How do I get over being molested as a child?
mghanie
Posts: 105 Member
I know this is not the usual topic found here, but I really need some advice and sorry the post being so long, i had to tell the whole story......
When I was younger about 10 or 11 I was molested by one of my teachers at a private school I used to go to. He was the cool teacher that everyone loved and I loved him too, he was a good teacher. It went on for the whole school year, he used to tell me he loved me and me being naive would think that I loved him too. He would tell me that if he had a chance he would marry me, there was one time where he lured me into a room where we were alone and he kissed me and then pushed me away and then I turned around and his wife was there, she never did anything to help me and I bet that he told her that I seduced him I don't know for sure what he told her but she never tried to help she just made it seem like I made him kiss me. His wife was my academics teacher and he was my religion teacher. She would pull me out of his class a couple of times and make me stay in her class but she did not make it seem like it was for my benefit. I remember once he walked into the room and I looked at him and then she got mad and yelled at him and said why is it that everywhere you go she has to watch you (this was in front of a lot of other kids), then he got extremely mad and started yelling in Gujarati (that was their first language) and he stormed out of the room and all she said after that was when he gets mad the roof can come off or something like that. The only reason it stopped was because the school closed down, but they reopened with a new name and new management.
Now this is going to sound totally weird I feel embarrassed about typing this and even remembering feeling like this but I feel if I don't say it then I wouldn't be telling the true story. He asked me if I was going to the new school I said I didn't know he told me that I should go because he was going. I remember wanting to go to the new school and begging my mom to go (I feel so embarrassed right now but I need to tell the truth) and of course I went to the new school, they hired new teachers so they rearranged the classes and I wasn't in the guys class anymore.I missed being in his class, I didn't miss the things he use to do to me the only thing i did miss was him holding my hand and I just missed him just being my teacher. I would catch him looking at me a lot and whenever there was the opportunity he would talk to me nothing weird just normal talk. After half the year passed by I started to realize what he did was not normal and it was very wrong so I said that I hated him and I wanted nothing to do with him. Him and his wife stayed teachers at the school for 1 more year
then they left. I still hated him, all of my friends loved him and never understood why I hated him so much.
I pushed everything I felt in the back of my mind and pretending like nothing had happened all that mattered was that I hated him and that's all that I had to feel about him. I thought about it maybe once or twice every week for the next 10 years but I never let it take a front seat in my emotions i just stuffed it all down.
Now 10 years later he has a stroke the 1st thing I think is good for him, but then I start thinking about how I use to feel sometimes excited to go to school and then I felt bad for him, so I called him to see how he was doing and with a slight hope that he would apologize for what he had done. It was a normal conversation he asked me how I was doing and how college was going, but never did he apologize, I remember feeling angry and sad and crying after I hung up because after 10 years that's all he had to say to me. Ever since then I guess all of the feelings and everything I pushed down for so long is coming up now and I don't know what to do, I think about him and what happened all the time literally all the time I don't want to anymore, I don't want this to run my life.
And I hate how I feel, like i miss him i hate that i feel like this and i DO NOT want to feel like this anymore, sometimes i think its my fault i feel this way because i could have said no i could have stopped it but i didn't so I think this is half my fault too. I just want to know what I can do to finally get over this and move on with my life i'm sick and tired of it running my life of him running my life. I don't have money for a therapist and I can't go see a counselor because my parents will wonder what i'm doing and I don't want them to know because I don't want to hurt them. please help me, I don't want to tell any of my friends because to this day they still love him as their teacher, and I would be totally embarrassed to tell them the whole truth.
Please help me, Thank you!
