Today i'm sad, holding in the tears as much as possible. :(
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This is well said ^Parents are afraid for their gay children. Things were worse when your mom was your age. She's worried about discrimination, ignorance against you and all sorts of potential problems. Also, parents have dreams for their children from the time they find out about the pregnancy. Reality isn't matching up. She's in withdrawl. It's not necessarily against you. She has a lot to process. Look at how much trouble Cher has talking about Chaz and she's very cool. Keep being you. Mom will come around. In the meantime, seek out support from other sources, including moms of friends. My kids have gay friends and I love them to pieces.
OP I think it is very unfair and (sorry to say) selfish of your mother (because it is possible she is making it about her instead of supporting you. ) Many hugs to you darling.0 -
Thank you everyone for the advice & hugs & love! Glad to know that I have a strong supportive team here not just for my WL journey but as well as my life journey! You guys are amazing and I was soooooo nervous to post anything about this but I had a burden on my heart and I had to let it out. Thanks for listening & I def will try most of the advice you all have given me! I'm proud to say you guys are like MFP Fam
Much Love
Meaghan
xoxox0 -
Damn, that's terrible. A lot of us have difficult relationships with a/our parent(s) for a lot of reasons. Good luck.
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There are things we don't know about this, that might help.
How did the conversation go? How did she react? How did you react to her reaction? Why might your mom not be okay with homosexuality? Is she a religious person?
It could be that she feels like you're avoiding her. When my brother moved in with his gf, we found out from the shared answering machine. In our family, that's taboo. From our perspective, we gave him space. He's still distant years later. We did try to reach out for him at first, but he ignored us, so it is a bit different.
I think that after 5 years, it's time to try to communicate with her. Let her know you love and want a relationship with her. I also think you need to let her know it's safe for her to express any negative response she may have. She needs to be comfortable asking her questions and sharing her concerns with you. If she tries and you get upset, you can't really blame her for being distant. You both need to be able to talk about things unconditionally.
I think most straight people, esp. those of us who believe homosexuality is sinful, are afraid to share our views because there has been so much hostility shown toward those who believe that way from the homosexual community. I've had good working relationships with homosexuals and believe in respecting them no matter my views. That doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to tell them honestly how I feel about their lifestyle if they're close enough or the subject comes up.0 -
^^ Thank you for your helpful and not-at-all ignorant post.0
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I am really sorry you are going through this. I believe your mom is grieving for the you that she thought you would become. To be honest as a mom myself with a daughter, we as mothers dream about our daughters one day marrying a man that will treat her right, helping her to pick out her wedding dress, being there for her as she has kids of her own. She is grieving the loss of all that because now she realizes all of that is just a dream that may never become reality. Parents want the very best for their children. They don't want to think about their children facing discrimination and hardships. In an odd way, I think she is pushing you away because she loves you so much. But at the end of the day love should ALWAYS be unconditional, especially the love between a mother and her child. Hopefully, one day she will come around and see how much time she has wasted with you and love you as you are. I wish you the best.0
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I am so sorry to hear that your mother has reacted with distance to your being honest with her. I hope that you find a path to a better relationship with her. And I also hope that you have found or find surrogate family who you can have a much more straightforward relationship with. Various instances of family disintegration (due to divorce, death, disagreement) in my own life have led me to find some really, truly wonderful people who accept and love me for who I am, no justifications, no judgements.
And by the way, you aren't sinful. Not even slightly.0 -
I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this, but beautiful.. you are never never alone. When I brought home my first girlfriend my mother refused to acknowledge our relationship, calling her my friend even after almost a year together.
Parents .. especially moms I think... really do have to go through a whole grieving process and come around to the realization that nothing has changed. Parents still like to blame themselves, like it's something to be prevented, or something wrong just because it's different than what they're used to. They have to grieve their perception of normality.. They have to grieve the nuclear family that you could have had.. And as all steps of grieving they go through denial.. refusing to believe that you aren't just doing this for attention, anger... that this isn't what they were expecting or how they raised you, bargaining.. why is this happening to me.. what can I do to change this, what can I give to make you feel differently?, depression.. and acceptance.... whether they agree or not with your life. All of that.. has less to do with you than you may think.. and unfortunately until she's ready (however long that may take) she may not be emotionally capable of carrying on an adult relationship with you.
