Adult family member wants to be spoon fed
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Posts: 749 Member
I've got a family member in her 50s who's fed up with being overweight. She's got a 'diet' mindset, I think because of her generation.
She wants me to give her a list of foods to eat, and isn't interested in learning more about nutrition. Certainly not in counting calories.
I'd like her to learn enough so she can make reasonable choices. Because A, I don't even know what foods she *really* likes. (She won't even spend the time to tell me this much.) I do know a few she hates.
And B, say I give her foods 1-20. Say she doesn't like half of them, and decides to fry the other half, and make a little substitution that's 'probably' ok, and fails at losing weight despite 'making an effort'. I don't want her to have the memory of another failure, as I know this will be demotivating. I want her to succeed.
I don't always have a lot of patience for the kind of emotional persuasion I think would be required to pull her into better habits, and I'm not sure I should even try - won't work anyway if she's not up for it.
So how can I help her? Any book recommendations? Would be great if it were super user friendly, covered food prep, didn't exclude any particular food, etc etc.
I've tried to explain things verbally, but she's not bothered about listening for very long. To be fair, I've been a bit too detailed, probably, and can be kind of preachy when pressed like that.
She wants me to give her a list of foods to eat, and isn't interested in learning more about nutrition. Certainly not in counting calories.
I'd like her to learn enough so she can make reasonable choices. Because A, I don't even know what foods she *really* likes. (She won't even spend the time to tell me this much.) I do know a few she hates.
And B, say I give her foods 1-20. Say she doesn't like half of them, and decides to fry the other half, and make a little substitution that's 'probably' ok, and fails at losing weight despite 'making an effort'. I don't want her to have the memory of another failure, as I know this will be demotivating. I want her to succeed.
I don't always have a lot of patience for the kind of emotional persuasion I think would be required to pull her into better habits, and I'm not sure I should even try - won't work anyway if she's not up for it.
So how can I help her? Any book recommendations? Would be great if it were super user friendly, covered food prep, didn't exclude any particular food, etc etc.
I've tried to explain things verbally, but she's not bothered about listening for very long. To be fair, I've been a bit too detailed, probably, and can be kind of preachy when pressed like that.
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Replies
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You can't help her and you're buying into her B.S. by trying. Tell her to count calories, eat a balanced diet and watch her macros, and then back away. If she asks again, repeat the above.
Sometimes tough love is necessary.0 -
I take your point, thanks, and agree.
But add into the mix that she's not a native English speaker, not tech-savvy, and has some culture-specific beliefs about what eating and food are about. Should have said, sorry!
I honestly think this is from decades of experiencing 'healthy living' as internalizing rules to 'drink hot water and lemon in the morning' and 'never eat bread' or 'only eat cabbage soup'.0 -
What about the food pyramid? I would think that is easier to take in than a book for someone with no interest in learning about nutrition.0
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You can't help her and you're buying into her B.S. by trying. Tell her to count calories, eat a balanced diet and watch her macros, and then back away. If she asks again, repeat the above.
Sometimes tough love is necessary.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This0 -
I take your point, thanks, and agree.
But add into the mix that she's not a native English speaker, not tech-savvy, and has some culture-specific beliefs about what eating and food are about. Should have said, sorry!
That's tough but I still say tell her to count the calories and eat a balanced diet. The more straight forward it is then the more likely someone is going to be able to follow through with it; and by encouraging the easy fix you're only helping to set her up for the yo yo of dieting. If you don't mind sharing, what are the obstacles that you're up against as to her diet beliefs, etc?0 -
What about the food pyramid? I would think that is easier to take in than a book for someone with no interest in learning about nutrition.
That's a good one. Visuals for portion sizes would be great too. Thanks
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If someone isn't willing to do the work for themselves (like learning about nutrition) then there is nothing you can do for them. They won't make the changes needed to maintain it long term.0
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She doesn't need to be tech-savvy. Give her some ideas and back away. Two servings of meat or eggs a day, three servings of grains a day, two of dairy, five or more of vegetables. One or two fruit. Ta Da. Walk. Away.. ..she's a big girl. It's her life.0
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Maybe instead of giving her a list of foods she should eat. Give her a list of the healthiest ways to prepare foods.
Bake, Broil, Raw, Saute. Avoid Frying, except for occasionally like once/month.
Tell her raw fruits and vegetables are always great choices.
When preparing her meals, they should be very colorful. Same goes when making a plate of food.
If she really needs it, there are plates you can purchase on ebay, that are sectioned off for "this many vegetables", "this much protein" and this much "carb/starch". So if she really does have a problem with language, this is pretty easy.0 -
I take your point, thanks, and agree.