When I was younger about 10 or 11 I was molested by one of my teachers at a private school I used to go to. He was the cool teacher that everyone loved and I loved him too, he was a good teacher. It went on for the whole school year, he used to tell me he loved me and me being naive would think that I loved him too. He would tell me that if he had a chance he would marry me, there was one time where he lured me into a room where we were alone and he kissed me and then pushed me away and then I turned around and his wife was there, she never did anything to help me and I bet that he told her that I seduced him I don't know for sure what he told her but she never tried to help she just made it seem like I made him kiss me. His wife was my academics teacher and he was my religion teacher. She would pull me out of his class a couple of times and make me stay in her class but she did not make it seem like it was for my benefit. I remember once he walked into the room and I looked at him and then she got mad and yelled at him and said why is it that everywhere you go she has to watch you (this was in front of a lot of other kids), then he got extremely mad and started yelling in Gujarati (that was their first language) and he stormed out of the room and all she said after that was when he gets mad the roof can come off or something like that. The only reason it stopped was because the school closed down, but they reopened with a new name and new management.
Now this is going to sound totally weird I feel embarrassed about typing this and even remembering feeling like this but I feel if I don't say it then I wouldn't be telling the true story. He asked me if I was going to the new school I said I didn't know he told me that I should go because he was going. I remember wanting to go to the new school and begging my mom to go (I feel so embarrassed right now but I need to tell the truth) and of course I went to the new school, they hired new teachers so they rearranged the classes and I wasn't in the guys class anymore.I missed being in his class, I didn't miss the things he use to do to me the only thing i did miss was him holding my hand and I just missed him just being my teacher. I would catch him looking at me a lot and whenever there was the opportunity he would talk to me nothing weird just normal talk. After half the year passed by I started to realize what he did was not normal and it was very wrong so I said that I hated him and I wanted nothing to do with him. Him and his wife stayed teachers at the school for 1 more year
then they left. I still hated him, all of my friends loved him and never understood why I hated him so much.
I pushed everything I felt in the back of my mind and pretending like nothing had happened all that mattered was that I hated him and that's all that I had to feel about him. I thought about it maybe once or twice every week for the next 10 years but I never let it take a front seat in my emotions i just stuffed it all down.
Now 10 years later he has a stroke the 1st thing I think is good for him, but then I start thinking about how I use to feel sometimes excited to go to school and then I felt bad for him, so I called him to see how he was doing and with a slight hope that he would apologize for what he had done. It was a normal conversation he asked me how I was doing and how college was going, but never did he apologize, I remember feeling angry and sad and crying after I hung up because after 10 years that's all he had to say to me. Ever since then I guess all of the feelings and everything I pushed down for so long is coming up now and I don't know what to do, I think about him and what happened all the time literally all the time I don't want to anymore, I don't want this to run my life.
And I hate how I feel, like i miss him i hate that i feel like this and i DO NOT want to feel like this anymore, sometimes i think its my fault i feel this way because i could have said no i could have stopped it but i didn't so I think this is half my fault too. I just want to know what I can do to finally get over this and move on with my life i'm sick and tired of it running my life of him running my life. I don't have money for a therapist and I can't go see a counselor because my parents will wonder what i'm doing and I don't want them to know because I don't want to hurt them. please help me, I don't want to tell any of my friends because to this day they still love him as their teacher, and I would be totally embarrassed to tell them the whole truth.
Please help me, Thank you!
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Replies
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I am really sorry that you are going through this. Have you thought of getting some counselling? Sending you lots of cyber hugs. You can add me as a friend if you like.0
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Have you gone for therapy?0
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absolutely go and seek professional counseling, perhaps with a psychotherapist?
Good luck with finding resolution.0 -
Firstly, it is very normal and usual for a child who has been treated in this way by an adult to 'miss' aspects of the relationship
thats why grooming is SUCH a crap thing to do to someone, which is what happened here.
there are countless stories of young men growing up thinking they are gay because they've been groomed and molested by a male teacher/carer in a boarding school type situation. Only to realise they are NOT gay and that craving that attemtion is normal.
You had a special relationship with that man, it was not a correct relationship to have but children dont think in terms of correct.
So please, stop hating yourself for that.
