Looking for advice. Doubting myself... (TEXT HEAVY)

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Bakerchk
Bakerchk Posts: 424 Member
in Motivation and Support
A little background before I explain the situation I am in. I am 23 years old, but much more mature than most of my friends. I tend to gravitate towards people 30+ (or at least people who act that age) because I enjoy myself much more around those type of people. I've got two best friends, one my roommate (also 23) and another is a friend I met a few years back., Kristina (who is 29). Normally when we go out, it consists of drinking, not always what I want to do, but I enjoy their company. Now granted, I've had my "wasted" nights, I usually have a few drinks and go home. I don't enjoy being dizzy drunk unlike some people. My roommate is similar but is more gravitated to the "party" scene, where I would more enjoy being at home with a beer.

So, I've been having an issue with my friend Kristina (not the roommate). She tends to get very drunk whenever we go out and will start to run her mouth. Now, a lot of people do that, and most people blow it off, because their "drunk". However, I've always used my words wisely, drunk or not. So I tend to take offense to some things she says. The main issue I have with her, is that she gets physical. I've NEVER been the physical type and have never been in a fight with someone. She's hit me (usually pushing, but has punched me in the arm or somewhere else) on several occasions. Every time she does it, I stop her and let her know that I am not okay with that.

Last week, I went to meet up with her. She played in a dodge ball game and we grabbed drinks after. It was Thursday night, so I had one beer and was ready to head home. Apparently in the two hours I was with her, she had a few mixed drinks and was plastered. When walking out of the bar, she comes up behind me and punches me dead in the back. I turned around quickly and punched her back in the chest. It was an automatic reaction. Her roommate broke it up (even though I wouldn't have hit her again) and she was pissed at ME! I told her that I'm tired of her *kitten* and I can't deal with her hitting me anymore. I went home and she continued to text my phone saying rude things like "You're a horrible friend" "You just came out so you could *kitten* my roommate" and other unnecessary comments. The next morning (like always) I get an apology text. I took the weekend to think about what I wanted to say and wrote her a message on facebook this past Sunday (so 4 days after the incident).

I told her, in great detail that I can no longer put myself in violent situations. Not that those situations were deemed "violent" but that I could see them escalating to that point. I also told her that I believe she has a drinking problem and whether or not she'd like to admit it, I'm still here for her. I've never seen this girl have "a" drink. It's always black out drunk with her. I told her that I had to set boundaries for myself because I do not want to put myself in those situations anymore. I told her that I would only continue to hang out with her in a sober environment.

So, she's yet to write me back but did call my roommate and tell her about it. My roommate seemed pissed at me. And in talking to her about it last night she asked "So you're seriously not going to hang out with her if she is drinking?" In a mocking tone of course. I told her what I told Kristina, that I refuse to put myself in a hazardous situation and that Kristina cannot have one drink, she continues to drink until she blacks out, and that's when the word vomit and hitting start.

So, here is where I need advice. Am I being a prude? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I feel like I put my boundaries where I needed to and if my roommate wants to be upset with me, that's her bad.

Looking for advice. I've always been a push over and I let people walk all over me. I'm tired of acting like that and I want to start taking some control of my life.
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  • lovechicagobears
    lovechicagobears Posts: 289 Member
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    You did the right thing. You removed yourself from a potentially harmful situation without being rude about it by stating that you DO want to be friends, just not in a violent environment. I would have done the same thing.

    I hope she learns from this and gets her act together. There's nothing wrong with being drunk, but it sounds like it goes beyond the occasional fun weekend. Also, the punching/hitting has to stop. One of these days, she's going to hit the wrong person. I'd hate to see her get hurt.
  • LMHinson15
    LMHinson15 Posts: 201 Member
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    It is always ok to make boundaries for yourself. Period. If you don't feel safe or comfortable with her, then you are wise to steer clear.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
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    You did the right thing. Bottom line is your friend is an obnoxious drunk and hitting someone is not acceptable. You are not obligated to hang out with her when she's like that. End of story. Tell her you'll be happy to hang out if alcohol is not involved. But at this point she can't handle her drink and you don't have to be around her!
  • florymonde
    florymonde Posts: 261 Member
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    I think you responded well to a difficult situation. You had a mature response stating that you will not allow her to walk all over you, but you do still want to be her friend.
  • RunsOnEspresso
    RunsOnEspresso Posts: 3,218 Member
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    It's hard to confront a friend but you did the right thing. She may not see it now (or ever) but you have to do what is right for you.

