Life amidst the dying.

TheFinalThird · December 2012

5:45pm today. After a quick dinner (Donato's pizza and salad) and sanity walk (twice around the mall for exercise and to clear my head), I arrived back at my home-away-from-home for the past two weeks-- the Intensive Care Unit of St. John's Medical Center hospital. Earlier today, at my sister's request, I conveyed to her the unanimous consensus of all of her doctors that no matter what they did, in all probability, she would not survive more than a few months more. My goal tonight was merely to "be there" for her. Not to make her talk about what I'd shared, or anything... just to be there in case SHE wanted or needed to talk.

As it turned out, we watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy together before I got ready to head back to the hotel for the night. The only thing approximating conversation the whole evening was each of us randomly calling out answers (sometimes right, oft times wrong) to the various questions. Finally, as I prepared to gather myself to leave, R said to me softly, "I got quite a lot to think about today, huh?" I said, "yeah, you did. But as you said earlier, who's to say that the doctors are right?" We said our goodbyes for the night and I headed out into the hall for the all-to-familiar walk to my rental car. Down the hall, right at the end, straight through the doors, right at the end, left at the end, pass the elevators, down the stairs (calorie burn) to the lobby, out the door, and 200 yards to the furthest part of the parking lot (additional calorie burn).

I was deep in my thoughts of the day as I hoisted my backpack (with laptop, tablet, etc. etc., on board) onto my shoulders and headed down the hall. Did I do the right thing shooting straight with her? Did she deserve to know the honest truth about what probably lies ahead? Or should I have let her enjoy her fantasies of being back at home in a few days, taking care of herself, once again reunited with her beloved cats?

I had very little chance to think through those deeply troubling questions. As I rounded the first turn down the hall from my sister's room in the ICU, a mournful shriek emanated from one of the other ICU rooms, jolting me from my thoughts. I had no idea what was going on. I peered into the room and saw several members of a family gathered around the bed of a now silent and still elderly man, the steady beep of the flatlined heart monitor signalling his passing from this world into what lies beyond. I had literally been present at the precise moment that he passed from living to dead.

It was a chilling reminder of what lies ahead for each one of us. Every man and woman who has ever lived either has died already or will die one day. Of this I am certain. This week, indeed, this year, our Nation has endured so much untimely and tragic death. That, -- and my experience today-- stand as a stark reminder to make each day... no, each second... count as much as possible. An invisible clock is perched above each and every one of us, ruthlessly and ceaselessly ticking down the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and if we're lucky, years until we breathe our last.

Can there be any greater incentive for each of us to squeeze as much meaning and joy and love and truth and beauty out of every day that we are blessed to live? Today is over. You will never get it back. What will you do to make YOUR tomorrow count?

MandaJean83 · December 2012

I'm really sorry to hear about your sister. I work on an oncology floor as a nurse, and I've actually held the hands of patients as they passed away (for instance, when family wasn't able to make it in time). It's a very sobering experience, and it truly does get you thinking about your priorities in life. I think at times like this, we all need a reminder about what's important and what's not!

chrisc16 · December 2012

I was deeply honored to be present when my father passed. It's an experience I'll treasure and remember for my entire life. He went very peaceful; he went the way I want to go.
It is thought provoking and sobering, but it's an eventuality we'll all face.

God bless.

MissJanet55 · December 2012

What a lovely post. To answer your questions about what you should say, only you know the answer. And probably it isn't one or the other, but a combination of possible answers. Sometimes we know the truth but are afraid to speak it, and other times we want people around us to speak the truth for us.

I cared for my mom over the four years she took to die. Sometimes it was sad, sometimes it was funny, sometimes it was infuriating. But looking back, no matter how hard it was, it was a privilege to care for someone who was dying. It is a very intimate process.

After the terrible shootings yesterday I have been struck by how precious and unpredictable life is. And I have watched people around me wanting to hide instead of stepping into their lives. It takes a lot of courage to do that. So, well done. And good luck. It's a long, hard battle.

best,

Janet

lsegatti · December 2012

Your story is one that is repeated time after time across this nation. They gave my mother 4 to 6 weeks to live and she made it an additional 9 months with brain cancer. Her days were spent in a care facility, having become blind by the tumors. At the time I thought it was cruel for her to have to last that long but as the months rolled by I began to see that she was able to "celebrate" the birth of her 6 th grandchild, flag day, another wedding anniversary with my Dad, Easter, memorial day etc. In addition to the celebratory days, she had all that time to enjoy strawberry milkshakes, visits with all of her family and friends, etc.

