Relationship rant
Replies
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He should be more supportive but if you want to stay in this relationship, you will need to negotiate. For instance, why can't he fix meals 3 days a week and you fix meals 3 days a week. Crock pots are helpful for busy folks and your daughter also gets a healthy meal.
Does he have interests? If not, he should develop some. They don't have to be the gym, but it would be nice and show support on his part if he shared this interest with you. My husband skeet shoots, I don't shoot but I use that time to pursue my interests.
In any relationship, both parties need to feel they are important to the other party and they need to spend quality (not necessarily quantity) time together. So why not plan fun things for both of you to do together at least weekly.
Also, make a schedule of when you will be at the gym and make sure he knows that schedule and can plan activities for himself. If this relationship is going to survive both of you will need to compromise. But you should be able to pursue your dream without feeling guility, unless you are absolutely ignoring him, which I suspect is not the case.
Your challenge is finding time to pursue your dream, be a loving mother and companion and make both parts work. Without his support this is going to be darn difficult.
I was once in a dead end relationship (My frend called him an emotional vampire) and I finally came to the conclusion that I would never find Mr. Right, until I got rid of Mr. Wrong. It took a lot of emotional courage on my part, but after breaking up with Mr.Wrong, a year later I met my husband who turned out to be the best thing in the world for me.
Best wishes to you whatever you decide0 -
Sounds like he's not necessarily a bad guy, but maybe not the right guy for you. The sad part is that you have a daughter together and she is the one who is going to have a tough time whether you stay together unhappily or you go your separate ways.
What you are doing is very time consuming and creates a very restrictive lifestyle, diet wise I mean. You are asking him to make sacrifices to to accommodate your lifestyle. For your current relationship to work, you would both have to make compromises.
If you're not willing to make more time for him and he's not willing to accept your absence then no amount of counseling is going to make the two of you happy imo anyway0 -
You sound like you're getting really defensive about what people are saying which gives the impression that you already know what you want to do. You don't want to work on it anymore. You say he always gives up on everything (which I doubt because that's a gross exaggeration). If you are sick of it, then do what you're trying to convince yourself to do and leave. Having a daughter makes it more complicated, but you sound like you already have your decision made. Good luck.0
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What you allow is what will continue.
Focus on your happiness! He can get with it or get loss. Sounds like he's dead weight.0 -
just not meant to be together0
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we have a daughter together, and ive left him once before for being aggressive and controlling. but now all he does is whine, act jealous, and apparently im cheating on him!
Sounds like a lot more complicated than your first post, I'm sorry, I took it the wrong way, the way I read it was that you were at the gym doing what makes you happy and he was home waiting around for you to spend some time with him.
Might be a good time to seek some counselling to get to the root of the problems then make your decisions from there.0 -
Time to move on but don't put all your time on yourself. Definately have a plan for time. Don't give up your dreams but also make sure you take time for your daughter. It is harder when you are single, so figure out what you need to do. Don't stay with somebody just because you feel you have to. Nobodyhas the right to control you. It sounds like you have already changed your life. Looks like it is time to have a talk with your family so they can help guide you on the right path.0
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google narcissism and see if that's his problem. Sure its normal to want to spend time with his woman but to make you feel guilty about him being too lazy to make his own food smacks of narcissism to me. Speaking from personal experience0
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been and dne with counselling, i think ive given him enoug chances. i was happier with just me and blake.
