow me down and I could not deal with their idle chit chat and problems because I thought my own were more important. That is not friendship to me, and even describing your friends like that shows lack of care.
And coming from someone who lost all bar 3 friends when I went to university (a year ahead of my school friends), and then had 1 left when I fell pregnant (since I am young), I know the value of true friendship and what it takes to have people in your life - as well as loneliness.
I have a partner yes, but we only see each other at weekends, and I do socialise with his friends too, but I wouldn't consider them my 'friends'. We would never be close.
If you truly want to keep people in your life because they are important, you do so. You make time - even a half an hour coffee at your place. If you can't see each other, you text/phone them, just to keep in contact. You do not say what the OP has said.
One afternoon off a dissertation, or a couple of hours, for coffee and a chat is not going to ruin any progress.
I, I, I, I, I... me, me, me, me.
Why bother responding to the OP's post if your response is entirely focused on yourself? If you want to write about yourself, get a blog.
Two reasons:
1. To show that if she wanted her friends in her life then it is doable. Sometimes real life examples are better than saying hypothetically you may be able to do x/y/z, without either party even knowing if it will happen. If people with more of a workload than just a dissertation cane make a couple of hours a week to talk to friends and keep them, then it is doable. Showing her she doesn't have to be alone.
2. To show that what she done is self inflicted and she should stop being such a ****ty friend. If she truly cared about not being lonely and wanted company and social stimulation, she would not of a) said what she did in relation to her friends, and b) do what she did.
EDIT: oh, and she asked how - ideas, from people. This is my situation, and my ideas for what works. It is advice on the situation with a background to how it can relate to her problem, whether you deem it to be or not.
And take your own 'why post if your response is focused all on yourself and not the OPs question' approach to life.0 -
I'm sorry, but you were such a cow of a friend, and before everyone jumps on me, let's put it in perspective:
- I AM at university. I am the youngest person graduating in my year, and I am aiming to get a 2:1 or First Honours degree. I have classes (lectures and seminars), exams, essays and my dissertation to write.
- I AM a mother to a two year old. Even though I am not single (I am engaged) me and my husband to be cannot live together just now, so in terms of caring for my son, I am very much a single parent.
- I AM employed, part time, 4 nights a week.
I do know the stress, the difficulities and the issues of time management.
I would NEVER say that my true friends slow me down and I could not deal with their idle chit chat and problems because I thought my own were more important. That is not friendship to me, and even describing your friends like that shows lack of care.
And coming from someone who lost all bar 3 friends when I went to university (a year ahead of my school friends), and then had 1 left when I fell pregnant (since I am young), I know the value of true friendship and what it takes to have people in your life - as well as loneliness.
I have a partner yes, but we only see each other at weekends, and I do socialise with his friends too, but I wouldn't consider them my 'friends'. We would never be close.
If you truly want to keep people in your life because they are important, you do so. You make time - even a half an hour coffee at your place. If you can't see each other, you text/phone them, just to keep in contact. You do not say what the OP has said.
One afternoon off a dissertation, or a couple of hours, for coffee and a chat is not going to ruin any progress.
I, I, I, I, I... me, me, me, me.
Why bother responding to the OP's post if your response is entirely focused on yourself? If you want to write about yourself, get a blog.
Two reasons:
1. To show that if she wanted her friends in her life then it is doable. Sometimes real life examples are better than saying hypothetically you may be able to do x/y/z, without either party even knowing if it will happen. If people with more of a workload than just a dissertation cane make a couple of hours a week to talk to friends and keep them, then it is doable. Showing her she doesn't have to be alone.
2. To show that what she done is self inflicted and she should stop being such a ****ty friend. If she truly cared about not being lonely and wanted company and social stimulation, she would not of a) said what she did in relation to her friends, and b) do what she did.
EDIT: oh, and she asked how - ideas, from people. This is my situation, and my ideas for what works. It is advice on the situation with a background to how it can relate to her problem, whether you deem it to be or not.
And take your own 'why post if your response is focused all on yourself and not the OPs question' approach to life.
Oh! It all makes sense now. You called her a "cow" because that is a useful bit of advice for how to address the issue.
Thanks for clearing that up for me. Now that this is settled, I'm off to take my own advice now 0 -
I'm sorry, but you were such a cow of a friend, and before everyone jumps on me, let's put it in perspective:
- I AM at university. I am the youngest person graduating in my year, and I am aiming to get a 2:1 or First Honours degree. I have classes (lectures and seminars), exams, essays and my dissertation to write.
- I AM a mother to a two year old. Even though I am not single (I am engaged) me and my husband to be cannot live together just now, so in terms of caring for my son, I am very much a single parent.
- I AM employed, part time, 4 nights a week.
I do know the stress, the difficulities and the issues of time management.
I would NEVER say that my true friends slow me down and I could not deal with their idle chit chat and problems because I thought my own were more important. That is not friendship to me, and even describing your friends like that shows lack of care.
And coming from someone who lost all bar 3 friends when I went to university (a year ahead of my school friends), and then had 1 left when I fell pregnant (since I am young), I know the value of true friendship and what it takes to have people in your life - as well as loneliness.