To help yourself, all i can recommend is that you take a time, a moment, a day, a year, and decide that beyond that point, you are not going to allow this to dictate how you live your life now.
Then work towards it. I would recommend that you try and get some psychotherapy and really commit yourself to it, psychotherapy is HARD work and truly difficult but incredibly releasing.
If you have to do it on your own because of money or whatever, i would recommend you lose your weight tio a healthy goal and then literally re-invent yourself at the other end of it. Set yourself achievable goals and keep them
there is lots... really that it would take a loooong time to get across to you but if you want to PM me we could have a chat about some stuff x
hope thats helped on some level
all the best,
Fi0 -
Most colleges will have counseling available, usually with the first few sessions being free. I'd recommend looking into what your school has to offer on that.0
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You should def seek therapy. There are places that go off of your income, so if that is a worry, then don't worry. Your parents don't need to know why...but if it was 10 years ago, and you were 10 or 11 then, aren't you now 20 or 21 years old? So, really it would be none of your parent's business as to if you wanted to go see a therapist...
But, you shouldn't feel guilty, or like it was half your fault. You were a CHILD! He was an adult. That is molestation, and in no way can be your fault.
I don't care if you threw yourself at him! He, as an adult, would be with the responsibility to not take advantage of you!
People who experience situations like that sort of end up having a "pause" or a "retardation" of normal emotional development...almost like being stuck in time. So, it is very realistic for you to be re experiencing the feelings and what not now, even 10 years later, if you never really dealt with it all in a healthy way. This is why it is important to confront those feelings, and to seek therapy.
I am in school to be a therapist, by the way. I also have dealt with my own issues of this sort from when i was a little child.
I really hope you can overcome this. Your teacher knew what he was doing, and his wife was just as bad...like an accomplice, for not coming to your protection. I am really sorry you have experienced that.
Something I learned, through a lot of therapy, is that IT IS NOT MY FAULT (so you need to understand this about yourself-IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT) and also that if I keep feeling guilty over it, or keep thinking about it, I am letting my perpetrator win all over again. It is like a power they know they have over their victims, if you let them have it.
The power is in YOUR hands now. Don't let him continue to thrive.0 -
Firstly, it is very normal and usual for a child who has been treated in this way by an adult to 'miss' aspects of the relationship
thats why grooming is SUCH a crap thing to do to someone, which is what happened here.
there are countless stories of young men growing up thinking they are gay because they've been groomed and molested by a male teacher/carer in a boarding school type situation. Only to realise they are NOT gay and that craving that attemtion is normal.
You had a special relationship with that man, it was not a correct relationship to have but children dont think in terms of correct.
So please, stop hating yourself for that.
To help yourself, all i can recommend is that you take a time, a moment, a day, a year, and decide that beyond that point, you are not going to allow this to dictate how you live your life now.
Then work towards it. I would recommend that you try and get some psychotherapy and really commit yourself to it, psychotherapy is HARD work and truly difficult but incredibly releasing.
If you have to do it on your own because of money or whatever, i would recommend you lose your weight tio a healthy goal and then literally re-invent yourself at the other end of it. Set yourself achievable goals and keep them
there is lots... really that it would take a loooong time to get across to you but if you want to PM me we could have a chat about some stuff x
hope thats helped on some level
all the best,
Fi
Agree
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Also, look up Stockholm's Syndrome. You very well may have that.0
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Being molested as a child is not something you can really "get over." I think the issue is that there is no resolution today. He did not admit to what he did, and you did not directly accuse him of the crime.
Don't feel guilty for having sympathy for him. Children are receptive and naive around anyone who pretends to care for them. You probably assumed that he had good intentions, and he only shows his good side around other people. The reality is that he groomed a kid - not a 17-year-old resembling an adult - but a young kid - for sexual activity. The worthless wife (I HATE women like this, honestly) stood by his behavior. None of this is your fault. If you are in the United States I would consider going to the police, although the statute of limitations may have run out and there may not be enough evidence to prosecute. There is a strong likelihood that he went for other children.
