Once An Anorexic (Always An Anorexic)

"Once an anorexic, always an anorexic." That's what I say to people when they ask me how I got over my eating disorders.

The closest I've ever been able to describe it as is dealing with alcoholism. There comes a point where you lose control and alcohol is no longer the escape, it's the drug. It's waking up at 8am and knowing the only thing that's going to get you through the day is having that first drink. It's waking up and knowing the only way you can survive and feel happy is if you can make it til 5pm before you eat a banana.

I've been anorexic. I've been bulimic. I've been addicted to exercise. I've been addicted to calorie counting. I was 17 the first time I threw up. I was sick for 4 years before I was able to manage my disease and felt free of the disorders for almost five years. And then it reared it's ugly head again, and now, almost a year later, I'm 26. Almost 10 years fighting this ugly, brutal, unforgivable battle.

Last year I reached out and asked my best friend for help. I gave her my scale and told her to put it where I would never find it. I asked her to pray for me and to help me in any way that she could. She told me,

"My dear, you have to get to a place where you work out so you can be healthy. Not so you can be skinny."

She had spoken to the core of my problem: my motivation. Everything I had done, all of my work, had been to be skinny. Somewhere along the line my need for control in an abusive relationship, my need to feel in control of a life that was spinning wildly out of control due to horrible decisions and tragic choices, that need had contorted itself into the need to be skinny. It had become my measure of success. If I was thin, I was succeeding. Fat meant failure.

Now, I am working to change how I think. A remodeling of sorts. When I run, I focus on a desire to have a strong stamina so I can play soccer with my sister and one day chase my children through the yard. When I do yoga it's so I maintain my flexibility and when I dance it's to move my spirit and my soul through moving my body. When I walk it's so I can enjoy nature and spend time with my thoughts. When I swim it's so I can feel the power of my own body moving through the water. When I choose yogurt over a doughnut, when I eat a salad instead of macaroni & cheese and ice cream, it's so I can be healthy, so I can be in shape, NOT so I can be skinny.

So this is a shout-out of sorts, to all my sisters and brothers out there who are or have struggled with an or many eating disorders. You're not alone. You're not crazy. You're not hopeless. We can do this. We can remodel how we think. We can get to the deeper issue behind our disorders and mend that wound so we can be healthy inside and out. I believe in me and I believe in you. We are strong and we will overcome.

If you're genuinely struggling with an eating disorder, find someone you trust that you can talk to about what's going on in your life. Don't find a friend who's going to enable you or justify your actions. Find someone who is going to love you through your struggle but not permit you to continue hurting yourself. Please, for you, and for the rest of us, get well. And share your story. I'll look forward to hearing it.

With love always,
Grace