So send your Christmas cards and letters to her, but don't do it for her.. do it for your own heart. Send her those gentle reminders that you're the same person, only... the same person being honest and trusting her.. and know in your own heart that you are strong and doing everything that you can one day at a time.0 -
I'm so sorry your mom is having a hard time with it. I'm proud of you! I wish there were something I could do to make it easier for you. How is your father dealing with it? Are your parents still together?
Maybe there's a book out there (for a gift) for your mom, to explain to her you're still who you are.
Hugs!!:flowerforyou:0 -
I have no helpful advice...
I would still love the hell out of either of my boys if they told me they were gay, and support them to the fullest. Nothing would ever change that.
I want to hug you right now....
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Wish I could hug you!!!0
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I am not a parent, but if I was, I wouldn't care what sexuality my child was, as long as they were happy. Her reaction baffles me.
To be honest, I think you need to tackle this head on and just be straight with her (excuse the pun). Ask her if you can meet in a neutral place and talk, and let both of you express your feelings.
At the end of the day, worst case scenario is she walks away, but at least you know where you stand.0 -
Aww, I am so sad for you. As everyone has said, talk to her, tell her how you feel for you. Gigantic hugs. xxx0
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I'm so sorry you are going through this, my youngest sister just came out to us last week and I saw how difficult it was for her even though we all accepted it no questions asked. In her words we are "the most boring family ever" it was the biggest non event ever for her! She had herself all worked up that we were going to be a bit hostile or maybe dislike the idea, when my mothers response was, "Do you want to bring your girlfriend for Christmas dinner?"I can't understand how sexual orientation can affect any mothers love or relationship with her child. My thoughts are with you. (Hugs)0
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Send your Mom a letter or a card telling her how much you miss her and you together. Ask her what she needs from you to make it easier for her and let her know how much you miss her and how lonely you feel without her participating in your life. Ask her for a hug and tell her how much you love her. Our paths in life aren't always what parents dream for their children, but parents come around, some need more time than others but in the end that's all we have....family! .....HUG!!!!
P.S.
talk to your friends about it, they will help you through this lonely time.
Absolutely! This is the advice I would give also. When my daughter was a teenager, she and I had some rough times. One day I wrote her a letter, telling her how much I missed my little girl, describing some of the wonderful times we had once had. I didn't talk about our differences, simply expressed my longing for old times and being her mother. I didn't expect anything to happen because of that letter. But something did happen. She wrote back. It wad the start of a long discussion between us - all via letter, even though we were living in the same house. Now I don't even remember the cause of our falling out. But my daughter and I are very close.
Write your mother a letter. Tell her your longing for old times. Don't ask her for anything, don't ask her to try to understand you. Just remind her of one or two happy times with her. I'm betting she wants her little girl back, but doesn't realize realize that little girl is still there.
A letter is the best Christmas present you could give her. Tie it in a big bow.0 -
So sorry for your pain stay strong, let your friends know what's going on.
Feel free to come to us as well when you need a shoulder.
you aren't alone.....hugs.0 -
Here's the story, when I was 17 , a freshman in college I came out to my parents. Meaning that I told them that I was a lesbian around this same time of year.Ever since I have came out to her , our relationship has gone way down hill, too the point were we don't even have conversation, it's just hi and bye how are you talk. I'm 22 now, and nothing has changed. That's my mother, and it really hurts. I've tried to talk to her, but nothing seems to help the relationship get better, so I just backed off and let her have her space and im allowing her to come to me. I was out christmas shopping with some friends and they were buying gifts for their family and loved ones and my friend asked me " what are you getting you mom for christmas?" I had to fake it and say , " I don't know what she wants, maybe a necklace". , knowing that I was lying, I didn't want to break down in the middle of the store and look like a punk when all spirits are high and merry.
I just wish that there was something I could do to allow her to understand that I'm still her little happy, bubbly, jolly, laughing, sweetest nina she knew before I came out, I just like women. I feel as though I have no support, I just do things by myself. & I would like to have that support.
:frown: :frown: :frown: :brokenheart: :sad:
I'm so sorry for your hurt. This is the absolute hardest day of the year for me too. My mom and I had a horrible relationship - complete with her trying to kill me on Christmas Eve when I was 18... and marrying my boyfriend and and and and (insert tons of terrible acts here). Yeah - it sucks. But I can promise you that in the 20 years hence, it did get better. It took a LOT of work, it took a lot of tears and anger and heartbreak.
