Dating - Resentment

Just think of all the dreams you have been putting on hold until "you lose the weight".

Imagine what your life will be like when you allow yourself to be successful in that area? Sky is the limit!

But you've got to stop holding yourself back. And also start allowing OTHER dreams to creep in, because the weight thing...YOU GOT THIS!!!

Like someone else just posted, it's not because you will have lost weight that someone is attracted to, it will be your confidence, positive attitude, and zest for life that you project when you feel good about yourself and have pride in accomplishing your goals.

People naturally want to be with other people who are happy, energetic and love life. When you feel down about yourself, or self conscious, or negative, it's just too much negative energy to deal with, and naturally just drift away from that. I am a 'second time arounder' myself and spent a good year after my separation figuring out who I really was, what I really wanted to do with my life and creating a path towards those goals. I had a two year old at the time and vowed to CHOOSE to be with someone who compliments my life, not complicates it because I was just fine on my own.

It's was very liberating and now am in a wonderful relationship being ME and living the life I want to live. Has nothing to do with my weight at all....btw I gained 100 lbs with my pregnancy and the only reason I believe that I couldn't lose the last 30 lbs at the time was because I was so unhappy in my marriage. once I made the decision to live my life the way I should have been living, everything else fell into place, including my weight!

Good luck on starting your new chapter!!

I have a fear, I fear that I might actually attract a guy and when I do I am going to ask him this "why didn't you like me when I was fat?". Why didn't any of you like me when I was fat? It makes me sad to think this way but it's hard for me not to? (I won't actually ask him that, I will just think it and internalize the resentment)

maybe... it wasn't all about the fat? when we aren't happy with ourselves, people can tell, and it's not an attractive quality to most. So, while you think your fat was making you unattractive, maybe it was really your low energy level, your lack of self-confidence, etc; all the personality traits that come along with being unhappy with ourselves.

and sure, for some (many) men, extra weight is a deal-breaker, butI think most of us have some deal-breakers when it comes to the physical traits of a potential partner. either you will have to accept that your dates might not have chosen you if you were heavier, or you have to seek out dates for whom that isn't a top priority.

This.

And why is it so bad that someone isn't attracted to "fat"?

Honestly, I couldn't look at someone that was very overweight and say "They aren't attractive to me, but I'm going to over look that and make myself get attracted to them anyway because they are nice". It just doesn't work that way. People have personal preferences and there's nothing wrong with that.

What if you met a person who didn't know you before the weight loss? Will those insecurities still be there?

Maybe I am the only one who thinks like this, BUT.. Looks play an integral part in dating. Even in the animal kingdom, you will find birds that have bright feathers to attract a partner. Ask yourself honestly, when was the last time you went into a bar saw a huge man slobbering all over himself in the corner, and said to yourself "I bet he has a great personality"? It's nothing personal, it's just how we are built. You shouldn't resent someone for liking the new you, you worked for it and are getting results from the hard work. Did you only exercise and slim up just to be more healthy? I know I didn't I wanted to be more attractive as well. I am not going to place blame on someone else because they didn't like the fat me. Hell, I didn't like the fat me.

Let the flaming begin!

Fat is taboo in our society. And guys suck anyway. JK Good luck in the New Year with your goals and ambitions!! :drinker:

I agree with dantrick 100%! I want to get out dating but I dont want to do it fat. Why?? I would NEVER want to be with someone who's attracted to a fat woman. I know it sounds just horrible but it's how I feel. I feel this way because I look at fat people [me] as being sick and I cant imagine why anyone would want to be with a sick person. Again, these are all of my own hangups. If you like big women - good for you, just dont hit on this one!

I'd love to meet someone after I transform myself and hopefully someone with the same interests in fitness as I've developed over the past year. Hopefully a weightlifter

While I hate to see people get down on themselves, I can see you have a deep commitment to what you want to achieve. You have exactly the right attitude, and I know you will be successful in meeting your goals. Congrats on getting this far!

Men are visual creatures. For that matter, so am I. It's nothing to get worked up about.

Maybe people here are talking about two different things: Dating/hooking up and having a serious relationship... Of you're looking for someone to show off at a business event or to hook up with a couple of times, looks are what matters most obviously. If you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, looks very quickly become secondary (or SHOULD).

