First Christmas without my Mom

carolmsb
carolmsb Posts: 44 Member
edited November 12 in Motivation and Support
Mom died in August of this year. She had a long a healthy life-really only suffered in the last week.

It feels like somebody pulled the plug (maybe that was the wrong choice of words!) on my holiday spirit.
I'd just as soon ignore the holidays and not be jolly and bright. The Christmas tree actually makes me feel sad. The lights are on, but I don't feel like putting ornaments on it.

I know leading up to Thanksgiving I felt the same way- but then Thanksgiving day was just fine. Cooked dinner, played games, felt good.

Perhaps it's just the anticipation-Bah Humbug!
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Replies

  • Shock_Wave
    Shock_Wave Posts: 1,573 Member
    Mom died in August of this year. She had a long a healthy life-really only suffered in the last week.

    It feels like somebody pulled the plug (maybe that was the wrong choice of words!) on my holiday spirit.
    I'd just as soon ignore the holidays and not be jolly and bright. The Christmas tree actually makes me feel sad. The lights are on, but I don't feel like putting ornaments on it.

    I know leading up to Thanksgiving I felt the same way- but then Thanksgiving day was just fine. Cooked dinner, played games, felt good.

    Perhaps it's just the anticipation-Bah Humbug!
    Sorry to hear that.
    Time heals... slowly but it does heal. Remember those that are still here with you and pay more focus to that instead of things you cannot change as those people are still here and can support/comfort you.
  • NKF92879
    NKF92879 Posts: 601 Member
    I' sorry for your loss, and I know what you're going through. I lost my mom in September 2011. I honestly think this year is harder than last year. Last year, I was just kind of going through the motions. This year, I'm much more aware that she's not here. :cry: I'd love to tell you that it gets easier, but I'm not sure if it does. I think that we just learn to deal with it and adjust as time goes on.
  • Miss_dannii
    Miss_dannii Posts: 1,351 Member
    I feel you. This is my first Christmas without my fiance he died in April. His birthday will be on the 26th too. Just have to find a way through it! Tell yourself it's just another day
  • seashell99z
    seashell99z Posts: 113 Member
    I'm so sorry you're going through a difficult time. If taking one day at a time seems too daunting, take it moment by moments.
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
    I'm really sorry about the loss of your mother. That has to be really hard. I don't think you need to try to force yourself into the Christmas spirit if you really aren't feeling it. But it's also not a bad time to ask for support from close friends and family.
  • princessage117
    princessage117 Posts: 171 Member
    I am sorry for your loss. I have been there. It's been 5 years now for me. It does get better but it takes a lot of time. And I will always have memories with my mom at Christmas that make me sad but I also have new memories with my family I am making. It's ok to duck out of this year's festivities when you don't feel into it.
  • indygal76
    indygal76 Posts: 283 Member
    I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand your pain with missing your mom. Do what you need to do to get thru the holidays. Remember she is smiling down on you and wouldn't want you to be sad. God Bless you and I hope things get better! :flowerforyou:
  • GurleyGirl524
    GurleyGirl524 Posts: 578 Member
    I am very sorry for your loss. The first year really is the hardest. It is an entire year of "firsts" without a loved one. The anticipation does make it worse. I am not sure of your religious beliefs, but I was and still do find comfort in the thought that my mother is at the celebration to beat all Christmas celebrations. How wonderful it must be to spend Christmas with the King.

    Time will slowly make it easier, but the void never competely goes away. Maybe there is something charitable or a tradition that she enjoyed that you can now do in her honor.

    I wish you the best.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    I'm sorry for your loss. Don't think you need to feel any certain way... just let yourself go through the process and rely on your close friends and family. They will understand and be there for you. :heart: *hugs*
  • canadiandee
    canadiandee Posts: 196 Member
    I'm a mom and a grandma and I can tell you that, wherever she is, she wants nothing more than for you to cherish life and to be happy. And to know that part of her is living in you. Hugs to you.
  • katie1588
    katie1588 Posts: 1 Member
    I am so sorry to hear about your loss, my father died in 2006 right after Christmas. Actually our last Christmas was at Denny's. I still cant eat there. The only thing I can say about the experience is that in time it does get easier but you still feel the loss. The second year was harder then the first. But know that you are not alone in this experience and I am sure your family and friends will help you. I think that is the only way I was ever able to get through it. Also I just now got my holiday spirit back. Be patient with yourself
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    I haven't lost my mom - and really dread the day I do so I will not say I understand what you are going through. But 11 years ago I lost my cousin and grandfather within a month of each other (November and December) and I can tell you that was the SHI!TIEST Christmas' I have ever had. You know what my mom did for me? She got the most ridiculous tree- it was mostly a stick with a few branches and it looked absolutely hideous - you couldn't help but laugh anytime you walked in the room.


    Do your best, its gonna suck --- missing someone ALWAYS sucks. Take it day by day and just remember your mom and her love for you. Maybe start a new tradition in your family where you do something in memory of your mom? Even if it is something super simple like lighting a candle or doing something she loved this time of year.