I have a partner yes, but we only see each other at weekends, and I do socialise with his friends too, but I wouldn't consider them my 'friends'. We would never be close.
If you truly want to keep people in your life because they are important, you do so. You make time - even a half an hour coffee at your place. If you can't see each other, you text/phone them, just to keep in contact. You do not say what the OP has said.
One afternoon off a dissertation, or a couple of hours, for coffee and a chat is not going to ruin any progress.
I, I, I, I, I... me, me, me, me.
Why bother responding to the OP's post if your response is entirely focused on yourself? If you want to write about yourself, get a blog.
Two reasons:
1. To show that if she wanted her friends in her life then it is doable. Sometimes real life examples are better than saying hypothetically you may be able to do x/y/z, without either party even knowing if it will happen. If people with more of a workload than just a dissertation cane make a couple of hours a week to talk to friends and keep them, then it is doable. Showing her she doesn't have to be alone.
2. To show that what she done is self inflicted and she should stop being such a ****ty friend. If she truly cared about not being lonely and wanted company and social stimulation, she would not of a) said what she did in relation to her friends, and b) do what she did.
EDIT: oh, and she asked how - ideas, from people. This is my situation, and my ideas for what works. It is advice on the situation with a background to how it can relate to her problem, whether you deem it to be or not.
And take your own 'why post if your response is focused all on yourself and not the OPs question' approach to life.
Oh! It all makes sense now. You called her a "cow" because that is a useful bit of advice for how to address the issue.
Thanks for clearing that up for me. Now that this is settled, I'm off to take my own advice now
No, there is a difference between saying someone IS something, and saying someone acted like something. She acted like a cow of a friend.
And no, you're silly little sarcastic responses won't get a rise out of me. After all, you're just someone on the internet, I'll never meet, won't remember tomorrow and don't care for. Just as I am to the OP - she doesn't have to read the response, respond to it, nor take it on board if she doesn't want to. The joys of being able to close an internet window and having that insignficant person out your life 0 -
You sure there's not a deeper issue here? Figure out what that is first and become your own best friend. In the meantime, perhaps express a bit of humility toward your friends and slowly get your social life back while finishing up your dissertaition. Good luck!
no, am sure nothing. i always in a position as a good listener among my friends, and currently i just cant do it anymore. and am also not looking forward in that position again in the future.0 -
I know what she means. In the 90's I was doing my MBA, a part time course as well as working full time. Any free time was study time, any traveling time was an opportunity to study. My new social circle became the people on the course. To combat the loneliness I'd make a point of going out everyday to somewhere quite close, perhaps a small local shop and buy a treat, talk to the counter staff. In this way, you'll get some fresh air, a little exercise, social interaction and a treat! Then back to studying. Once you've successfully finished your course, you'll have time to re-assess just who are your real friends in life.
thanks!Not everyone on here has been to college so they may not truly understand what it takes to pass. I went to nursing school when my children were under 3 years old . It was an unbelievably crazy busy time. I would study in the middle of the night when my kids werent pulling at me just to pass the courses then get up a couple of hours later bundle them up in winter clothes take them to day care and to go do the shift part of the courses at the hospital. I was on Cloud nine when I got my RN in the mail! And its been
alot of hard work ever since for the last 20 plus years but nothing like nursing school which was grueling. I cant even imagine graduate school. Hang in there and dont waste alot of time reading all these posts!!!
hahah, thanks am just taking a break a littleI sympathize, I've been through this. The last month before finishing my dissertation I had no social life at all. I was working all night long at the uni - I would return home around 8am, sleep until 1pm, take a shower, grab something (crappy & full of fat) to eat and get back to work. It was summer break and there was practically no one around, especially during the nights and it was so lonely. My friends knew what I was going through and knew that I really had no time so I didn't have any problem with my friendships - actually they all came to my defense and it was such a fantastic support! I was trying hard not to cry after my defense with all the stress and worry, but they were there to make me laugh and get over it. And of course, to party afterwards! But, to be honest, most of these friends were graduate students or had graduated already, so they knew what I was going through.
My advice is to call your friends - half an hour break won't be the end of the world, besides that's nothing in comparison with the time wasted on the web! Apologize if you said something inappropriate and try to explain your situation. Talk to other graduate students who know what it is like. My office mates were the most fantastic support I had during my whole PhD, but also especially during the writing period. They were there to chat with whenever I needed a break and they knew not to interrupt when I was working.
Best of luck with your dissertation. Remember, in 30 days you'll be done and get your life back. This is what I kept telling myself to get me going.
thank you. call to a friend wont be the end of everything, i know , but i dont want if theyre asking bout how i feel or how's my dissertation or anything. i also dont know what i want to talk with them.
it's just the loneliness is hard to deal sometimes.
am watching Doctor Who in my break time, or browsing about the hobbit, rewatch LOTR or The Matrix or next DDL movies. none of my friends care about this kind of things anymore. definition of fun between me and my friends become more and more differences.
and I dont feel like to connect with the younger people because they always deal and talk about things that I dont understand why is it matters anyway.
however, you are right it's just 30 days. I need to finish it anyway. thanks for giving your time to share your story.0 -
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