Boyfriend needs anger management, can someone relate?

highrise · March 2010

I had begun to think about leaving when he broke it off. Boy am I glad that he did. I was so emotionally dependent on him by that point that I don't know that I would have had the courage to leave. But when I look back now, I KNOW that he would have been abusive to our children. I KNOW that my life would not be anything like it is now.

I'm just out of a relationship with someone like this, and I'm glad for the reasons the poster above mentioned. It started going sour when he assaulted me because he was overtired one morning after we'd had a row the night before. My face was a mess for a couple of weeks. I wanted to be with this man, and have his kids, but I'm glad that it didn't work out - for my sake and theirs.

It's tough, really tough, but you must put your safety first. IME, a leopard does not change their spots, however hard you wish for it. You'll find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve, can keep a handle on their temper, and takes responsibility for their actions - but this man is not this person.

Good luck, I hope you find the strength to make the break.

kwardklinck · March 2010

Well, I've been dating him for 2 1/2 years. We've been living with each other the whole time (weird I know). I've been having a lot of trouble on deciding if I should stay with him or not due to the fact that he has serious anger problems. He isn't mean towards me, it's just when he is losing in his video game, or when my neices are being too loud when he's sleeping, or if I leave my clothes on the floor and in his way, or minuscule things like these happen then he turns into this horrible monster that curses and breaks stuff. He's so uptight and judgemental, it drives me crazy! I'm the total opposite (layed back, tender-hearted, believes everyone should have a chance) It's like we're star crossed lovers (not really but its the best way I can explain how much we love each other) If we get along so great when he's not irate does that mean we are okay to be with each other? Should I not put up with this? I know he can't help his anger and that's why I give him so much slack but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe he belongs to someone more like him. I could use some comments from some people who have/have had this same problem. I'm starting to become hopeless.

My son was like this and I got him some help. It's turned home from a war-zone to a nice and relaxed place to be. If he can't control himself and must break things to release his anger, he needs help plain and simple. You don't want him to turn violent against you or your nieces.

weeble2008 · March 2010

First and foremost I wish you all the best. As far as relating to this situation, I somewhat can. When my ex-husband and I got divorced, my son was only 3 months old. I was going through a lot of different emotions and it was really difficult. As my son got to be a year old and mobile, I found that I was getting very frustrated with things that just weren't worth it. There was a lot of stress and I would find myself yelling a lot. I immediately went to the therapist I saw after my divorce and we tried a anxiety / anti-depressant medication. It worked great. I'm not heavily medicated, it's a very small dosage, and I still have feelings and emotions, but they're more controlled. It's a chemical imbalance.

In the past couple years, my husband (of 3 years) has gotten very upset about somethings that don't warrant that much anger or frustration. I obviously noticed it and talked to him about it, but during one of these blow ups. I chose a time when we were alone and just relaxing. I explained to him that I've noticed his outbursts and that he doesn't need to feel that way. I suggested he go talk to his doctor and see what he says. His doctor suggested a low dosage anxiety medication and since taking it, my husband has been noticeably better!

My opinion, you should both go see a therapist together. If he won't go, you should go yourself and they can hopefully give you some good suggestions of what you should / could do.

Best wishes!

lotusfromthemud · March 2010

step one: ask him to seek counseling.

step two: if he refuses, run.

love, someone whose first husband abused her and then stalked her for two years after she left.

Breaking stuff in front of you because he is angry = emotional abuse. If he doesn't seek help right now, he will escalate. It is a mathematical certainty.

greeneyedgirl829 · March 2010

Questions you need to ask yourself:

Does your life make you feel like your walking on eggshells?

Do you think about things before you do them and consider if it will cause one of his emotional blowouts?

Do you miss out on things because of him?

From your post, I have a feeling the answer is yes...I stayed with someone with anger problems and depression for 2+ years that refused to get help. It wasn't bad at first...but everything escalates. He never physically abused me...just mentally and emotionally...and personally, I think that kind of abuse is worse.

Depression etc is an illness and leads to anger, mood swings, and sometimes violence. I stayed with him because sometimes it was good...and because I wanted to help him. I thought that if I stayed and ONE DAY he got treatment, he would go back to being the guy I met in the first place. Funny thing is, he never did and one day I realized I never knew that person to begin with.