But add into the mix that she's not a native English speaker, not tech-savvy, and has some culture-specific beliefs about what eating and food are about. Should have said, sorry!
That's tough but I still say tell her to count the calories and eat a balanced diet. The more straight forward it is then the more likely someone is going to be able to follow through with it; and by encouraging the easy fix you're only helping to set her up for the yo yo of dieting. If you don't mind sharing, what are the obstacles that you're up against as to her diet beliefs, etc?
I can't see her ever counting calories, but I could give her a couple of algorithms, as people have very helpfully suggested.
I can't really account for all her beliefs.. I know binary thinking's part of it, e.g., the 'never eat bread' dictum, which then collides with 'bread is comforting and homey'. Cured meats and cheese figure prominently on her table
And the thing is, if she took the time to learn, she COULD eat cured meats and cheese in moderation, and not feel deprived, gah.0 -
These are all really great ideas, guys, thank you. I'll try to work something out I could put on one sheet of paper. Really appreciate your help!0
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I'm in my later 50's and though it is true I may have come from a "diet mindset generation," I had to give that up in order to be successful--and she must do exactly the same. Don't buy in, or make excuses for the present state of her health or why she'll experience difficulty switching to a healthy lifestyle. Don't let her put "her monkey" on your back--it's not fair to you. She's obviously used many excuses throughout the decades as to why she's unhealthy and overweight; now she's adding you to the mix so she can find yet another excuse for her next failed attempt at dropping weigh and getting healthy. Firmly explain that she must change her attitude, drop the excuses and DO THE WORK required...then peel HER monkey off YOUR back and return it to its rightful owner...once she grasps that concept, you will be able to help her.0
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Thank you, boatsie77. It's good to hear from someone the same age who's made healthy changes
I know it's up to her, I just feel for her. She hasn't always been this big, it's only in the past five years that she's gained really a lot of weight. Prior to that, she'd worry about something like maybe 10 lbs. I think hormones are partly to do with it, as well as a big change in lifestyle (she's had to work longer hours than before, is tired more often, that sort of thing.) She is overwhelmed by a lot of things atm. That's part of it too.
I'm making her out to be awful, she's honestly great otherwise, just I think still trapped by that diet thinking, and kind of desperate.0 -
I take your point, thanks, and agree.
But add into the mix that she's not a native English speaker, not tech-savvy, and has some culture-specific beliefs about what eating and food are about. Should have said, sorry!
That's tough but I still say tell her to count the calories and eat a balanced diet. The more straight forward it is then the more likely someone is going to be able to follow through with it; and by encouraging the easy fix you're only helping to set her up for the yo yo of dieting. If you don't mind sharing, what are the obstacles that you're up against as to her diet beliefs, etc?
I can't see her ever counting calories, but I could give her a couple of algorithms, as people have very helpfully suggested.
I can't really account for all her beliefs.. I know binary thinking's part of it, e.g., the 'never eat bread' dictum, which then collides with 'bread is comforting and homey'. Cured meats and cheese figure prominently on her table
And the thing is, if she took the time to learn, she COULD eat cured meats and cheese in moderation, and not feel deprived, gah.
Those are definitely not insurmountable obstacles as far as food choices. Tell her she needs to count the calories and otherwise eat a balanced diet. Plenty of people eat cheese, cured meats, skip bread and are fine. Much of the world eats rice rather than bread. Just don't get lulled into the B.S.0 -
Those are definitely not insurmountable obstacles as far as food choices. Tell her she needs to count the calories and otherwise eat a balanced diet. Plenty of people eat cheese, cured meats, skip bread and are fine. Much of the world eats rice rather than bread. Just don't get lulled into the B.S.
I totally agree that counting calories would help tremendously with getting a grip on things, and give her more leeway than it seems she wants. Hmm. I'll see what I can do in that direction.
Agree with your other points as well. Thank you 0 -
Help her set up an account on mfp and then she can take time to know what she is putting in her mouth. Show her how to look for friends and then step back.0
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Why not direct her here?0
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Have you seen the My Plate thing that has replaced the Food Pyramid? Look it up, it's pretty nifty. It's just a little graphic thingy that shows you proportions for your fruits, vegetables, proteins, grains, and dairy. I think it's a good starting place for someone with limited knowledge of nutrition.
http://www.choosemyplate.gov/0 -
You can't help her and you're buying into her B.S. by trying. Tell her to count calories, eat a balanced diet and watch her macros, and then back away. If she asks again, repeat the above.
Sometimes tough love is necessary.