    When I was in my early 20's there were people I would not go out drinking with because of how they acted. And a few times, that I wasn't there, these people got into fights. I didn't want any part of that.
  • nikinyx6
    nikinyx6 Posts: 772 Member
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    You're in the right, I agree.

    My husband and I had a lot of these type of friends too, when we grew up, bought a house, and settled down, no one else did...even though they're in their 30's, they act like 16 year olds.

    Most of them don't even know we moved to a new house....
  • katz22
    katz22 Posts: 116 Member
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    ... Kristina cannot have one drink, she continues to drink until she blacks out, and that's when the word vomit and hitting start...

    I think you're fully justified not to hang out with this person unless they are sober. I hope your friend can put a stop to the drinking habits you describe as she is only putting her health and personal safety at risk she continues.
  • tinak33
    tinak33 Posts: 9,883 Member
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    You did the right thing.

    You don't have to hang out with them. If they are good friends, they will try to see your point of view, and make a point to hang out here and there without alcohol.
    Good friends respect their friends. If they don't respect you for having boundaries, etc, then they aren't good friends and you can do better.

    It's not going to be easy though.... Especially since your roommate is involved. You may find yourself in 2 against 1 scenarios more often than you want...
    Stand your ground though. You have to look out for your best interest.

    I was also a pushover when I was younger. I'm 33 now and can say that I won't do things I don't want to do. I won't go places or hang with people if I'm uncomfortable. I will leave. And my friends now, they know that and they respect that. Actually, most of them think the same way that I do when it comes to bars and drinking. So that makes it easier. haha
  • CorvusCorax77
    CorvusCorax77 Posts: 2,536 Member
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    I agree boundaries are a good thing. You are acting VERY mature in this situation. The person who hit you first should not complain that you hit back. Especially when what you did was just a reflex to being attacked.

    I have zero friends who hit me. Zero. And i have friends who drink tons. If someone treated me this way, I would not hang out with them.

    I have had to cut friends out of my life before. And i have done it for emotionally abusive treatment from my friends. And i don't regret it. I'm sad that I no longer have that friend, but I am a lot happier that i no longer have to deal wtih that crap. This particular person had issues with me mostly (and a few other females) but gets along just fine with a bunch of our mutual friends. We still go to the same parties for mutual friends and we are polite to eachother. No one had to pick sides or anythign like that. This is what MATURE people do. Set boundaries and respect them (and yes, my friend was emotionally abusive to me, but it's her own mental health issues and luckily she does respect my boundary I set).

    So my point is: you are doing the right thing, doing it maturely, and if mutual friends give you crap for it, they are not very mature people.
  • mtabh
    mtabh Posts: 128 Member
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    Just move on from the friendship. She is 29 and still getting belligerent to the point of hitting her friends? She needs help. Find yourself some mature friends. Stop going to bars - find friends at the bookstore or gym. LOL.
  • Bakerchk
    Bakerchk Posts: 424 Member
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    Thank you all for your input. You guys have reassured me that I made the right choice. Sometimes I feel lost in between my less mature friends and my mature friends. I'm still learning a lot about myself and about the relationships I have and want in my life. I need to stray away from stressful (and possibly harmful) situations, and this is how I felt I needed to do that. :)
  • junodog1
    junodog1 Posts: 4,792 Member
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    I was wondering if she is a lesbian or bi-sexual and if so is perhaps frustrated in her relationship with you. I thought this sounds a lot like immature, jealous, frustrated, lovesick males I knew in my past. Not necessarily the hitting part, but her actions in total. She may have a torch for you. I guess this would not apply if she is straight.





