Christmas with Exes?

serena569
serena569 Posts: 427 Member
in Chit-Chat
We were planning to announce our engagement at his family's Christmas celebrations. His family is very large and they will all be together then. We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day. This is the first time they have invited her since he filed for divorce. It's also her first Christmas since her parents died.

Yes, I'm annoyed. Yes, they do like me also. I will pull up my zebra-striped big girl panties and deal with it.

Unfortunately, we cannot announce our engagement in front of the woman he was married to for more than 30 years before deciding he wanted out.

So now what? I'm tempted to call everyone after Christmas to tell them and to mention we had planned to announce it at Christmas but could not due to obvious reasons. Too snarky?
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Replies

  • MissAnjy
    MissAnjy Posts: 2,480 Member
    I find it entirely strange that a) she is invited and b) she is planning to attend.
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    We were planning to announce our engagement at his family's Christmas celebrations. His family is very large and they will all be together then. We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day. This is the first time they have invited her since he filed for divorce. It's also her first Christmas since her parents died.

    Yes, I'm annoyed. Yes, they do like me also. I will pull up my zebra-striped big girl panties and deal with it.

    Unfortunately, we cannot announce our engagement in front of the woman he was married to for more than 30 years before deciding he wanted out.

    So now what? I'm tempted to call everyone after Christmas to tell them and to mention we had planned to announce it at Christmas but could not due to obvious reasons. Too snarky?

    Yes. it's rude. But it's also rude of them to invite her. They are no longer married. However long they were married is irrelevant. As long as they are not married NOW and everybody knows about it; no, she should not be there.

    But that's neither here nor there.

    I would respond to them about your feelings about her coming (if you have any), not the raining of your engagement parade.
  • _Elemenopee_
    _Elemenopee_ Posts: 2,665 Member
    Maybe announce it at New Year's since it's a time to celebrate new beginnings? I can't imagine it being easy or enjoyable for her either. Though I do agree that maybe she shouldn't have been invited.
  • ShunkyDave
    ShunkyDave Posts: 190 Member
    Why would you feel so bad about announcing your engagement in front of her? It's your celebration, your event, your family. If she can't be gracious while hearing that news, it's her problem. Once you're married, you're more in the family than she is. Despite the years they shared, he's married to you, not her. That's a big difference.
  • n0ob
    n0ob Posts: 2,390 Member
    I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's no longer an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.
  • footiechick82
    footiechick82 Posts: 1,203 Member
    I think your man needs to speak his piece... this is his family you're talking about and he needs to say "Hey, that's my ex. This is my new woman. Remember?"

    I know it sucks having to put it on him, but really, it's not YOUR issue to deal with. It's his. UNTIL they know about the engagement of course.
  • Ivyzmama
    Ivyzmama Posts: 108 Member
    Since they didn't know you were getting engaged, it wouldn't look good for you to complain that they spoiled plans of yours that they didn't even know about. Look, they were married for 30 years and now the ex's parents are dead. After 30 years, I'd want to be considered as part of the family regardless of current marital status. Show some Christmas spirit and wait till New Year's to announce your engagement. Good news can be announced any time. And, congratulations on the engagement!
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's notlonger an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.

    I agree. My ex's family always invite me to their events. I usually decline, but they invite me. I was close to them. I dont' see it as that odd.

    I also don't understand why you can't announce your engagement.

    Maybe there's more going on than you know about?
  • catcrazy
    catcrazy Posts: 1,740 Member
    She was part of their lives for 30 years, she is family in many ways now, can't just turn off friendships because one party moves on.



    How is their (your partner and his ex) relationship? How is your relationship with her? If its civil then I wouldn't worry too much and still make your announcement, maybe get your partner to give his ex a heads up a few minutes before.
  • reasnableblonde
    reasnableblonde Posts: 212 Member
    Unless she's the mother of his children, she has no business being there. It's rude to you.