This ^^0 -
She sounds manipulative and attention-seeking. I don't have the patience or empathy to deal with people who aren't serious about fixing themselves and just want to suck everyone around them into their drama. She sounds like someone I know. You can only do so much for her - SHE has to put the work in to make real, meaningful changes. Good luck! :flowerforyou:0
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I think she should read or hear the success stories so that she knows she can do it too.0
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Retreat as fast as possible! She's setting it up so you can be blamed when she fails.0
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I can completely relate to this. Forget about trying to help. If you're having to convince her and drag her along, she's not really ready to do anything about being overweight. I've been doing this with my mom for ages to no avail.
I agree with the poster who said to "tell her to watch her calories and macros and get some exercise--repeat ad naseum" in so many words. That's really all you can do. Effort beyond that on your part will be wasted. Trying to get someone to lose weight who isn't ready is like trying to convince an alcoholic to quit drinking long before they've hit proverbial "rock bottom".0 -
If she isn't willing to make the changes and do the work herself, she won't change and it won't work. I also grew up in the midst of the "diet" mindset - my mother was always dieting and *gained* weight every year regardless. But when I got serious about losing weight a few years back I did it by learning about nutrition and calorie balance. Either she wants it enough to do it, or she just wants to sit there and talk about it. And yes she will blame you when it doesn't work out in the end.0
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Gotta log - no matter what plan you follow. But start with a super-simple approach for eating. She's got to clean out her cabinets (donate) all the junk she has. Then keep it simple. I like Amy's frozen meals for the lazy, wanna-be healthy folk. Pre-portioned at 300-400 calories they allow room for a little "cheating" and get you used to reasonable portion sizes. They have a lot of options, low sodium alternatives, and use lots of organic ingredients. They are available here at WalMart so they don't have to be cost-prohibative and you don't have to go to a health store to get them. Tell her to put a fruit and a bagged salad with her lunch and dinner, avoid all drinks but tea and water. You have to keep it short and sweet for the beginner. The majority of their meals are high in protein and fiber (fill you up, sustain you) and most are meat free. Many ethnic choices. No, I don't work for them but they make life simpler with you don't have time, education or energy to meal plan. Kinda like NutraSystem or Jenny Craig where they pre-portion for you but you don't have to mail order Amy's. Once she can stick with simple (log the food, open box, heat and eat) then proceed with all the other good ideas for cooking and exercise. 0
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Ay, sir, but “You can lead a horse to water—” The proverb is something musty.0
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don't bother, she doesn't sound serious or interested in it for real, i wouldn't waste my time. i don't have patience for people who bull**** and are lazy like that0
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Awwww, she's REALLY not that bad! I feel terrible for making her sound that way. She's cool, levelheaded, has a fantastic dry wit, never imposes on anyone - she's never asked me for help with anything, EVER, other than with this.
She's just misguided about reasonable weight loss strategies, a little stubborn and a lot overwhelmed.
MFP might be a hard sell, as her job's not in an office - no computer during the day - and she's only got a basic flip phone. At night, when she's exhausted, I think the very last thing she'd want to spend her time on is counting stuff.
(Seriously. The accessibility of MFP and other sites, smartphones etc make it simple enough for not-usually-obsessive people to be as obsessive as we have to be to count calories. I don't think I'd have lost 60 pounds counting if I were restricted to pen and paper.)
That's a great chart, chocl8girl, thank you I've got the url, and have printed it off.
And I'll point her to myplate, as well.
And katy84o, neglected to explicitly acknowledge your plate idea, which is great.0 -
Gotta log - no matter what plan you follow. But start with a super-simple approach for eating. She's got to clean out her cabinets (donate) all the junk she has. Then keep it simple. I like Amy's frozen meals for the lazy, wanna-be healthy folk. Pre-portioned at 300-400 calories they allow room for a little "cheating" and get you used to reasonable portion sizes. They have a lot of options, low sodium alternatives, and use lots of organic ingredients. They are available here at WalMart so they don't have to be cost-prohibative and you don't have to go to a health store to get them. Tell her to put a fruit and a bagged salad with her lunch and dinner, avoid all drinks but tea and water. You have to keep it short and sweet for the beginner. The majority of their meals are high in protein and fiber (fill you up, sustain you) and most are meat free. Many ethnic choices. No, I don't work for them but they make life simpler with you don't have time, education or energy to meal plan. Kinda like NutraSystem or Jenny Craig where they pre-portion for you but you don't have to mail order Amy's. Once she can stick with simple (log the food, open box, heat and eat) then proceed with all the other good ideas for cooking and exercise.
Hey, this is great too! Thanks!0
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