You are so right that we need to express to family and friends that we love them, miss them, enjoy their quirks and sense of humor. The little things in life are the best part of things to remember. The rest that we are struggling for and clamoring to gain is just stuff. I hope that at some point, you will recall with fondness and a smile the evening you spent with your sister calling out TV game show answers.

I wish you a better tomorrow and a new chance to cherish all that the day will bring!

MsDover · December 2012

Life flows.... we come to this world, spend our time, how ever long that might be, and we hope we've left something good behind to be remembered. Yesterday twenty 6 and 7 year olds had their brief lives stolen from them. This morning, my daughter gave birth to her first baby... my 4th grandchild. We joyfully welcome him to our family at the same time so many others are saying goodbye to their children, or their elderly parents, or their beloved sisters or brothers. We attended a funeral today for a friend from our community.... 50 years old, taken far too soon. The joys and the sorrows.... life flows.....

stephanj · December 2012

Thank you for this honesty. I am sorry for your sister's prognosis. I have had similar conversations with my mom recently, who has stage 4 cancer. It's slowly sinking in to me that we all die, and that I have to be okay with losing her. But it's hideously painful too. Nothing to do but take today for the gift it is. Take care.

farmwife3815 · December 2012

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. I was present when both my grandparents passed away. It is an awesome responsibility as well as a gift. Use this time. Tell her you love her everyday.

Deipneus · December 2012

"Did I do the right thing shooting straight with her?"

You made the best decision you could which is all you can ask of yourself.

BarbellBlondieRuns · December 2012

Last night I ran for all the children who can no longer know that joy. The wind on my face and the dirt beneath my feet. I ran and thought of all the little children who had been running at recess earlier that day.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with your decision to be up front with your sister. I think it was the right decision. You are a great brother. Keep on taking care of you so you can keep on taking care of her.

HUGS ♥ ♥ ♥

RunMyOregonBunsOff · December 2012

My thoughts are you and your family. I think that you made the right choice to tell her what the doctors are telling you. Enjoy the time that you have with here now.

I asked my head instructor if we could start our adult belt test today (which was the first test of the day) with a moment of silence for all the tragedy that we have seen this week. He granted my request and it was amazing to see the range of emotions on people's faces as he talked about what happened this past week. Everything from tears of sadness to grim determination.

Tomorrow I have a seminar to go to (on pressure points) and my husband is driving over with me (1 hour 15 minute-ish drive) so that he can do some Christmas shopping while I am learning new ways to bring the pain. It is going to be nice to just have some time alone where we can just enjoy each other's company.

mystikfairy61 · December 2012

In 2009, I worked in an extended living facility as a nurse. I had the priviledge of staying with a patient who was dying while waiting for her daughter to arrive. I didn't want to leave her alone so I stayed by her side, sang to her and read from her Bible to her. It is an experience that I won't soon forget. Each of us has to pass thru that valley and we don't know when or how. But from that experience, I carried away an awe for the passage from this life to the next. I couldn't agree more with what Scott said about living each day in a way that will leave something for others to remember and hold fondly. We are each given our allotted time and need to do everything we can to let others know how much they are loved, appreciated, missed etc. Life doesn't come with any guarantees and we don't have an expiration tag that says exactly how long we have to enjoy life and those we live around. So live each day as if it were your last and give gifts of love, comfort, joy and peace to those around you.

Eve23 · December 2012

What a beautiful and poignant post. I think you gave your sister a truly honest gift and although it was not one you wanted to give her you gave it with the love and concern of someone who loves her. I pray that you will have the same grace and peace that you showed her tonight when the day comes you must release her to the heavens.

I believe that even at our sick bed we often know the truth but will not allow ourselves to think on it much. You are allowing her the freedom to have those thoughts honestly.