Don't feel sorry for the guy.
I had a friend who was molested by a teacher at the age of 12 at a religious school. He sounds like your teacher. He was very talkative and confident; he was the favorite teacher of many students. He started by offering to counsel her about family problems, drove her home after school once, and then slowly pushed the boundaries. A female teacher walked into their office and saw him massaging my friend's shoulders...but NEVER reported it. And he had recently become engaged.
My friend blamed herself for everything that happened - and she was only 12! The police gave her a wire and sent her to talk with him, hoping to hear a confession. The teacher said that he would talk to her about it IF she got in his car and they drove away. He never said where they would go. The police prevented it, of course. I would not be surprised if that had turned into a disappearance. That guy was NOT the stand up guy he pretended to be. He didn't give a crap about the child. Child molesters never do, although they will create the illusion of a relationship in the early stages to groom the kid. They know it's only a temporary high and there is usually a wife or girlfriend in the wings to cover for them.
Do not feel any sympathy or remorse for these kinds of men. They are vile abusers who take advantage of children because kids do not have the maturity or experience to reject their advances.
Best wishes, and hope you can move through this later.0 -
Hi...I can totally relate to your story..You have taken the 1st step in your recovery. You have acknowledged that something awful happened to you. You have opened up about what you felt and feel.All previous comments are totally correct~you are/were NOT to blame. That is totally at the door of your teacher and his wife.
You need to talk to someone. Even a Dr can help.
Suppressed emotions lead to all sorts of problems..like say for eg~weight gain!
You NEED to get MAD~~scream,shout, punch something...
Tell the universe you are not happy with what happened.
Tell the universe you are not a victim.
Remember we are here to help and support you.
Blessed Be.0 -
When you speak to a counselor you should also consider reporting the teacher's crimes to the police. You are likely not his first abuse nor his last and if he still works in any capacity with children his behaviour will continue.
If you don't feel ready to seek out face to face help, this link might assist you: http://rainn.org/index.php0 -
i am really sorry you had to go through all this...I think you need a closure on this so you can move on.Maybe confront him where you have a talk with him over what he has done.Maybe if you got a heartfelt apology,you will be able to move on from all this.Next healthy thing for you to do would be to go on dates and meet a great guy which will help you erase all this even more
On another note ,i flipped from my chair on hearing he was a Gujrati.i speak Gujrati too and that is not something i am sure to hearing about on Mfp given that only like .003 % people here must be from my state0 -
How do you get over it?
You don't. It's been 29 years since I was 1st molested by an uncle, 25 years since my mothers boyfriend did it as well. In short you NEVER get over it.0 -
Most colleges will have counseling available, usually with the first few sessions being free. I'd recommend looking into what your school has to offer on that.
Yes - check into the health center at your college. Some schools even have a peer counseling program, which should be free. It would be better probably to talk to a professional but speaking the words out loud to someone who can offer constructive advice may be very helpful to you. It's not your secret, not your crime, not your shame, not your fault - it's all on him.0 -
I'm so sorry you went through this. It wasn't your fault. A child is not to blame for being abused.
Unfortunately there is no 'getting over' child trauma like this. It is something that follows you for the rest of your life. However, you can get help and make it more bearable. You can learn ways of coping and dealing with the feelings and memories of the abuse. I know you said you can't afford therapy but trust me you definitely need it. Don't put off your mental health because it only gets worse.
I waited years to finally get help and reaching rock bottom is not a good thing. You recognize you need the help now and you need to go and reach out to someone that can offer you that help. These feelings will only get worse if you don't address them and confront them.
My therapist recommended a couple books to me while I was in therapy with her. Perhaps they could be a good starting point for you.
Healing From Trauma by Jasmin Lee Cori
8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery by Babette Rothschild
Also I found this http://prettypaddedroom.com/
It is online therapy-including journals only if you don't wish to speak yet. It is relatively inexpensive compared to in person meetings. Also a starting point if you are feeling apprehensive about meeting with someone. But eventually you might want to.