You need to do what you need to do, and it sounds like he's not understanding at all, or even willing to understand, from your point of view. My man is more than happy to help give me ideas to work out, and even encourages me to work out, even if it takes time from him when he knows it's something I really want. Whoever your partner is, should understand what you desire, and be happy to encourage it.0 -
I agree with most of the others, but you said that he is CONTROLLING...that is a signal for me.....that he may become abusive in the future...I would get away from him....I went thru these type of relationships...they were basically ok, till marriage then all Heck broke loose....I have been hit, strangled, pushed, been sat on..LOL, been thru 3 marriages, all were the same.... had children too, the kids were much happier after I left...I have been divorced now for 30 years, and I will say that it has been hard...but my kids are grown (they went and spent some time with their dad after they turned 18, and decided on their own that they really didn't like him) when I left, he said I'd never make it on my own...LOL I have a good job, with a skill, same job 15 years, I am a homeowner
actually my first child was abducted by their father when she was 4 and while she was visiting him, at age 5 (she has told me) he started molesting her (she got out of that house at 18, which is when I was able to reconnect with her) ...she now lives out of the country and when visiting the US refuses to go anywhere near him....
LIFE JUST ISN'T WORTH IT TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT, and if you don't have a job, then the GOV can help you...any adult (low income) with children can get assisstance....I know, I am a biller...and I deal mostly with Medicaid
as for relationships, after my divorce.. I didn't have much luck with that because in those days men just didn't want a "ready-made family" it was lonely, but you learn to adapt...untill you find the right one, who will accept you as you are...my current boyfriend and I have been together now 13 years and he supports me in everything I do...he is older than me, tho...so has age in his favor....(he will be 80 in Feb, I will be 61 in Mar)...I took a while to find him, but it is worth the wait...GOOD LUCK TO YOU, please be careful if you stay with him...0 -
Sounds like you need to find someone more supportive of your goals.0
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You are too young to be in a relationship. Go to school, get a degree.!!!!!!!!! Talk to your parents. Don't settle. Move on. Take care of your daughter, get a Degree. Check out Physical Therapists or Occupational Therapists. You can become a fitness trainer with one of those degrees and get paid well. At 19 focus on your daughter and school. You should be able to get Pell Grants, help with Child Care. Trust me go to school while you are young. At 19 you shouldn't tie yourself down.0
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Your mistake is trying to change a man0
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^ thisWhoa whoa whoa. You want her to give up on her dreams for a man who DOESN'T support her aspirations, who is too lazy to make his own meals and basically wants her to take care of him like she is his mother.
Screw that.
Break up with him or let him know that he needs to really take a good look at his attitude or he's going to lose you.0 -
My partner and I don't have similar interests. I am passionate about softball and he loves his motor sports. I've gone to motor sports where his friends are involved, but when it's on TV I leave the room. He hasn't been to see me play (though he's been told he needs to see at least one game this season) S we found something we enjoy doing together. We walk/run most nights. I still go to the gym for my stuff and softball stuff (and he does complain about that) but I also encourage him to keep his own interests.
If he's stopping you from doing what you love and won't find something that he loves, then I don't think much can be changed. Yes you need to make some sacrifices but not all of them!0 -
You are too young to be in a relationship. Go to school, get a degree.!!!!!!!!! Talk to your parents. Don't settle. Move on. Take care of your daughter, get a Degree. Check out Physical Therapists or Occupational Therapists. You can become a fitness trainer with one of those degrees and get paid well. At 19 focus on your daughter and school. You should be able to get Pell Grants, help with Child Care. Trust me go to school while you are young. At 19 you shouldn't tie yourself down.
currently studyng certificates three and four of fitness. im very independent. thats half the problem here.0 -
I agree with most of the others, but you said that he is CONTROLLING...that is a signal for me.....that he may become abusive in the future...I would get away from him....I went thru these type of relationships...they were basically ok, till marriage then all Heck broke loose....I have been hit, strangled, pushed, been sat on..LOL, been thru 3 marriages, all were the same.... had children too, the kids were much happier after I left...I have been divorced now for 30 years, and I will say that it has been hard...but my kids are grown (they went and spent some time with their dad after they turned 18, and decided on their own that they really didn't like him) when I left, he said I'd never make it on my own...LOL I have a good job, with a skill, same job 15 years, I am a homeowner
actually my first child was abducted by their father when she was 4 and while she was visiting him, at age 5 (she has told me) he started molesting her (she got out of that house at 18, which is when I was able to reconnect with her) ...she now lives out of the country and when visiting the US refuses to go anywhere near him....