Prayers for you and your family.

jkestens63 · December 2012

You did the right thing. When my mom was told she was ok with it. She told us that she had had a good life with a wonderful husband (my dad died 30 years ago and she never remarried) and great kids. She just wanted to come home. The doctors gave her 2 months, but she died 8 days after being given the news, one day after we brought her home after turning the living room into a bedroom for her (andme, so she would never be alone). She died about 5 minutes after big sis and I had returned from a doctor appt for me. I am so glad we were there for her and she was home with family and her short furries (she had two dacshunds... apple doesn't fall too far from the tree).

And we used to watch the Jeopardy/Wheel combo with her too... and big sis and I still do.

nsdjogger · December 2012

It's impossible to know how anyone will process that kind of truth. You did the right thing.

theCarlton · December 2012

In Feb of this year I was present when my uncle died at the hospital. I was there when he went in after his stroke, and every evening after that before he went Code Blue, his brain completely died, and he finally was allowed to die (this all took 4 days).

He would not have wanted what his wife chose to do with him there. And she did it because she couldn't bring herself to let him die, and he couldn't tell her to just do it. He always said "pull the plug on me if I get that way". But it's different when you are responsible for pulling that plug.

I don't know your sister, but at least knowing what lies ahead means she can make her death what she wants it to be. Maybe you can be part of helping her plan it, the various scenarios that could occur in the hospital and how she would like her health care proxy to respond to it. This person should be able to do what needs to be done. In the heat of the moment, that can be very difficult to sort through your own morals or to look at someone you love and be the one to decide it's time to let him/her die.

His wife didn't know whether he was an organ donor (He lived a crazy awesome life and didn't think he had salvageable organs. Turns out his eyes could have been donated.) She didn't know what he wanted done with his body because he genuinely didn't care. Her family wanted one thing, his side of the family wanted another. These are things your sister now has time to consider. You gave her that, and it's good.

Discuss the things she's accomplished in life so she doesn't forget that her life was meaningful. If she has a good legacy to carry on, promise her you'll carry it. My uncle was the funniest, coolest guy ever. At his memorials you heard so many people say he was their best friend. How could he be a best friend to so many people? But if you knew him, you knew... When he was with you, it was all about appreciating this time with you. When you talked, he listened and responded. When you had a problem, he would try to cheer you up by distracting you with his craziness. When you went to his house, he'd cook for you and make you something awesome to drink. That's the legacy he left that I choose to carry. He was no brain surgeon, definitely no Mother Theresa, and he made the same mistakes that we all make in life. But his life was important. Your sister is lucky that she might get to hear that while she's still alive.

verptwerp · December 2012

You're a wonderful brother ...... and you have a wonderful sister !

I think of my sister Joan every single day ....... she died 10 years ago, at age 48, after years of battling cancer ....... Joan is my all-time hero ....... she knew exactly what was happening to her & did everything possible to get her affairs in order ....... she said we shouldn't have to deal with all her "stuff" LOL ...... Joan was positive she was going to a "better place" ...... I was with her when she passed away & I think she was right

jmkmomm · December 2012

We sat with my Mom in a hospice for about 2 weeks as she was dying. Oh yes, a part of you die everyday with her. But she does deserve to know what will be happening to her. It's her body. Luckily my Mom went into a coma after the first week and she didn't know anythig, that is except pain. But it was a wonderful gift I gave myself and her to be with her until she took her last breathe. I did tons of journaling while sitting with her.

lizziebeth1028 · December 2012

My sincere and deepest sympathy to you and your family. I've been in that ICU room..for my Dad (3 years ago) and my sister (2 years ago). Watching that damn heart monitor, waiting for that last breath. Nothing prepares you for the loss of a loved one. It's devastating. It does remind us to embrace what we have, appreciate it, love with all your heart, don't sweat the small stuff and be thankful for every moment you get with your loved ones

MelissR75 · December 2012

I was lucky enough to make it to the hospital and be with my family and hold my grandmothers hand as she passed. She was the strongest woman I have ever known and to be there with her at that moment, to be able to tell her I loved her, was comforting for me. Death is never easy but that made it just a little more bearable.

fishgutzy · December 2012

Truly eloquent prose. You write beautifully about your sister in a difficult time. If you are not getting paid to write, you should be.

When my father was told he had 2 months to live after a short battle with an aggressive cancer, it was as if he decided he had enough. He had done his part to fight and was now ready. He was gone two weeks later, surrounded by family at home. The alarm on his morphine pump is what signaled his passing. It went of when the flow stopped.

Life amidst the dying.

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