Please understand you aren't alone out there and you were not to blame for what happened to you. There are a lot of us who understand what you are feeling and going through. Feel free to add me if you ever want to talk.
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How do you get over it?
You don't. It's been 29 years since I was 1st molested by an uncle, 25 years since my mothers boyfriend did it as well. In short you NEVER get over it.
So sorry to hear you went through this and that it is still painful.0 -
Journal - exactly how you did for this post. Write write write EVERYTHING that comes to mind - no matter how unbearable it will be. Write your feelings a long with it. Journalling is a very therapeutic means to "release" unpleasant thoughts, or working through complicated internal debates with ourselves.
Write down 3 adjectives that could describe who you would be if you dwell into the past. Write down 3 adjectives that would describe you if you were able to move forward from this.
Write a "Hate Letter". Or even just a letter to the molester. What would you say to him? How has what he done affected you? How will you change?
Some counsellors debate over "Self-help" but seeing as you are using a forum to help with your weight loss, perhaps you can find a similar support online with those who have gone through what you have. There is plenty of information online, and I am confident there would be online support groups/forums.
I am sure there are books in stores as well/libraries...though this may break your confidentiality.0 -
How do you get over it?
You don't. It's been 29 years since I was 1st molested by an uncle, 25 years since my mothers boyfriend did it as well. In short you NEVER get over it.
So sorry to hear you went through this and that it is still painful.
More painful than my mother ever knew, or wanted to believe. Wait that would be NOT believe.0 -
I can totally relate to your situation, because I have been where you are. Only it was my own father rather than a teacher. I too stuffed it down for many years, but as I can attest, it will come to the surface sooner or later, and until it is dealt with, it is very difficult to move forward. And I have no doubt in my mind that it had a very big part in my obesity. I found a good therapist, and it wasn't easy, and it didn't happen overnight, but eventually I found the place of healing, and in fact was able to forgive him. But not without a TON of hard work.
First let me say, YOU are the victim here. NEVER is it OK for an adult to take advantage of a child in a sexual or romantic way. You are not to blame, even when you became aware that it was not a normal thing, or felt conflicted because you still wanted him to pay attention to you, and liked how it made you feel. Cultural differences aside, a pedophile is a pedophile, and that's that. An adult who preys on young children for his own gratification is a pedophile, pure and simple.
So I would just like to tell you that the feelings and emotions you are experiencing are normal, but from my own experience I can tell you that this is bigger than you, and not something you are likely to resolve on your own, without some professional guidance. I pray that you will seek out that help, and begin the road to healing. Your life and your future depend on it.
Another thing I would like to impart to you...You have to focus less on wanting an apology, because in all likelyhood it will never come, I wasted a lot of time and energy waiting and hoping for it, but my father would never even acknowledge that the abuse occured, much less take responsibilty for it and apologize. Eventually I realized that that was keeping me from moving forward, and keeping me stuck in the past, and that it was no longer that important, and led to my being able to forgive him. I can never forget what happened, because it is a part of who I am, and I am stronger for having gone through it. but I can and did choose to not let it hold me back any longer, and finally let it go. Again, this only came about after a lot of therapy and hard work.0 -
I have just finished counselling for the Rape and Sexual Abuse that I went through. There is light at the end of the tunnel sweetheart. I refuse to let what happened to me, define me. It will always be with me, but it's not who I am. I won't be the victim any more. I am a survivor. As is everyone, including you, who has been through something like this, you have survived.
Every body has pretty much said what I was going to. You were a child. You were groomed. It wasn't your fault. But I know it doesn't help sometimes.
I would suggest finding a form of therapy that will help you. Counselling doesn't work for everyone. You need to find a style that works with you and can help you move away from what you have been through. Try the things that sound like they would work for you x
I was told to find a picture of myself at that age. 12. I couldn't believe how little I was, how I was so naive and innocent. Sometimes, looking back on things as an adult, can distort your memory.