LIFE JUST ISN'T WORTH IT TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT, and if you don't have a job, then the GOV can help you...any adult (low income) with children can get assisstance....I know, I am a biller...and I deal mostly with Medicaid
as for relationships, after my divorce.. I didn't have much luck with that because in those days men just didn't want a "ready-made family" it was lonely, but you learn to adapt...untill you find the right one, who will accept you as you are...my current boyfriend and I have been together now 13 years and he supports me in everything I do...he is older than me, tho...so has age in his favor....(he will be 80 in Feb, I will be 61 in Mar)...I took a while to find him, but it is worth the wait...GOOD LUCK TO YOU, please be careful if you stay with him...
he used to be controlling and abusive. he knows i dnt take that **** so now he whines0 -
No need to attack her boyfriend like some of the people on here are doing.
It's simple: They are clearly going in different directions in their lives. Just because people think his direction is wrong does not give them the right to talk down on him. The solution is for her and him to separate. If it is truly meant to be then something will change.0 -
I agree with most of the others, but you said that he is CONTROLLING...that is a signal for me.....that he may become abusive in the future...I would get away from him....I went thru these type of relationships...they were basically ok, till marriage then all Heck broke loose....I have been hit, strangled, pushed, been sat on..LOL, been thru 3 marriages, all were the same.... had children too, the kids were much happier after I left...I have been divorced now for 30 years, and I will say that it has been hard...but my kids are grown (they went and spent some time with their dad after they turned 18, and decided on their own that they really didn't like him) when I left, he said I'd never make it on my own...LOL I have a good job, with a skill, same job 15 years, I am a homeowner
actually my first child was abducted by their father when she was 4 and while she was visiting him, at age 5 (she has told me) he started molesting her (she got out of that house at 18, which is when I was able to reconnect with her) ...she now lives out of the country and when visiting the US refuses to go anywhere near him....
LIFE JUST ISN'T WORTH IT TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT, and if you don't have a job, then the GOV can help you...any adult (low income) with children can get assisstance....I know, I am a biller...and I deal mostly with Medicaid
as for relationships, after my divorce.. I didn't have much luck with that because in those days men just didn't want a "ready-made family" it was lonely, but you learn to adapt...untill you find the right one, who will accept you as you are...my current boyfriend and I have been together now 13 years and he supports me in everything I do...he is older than me, tho...so has age in his favor....(he will be 80 in Feb, I will be 61 in Mar)...I took a while to find him, but it is worth the wait...GOOD LUCK TO YOU, please be careful if you stay with him...
he used to be controlling and abusive. he knows i dnt take that **** so now he whines
That being said... the relationship definitely sounds corrosive and the two of you should end the madness.0 -
been and dne with counselling, i think ive given him enoug chances. i was happier with just me and blake.
You already know what you have to do. Good luck with everything!
^^^ This!!!
Seriously!0 -
Is he whining about not spending enough time with HIM or not spending enough time with YOUR CHILD?
He's an adult. He should be able to understand that some things are important to you and that he may have to give things up for that. Your child, however, is probably not capable of understanding or accepting that.
Your child ages more and more everyday, you don't want to miss that. That jerk-sounding fiancee of yours will probably be nagging you for years to come if you don't get rid of him now. BUT, the gym will always be around in one form or another.
Try making workouts a family activity? Zumba with kids is a lot of fun, lots of laughs.0 -
:huh: you do sound selfish, sounds like he's wanting the middle ground and you want it all your way. As the other member shared, the gym will always be there, your family may not., he always accusing me of being selfish and caring nly about what. want to do.damn crappy crap crap... rant over... for now. thanks for listening
It's time to compromise if you want to be in a healthy relationship...
