14 Year Old Step-Daughter

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Replies

  • bearkisses
    bearkisses Posts: 1,252 Member
    you sound like an awesome step-mom, i wish her the best on her journey! just always remind her that she can do it!
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
    Tie the conversation to sports and performance rather than weight and being "thin". Success in sports will enhance her self esteem (legitimately) and raise her popularity with her school mates. Its win-win.
  • lily653
    lily653 Posts: 18
    I want her to have a good relationship with food, to have a basic understanding of nutrition, portions, and calories in vs. calories out in hopes that she will never have to use a site like this to lose weight. I

    This is the best gift you can give her.
  • Keto_T
    Keto_T Posts: 673 Member
    Last night my 17 yo daughter wanted fast food and offered to get me some too. I asked her to look up calories for me so i could figure what I could have. She was amazed how many calories and how much sodium there was in different things. It was an accident for me but can you have her "help" you plan (and learn that way)?
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    Continue to be a role model and praise her like crazy no matter how small the effort
  • geekyjock76
    geekyjock76 Posts: 2,720 Member
    Since she is an athlete, use that as your avenue to helping her by explaining how proper and adequate nutritional intake will help her perform better and recover with softball and volleyball. As a growing, active teen, she needs to focus on that first and foremost, not about scale weight. Nutrition to help fuel and recover and exercise, such as body weight exercises, to help preserve lean body mass which is crucial for injury prevention in athletes.

    Do not let her do too much on her own. You and her father should take most of the responsibility in terms of calorie counting, portion control and so forth. I would, however, discuss what her favorite foods are so you can select the best choices which would lead to compliance. And don't be too strict in terms of food restrictions - she should still be able to eat pretty much everything provided that she stays within a certain calorie goal to accommodate her daily energy needs. Again, she is a developing, active girl whose energy needs are quite high. You can also begin educating her on basic principles such as the Energy Balance Equation, TDEE, what macronutritents do for the body, etc.

    If you wish to reduce her calories during sports season, only implement a small deficit, maybe 300-400 calories below what would be needed for her to maintain her weight so it does not negatively impact her recovery and training. So if she needs 2000 calories to maintain, then 1600-1700 would be a good estimate. Creating and maintaining (chronically) too large an energy deficit before her bone mass density has peaked can result in permanent loss which may not be recovered even with various therapies such as calcium supplementation and estrogen therapy.
  • neetneetneets
    neetneetneets Posts: 95 Member
    you're a fantastic step mum!
    I wish my mum had really listened to my pleas about my body image when I was your step daughter's age, and done more to help me. I'm still fighting with the habits I grew up with to do with food . . .

    If you do have to bring up 'calories', which not switch the word to 'energy'. That's more related to kj's, which is just th metric conversion of calories, but it doesn't have a (possible) negative connotation as calories do. Ie - that snack has a lot of energy in it - shall we go for a walk later? Poor example on my part but you may get what I mean. I think at that age it's all about healthy choices and portion control - not about the numbers. I've seen posters about how many teaspoons of sugar are in different drinks/teaspoons of fat in take-out food, something like that might be helpful as its visual but not really focussed on calories. I wish you the best of luck!
  • thedreamhazer
    thedreamhazer Posts: 1,156 Member
    Ask if she wants you to help and/or how you can help her. She is your kid, but she's also 14 -- she's becoming more and more independent and it's going to be important that she's allowed to be in charge of what help she gets. If you see her doing something wrong (eating too little, exercise bulimia, etc) you certainly need to intervene ... but otherwise let her dictate how you help her and how much.

    You can always lead her, too. Ask her if she wants you to do specific things. "Do you want me to workout with you/do you want to work out with me?"; "Do you want to help cook dinner?"; "Do you want to go grocery shopping with me?". That way you're asking, but also giving ideas so you don't just get that infamous teen shrug off.

    ETA: Echoing geekyjock -- I would not have her do calorie counting on her own. She's 14, after all. If she wants to count calories, you or her dad should take charge. But I would recommend steering clear of that and just helping her focus on food choices and portions instead.
  • islandnutshel
    islandnutshel Posts: 1,143 Member
    #1) Empower her to learn what her food choices mean by signing her up on myfitnesspal.

    #2) If you need more help, bring her to weight watchers.

    I respectfully dissagree, both would be not age appropriate. There is a reason MFP has an age limit.