I wish I could show you just how much it does help, seeking someone who is professional and will understand and help you through it.
It is why I am going to train to be a counsellor. Good luck sweetheart x Sending so much love to everyone who is fighting and surviving xx0 -
I am not sure you will ever get over being molested. Its one of those things that resurface and haunt you periodically throughout your life. However, there are ways to learn to live with what has happened and even gain some measure of confidence.
That being said, no one here is qualified to help with this issue. Its best to leave it in the hands of a therapist or counselor. Another thing that may help is taking some defense classes. It will focus and discipline you in positive ways. Knowing you have the knowledge to defend yourself is a powerful thing. Plus it has added health benefits of being exercise!0 -
Sadly, I have to tell you that you will never fully "get over" it.. It happened to me when I was six years old, i'm 24 now, and I still wake up from nightmares, crying on occasion. Some days it may not hurt as bad, and it may just feel like a distant memory, some days it may feel like it happened yesterday.
Keep yourself in a "Happy Place" and the memories wont come back as much. I'm sorry that it happened to you, and anyone else. No one should have to go through it.0 -
You may not ever get over it, but you will be able to deal with it.
As I said before, I don't feel like a victim any more. The b***tards can rot in hell for what they did to me, but I will not let what they did to me, dictate how my life will go.
I would highly recommend to everyone who has gone through being violated in any way, find a form of therapy that works for you. That will help you deal with the things you have been through. I am not saying you will ever forget what has happened, but it will become a lot easier to deal with when you are forced to deal with them by triggers.
Please don't feel defeated by your abuser. x0 -
Thank you guys for all your support and help, i wish i could tell my bestfriend but shes out of the country and is in medical school. I have been doing some research online and found out that i may have stockholm syndrome and im scared because i dont know how to stop feeling attached to him, i figure if i just dont think about it that much then the feelings will just go away over time am i right about that? I want to heal but i just dont know how, i feel if i talk to someone it will help but i dont want to bother any of my friends with this because when i start talking about i im not sure if ill be able to stop talking about it. I have decided im never going to tell my parents or anyone one of my family members i dont want them to look at me differently or think that im weird, i also dont want them to feel bad for me i mean i see them everday and i don want them to always think they need to feel bad for me i dont know if any of this makes any sense but i have to let this stuff out. Thank you guys again for reading this and giving me you advice and support you don know how much it means to me. Thank you all !0
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I am a survivor also. I was abused by my stepfather when I was a young child and it was violent. The book that really helped me break free from these types of feelings you are describing is: The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes.0
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Therapy. Patience. Feeling your feelings, changing how you ACT on those feelings. Breaking the bond to an abuser does not happen all at once - even if we cut them out of our lives suddenly. It takes a long time to unravel it all.
You've made a very brave step. It is okay to be scared, even of yourself. You can feel scared and still work on being better, though. It's okay.
*hugs*0 -
No, dear. It is never your fault for someone else touching you without your consent. You were a child, and usually as child we are taught to respect and sometimes fear adults. But we are not usually taught to respect ourselves and our own boundaries.
And I hate how I feel, like i miss him i hate that i feel like this and i DO NOT want to feel like this anymore, sometimes i think its my fault i feel this way because i could have said no i could have stopped it but i didn't so I think this is half my fault too. I just want to know what I can do to finally get over this and move on with my life i'm sick and tired of it running my life of him running my life. I don't have money for a therapist and I can't go see a counselor because my parents will wonder what i'm doing and I don't want them to know because I don't want to hurt them. please help me, I don't want to tell any of my friends because to this day they still love him as their teacher, and I would be totally embarrassed to tell them the whole truth.
Please help me, Thank you!
What he did was wrong, and what his wife did was also wrong. But always remember, that no part of this is your fault, and you couldn't have stopped it. They were wrong, not you.0
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