Newbie, with a twist.

MrUNC50
MrUNC50 Posts: 28
in Introduce Yourself
First off, I would like to say MFP is a really great tool and the community on here is first class. i have been viewing the forums for some time now and have decided to get this ball rolling for good. I am on here to get advice and tips on a situation that someone may frown at me for.

I am really on this site to help my girlfriend with her weight loss, as well as get advice on how to gain muscle for myself. I would like to say that I am not perfect and don't expect her to be. I do, however, want her to be happy. Currently, she is not.

I have been with her for almost a year and in that time I have seen her go on a roller coaster of emotions, directly targeted towards her weight. The biggest thing with that is that her own parents comment on the fact she is a heavy girl and needs to lose weight. They have practically forced her to go to the gym. I love her very much and want her to be happy, without coming off as a guy who isn't happy with what I have. She always talks about spending her life with me, and is it bad that I see her being unhappy and unhealthy for that time?

She is 5'2 and weighs 230 lbs. She is busty tho so a good chunk is there haha The area she is concerned about are her thighs, butt and belly.

I have combed over the forums and have tried to gather info. but there is so much to read so any advice and links to good info would be greatly appreciated. I know about BMR and TDEE but I feel my calculations for her are high. Would it be harmful for her to be at 1200 cals a day with a strength training routine included? What are some good routines she could do that will keep her interested. I hate to say it but I feel she takes the easy road with things and she is most worried about failing again at losing weight as she didn't months before. I have told her numerous times I want to be that motivation for her but I know that she has to want it. I think this time she does.

Again, I don't want to sound like one of those guys who hates what he sees and is forcing her to fix it. She has mentioned she feels I have lost my attraction to her and will find someone skinnier. That is the type of nonsense that she cant let get in the way of her own goals.

So please feel free to leave any tips and advice and links to great information.

As for myself..I just wanna have bigger muscles haha
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Replies

  • ichorica
    ichorica Posts: 475 Member
    Is your girlfriend on mfp? I wouldn't recommend a 1200 diet for her personally. Have her use the guidelines of mfp for her intake and then make changes once she has had time to research. If she is on here I'd love to add her!
  • jenn_may
    jenn_may Posts: 154 Member
    I don't know how to help her get motivated. It sounds like she has heard all this advice a thousand times over all her life. Show her the way; prepare meals that are nutritious and delicious. Ask her to go on walks. Make protein shakes. Anything you can think of. As for the other part, 1200 + weight training is WAY too low. My advice to you is to not ask her to eat a certain amount of calories and work out for a certain amount of time that has been asked of her before. Lead by example.
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    She is not, but ironically she was the one who told me about the app haha

    I guess I plan on doing all the research for her, is that bad?

    I did BMR and TDEE calculations but they seemed high.

    Would using the MFP app and inputting her stats give me a better idea?
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    Thanks for the post. The thing is, she hasnt really been told about the things Ive told her. it has all been negative whether it is from her parents, other family members or even past boyfriends who told her to "trim down". I know in a way Im doing the same things them but she knows I care about her and only wants whats best for her. Does that sound foolish?

    I plan on starting up my workout regiment soon.

    As for us going on walks, we currently dont live together so its hard to schedule stuff like that daily.
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    Sorry for not quoting the messages that my replys are too, rookie mistake haha
  • jenn_may
    jenn_may Posts: 154 Member
    Ahh, not sure why I assumed you lived together. I hope that she knows your words are genuine and not hurtful. That is very important. If she ever decides to join mfp tell her to add me. Support is what this place is all about. :)
  • Ballmom22
    Ballmom22 Posts: 27
    The motivation has to come from her (no duh) but you can help.... a lot!!! As a wife a a skinny butt, do not bring anything around her she can't or should not eat. If you guys go out, explore healthy options. Most importantly love her, unconditionally and make sure she knows she is beautiful! I know if my hubby suggests doing something excercise related I almost feel compelled to do it so you guys find some activities you can do to get the juices flowing :) Good luck...your a sweet guy for caring
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    The motivation has to come from her (no duh) but you can help.... a lot!!! As a wife a a skinny butt, do not bring anything around her she can't or should not eat. If you guys go out, explore healthy options. Most importantly love her, unconditionally and make sure she knows she is beautiful! I know if my hubby suggests doing something excercise related I almost feel compelled to do it so you guys find some activities you can do to get the juices flowing :) Good luck...your a sweet guy for caring

    Thanks! I am trying to be that helping hand but its tough for her especially since her best friend is a stick even though she complains about being a fatty ugh and her little sister is a stick and can eat whatever she wants.