EDIT: oh! you're 19? Well that explains a lot in regards to this post.. At 19 most of us were pretty selfish and it was all about us, that's what it sounds like. Time to grow up and learn that relationships and life in general take compromise to work, that's simply how life is!0 -
Or maybe he's pissed because HE has to watch your child while you're at the gym or competitions. I understand that the kid belongs to both of you, but you sound like you're always busy with school and training and I'm assuming you also work because you stated that you're very independent. Maybe he wants to spend time as a family, ALL TOGETHER! Who cooks for the child when you're away training? Who changes diapers or deals with potty training? Who has to be there every time she falls down and has a boo boo?
I'm not saying that this is the reason for all of his whining or that you should forgive him, but instead of snapping at him or asking all of us for advice, maybe try getting to the bottom of things. If he's truly being selfish, get rid of him. If he's concerned for the emotional health of your child... well, that's another story...0 -
Regret can make love fade.If you love him, make time for him. The gym will always be there....he may not.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
THIS. No need to disparage against the man.No need to attack her boyfriend like some of the people on here are doing.
It's simple: They are clearly going in different directions in their lives. Just because people think his direction is wrong does not give them the right to talk down on him. The solution is for her and him to separate. If it is truly meant to be then something will change.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Or maybe he's pissed because HE has to watch your child while you're at the gym or competitions. I understand that the kid belongs to both of you, but you sound like you're always busy with school and training and I'm assuming you also work because you stated that you're very independent. Maybe he wants to spend time as a family, ALL TOGETHER! Who cooks for the child when you're away training? Who changes diapers or deals with potty training? Who has to be there every time she falls down and has a boo boo?
Is his child. Ill bet good money that she does the majority of the childcare. If he whines about everything and won't stick to something, I doubt he's the one doing the majority of the child raising.0 -
Whoa whoa whoa. You want her to give up on her dreams for a man who DOESN'T support her aspirations, who is too lazy to make his own meals and basically wants her to take care of him like she is his mother.
Screw that.
Break up with him or let him know that he needs to really take a good look at his attitude or he's going to lose you.
^^^DINGDINGDING!!0 -
hes my fiance, not too late.What are you doing with this guy? Does being with him actually improve your life? Partners should be supportive of your goals and dreams; if they're not there to encourage you, who will be?
If he's just a boyfriend, I'd say you should break up with him. You've already tried talking about it with him, and he's not getting any better. Sometimes people outgrow each other. Good for you for striving for your goals and dreams. I'm sorry that he can't keep up.
If he's your husband, then it's time for him to shape up. If your serious, private conversations aren't bearing any fruit, then counseling is an option. His nagging may seem like a little thing, but it can really wear you down over time (I'm sure you already know this).
he's your fiance, not your husband..
no papers are signed yet..
unless, your making excuses and things really arnt that bad..
but honestly,if you have a child together, think about whats best for the child.
no need to be arguing all the time, even if you think there not around or listening, they are!
if its really that bad, sit down,talk to him. figure *kitten* out!!
think about it if you guys cant comprimise now,what makes you think you'll be able to comprimise in a marriage?0 -
I would say counselling, that and making time for each other specifically when you don't have the gym. How many times a week do you have off from the gym, and do you ever do "date nights" with him? Maybe you could set aside 1 or 2 evenings a week for just you 2. Either go out somewhere together if you can get someone to help look after your daughter, or a meal in together after she's gone to sleep? If he doesn't want to make the gym a priority for him, then that's fine and it's his decision. Your relationship can involve lots of other areas that you both can enjoy.
I don't think you should give up or cut down on the gym for him, as any decent partner will fully support what you do. It's worrying that you've already left him before for being controlling etc, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all if I'm honest. If it doesn't improve soon I'd start thinking about moving on without him. You may have a daughter together, and he'll always be a part of yours and her life, but just not romantically. It will be better for her, to grow up in an environment where one parent isn't controlling the other.0 -
You have your whole life ahead of you. I'm not going to insult the guy, but leave him and be done with it.0
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