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Adult family member wants to be spoon fed
Replies
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If she isn't tech savvy then perhaps she could try a calorie counting journal. I've seen them at Target; they are pretty compact. That way instead of needing a smart phone to log into MFP, she could just pull her journal out of her purse while she is on the go and record what she is eating and track her calories and macros that way.0
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Retreat as fast as possible! She's setting it up so you can be blamed when she fails.
AGREE!!0 -
Retreat as fast as possible! She's setting it up so you can be blamed when she fails.
AGREE!!
Lol, no no, not at all, I promise. She just doesn't think that way.
My concern is that she'll blame herself for failing again, and find herself discouraged. Seriously, that's where disappointment will go.
PS - it's not my mom, if that's where people are coming from. There aren't those kinds of dynamics happening here.0 -
If she isn't tech savvy then perhaps she could try a calorie counting journal. I've seen them at Target; they are pretty compact. That way instead of needing a smart phone to log into MFP, she could just pull her journal out of her purse while she is on the go and record what she is eating and track her calories and macros that way.
I'll put it to her, thank you
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Oooh, I get why people are taking her as a manipulative person. I said I'd need to be 'emotionally persuasive'. It's not that she needs that particularly - except I'm fighting however many years of brainwashing - it's just that I suck at being persuasive.
I like facts & argument and respond to them, and am not great at conveying ideas in a simple, motivating way for people with no time. That's what I meant, sorry.
(That and my thread title.)0 -
worry about yourself, don't make yourself feel responsible for someone you are not. They have to make the choice to be responsible for themselves. and to be completely honest you will just enable them to keep up their habits by spoon feeding them. If they want you to do the work for them then they do not have the skills, motivation or will power to suceed.0
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If they want you to do the work for them then they do not have the skills, motivation or will power to suceed.
I guess you're right about all that. She's not sufficiently prepared, and doesn't have the knowledge.
I'll be glad if I can help her make a little bit of progress in terms of knowledge.0 -
Thank you, boatsie77. It's good to hear from someone the same age who's made healthy changes
I know it's up to her, I just feel for her. She hasn't always been this big, it's only in the past five years that she's gained really a lot of weight. Prior to that, she'd worry about something like maybe 10 lbs. I think hormones are partly to do with it, as well as a big change in lifestyle (she's had to work longer hours than before, is tired more often, that sort of thing.) She is overwhelmed by a lot of things atm. That's part of it too.
I'm making her out to be awful, she's honestly great otherwise, just I think still trapped by that diet thinking, and kind of desperate.
Well, there are a lot of us in that age range, actually. There's a lot more good information that's more readily accessible these days and it makes a difference in what you know and can easily learn more about.
If she's not one to read on the computer in order to learn more, why don't you recommend a book or two with good, solid information for her to read up on? (Sorry, I can't help with recommendations as I've learned most of what I know is good stuff from various websites, here and others.)0 -
You can't help her and you're buying into her B.S. by trying. Tell her to count calories, eat a balanced diet and watch her macros, and then back away. If she asks again, repeat the above.
Sometimes tough love is necessary.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This
I completely agree with this. There's no other way. Tell her if she wants to be healthy and fit, she has to want it bad. She wants an easy way out? She doesn't want it bad enough. She doesn't want to take the time to learn for herself? She doesn't want it bad enough. You can't help people who don't want to be helped (in this case, someone who refuses to accept the only advice that will actually get her to where she wants to be). By all means, show her some creative recipes. just say flat out "this is not a diet. this is the rest of your life. if you're not willing to commit, it's not worth my time to try to fix you." I understand this may be tough, but sometimes people need tough love. Does she want to be fat, unhealthy, and sad forever? or does she want to do something about it? nobody can make this choice but her, and if she doesn't want to change then DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME!!
Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
you can't save someone else, whatever their problem... trust me, I've tried. It's the same with alcoholics, drug addicts etc.... they may say they wanna be clean/sober and you can drag them to meetings, encourage them.... sit for hours listening, talking with them but unless they decide, unless they choose... it will NEVER happen. Please don't stress yourself out writing lists and whatever... if she really wanted to lose weight she would write her own damn list
rant over :-)0 -
I've got a family member in her 50s who's fed up with being overweight. She's got a 'diet' mindset, I think because of her generation.
She wants me to give her a list of foods to eat, and isn't interested in learning more about nutrition. Certainly not in counting calories.
I'd like her to learn enough so she can make reasonable choices. Because A, I don't even know what foods she *really* likes. (She won't even spend the time to tell me this much.) I do know a few she hates.
And B, say I give her foods 1-20. Say she doesn't like half of them, and decides to fry the other half, and make a little substitution that's 'probably' ok, and fails at losing weight despite 'making an effort'. I don't want her to have the memory of another failure, as I know this will be demotivating. I want her to succeed.