    She knows I love her and only want the best for her and our life together.
  • betsy179
    betsy179 Posts: 34
    It is great that you are trying to be there for her. The best thing is just support her and let her know you love her. You can't do things for her she needs to do it for herself. BUT with your support she will get there. try to get her to join MFP lots of people here to help she is not alone. PS Tell her parents they aren't helping it is only making her feel bad. She must be someone special if you want to help her. Good Luck
  • solynea
    solynea Posts: 5 Member
    Why don't you ask her to do a diet at the same time as you? I think it would keep both of you motivated and you could spend a lot of time together while working out. I don't think she would get upset if you do it with her. Good luck to both of you, what you are doing for her is so adorable :)
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    Why don't you ask her to do a diet at the same time as you? I think it would keep both of you motivated and you could spend a lot of time together while working out. I don't think she would get upset if you do it with her. Good luck to both of you, what you are doing for her is so adorable :)

    Thanks! Im actually looking to add bulk aka muscle so out game plans will be different but I plan on starting mine same time as hers.
  • cloud2011
    cloud2011 Posts: 898 Member
    I would tread very lightly, as you risk being in the same category as her parents, with their comments. There's no nice way to "help" someone lose weight. Most Americans understand healthy eating and exercising, and the relationship to weight loss.

    If there were a magic solution we wouldn't need MFP or external motivators.

    By the way 1200 calories will set your girlfriend up for failure if she weighs 230 lbs.
  • buzzcockgirl
    buzzcockgirl Posts: 260 Member
    I think it's great that you are concerned for her health and happiness, and that you are looking to help her. Just by reading your post-- I dont feel like you are a "bad" guy- you come off as loving, caring, and like a good boyfriend to her. So she's lucky to have you! I personally think 1200 is OK as a start. Especially if she has a somewhat sedentary lifestyle and wont be working out like crazy in the beginning. You'll see (and probably already have noticed_ that a lot of people think 1200 is too low-- but that seems to be what MFP rec's for a lot of beginners. I started out in the summer on 1200 and wanted to lose 1.5-2lbs per week- and it worked for me!! I've upped it more recently because I workout more and burn more cals-- but I think it's a good start. She can always adjust if it's not working for her.
    Try to encourage her to get on here- it's a great tool in her 'get fit' journey! And just be supportive, try to understand when she is too tired for anything else (because she's working out so much) or when she cooks an all veggie meal, or doesnt want to go out for drinks (too many calories!) ... just support her 100% . Good luck to you both!
  • claritarejoice
    claritarejoice Posts: 461 Member
    Encourage her to get on mfp for herself - you can't do it for her. If you give her a certain number of calories to eat she might resent you. She needs to control her diet and fitness herelf. The best and only way you can help her is emotionally. She has heard negative messages in the past which can actually cause someone to gain or retain weight. Help her to know how much she is loved and accepted for who she is. When she feels happier about herself and is emotionally healthy, the physical health will become automatic for her and she will begin to enjoy eating healthy and exercising. I know this from experience.
  • WMWold
    WMWold Posts: 1
    Your girlfriend and I sound very similar as far as everyone around us being thin and able to eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. You sound like a great guy! My husband is the same as you, he listens to me cry and get down on myself over my weight and I know he just wants me to be happy and I'm sure she knows the same. I would suggest maybe baby steps at first, like getting an exercise routine down and maybe cutting portion sizes and watching calories. Once the weight starts to fall off she will begin to feel motivated and happy enough to increase the exercise and maybe change her diet more drastically.
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    Your girlfriend and I sound very similar as far as everyone around us being thin and able to eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. You sound like a great guy! My husband is the same as you, he listens to me cry and get down on myself over my weight and I know he just wants me to be happy and I'm sure she knows the same. I would suggest maybe baby steps at first, like getting an exercise routine down and maybe cutting portion sizes and watching calories. Once the weight starts to fall off she will begin to feel motivated and happy enough to increase the exercise and maybe change her diet more drastically.

    Thanks for your comments. I agree 100%. Baby steps indeed :)
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    I would tread very lightly, as you risk being in the same category as her parents, with their comments. There's no nice way to "help" someone lose weight. Most Americans understand healthy eating and exercising, and the relationship to weight loss.