To those who say they would never be with someone who is not skinny or who wants to be with someone who is not skinny: What if your body changes during the course of your relationship? Would you get divorced? What if you gain weight due to pregnancy or a medical condition? Do you want your husband to divorce you? Would that be okay? What if you gained weight simply because you ate too much or stopped exercising? Divorce? What if you have an accident and your body/face doesn't look the same - which makes you feel less attractive. Would this be a reason for divorce? Once you fell in love with somebody, built a life together, have a family, a home etc. - would things like that really matter that much?

I had some rough times relationship-wise this year. Maybe I'm expecting too much good of ordinary men...

I agree with dantrick 100%! I want to get out dating but I dont want to do it fat. Why?? I would NEVER want to be with someone who's attracted to a fat woman. I know it sounds just horrible but it's how I feel. I feel this way because I look at fat people [me] as being sick and I cant imagine why anyone would want to be with a sick person. Again, these are all of my own hangups. If you like big women - good for you, just dont hit on this one!

I'd love to meet someone after I transform myself and hopefully someone with the same interests in fitness as I've developed over the past year. Hopefully a weightlifter

Ehhhhh. Some men like thin women, some men like heavier women. It's all about preference. By saying you don't want a man who is attracted to heavier women, you're making it a value judgement. You are worth less so you don't want a man that would want a body you don't consider valuable. And that's really sad to me.

Don't get me wrong. I've been the same way. I had an ex that had a bit of a fetish for porn involving rapid weight gain and I can't say that didn't make me feel bad even though at my highest weight I've only been a bit chubby. Also, that didn't make him any less of a wonderful person. People are attracted to what they're attracted to. My current boyfriend is a sexual sadist and to him pain looks beautiful. But it doesn't make him any less of a person. He's still caring and brilliant and kind to me. People have value outside of their sexual preferences.

But although we are part of the animal kingdom, we aren't animals. We don't choose our partners solely on how they look. So yes, while it makes sense that you won't be hit on by so many men at a bar because all they'd have to go on would be how you look, I'd be pretty pissed if a male friend all of a sudden was interested in me after I lost weight.

I think for me it's important to realize that I have a body but I AM NOT my body.

Maybe people here are talking about two different things: Dating/hooking up and having a serious relationship... Of you're looking for someone to show off at a business event or to hook up with a couple of times, looks are what matters most obviously. If you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, looks very quickly become secondary (or SHOULD).

To those who say they would never be with someone who is not skinny or who wants to be with someone who is not skinny: What if your body changes during the course of your relationship? Would you get divorced? What if you gain weight due to pregnancy or a medical condition? Do you want your husband to divorce you? Would that be okay? What if you gained weight simply because you ate too much or stopped exercising? Divorce? What if you have an accident and your body/face doesn't look the same - which makes you feel less attractive. Would this be a reason for divorce? Once you fell in love with somebody, built a life together, have a family, a home etc. - would things like that really matter that much?

I had some rough times relationship-wise this year. Maybe I'm expecting too much good of ordinary men...

Being with someone and having a history with them and then they have a weight gain is completely different than not being initially attracted to someone because they are overweight.

I put on a lot of weight during the course of my marriage, as did my husband. He still loved me and treated me wonderfully, but we'd probably both be lying if we said that our attraction levels for each other were at an all time high when our weight was also up there. Are things better now, sexually, that we've both lost weight? Yeah. That doesn't mean that there was something wrong with our marriage - it means that our weight gains were bad for our sex life. And, I was probably a b*tch a lot more often that necessary, simply because I felt bad about myself and was so unhappy. There's that confidence issue again!

We've been together for 13 years (married for 7.5 of that), so we've a decent amount of life change and weight ups & downs. You work through it, and you marriage is stronger if you can, but there's nothing wrong with someone saying that they don't find "fat" attractive.

Nice profile pic and you have a darling son.

Perhaps the bigger question is why did you not like yourself as much when you were bigger. When we lose weight, WE START BEHAVING DIFFERENTLY. We tend to have more self-confidence. I think the bigger issue has been your own life issues and general unhappiness with yourself with regard to your weight and past relationship issues. You are a person of value. You are a person of value whether somebody you trusted betrayed that trust and hurt you or if you are 20-40 lbs overweight.

It is impossible to assume that somebody we have not known (or even did know) did not take an interest in us because of our weight. Is it the weight or is it something else? The main thing is do they treat you and your son well now? Do what you can do to take care of yourself and enjoy life.

I hope I don't sound harsh with these comments; anybody who knows me, knows that I am not that way... Sometimes the written word does not convey with the same sense of compassion that our voice inflection would deliver... If these comments offend, please forgive me but I thought they were worth considering.

Best wishes on attaining all your goals.