    I agree with _Elemenopee_ - announce it at New Years. I feel for you... my brother ruined my "announcement". My family already knew because we called them immediately after it happened, but it sucks when someone takes your joy out of the occasion.
  • Donnacoach
    Donnacoach Posts: 540 Member
    I would be honest with the family. Actually, your husband to be, should talk to his family and tell them that he does not want her there. It's not fair to you or him. This is YOUR engagement and YOUR time to be HAPPY. I think it's rude that they invited her without checking with their son and you first. If they insist on having her still attend, then I would still announce YOUR engagement. You would think she would be smart enough to not attend in the first place, however there are some that do not like to, "let go." I believe Christmas is a time for FAMILY to be together and YOU are going to be a part of this family NOT HER. Call me a scrooge, if you like, but I would be pissed and would not attend if she were planning on attending. Just my opinion....
  • ahviendha
    ahviendha Posts: 1,291 Member
    If her parents died this year, I understand why they'd want to go out on a limb for her.

    But I don't see why you should change your announcement plans. Just like you put on your big girl panties, she'll be putting on hers too.
  • MikeDaMotivator
    MikeDaMotivator Posts: 1,144
    Screw her! Do it anyway!
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's no longer an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.

    Wise words.
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
    We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day.

    They didn't tell you? You just found out? She's not HIS family anymore, so I think it's rude of them to invite her without discussing it with him first. While it's very kind of them to want to include her, they should have respected him enough to ask his feelings on it.

    Announce it on New Year's Day.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's no longer an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.

    yea, sorry, but 30 years made her part of the entire extended family, not just his... :/
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    We were planning to announce our engagement at his family's Christmas celebrations. His family is very large and they will all be together then. We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day. This is the first time they have invited her since he filed for divorce. It's also her first Christmas since her parents died.

    Yes, I'm annoyed. Yes, they do like me also. I will pull up my zebra-striped big girl panties and deal with it.

    Unfortunately, we cannot announce our engagement in front of the woman he was married to for more than 30 years before deciding he wanted out.

    So now what? I'm tempted to call everyone after Christmas to tell them and to mention we had planned to announce it at Christmas but could not due to obvious reasons. Too snarky?

    I know it spoils your plans...but she was in his life for 30 years and that doesn't go away...

    also it sounds like she recently lost HER parents and maybe his family is trying to help her get over feeling alone and isolated....

    I'm sorry it interferes with your plans, but i can see you intend to pull up your panties and deal...

    It does suck, but from the way you have worded this, they are just trying to do the right thing too....
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
    I agree that these previous relationships don't go away and I don't expect them to. Plus, I remember the lonliness after my father's death. Ne need to kick her while she's already down. I was raised differently than that. That's why I said I'd deal with it.

    I like the idea of announcing at New Year's but she'll probably be invited to that too.
  • Denise1224
    Denise1224 Posts: 150 Member
    I find it entirely strange that a) she is invited and b) she is planning to attend.

    ^ This I totally agree.. I wasn't with my ex for 30 years (only 12) but I still can't imagine inserting myself into his family functions... I think his parents may have invited her because of the loss of her parents...that didn't mean she should accept the invitation... its odd. Your fiance needs to tell his parents this is not cool....
  • smtillman2
    smtillman2 Posts: 756 Member
    I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's notlonger an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.

    I agree. My ex's family always invite me to their events. I usually decline, but they invite me. I was close to them. I dont' see it as that odd.

    I also don't understand why you can't announce your engagement.

    Maybe there's more going on than you know about?

    ^^^ I agree just because a couple gets divorced doesn't mean she's not family anymore. Especially i they had children together. It was very kind of your future inlaws to invite her. They have no way of knowing about your plans to announce your engagement . I don't understand why you can't make the announcement either. They are divorced and she has to expect that he is moving on with his life.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    It's a bit over the top that they invited her for both xmas eve AND xmas day. But I do see this happening more and more nowadays. In our own family it happens....my brother's ex and my nephew's ex stop by to wish the family Merry Christmas (they don't stay long though;)). I agree that an engagement announcement would be awkward. Make the announcement on New Year's Eve!

    Congratulations!
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
    I like the idea of announcing at New Year's but she'll probably be invited to that too.