I don't always have a lot of patience for the kind of emotional persuasion I think would be required to pull her into better habits, and I'm not sure I should even try - won't work anyway if she's not up for it.
So how can I help her? Any book recommendations? Would be great if it were super user friendly, covered food prep, didn't exclude any particular food, etc etc.
I've tried to explain things verbally, but she's not bothered about listening for very long. To be fair, I've been a bit too detailed, probably, and can be kind of preachy when pressed like that.
Judging by her actions (not her words) she has no genuine interest in losing weight. Next time she brings up her weight loss change the subject.0 -
It sounds like she's trying to make it your responsibility so when she fails again she can blame you.0
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I am 54, and in 2012 my whole attitude and mindset changed (starting on Christmas Eve 2011). I lost 45 pounds and now weigh less than I did my freshman year in college.
I highly recommend her being on my fitness pal, seeing the "over 50" groups and people who blog, and helping her figure out what is best for her. For me, it was find the right books and success stories - many available in other languages..here is my short list - all have books/dvd's/websits
"The Menopause Makeover"
"Ballet Beautiful"
'Barre3"
And instead of telling her what to eat, try taking her for a walk or to a intro to yoga class. The exercise will release those things in her brain that will make her feel positive. The worse thing I did in all prior years was not log my calories and activity.0 -
I was the same to start with. I found, and still find, michelle bridges crunchtime and no excuses cookbooks to be helpful. They r tasty and filling. She puts a plan together and does all the work for you0
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family member in her 50s who's fed up with being overweight.
Nahhh, she isn't. If she was, she'd be more willing to listen to you.
There are a few things she can do which may help (low carbing, drinking more water, getting more sleep, doing more exercise, eating more healthily etc) but it'll be a slow, arduous process as you may end up undereating or overeating calories.0 -
I would tell her to start by keeping a journal and writing down everything she eats and drinks for the entire month of January. Dont have her change anything just write it all down, and have her weigh herself on Jan 1st and Feb 1st. Then you can sit down with the information and come up with some recommendations. It will take some effort but she has to do her part first- so if the journal goes away in three days then it means she wasn't committed enough to follow through with it anyway.
Edit to add she would also need to count weigh or measure everything to be accurate.0 -
Trying to lose around menopause can be difficult . Suggest she buy the bulk of her food at the perimeter of the store. LOw fat and no sugar add to anything she buys in the middle of the store..hope this helps.0
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One thing my dietician did on our first meeting was directing me to MyPlate site, by the USFDA. It's a good place to start, and since i assume she won't be doing any extra exercise it's not like it will make her eat too little calories. She gave me recommendations based on what the MyPlate guide says along with tips and i could design my own plan based on that.
If you're feeling extra helpful, you can print some of the stuff for her.
Of course she needs to learn a lot and adapt her nutrition knowledge to her calorie expenditure, but as you say, she's not willing totry.
At least the site is free, it's the new version of the food pyramid.
I sense at what she wants is a formula proven to work, so she wants to do exactly what you did to lose weight.
She should get out of the couch and go to a professional dietician and start a personalised fitness program according to her fitness level.
You just can't give her a list of meals and foods because you're not a dietician. Of course she needs to have her correct BMR calculated, her TDEE, her calorie deficit adapted to her and her age and daily activities, the quality of the food has to be adapted to her health status and latest lab tests, and so on.
Another thing you can tell her if she really won't go to a dietician is to come to MFP and get advice from many of us. That way the responsability and the huge task of giving her all the advice she needs won't rely solely on you.
If she gets anemia because of the advice you give to her for instance... She'll blame you and your plan and that wouldn't be fair to you.
Also, women her age have menopause, are prone to thyroid problems and should take future osteoporosis seriously. So she needs to pay a visit to her GP and get lab tests done.
The best next advice i would give to her:
Ditch fad dieting
Go for a walk for 45 minutes 5 days a week
Eat meals from scratch
Throw away any electric fryer and frying pan
Eat low GI carbs
Take whatever supplements her GP tells her to take.
Good luck!0 -
Some great advice in this thread. The paper journal thing is probably good. I've spent time explaining calorie equivalents xx chocolate = yy bread = zz apples to one of my daughters. You can try that too.
As to English not being her native language. Well, this can be an issue but don't short sell us. What does she speak first? The MFP interface is not a language barrier thing, iris a time and complication thing. Too many food choices with bad values. It does have user uptake curve but if you get over that hump it can be used by non-English native users like my daughters.
I have a doodle of people from 10-20 countries on my friends list, English might be a reasonable or just a weak excuse.0 -
This person you describe is the person for whom weight watchers was created. She is their specialty. Let them get her started.