    If there were a magic solution we wouldn't need MFP or external motivators.

    By the way 1200 calories will set your girlfriend up for failure if she weighs 230 lbs.

    I am treading lightly but compared to previous boyfriends who flat out told her to lose weight and would pint at her trouble areas constantly, i think Im doing good. I understand 1200 is too low but I feel the caloric intake numbers I calculated are too high for weight lose, maybe I am wrong though.
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    I think it's great that you are concerned for her health and happiness, and that you are looking to help her. Just by reading your post-- I dont feel like you are a "bad" guy- you come off as loving, caring, and like a good boyfriend to her. So she's lucky to have you! I personally think 1200 is OK as a start. Especially if she has a somewhat sedentary lifestyle and wont be working out like crazy in the beginning. You'll see (and probably already have noticed_ that a lot of people think 1200 is too low-- but that seems to be what MFP rec's for a lot of beginners. I started out in the summer on 1200 and wanted to lose 1.5-2lbs per week- and it worked for me!! I've upped it more recently because I workout more and burn more cals-- but I think it's a good start. She can always adjust if it's not working for her.
    Try to encourage her to get on here- it's a great tool in her 'get fit' journey! And just be supportive, try to understand when she is too tired for anything else (because she's working out so much) or when she cooks an all veggie meal, or doesnt want to go out for drinks (too many calories!) ... just support her 100% . Good luck to you both!

    Thanks for the comments. Was losing 2 lbs per week hard to do? is losing 3 lbs per week too unrealistic? If so would doing strictly weight training do it? If she does just weights would she need to eat a ton more?
  • kairisika
    kairisika Posts: 131 Member
    If she's really worried about failing, better to start easy. Maybe you two can get into a routine of doing fun active things together?
    At 100lbs overweight she can afford to lose it a little more quickly, but given what you're talking about for her brain, it would probably be easiest for her to eat at a no more than -1lb/week deficit to lose steadily and without a lot of deprivation.

    1200 calories is way too low.
    What were the numbers you calculated? Off the top of my head I'm guessing she'd do fine with 1800ish. But if she doesn't want to count calories, that will get you nowhere.
    Active things together is something you can do that's not just targeted at her losing weight.
  • itgeekwoman
    itgeekwoman Posts: 804 Member
    as a 5'3" woman that started out at 238 I understand your girlfriends challenges. Family can be very hurtful without even realizing it. Just start doing things with her. Go for walks, or go swimming. If you go out to eat, go to places that have great options without a ton of fried foods.
    1200 calories and working out is NOT enough for someone of that age or size. I would suggest that you go to scooby's site and check out his tdee or bmr calculator to get her numbers set right.

    When she joins you can ask her to add me. I'd love to see her smile transform, it is an incredible thing to see!

    Good luck! and most of all, just love and support her.
  • lovinmomma
    lovinmomma Posts: 77
    1200 for a woman of 230lb IS TOOOOOO LOW!!!!!!!!!! I urg to despratly NOT to let her eat that little! YES she will lose wieght , it will be impossible to maintain and her metabolism will slow and she will gain it all back, trust me on this!! go to fitnessfrog.com it breaks it down for you my guess is with strength she should eat about 1900 a day WITH cardio and NOT eatting calories back, encourage walks and the MAIN thing you can do is change your life style your diet and dont allow junk in the house, I know how she feels as i was that girl too and i put my hubby through a roller coaster i tell you! i hope she talks to a nutritionist before eatting so few calories, slow and steady wins the race! she will lose it slower but she will be healthy and fit and keep it off insted of getting an eatting disorder or gaining it all back and further hurting her confidancxe and self image
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    as a 5'3" woman that started out at 238 I understand your girlfriends challenges. Family can be very hurtful without even realizing it. Just start doing things with her. Go for walks, or go swimming. If you go out to eat, go to places that have great options without a ton of fried foods.
    1200 calories and working out is NOT enough for someone of that age or size. I would suggest that you go to scooby's site and check out his tdee or bmr calculator to get her numbers set right.

    When she joins you can ask her to add me. I'd love to see her smile transform, it is an incredible thing to see!

    Good luck! and most of all, just love and support her.

    I will let her know to add you for sure. Thanks.