    I am sorry for your loss, and they say time heals all wounds and while it may hurt forever it will get better.
    PS. if you need to be a scrooge this year - be a scrooge I am sure those around you will understand.
  • AllonsYtotheTardis
    AllonsYtotheTardis Posts: 16,947 Member
    I'm sorry for your loss. The first xmas without my dad was hard - we got through it by holding the rest of our loved ones closer.
  • Rays_Wife
    Rays_Wife Posts: 1,173 Member
    I am sorry to hear about your mom. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Be kind to yourself, and it's okay to not feel "festive". Take time to take care of yourself. Decorating the tree is fun, but not what Christmas is about. Remember and cherish the good times you had with your mom this holiday season. She is with you always in your heart and spirit :flowerforyou: -HUGS-
  • _Bob_
    _Bob_ Posts: 1,487 Member
    this will be my third year without mine. still miss her, but Christmas is still fun. New years is another story though, I hope she's not looking down and watching me on new years
  • banjomimi
    banjomimi Posts: 1 Member
    Your mom is in your heart and thoughts. If those that pass onto the next whatever can think about us and i choose to think that the do, she loves you and cheers for you.
  • stetienne
    stetienne Posts: 560 Member
    The holiday season can be a painful reminder of the loss of your mom instead of bringing the warmth, love, and excitement usually associated with Christmas. Be patient with yourself...acknowledge that your Christmas will not be the same this year and allow yourself to be sad while everyone else is celebrating. But look for joy amidst the pain and find ways to honor her memory this year and for Christmases to come. You are not alone in feeling this way.
  • Charlie003
    Charlie003 Posts: 1,333 Member
    Sorry to hear that. I lost my dad to cancer. I drink a drink for him.
  • Ge0rgiana
    Ge0rgiana Posts: 1,649 Member
    That was me last year. I lost my mother the previous May. I went with my father to his relatives, a trip we made countless times when she was alive. Her ghost was everywhere. That's the only way I can explain it. Dad's family loved her like we do. It was very sad.

    This year we're going to my sister's house that she just moved into. With a new setting and a year to grieve, I hope we'll all have a better, happier holiday this year, especially Dad.

    It does get easier. *HUGS* :flowerforyou:
  • ellabelle0310
    ellabelle0310 Posts: 92 Member
    I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother December 19th, 2010. I remember staying at home with my husband and children that year for Christmas instead of heading up to see my family, and we ordered Chinese food instead of cooking. It is completely understandable for you to not feeling up to the holidays, but you will get back there. The healing process is slow and painful, but time does make a difference. *Hugs*
  • carolmsb
    carolmsb Posts: 44 Member
    Thank you all for your understanding and compassion. I know this is not a unique situation, but rather part of the 'circle of life" as they say..

    It feels like I 'forget' that she died- and then I remember with a gasp that takes my breath away.

    I am putting together a shadow box for all the little things that make up who she was-such as her watch, her Zoo Docent name tag,
    her silver bobby pin box, favorite jewelry, etc.

    So I move between acceptance and denial.
  • noriri
    noriri Posts: 74 Member
    Just allow yourself to grieve. My mom passed away in 2005 and I still think of her everyday. What I found most helpful, was to keep her memory alive. Speak of her often,little things that made her who she was...funny sayings, or habits ,relive them with others( siblings, your children/her grandchildren). Allow yourself to cry. Trying to suppress everything and act like everything is the same as it's always been, is denial. It helps no one! Wishing you the best.
  • carolmsb
    carolmsb Posts: 44 Member
    I dreaded Thanksgiving the same way-but then we did get into remeniscing and it was kind of funny. And that's probably what will happen with Christmas, too. I'm dreading it now- but we'll probably get into more stories which will warm all our hearts.

    @ Bob-New Year's Eve :laugh:
  • nerdyandilikeit
    nerdyandilikeit Posts: 2,185 Member
    I lost my Dad last November, so I kinda didn't have any buffer before my first holiday without him. I thought it would be awful, but leaning on my family and thinking of time with them as a silver lining made it quite nice.

    There will always be a hole where your mom should be in your life, and sometimes it will be harder to see that silver lining than others. But there always is one and it helps.
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
    I know the feeling. My grandpa died on Christmas Eve of 2008 and our big family Christmas get-together was only 2 days after that. Instead of being gloomy and depressed, we included my grandpa in our holiday. Shared stories, looked at pictures, laughed & cried. Of course it was difficult and we were all sad, but it did feel really good.
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,404 Member
    I'm a mom and a grandma and I can tell you that, wherever she is, she wants nothing more than for you to cherish life and to be happy. And to know that part of her is living in you. Hugs to you.

    Thank you for that.
  • oldmaid1963
    oldmaid1963 Posts: 7 Member
    my mom died 5 years ago just before xmas it was very hard we all decorated the tree together while sharing stories about my mom we laughed we cried and when we were finished decorating our tree we all felt a little better. its still very hard without her but its our new family tradition to tell stories about her while we decorate the tree.
  • jojo37696
    jojo37696 Posts: 93 Member
    I am sorry for your loss. Mom's are really special people. I lost my mom not that long ago as well and I still think of her every day especially at Christmas. A friend told me to buy an ornament for the tree every year in memory of her and it really helps. It's like your tree has taken on some life and she spends the holidays with you. I make sure that my ornament is really sparkly and bright. Try it . It might help.
  • svgarcia
    svgarcia Posts: 592 Member
    Sorry for ur loss.
    Same here, lost my dad June of this yr, my gm in nOvember, my gpa in march of this yr...
    And also my oldest son as he moved to Ohio for college...
    I knw it takes time....
    <Hugs to u>
  • Chickabittie
    Chickabittie Posts: 272
    I'm a mom and a grandma and I can tell you that, wherever she is, she wants nothing more than for you to cherish life and to be happy. And to know that part of her is living in you. Hugs to you.

    Thank you for that.

    Yes, thank you for that. I dread the day I lose my mom, but I will remember your words, a part of her is living in me.
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