    Then don't announce it publicly. Tell a few close family members and then let it trickle out. I would imagine it being very hurtful for her to be present for the announcement.
  • itgeekwoman
    itgeekwoman Posts: 804 Member
    I have spent many a christmas with my husband's x wife and her new husband and their child. My mother in law thought it would be the only way she would see the grand kids.. and she was correct. We tolerated it and life went on. I am not saying that you should do this. It was uncomfortable at best, but I got used to it. My husband was very hurt by this and I understand, as she left him for the other man.

    Anyway.. I would go, celebrate the way you want and announce your engagement after she leaves. She won't be there the whole time. If I recall, you mentioned that she lost both of her parents.. losing the extended family would be devastating. While I realize your difficulty, I would suggest that you take the high road and go and smile and be nice. After all, he chose you.

    Good luck!

    At least the x doesn't call every year on the anniversary and cry .. saying how she never should have left him.
  • k8eekins
    k8eekins Posts: 2,264 Member
    We were planning to announce our engagement at his family's Christmas celebrations. His family is very large and they will all be together then. We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day. This is the first time they have invited her since he filed for divorce. It's also her first Christmas since her parents died.

    ...

    So now what? I'm tempted to call everyone after Christmas to tell them and to mention we had planned to announce it at Christmas but could not due to obvious reasons. Too snarky?

    Would you consider informing the family at around Easter? Or would that be too late for the announcement?

    * At seeing the subject heading - I simply couldn't resist clicking into the thread.
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
    I find it entirely strange that a) she is invited and b) she is planning to attend.

    ^ This I totally agree.. I wasn't with my ex for 30 years (only 12) but I still can't imagine inserting myself into his family functions... I think his parents may have invited her because of the loss of her parents...that didn't mean she should accept the invitation... its odd. Your fiance needs to tell his parents this is not cool....

    I agree that she's still a member of the "family". But after a divorce, I believe that includes birthdays, weddings etc. Not family holidays IE Christmas, Easter.... where you'll be in close quarters with the new significant other. There comes a point where you should honor the current marriage/relationship and allow the old one to pass.
  • WickedGarden
    WickedGarden Posts: 944 Member
    So, this is "the first time they invited her since he wanted out"...are you saying that between last Christmas and this Christmas, you two got together and got engaged?
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
    We were planning to announce our engagement at his family's Christmas celebrations. His family is very large and they will all be together then. We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day. This is the first time they have invited her since he filed for divorce. It's also her first Christmas since her parents died.

    Yes, I'm annoyed. Yes, they do like me also. I will pull up my zebra-striped big girl panties and deal with it.

    Unfortunately, we cannot announce our engagement in front of the woman he was married to for more than 30 years before deciding he wanted out.

    So now what? I'm tempted to call everyone after Christmas to tell them and to mention we had planned to announce it at Christmas but could not due to obvious reasons. Too snarky?

    Why don't you both send everyone a 'Save the Date" e-card before Christmas? That way, his family will all be aware that you've decided to make your relationship permanent, preventing the Christmas awkwardness putting you through undue stress or circumstancial conflict minimisation.

    Fact is, if I was in your situation, I would have invited her myself. 30 years of commitment to the man you now love. Be assured in the love you both share. :)

    Are you snarky? No! Just human.
  • jamk1446
    jamk1446 Posts: 5,577 Member
    I agree that these previous relationships don't go away and I don't expect them to. Plus, I remember the lonliness after my father's death. Ne need to kick her while she's already down. I was raised differently than that. That's why I said I'd deal with it.

    I like the idea of announcing at New Year's but she'll probably be invited to that too.

    She'll have to get used to the idea at some point. That news might be easier to hear at New Year's rather than Christmas, especially if she's already grieving family.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    Why pre-empt these holidays to make the announcement? Why not have a special affair just for this announcement rather then taking over the holidays. :P
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
    I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's notlonger an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.

    I agree. My ex's family always invite me to their events. I usually decline, but they invite me. I was close to them. I dont' see it as that odd.

    I also don't understand why you can't announce your engagement.

    Maybe there's more going on than you know about?

    Not that we can't. I won't. There is no need to potentially cause her any pain.

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