    What are some workout routines you do/ is eating to get the your caloric intake hard to do? These are things Im worried about and want to avoid so she doesnt feel like a failure again.
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    1200 for a woman of 230lb IS TOOOOOO LOW!!!!!!!!!! I urg to despratly NOT to let her eat that little! YES she will lose wieght , it will be impossible to maintain and her metabolism will slow and she will gain it all back, trust me on this!! go to fitnessfrog.com it breaks it down for you my guess is with strength she should eat about 1900 a day WITH cardio and NOT eatting calories back, encourage walks and the MAIN thing you can do is change your life style your diet and dont allow junk in the house, I know how she feels as i was that girl too and i put my hubby through a roller coaster i tell you! i hope she talks to a nutritionist before eatting so few calories, slow and steady wins the race! she will lose it slower but she will be healthy and fit and keep it off insted of getting an eatting disorder or gaining it all back and further hurting her confidancxe and self image

    I understand 1200 is too low for her. I guess I just got caught up in the 1200 is ok fade haha

    is it hard to eat 1900 good cal a day and still feel full?
  • lovinmomma
    lovinmomma Posts: 77
    she wont need a ton more she will need about 1900-2300 calories of LEAN meat and high preotien! lots of veggies her plate should be half veggies, 1/4 lean meat/beans/fish/ect, 1/4 complex carbs, all the workouts in the world wont help if you eat crap! i love lifting wieghts but at her wieght cardio would be good it will give her energy and help her feel better, but that doesnt mean she has to run just walking is great!!! also 1lb a week is prefferred, 3lbs id get worried hard on the body and the heart
  • lovinmomma
    lovinmomma Posts: 77
    I understand 1200 is too low for her. I guess I just got caught up in the 1200 is ok fade haha

    is it hard to eat 1900 good cal a day and still feel full?
    [/quote]
    i eat about that i am full, protein and fiber will help her feel full, complex carbs, brown rice, brown bread, whole grains ect. NO sugar, no white anything becasse it makes you more hungry, it will take a while for her to adjust and if at 1900 she is STARVING then giver her veggies with some protein i think if your eatting healthy then your doing good! keep it healthy and you cant fail :) also be patient she will fall off the wagon a few times but thats ok :)
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    she wont need a ton more she will need about 1900-2300 calories of LEAN meat and high preotien! lots of veggies her plate should be half veggies, 1/4 lean meat/beans/fish/ect, 1/4 complex carbs, all the workouts in the world wont help if you eat crap! i love lifting wieghts but at her wieght cardio would be good it will give her energy and help her feel better, but that doesnt mean she has to run just walking is great!!! also 1lb a week is prefferred, 3lbs id get worried hard on the body and the heart

    Would you recommend more days of weight training than cardio? What types of weight training do you prefer?
  • juliedor
    juliedor Posts: 72 Member
    Good on you for caring so much about your girlfriend.
    If she told you about MFP tell her you've looked at it and you want to do it to increase your health and fitness.Ask her to do it with you so you can motivate each other.If she doesn't want to, you do it she'll soon see the positives.
    Good luck.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    I think all though your intentions are good youre research might ultimately backfire. If she's not active on this site is she doing any other things to help herself?

    I'm a bit confused. Maybe she just wants to know you accept her body no mater what. How would telling her how to eat cause her to learn to love herself?

    You know learning to have a healthy relationship with your body and food is a bit like being a recovering alcoholic unless you admit you have a problem and take responsiblity for your self and do it for yourself all the best intentions in the world are for naught.

    Maybe I'm not clear on what exactly she or you want.
  • MrUNC50
    MrUNC50 Posts: 28
    I think all though your intentions are good youre research might ultimately backfire. If she's not active on this site is she doing any other things to help herself?

    I'm a bit confused. Maybe she just wants to know you accept her body no mater what. How would telling her how to eat cause her to learn to love herself?

    You know learning to have a healthy relationship with your body and food is a bit like being a recovering alcoholic unless you admit you have a problem and take responsiblity for your self and do it for yourself all the best intentions in the world are for naught.

    Maybe I'm not clear on what exactly she or you want.

    I understand what you are saying. I do fear all my research will backfire but she wants to to do this for herself but doesnt know how to accept help from others because she thinks its really criticism in disguise. I just want her to be the happy girl I know she is and can be, and not just when she is with me. Make sense?
  • melmonroe
    melmonroe Posts: 111
    I'd start by finding an activity that involves moving the body more that you can do together without adding food to the activity -- IE evening walks together holding hands etc. The exercise will help her feel better and maybe it will motivate her to make other changes on her own.

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