    Keep up with the encouragement and good example. Keeping her interested in sports and activities. And some education in how nutrition is going to help her with the mentally in school and on the playing field could benefit.

    I think you are off to a great start.
  • nxd10
    nxd10 Posts: 4,570 Member
    Give her autonomy to make good choices - sounds like she's doing it.
    Suggest tools she can use and let her chose which ones to use and how
    COMPLIMENT her on her good choices
    Let her do it

    I write a blog of Psychology Today that focuses on parent-teen relations. You might find this one helpful:

    https://my.psychologytoday.com/blog/thinking-about-kids/201110/teens-respond-pleasure-not-pain-parent-accordingly

    It basically argues that kids are much more responsive to rewards than to future negatives. So compliments and 'you're going to do greats' are more effective than 'you'll be unhealthy' or 'you won't look good' or 'you'll never take it off later'.
  • sarahrbraun
    sarahrbraun Posts: 2,261 Member
    I have a 14-year-old step-daughter who is overweight. While she plays fast-pitch softball and school volleyball, she is very out of shape and has steadily put on weight over the last few years due to extremely poor eating habits. She wears a size 16 jeans, and my guess is that she is around 185 pounds at about 5'5" or so. Her poor eating habits are a result of her father (he has had full custody of her since she was a baby) who also has extremely poor eating habits. I don't buy junk food, but I can't control what my husband buys. I can only control what I and my 2 little ones consume. We also eat separate most of the time. When I cook dinner, they refuse to eat what I've cooked, so they eat out. When we eat out together, I know how to make healthier decisions. I have had many conversations with my husband about what he and my step-daughter eat, but I've come to accept that, when it comes to him, his health is something only HE can want to change. I can't push that on him, so I've let it rest. However, with our kids, their health is OUR responsibility. Although we have a great relationship, I'm her step-mom; if her dad doesn't see a problem with something, then my hands are tied.

    Recently, though, her dad has started to make comments to her about needing to go on a diet starting on New Year's so that she can be ready for softball this spring. While I don't agree with his methods (I would never tell her she needs to "go on a diet"), I'm glad he has realized that there is a problem. So last night, she started talking about all of these changes she's going to make: start eating breakfast, stop eating late-night snacks, start packing lunch, 1 roll instead of 4, smaller portions, 1 cup of sweet tea instead of 6, start running the hill in our back yard, etc. ***Let me add that she is an incredibly smart, funny, confident, selfless, helpful, and responsible young lady and a wonderful big sister to her two siblings (4 and 2). I don't see any poor self-esteem or negative body image issues with her. I only see a young girl being honest with herself about her weight and wanting to be the best athlete she can possibly be.

    However, I want to keep it that way. I am so excited that she wants to make healthy changes to her diet and be more active, but I am being really honest and admitting that I have no idea how to be encouraging to her without contributing to any kind of negative self image issues. She is 14! The last thing that I want is for her to start weighing herself and counting calories and whatnot. I just want her to feel better, to feel stronger and faster and perform better in her sports, but to do that, she has to lose some weight. She is finally admitting this to herself and seems ready to do the work, but she needs the support of her parents. Her dad isn't going to be a great support because he's not going to make any changes to his own diet or activity level. I'm the only person in her life who knows anything at all about a healthy and sustainable way to lose weight, but I don't want to overload her with all of the information I've learned on MFP. I want to keep it basic, but I want it to be effective.

    How can I help my 14-year-old step-daughter get in better shape without crushing her currently positive self-esteem?

    Thanks!

    Meg

    I think it is going to be important to focus on "getting healthier" rather than losing weight.

    I also think it might be easier on her if you just tell her that you noticed she is wanting to make healthier choices to get in shape for softball, and if she needs help/has questions, that you would be happy to help.

    also important for her to know that you love her for her heart and her mind, not for the size of her jeans or the number on the scale.
  • cgfol1
    cgfol1 Posts: 179 Member
    ***Let me add that she is an incredibly smart, funny, confident, selfless, helpful, and responsible young lady and a wonderful big sister to her two siblings (4 and 2). I don't see any poor self-esteem or negative body image issues with her. I only see a young girl being honest with herself about her weight and wanting to be the best athlete she can possibly be.

    Make sure you constantly remind her of this!!!!

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