I actually only saw my mom twice in almost 15 years - until I was forced into having to take care of her two years ago when her partner died on New Year's Day. She passed away a month ago, and I'm so glad I had those two years with her, even after everything we went through. Honey - you are her babygirl, and always will be. She will come around, but it will take time and it will take a lot of work on your part.
What is most important is that you stay true to yourself and put your future and your heart first. She will see it and she'll see how happy you are and that you still love her like you always have. And know that she will always love you. *HUG* I know it's so hard, especially this time of year, I hate the holidays with a blood red passion because of all the bad things, but I love my family all that much more and so I try to make the best of it, for them and eventually for me.
I wish you all the very best and may you have a beautiful Christmas surrounded by those who love you.0 -
Aww, hon, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are beautiful and perfect just the way you are, and it's a shame that people chose to miss out on that just because they aren't able to accept just one facet of who you are, or because you didn't live up to the expectations of you they had inside their own heads.
I really hope that there can be a happy resolution to this, for all of you, and that you can move forward together in healing. I like the idea of the letter, even if she is unable to hear it right now, maybe just having it there will help her come to an understanding.
For me, I don't understand this reaction at all. As you said, you are still the same person you always were. If one of my sons came out to me, all I'd want to know is when I get to meet their boyfriends, and will there be grandchildren in it one day for me. lol.
Hang in there, you are strong, lovely, and exactly who you should be. 0 -
She probably misses you as much as you miss her (maybe even more), so I say try to get the dialog started with her however you best see fit. Discussion, letter, email... Whatever you think will do the trick. I feel like five years is plenty of time for her to get used to the idea.0
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I know it's hard - I watched my older sister have her relationship with mom change. Mom did finally come around (it took awhile), but she did.
Just keep doing what you are doing - live your life the way you want, and love her the way you always have. Continue to have the conversations you do. She'll come around.
In the meantime, you have plenty of mamas here. We're here for you.0 -
Good comments, I just wanted to add that it's okay to be sad, it is reasonable to be sad about the loss of the relationship the way you knew it, but hopefully it will be even better in the future. Also, let yourself cry, girl!!! Tears are one of the ways our Creator gave us to heal. It gets rid of some of the toxins that build up inside us when we are stressed/sad/grieving/angry/feeling rejected, etc. or whatever other situation makes us feel like crying.0
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As a mother now I could not ever think about not loving my child regardless of what he chooses.
^^ This ... except I'd add this is not a choice.
Stay strong and be who you are.
Disagree... it is a choice. Everything, other then what we are born with is a choice. People make many choices every day, and most of them are heavily influenced by world around us. Just because an interest has come to me for same sex does not mean it is a green light to pursue it, or for another guy who is married, or ______ (insert whatever you want in this blank).
We become what we feed ourselves with, and I am not talking food - what we see, what we think, what we dwell on.
Said that, OP, I am sorry about your mother's rejection. She might not like your choices in life, but as mom she should show you unconditional love. Maybe she blames herself and distancing herself from you makes it easier for her to handle it.
If my children would make choices that are against my core values, I would still accept them the same. I would go an extra mile to show my love. Hate the sin, not the sinner. We all are sinners.0 -
You're still young enough to think the world revolves around you. Maybe it's time for you to realize that there's more to your mother than just that aspect of her life. Our parents are not just parents, they are individuals with other roles and their own hopes, dreams and problems just like you and your friends. Have you considered that her personality change could be related to something else entirely? There could be problems with her marriage or she may be suffering from depression. There could be any number of reasons for this. A major change in personality and withdrawal from loved ones are major red flags. If I were you, I would be very concerned about your mother right now.
You say you've tried to talk to her, but how did you approach her? Maybe you should try sitting down with both of your parents and having a frank discussion to find out what's going on. Be mature enough to come to her with the mindset that you want to help her, not the other way around for once.
