Major Emotional Stumbling Block--Please Help

Let me share a little bit of my back story: Last year, I decided I was going to get into shape and lose some weight. I started at 190 and got down to between 165-170 (depending on the daily fluctuations). I was getting more confident and I was excited about where my weight-loss journey was starting to take me.

Then I got sick. I'm still seeking a diagnosis (unfortunately) but I've been through 3 MRIs, a CT scan, 2 EMGs, more blood tests than I can count, and I'm finally being forced to see a rheumatologist for what seems to be some kind of autoimmune disorder.

Until about a month ago, I hadn't been able to do much at the gym besides walk, and some of the medications I was taking made me gain weight. So long story short, I'm now heavier than I was when I started back in 2011 (about 200 lb. now), and for the past few weeks I was doing really well--eating right, working out at least 4 days a week, and setting new goals so I could get back down to a more comfortable size before my June Wedding.

Yesterday we got our engagement pictures back, which were taken at my highest weight throughout this entire ordeal. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't in denial about how much weight I had gained, but it was even more drastic in the pictures. I'm so disappointed and ashamed in myself, and although I've been able to stay on track yesterday and this morning and avoid the urges to eat some Ben and Jerry's and cry, I'm worried that I won't be able to hold up over the next couple days--I have to look at these pictures all weekend while I design save the dates.

Any advice for moments like this when you're just angry and frustrated with yourself even though you're trying to make life changes and move forward?


  • LillyPandafish
    LillyPandafish Posts: 3 Member
    I'm not sure I've got any answers, or that anything I say will help, but I wanted to say how well you're doing at not giving in.

    I'm trying to get back on track myself with dieting, and I'm trying to remember how positive I felt about it and how happy I was when I was losing weight. The first week I did victory laps round the bathroom cos I was so excited! You have done really, really well over the last month and I'm impressed (and envious) you've managed not to give in yesterday and today (as soon as I have any sort of wobble I seem to find myself heading straight for the food).

    Why do you have to look at those pictures over the weekend? Are they incorporated into the 'save the date'?

    The only advice I can offer is to remember how confident and excited you were, and how well you've been doing over the last month and try not to give yourself too hard a time about it. No, the pictures aren't great, but that was then and this is now and you're back in control. Good luck and stay strong. You can do this.
  • c_tap77
    c_tap77 Posts: 189 Member
    Thanks for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate it.

    Unfortunately we are planning on using the pictures on our save-the-date postcards. They're going out with our families' Christmas cards.

    I think what made it worse was looking at these pictures on my computer at work while on my desk are pictures from a Vacation we took in February when I was 30 pounds lighter!!!! Seeing the pictures of me when I weighed less are great motivation because I know I've been there within the last year and I can do it again, but seeing the two side by side was quite painful.

    Of course my fiance has been wonderful and supportive and says he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what size I am and that it's my happiness that matters the most. And he's right! It's just frustrating that being sick for the last 6 months has thrown me soooooo far off what I had been working toward for almost a year.
  • SteveT59
    SteveT59 Posts: 47 Member
    Good to hear that your young man is giving you the emotional support you need, and of course you know he's right, don't worry about what you look like now. Look forward in time and in a couple of years or whenever you have reached whatever your target is and you send out personalised cards for Christmas or Easter or whatever holiday, they will see how hard you've worked and how successful you have been. I would save the image you have now and put it beside the future you, then send them out with pride to anyone and everyone. And don't forget, this is down to the meds you're on and not your eating/exercising regime.
  • I don't know if this will help at all but I too have been having ongoing autoimmune health issues for the last two years. For a year I couldn't do anything and I too have gained( about 50 pounds.) All I can say is if you have a fluctuating conditions that even the doctors don't understand, (my condition was only discovered in 2004 so they have no idea really how to manage it) it is not unreasonable to have put weight loss to one side while you cope/ learn to manage your condition. A piece of advise given to me that always really helps is imagine the situation is not yours but your best friends. What would you say to your best friend? Would you give them a hard time about gaining a few pounds whilst fighting a major health issue? I doubt it. More than likely you would look at those photos and say 'wow even with everything that was going on my wonderful best friend kept going and look how happy she and her partner look even though all that was going on'.

    Give yourself the props and love that you deserve!
  • BCSMama
    BCSMama Posts: 348
    I'm sorry you're having a tough time. It sounds like you are doing great despite what you're having to deal with health wise. Try to think of it this way; by the time June rolls around you'll be that much closer to your goal (maybe even at your goal), and everyone who comes will be amazed at how fabulous you look. Just keep working at it and don't give up.
  • mightybooshmoon
    mightybooshmoon Posts: 14 Member
    First, I went through the same thing you are going through, health-wise, including going to the rheumatologist. I finally have a diagnosis, but it was hard getting there and very stressful. You have my warmest support!

    You've already done SO much by not letting how you feel about the picture throw you. It' s hard not to shame and re-shame yourself, but when I see heavy pictures of myself (some of them current....), I try to think: "I am still a good person, with some emotional pain and health issues that have led to a heavier weight than I like. That person in the picture was just gearing up to where I am now...on my way to taking care of myself, being healthier, and feeling good." This society makes us feel very ugly for being overweight. Eff that. We are not any such thing, and we should not be ashamed. If you have compassion and no harsh judgment of yourself, you WILL lose the weight and you WILL keep it off. Any other emotional response is a slippery slope to self loathing, and that does nothing but sabotage us.

    I read something on the Jezebel blog by a woman who is losing weight. It affected me profoundly; maybe it will for you:

    "I now understand where my struggle with weight comes from and even though getting it off is a day-by-day process, I know that with every pound I work to lose, another piece of that emotional weight I've been carrying comes off as well. I'm learning to love myself despite my flaws. I've decided that I no longer want food to b my baggy shirt and I'm shedding that for good. My happiness is no longer about food or men; it's about me and finally learning to love my body for what it is. A heaven-sent, honorable and worthy vessel of life and love. The body of a woman."