I don't regret being compassionate and wanting to help him...but I do regret the time I wasted. By being with him, I became depressed, my self esteem dropped sooooooo low, I lost contact with friends, my grades slipped.....etc etc etc.

Take it from someone who knows and hates seeing other people going through these experiences....

Get out now.

sboothe24 · March 2010

This from personal expierience....when my husband deployed the first time everything was good between us but when he came back from Iraq he had turned in a hateful person in everyway. I was miserable and I fell into depression. I just remember wishing that I had never married him. There was mental abuse and then it eventualy turned into physical abuse. He even abused our pet. And I read somewhere that if a man is mean to an animal that he is most likely to be mean to children. One night a physical fight had gotten so bad that I had to call the cops in fear of my life. Because he was military his Sarg got involved. So we had to go through marriage counsuling and he had to go through therapy. The whole time he had a really bad case of PTSD. He's being treated for it now and things could not be better. He has his bad days but he will always have them. He went to war two times. I guess what I'm trying to say is that is sit down and really draw out a plan for your life. Do you want to be with a man that treats you like that and you always wanna feel like your walking on eggshells or do you want a man that shares you intrests and you can act freely with. You should never feel nervous with your boyfriend, spouse, etc. Thats not a good sign. It may hurt to break up but you will realize how much stronger you will be and happier. My cousin was married to an abusive man without military background..just plain ol' mean and she finaly divorced him 2 kids later and she's looking amazing, got her a job and is living on her own. She's unstoppable. And I'm not saying that a military background should be an excuse for that kind of behavior but the only reason why I stayed is because he wasnt liek that before he deployed and PTSD is an illness and I love him enough to help him and it was worth it. But if the man is like that for no reason. It's never a good sign. Please be careful and I hope you make the right desicion for you.

ZebraHead · March 2010

In my younger days I had a bit of a 'Macho' problem, something just below the surface that could explode into something uncontrolled. Video games didn't exist then but then everyone with issues can make their own trigger point. It's like some type of mental release (in my case). Always drained and sorry after it was over, never lasted more than a few minutes but a lot of damage both physical and emotional can happen in a few seconds. Once it's done you can't take it back either.
I don't know the answer in your case. I also grew up in an environment where emotions were volatile (to put it mildly), very stressful. You may not admit it to yourself but every time your partner acts out this way you lose something for them. Don't wait to be the focus of his spontaneous rage. No matter how short the outburst it is uncontrolled anger with the potential to do you or someone else you care about great harm. You can't wait for this person, you can't change this person, and you can only watch this person and wait for the next thing that will set them off. You begin to look for the next thing that might set them off. Don't do this, don't say that, don't leave that there, don't cook this, don't buy that.... You must decide but you don't have the 20 years it will take for him to come to terms with his childish macho side and become a man. Run, be free of it.

Marla64 · March 2010

Run fast. Run far. Don't stop running.

My eldest son has "anger management" issues-- he's a nut with no self control. Slams things, throws things, does things, says things-- We've already kicked him out three times because of it.

He sees it, admits it, cries over it and refuses to take control of it. He blameshifts-- says he "can't' control it. I say he won't. No such thing as can't. If/when he hates his character flaws enough, he'll change them. I pray he stays single for a loonnnnnng time until he controls himself.

Your boyfriend is no different-- won't be long until the things he's throwing and/or breaking are you and your children.

Run now.

Breckgirl · April 2010

Ask yourself some simple questions...

1) Are you a different person when you are not around him? ie. more relaxed, less stressed?

2) Have you noticed friends and family treating you differently since you've been with him?

3) Would you put up with the same behavior from a friend, family member, or co-worker?

4) Would he put up with you acting like he does?

I was married for 17 yrs to a man that had anger issues among other things. When thinks were good, they were picture perfect, when they were bad it was a made for TV movie! We went to couseling together and separately for over three years. While it got better it was never, I repeat NEVER "Normal". We have since divorced and he is now in a new relationship and living with a woman and the same things are happening in thier relationship that happened in ours. I still love him dearly and we are best friends, but 12 years later I can tell you that although I miss the good I don't miss the bad and am better off without him. Don't waist 17 years trying to "fix" or "accomodate" his behavior. JMHO

Boyfriend needs anger management, can someone relate?

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