    Edited for grammar fix (article use)
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
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    Well you're definitely taking control over your life and the situations you put yourself in. I agree with the others; walk away from the friendship. And if your roommate can't see what you see in your other friends' drinking, then perhaps she needs a wake up call in the form of a punch.
  • ObtainingBalance
    ObtainingBalance Posts: 1,446 Member
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    You did the best thing. She's just ticked because shes the childish one... What do you expect her reaction to be? You told her you won't hang out with her when she drinks, she probably doesn't want to admit that she gets out of control/rude when shes drinking.
  • CuteWittleWifey
    CuteWittleWifey Posts: 60
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    Just recently I had to cut my dead-beat father out of my life for good and ask my family on his side (whom I'm close to) to help keep him away from me. I'm having a baby soon, and after a ton of negative things he has said about me, my husband and my unborn child, I will not tolerate him playing pretend when the baby comes. Although different from your situation, it all boils down to the same thing:

    Creating boundaries for yourself, whether for physical protection, emotional protection, or whatever, is a mature, reasonable thing to do.

    It seems like you've completely had it with the obnoxious situations you've been put in, and there is absolutely no need to continously feel uncomfortable in a situation just to make others happy.

    What you did was healthy and completely called for. :) Stay strong...I know what its like to have people oppose such important, and much-needed personal decisions.
  • Bakerchk
    Bakerchk Posts: 424 Member
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    I was wondering if she is a lesbian or bi-sexual and if so is perhaps frustrated in her relationship with you. I thought this sounds a lot like immature, jealous, frustrated, lovesick males I knew in my past. Not necessarily the hitting part, but her actions in total. She may have a torch for you. I guess this would not apply if she is straight.





    Edited for grammar fix (article use)

    This is a good observation but no, I don't think this is the case. I think she's got some deep rooted personal issues and believes it is okay to hit.
  • Bakerchk
    Bakerchk Posts: 424 Member
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    You did the best thing. She's just ticked because shes the childish one... What do you expect her reaction to be? You told her you won't hang out with her when she drinks, she probably doesn't want to admit that she gets out of control/rude when shes drinking.

    I knew going into it, not to have high expectations. I knew that she would take offense to me accusing her of having a drinking problem, and I am okay with that. I was not scared of hurting her feelings. I wanted to tell her the honest truth, how I felt.
  • Bakerchk
    Bakerchk Posts: 424 Member
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    Just recently I had to cut my dead-beat father out of my life for good and ask my family on his side (whom I'm close to) to help keep him away from me. I'm having a baby soon, and after a ton of negative things he has said about me, my husband and my unborn child, I will not tolerate him playing pretend when the baby comes. Although different from your situation, it all boils down to the same thing:

    Creating boundaries for yourself, whether for physical protection, emotional protection, or whatever, is a mature, reasonable thing to do.

    It seems like you've completely had it with the obnoxious situations you've been put in, and there is absolutely no need to continously feel uncomfortable in a situation just to make others happy.

    What you did was healthy and completely called for. :) Stay strong...I know what its like to have people oppose such important, and much-needed personal decisions.

    I also did this recently with my dad, who is an alcoholic. The relationship became entirely too stressful for me, so I decided to no longer have contact with him.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    Yes, it sounds like you are heading in the right direction to get away from that.
    Of course, in reality, she actually assaulted you, which is illegal.
    As you move away from that kind of thing, your standards for yourself in friendship and other areas will get higher.
    Keep moving that way!
  • lovechicagobears
    lovechicagobears Posts: 289 Member
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    I don't know if it's an age thing, but like a previous poster, I definitely became less of a pushover once I was in my thirties. (I'll be 36 next month.) It's like my BS tolerance meter got re-calibrated or something. I find it much easier to say "no", I don't take crap from anyone, and I've cut a lot of negative, horrible people from my life and didn't even worry about the resulting drama. I just don't care anymore. Let them think what they want. :glasses:

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