She's your mother. I'm sure she loves you. She raised you, put a roof over your head and tried to give you a better life. You say you were in college which means she paid your tuition and gave you other types of support. Sometimes we build something up in our mind so much that we don't even consider other possibilities.0 -
I'm sooo sorry!!! I understand parents having a hard time accepting this. No matter what it is, we as parents have a vision in our head, and often that vision isn't reality. But never the less, never should our dreams and our vision interfere with our relationship with our children. I know many do eventually come around, and I pray your mom does too! Find a way to celebrate and make it the best Christmas possible in spite of the situation. That's what I have had to learn to do with my life and my relationships, especially with my mom. Sometimes parents make LOVING their kids seem too damn hard, and it's not.0
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So sorry to hear that your coming out experience wasn't a positive one. That takes great courage and strength. I'd suggest that you just keep making small efforts (cards, letters, emails now and then) just to keep lines of communication open. Lean on your friends to get you through the sad times.0
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You're still young enough to think the world revolves around you. Maybe it's time for you to realize that there's more to your mother than just that aspect of her life. Our parents are not just parents, they are individuals with other roles and their own hopes, dreams and problems just like you and your friends. Have you considered that her personality change could be related to something else entirely? There could be problems with her marriage or she may be suffering from depression. There could be any number of reasons for this. A major change in personality and withdrawal from loved ones are major red flags. If I were you, I would be very concerned about your mother right now.
You say you've tried to talk to her, but how did you approach her? Maybe you should try sitting down with both of your parents and having a frank discussion to find out what's going on. Be mature enough to come to her with the mindset that you want to help her, not the other way around for once.
She's your mother. I'm sure she loves you. She raised you, put a roof over your head and tried to give you a better life. You say you were in college which means she paid your tuition and gave you other types of support. Sometimes we build something up in our mind so much that we don't even consider other possibilities.
I don't think anyone here has a right to assume anything. If their relationship was fine up until the point she came out then clearly that would be where the issue is.
Also, who is to say her mother (or parents, we dont know that situation either) paid for her schooling? I know LOTS of kids who pay their way through school and dont get help from their parents. Not all kids are that lucky. Instead of assuming and being negative and thinking she is being selfish, try being a bit supportive. She doesn't need anyone else to bring her down.
OP as others have said, try to write a letter or get her something from the heart for Christmas. Some parents never accept their childs sexuality and you cannot carry that around with you as your problem. She is an adult as well and needs to find her own ways to deal with it.
You have plenty of support here {{ HUGS }}
If my son ever comes to me and says he is gay, it changes nothing because he is still the same person I raised and loved. Parents love should be unconditional.0 -
{{{{{hugs!!!!}}}}}}
You are awesome! I am so sorry you have sadness at Christmas time! My advice is first of all, only listen to advice here that you feel is right, and surround yourself with people who are supportive. As for your mom, you don't have to talk to her again about this right now if it doesn't help and I hope that with time you and her are able to build a new relationship. Don't give up on her but at the same time live your life like you are, finish your degree and enjoy life
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You did a brave thing and it's really sad that your mother has chosen to not speak to you. It always baffles me when the parent of an individual cuts them off merely because of which gender they find more appealing. You're very brave and I pray that one day your mother will realize that you are still the same young woman that you were before she knew about it.0
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You're still young enough to think the world revolves around you. Maybe it's time for you to realize that there's more to your mother than just that aspect of her life. Our parents are not just parents, they are individuals with other roles and their own hopes, dreams and problems just like you and your friends. Have you considered that her personality change could be related to something else entirely? There could be problems with her marriage or she may be suffering from depression. There could be any number of reasons for this. A major change in personality and withdrawal from loved ones are major red flags. If I were you, I would be very concerned about your mother right now.
You say you've tried to talk to her, but how did you approach her? Maybe you should try sitting down with both of your parents and having a frank discussion to find out what's going on. Be mature enough to come to her with the mindset that you want to help her, not the other way around for once.
She's your mother. I'm sure she loves you. She raised you, put a roof over your head and tried to give you a better life. You say you were in college which means she paid your tuition and gave you other types of support. Sometimes we build something up in our mind so much that we don't even consider other possibilities.
This may come as a shock to you - but a lot of people of the older generation are still not okay with homosexuality. Parents alienate their children due to sexuality way more than needed.0 -
You say you were in college which means she paid your tuition and gave you other types of support..
I'm sorry, but this does NOT mean she paid tuition... I went through 11 years of college (one undergraduate, 2 masters and working on my PhD) - my work paid for one masters, I paid for the rest.
Just mentioning that assuming that it was paid for is not a good assumption.0
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