Then, in a few months, offer her the simplicity of this program and no points conversions. She may or may not bite.0 -
People will only do what they are ready for. You can't fix people that want to remain ignorant. Haha my mom is even here eating Jenny Craig boxes twice a day. Same "diet" mentality. I got smart but she never did. Everyone is on their own journey. Give her some tools and that is all you can do. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make make them drink.0
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Yes, I would recommend WW or TOPs. Both places will help her learn about nutrition. Maybe TOPS not so much but a lot of older people go there (I am in TOPS for the support and the scale).
Good Luck!0 -
I am 54, and in 2012 my whole attitude and mindset changed (starting on Christmas Eve 2011). I lost 45 pounds and now weigh less than I did my freshman year in college.
I highly recommend her being on my fitness pal, seeing the "over 50" groups and people who blog, and helping her figure out what is best for her. For me, it was find the right books and success stories - many available in other languages..here is my short list - all have books/dvd's/websits
"The Menopause Makeover"
"Ballet Beautiful"
'Barre3"
And instead of telling her what to eat, try taking her for a walk or to a intro to yoga class. The exercise will release those things in her brain that will make her feel positive. The worse thing I did in all prior years was not log my calories and activity.
"The Menopause Makeover". This isn't my thread, but I'm going to jump on your advice and find that book.0 -
She may also do well finding an exercise partner. With her low level of motivation, I'm guessing she also doesn't exercise regularly. That's another hurdle to get her over. But many non-exercisers do better with a partner. Even if it's just a neighbor that she meets for a morning walk around the block a few days a week. Know that there is someone who is expecting you to show up on time can be more of a motivator than just knowing it's something you 'should do'. And maybe that way, she'll also end up having conversations with that friend about both of their health concerns and food habits. Sharing stories with others gives you new ideas and keeps you on track (that's what we're all doing here in the message boards).0
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I am at the tail end of the 50s. I've lost 100 lbs since 2004, with no weight gain and many plateaus, approximately 10 pounds away from "normal" weight. My dr. started me toward weight loss forcefully but gently showing me a graph of my weight gain over a ten year period, where I was on the scale of obsesity and where I would be if my trend continued to go upward. He said he wanted to see the graph line start going down every year. He referred me to a nutritionist. We started tackling my weight issues one bad habit at a time. In the last four years or so I have added exercise into the mix (cardio, weightbearing, flexibility, balance and relaxation). About two years ago I joined this site under a different user name to add the diary aspect to my regimen. It has been a very slow habit changing process, but as I enter my 60(s), I am healthier than I was in my 30(s) and 40(s) and have been much better able to tackle the surprises that our bodies bring to us as we age.
My recommendation, if you want to help your relative, encourage her to see a trained medical professional. She is probably is not ready for your help or even the help of this site yet. But she can be!0 -
Yes this^ very well saidYou can't help her and you're buying into her B.S. by trying. Tell her to count calories, eat a balanced diet and watch her macros, and then back away. If she asks again, repeat the above.
Sometimes tough love is necessary.0 -
There's lots of great advice here and I agree with the other posters that you've got almost insurmountable obstacles at the moment that make success highly unlikely. What I might try (before I completely gave up) is to kindle her motivation a bit. What does she love to do in life and wouldn't she like to keep doing it? Does she have a friend or family member that is suffering or died prematurely because of poor diet and exercise choices? The blunt reality is if you don't take care of your health you are playing Russian roulette with a whole slew of nasty diseases and afflictions.
And here's an additional motivator for me. Not everyone dies prematurely because they failed to take care of their health. Often the health related impacts of poor lifestyle choices make a person dependent on others for their care. Is that what she wants? A stroke that makes her dependent on other people and unable to do the things she loves? That's a HUGE motivator for me. I will not run the risk of burdening my daughter with caring for me because I failed to take care of myself, if I can at all help it.
But again, she may have blinders on and is happily in denial about her health risks. Many people are. A person does have to be ready to lose weight and when they aren't there's not much we can do. But you are great for trying!0 -
Have you seen the My Plate thing that has replaced the Food Pyramid? Look it up, it's pretty nifty. It's just a little graphic thingy that shows you proportions for your fruits, vegetables, proteins, grains, and dairy. I think it's a good starting place for someone with limited knowledge of nutrition.
http://www.choosemyplate.gov/
I was just thinking the same thing. Another idea I saw was a child who set up a way for kids to get the idea of potion control by using muffin tins. Each compartment represents a different food type and you only eat what fits in that compartment. Don't forget that of those 6 compartments one is for your bottle of water. It would be a start for someone who doesn't understand portion control. Maybe mark each compartment? Just a thought.0 -
"She's got a 'diet' mindset, I think because of her generation." Ouch. 51 here, grasshopper. Now I gotta go find my walker... think I left it near my Depends...
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Wow, so many wonderfully helpful responses here, thanks so much everyone!
WW might be the ticket!
Thanks 0
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