Obese boyfriend help?

brittrose33
brittrose33 Posts: 58
in Motivation and Support
TLDR summary at the end of post!

My boyfriend is very obese, and I have no problem with that (besides worrying about his health, of course). Since I have changed my lifestyle he wants to get on board and asked me for help, which is awesome. He's a very smart guy, but has no clue about health and has been very overweight all his life. On the other hand, I was very fit and healthy my entire life minus this last year (with a 65 pound gain in a year! Yikes.), so I have decent knowledge on nutrition and exercise. I'm not sure how to approach helping him without either intimidating him with too much info or treating him like an idiot. I also feel as if I cannot relate since he has always been large. When I work out and eat right, I feel like the "old me" and it makes me happy. It just feels like slipping back into old habits after a crappy year. I'm not sure how he must feel when unhealthy is the "old, comfortable me". I hope that doesn't sound condescending, I'm just really trying to relate to his situation so I can help him to the best of my abilities. While the weight loss goal is similar, the emotional starting point seems very different. Our shared friends aren't the healthiest people in the world (I love them, but one lives off KD, another one off cigarettes, diet pepsi and booze), so it's even harder for him to have the willpower to change, where my friends are more active.

I really, really don't want to discourage him in any way, or have him feel like I'm pressuring him to change himself. I never mentioned him losing weight, he mentioned it to me. We have had a couple discussions about how he feels, but I feel as if he is embarrassed about it and sometimes won't open up. He refuses to weight himself. He can also be stubborn, and sometimes refuses to do things just because people pressure him. I have a morbidly obese friend who just turned 30 and was told that if he didn't lose weight, he could have a heart attack soon, and was at high risk for diabetes and other health problems. He has a very similar junk food and beer diet like my boyfriend, who is 25. That scares the crap out of me.

I was planning on making small changes, such as going for walks and cooking dinner together (he can't cook). I've already been eating carrots and hummus as snacks instead of chips. He is hot and cold about jogging with me (he said something about "fat people running looks stupid", but was kind of interested in C25K when I mentioned it) but seemed pretty interested in my weight lifting. I have dumbbells up to 25lbs, so I thought maybe we could try out some work outs at home and maybe he would be interested in a gym. He really likes basketball but we have nobody to play it with and I suck at it, so I'm sure it's not much fun to play with me even though I have fun and try my best. Oh, and it's winter in Canada. I was also going to introduce him to this website, and since he is very factual and loves to research, I thought he might enjoy the science/math side of weightloss and various research at some point.

Sorry for the novel guys! I don't want to be the one who discourages him from what could potentially be a huge changing point in my boyfriends life because I do or say the wrong thing.

TLDR: I'm not sure how to help my boyfriend take the first steps in his weightloss journey now that he seems serious about it and has asked me for help. Any hints, tips or viewpoints would be greatly appreciated. I am not a doctor, nutritionist or trainer and I don't want to be a negative influence when he seems serious about changing his life.

Replies

  • bruner2170
    bruner2170 Posts: 2
    I would be honest with him sit him down and just tell him you love him and your worried about him, my wife has done that for me and it helps a ton, he should want to do it for himself, but another reason being you, may just be the thing he needs to get started......small steps at first, he will see the progress and want to do more, there will be roadblocks, they may be gain backs, support, sit him down again in 6 months if needed....he may resent you at first, he may cry, he may hug you for it, but at least you tried!

    Good Luck!
  • wibutterflymagic
    wibutterflymagic Posts: 788 Member
    Take it slow. Don't throw a lot at him right away. I think I would first sit down with him and find out what he wants to accomplish. Gauge his commitment. Starting out by removing some of the junk snacks is a good place to start and just limited exercise. Since eating healthy is really foreign to him making small changes is going to be the key. I'm guessing he doesn't do anything now so even just a 15min walk 3x a week is going to help. I have never been an exercise person so I started out very slowly with walking up and down my stairs for 5mins. Many people don't realize how much of a workout that really is.

    I don't understand why many people on here think that they have to exercise for hours and aren't accomplishing anything if they don't lose 2-3lbs a week. That is not the case and by explaining that to him and letting him know that by doing it slowly and at a pace that is comfortable for him he will succeed. I don't exercise longer then about 35mins, unless I'm outside taking a long walk/hike and I'm finding success.

    It's great that you realize you and him come from different backgrounds. Get him on here where he can find friends that he connects with. Since you do have a better handle on how to eat healthy you will be a great resource for him but don't push too much to fast...unless that is what he says he wants. For those of us that are new to eating healthier it takes longer to find the things that make us feel as comfortable as the junk food did. However, the one thing I love about losing weight by counting calories that that you don't have to give up anything. I love sweets and I still eat them. Let him know that by eating healthier most of the time it will allow him to continue to have some of his favorite guilty pleasure foods. I think that if he feels he has to give things up he may end up quitting, but it will also depend on how motivated and committed he is. Good luck!
  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
    I just wanted to hop in here and say he has the world's most awesome girlfriend with him, and that he sounds like a really awesome guy himself. Takes guts to do what he wants to do, even moreso to ask for and be open to your help. You don't sound at all condescending and seem very supportive and loving and encouraging.
  • jumpy983
    jumpy983 Posts: 63
    Coming from a place of being overweight AND skinny during my jr high/highschool/college years I can relate.
    I would introduce him to this website and tell him to simply start by logging what he eats. He will be completely SURPRISED how the calories add up. Especially if he is into numbers. I had to start by logging everything. And then I was shocked and went thru denial that I couldn't possibly be consuming that many calories each day....I mean, it was ONLY 3 pieces of Pizza!

    And I left for a few days, but then I was back with renewed determination to stick to a calorie goal. I've gone over a few times, but I'm getting better. My hubby is on board too and that helps. I work 2 jobs so eating out is everyone's favorite past time. Hubby and I went shopping and I told him, I want to lose weight, but I need your help. So we bought a "salad bowl" and I make my salad to take to work. Sometimes, if i'm running late from one job to another, hubby will make me a plate to take.

    I am the world's worst cook so having him send me with something is very helpful. 1. I feel obligated to eat it because he made it, and 2. mostly I feel obligated to eat it because he made it. 3. it's pretty tasty most of the time.


    Telling myself that it's ok to say "no" when someone asks if I'd like to order lunch with them. I used to feel like there was a camaraderie when we ordered out. Then I finally figured out, it's hella expensive and it gets old after a while. And the calories that are spent are ridiculous!! So, now I tell everyone in advance when I've brought lunch and surprisingly, most of them are on board! They are starting to ask about MFP and eating better. It's been awesome. So, my advice would be to start there and be supportive. Let him try and fail, but be there to help out. Let the MFP community help him, that way, you don't have to be the "bad guy" if your advice fails.
  • jumpy983
    jumpy983 Posts: 63
    and ps - i think it's awesome you are helping him!!
  • xMissy6x
    xMissy6x Posts: 347 Member
    I just wanted to hop in here and say he has the world's most awesome girlfriend with him, and that he sounds like a really awesome guy himself. Takes guts to do what he wants to do, even moreso to ask for and be open to your help. You don't sound at all condescending and seem very supportive and loving and encouraging.

    This! So true!
  • amberlykay1014
    amberlykay1014 Posts: 608 Member
    I completely agree with everyone who posted so far in saying that it is awesome you want to help him! Maybe you guys can start walking together regularly, go to parks more, and cook together as a couple. Good luck to you both!

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