When Anorexics Try to Add You

2»

Replies

  • Subowski
    Subowski Posts: 71
    i actually think this thread is useful.

    alot of people don't know how to deal with friend requests like these. reading this thread will serve a purpose by giving them a way to respond that is both helpful to the person with the ED, while also not causing any self-esteem issues to the person with the ED.

    if we can get this thread to be about the GENERAL case of such requests, instead of about this specific individual, then this thread serves a purpose.

    I agree. Let's not give the OP a hard time. Personally I might have accepted the request, kept an eye on what she had to say, and offer some gentle encouragement to get help if I could without preaching, dictating, criticising or triggering......she wouldn't be hurting me by being on my list, but maybe I could help her.
  • danasings
    danasings Posts: 8,218 Member

    OK I will play nicely. When I get these requests, I send a polite note saying that judging from their profiles, their goals are not in alignment with mine, and I can't be supportive to those people who are, in my opinion, intentionally hurting themselves, but that I would be happy to support them in their recovery, if at some point they choose to take that path, and they can feel free to request me again and I will accept when that time hopefully comes.

    (apologies for epic run-on sentence)

    This is the right answer, IMO. (And I am in recovery from bulimia, so my opinion means a lot. Lol)
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
    Terrible thread. People suffering from eating disorders do need help, and definitely don't need public shaming. It's certainly your choice whether you choose to add them to your network here, but this post is uncalled for.

    This. The op clearly needs an education. People with eating disorders are people first and this shaming is pure stupidity. Do you also unfriend people that are obese in real life? We all have our dysfunctions and diseases and someone with an eating disorder is caught up in something very unvoluntary. It's your choice if you want to be there to support or not and help but actually shaming is counter-productive and creates a wall of us/them.

    Shame on the op for her thread.
  • 92_sweetheart
    92_sweetheart Posts: 131 Member
    Terrible thread. People suffering from eating disorders do need help, and definitely don't need public shaming. It's certainly your choice whether you choose to add them to your network here, but this post is uncalled for.

    This. The op clearly needs an education. People with eating disorders are people first and this shaming is pure stupidity. Do you also unfriend people that are obese in real life? We all have our dysfunctions and diseases and someone with an eating disorder is caught up in something very unvoluntary. It's your choice if you want to be there to support or not and help but actually shaming is counter-productive and creates a wall of us/them.

    Shame on the op for her thread.

    This!
  • PetulantOne
    PetulantOne Posts: 2,131 Member

    OK I will play nicely. When I get these requests, I send a polite note saying that judging from their profiles, their goals are not in alignment with mine, and I can't be supportive to those people who are, in my opinion, intentionally hurting themselves, but that I would be happy to support them in their recovery, if at some point they choose to take that path, and they can feel free to request me again and I will accept when that time hopefully comes.

    (apologies for epic run-on sentence)

    This is the right answer, IMO. (And I am in recovery from bulimia, so my opinion means a lot. Lol)

    IMO as well. I went down both roads as a teenager. So I understand where they are coming from, but at the same time cannot support someone who isn't actively trying to change.
  • BriannaBanana831
    BriannaBanana831 Posts: 5 Member
    dont judge us and we won't judge you. mmkay thanks.
  • BriannaBanana831
    BriannaBanana831 Posts: 5 Member
    Please get educated. It's not "intentional." Eating disorders are mental illnesses, and in fact, Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any other mental disorder.

    **jmx - didn't see your post until after i posted mine! thank you! glad there are some individuals who understand!**


    THIS!!!!!!!!!
  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
    OK I will play nicely. When I get these requests, I send a polite note saying that judging from their profiles, their goals are not in alignment with mine, and I can't be supportive to those people who are, in my opinion, intentionally hurting themselves, but that I would be happy to support them in their recovery, if at some point they choose to take that path, and they can feel free to request me again and I will accept when that time hopefully comes.

    (apologies for epic run-on sentence)

    This is how I handle requests from ED folks who are not interested in recovery. I thank them for their interest and tell them that unfortunately I can't be in contact with them. It's often triggering to me. I let them know that when they are ready to seek help and need support with that, I'll be there for them. I have several friends on my list who ARE in recovery - I don't let the fact that they have an ED be an all-encompassing blanket reason to not friend them.

    There's no need to be rude or brusque. They are suffering, too.
  • Lady_Bane
    Lady_Bane Posts: 720 Member
    Try to give them advise.
    I used to be anorexic and bulemic.....I still have the pants that I wore when I was.
    I tell people that I find are starving themselves about my past.....
    the most interesting part about all of it is:

    I eat a lot....and lift.....I was 125 when I was starving myself, I bounce around 130 currently, and my anorexic pants are super baggy on me. Thin does not equal fit.....I am fit and look better than those that don't eat, and not eating was much harder work than spending an hour lifting and eating like a beast :P
  • annwyatt69
    annwyatt69 Posts: 727 Member
    OMG some child starving herself to death tried to add me. I say child because she's only 18. Current weight is only 87 pounds!!!! Goal weight 80 pounds!!! What in the actual eff! And she has a pic up, she is rail thin and bony, this is not a very short person! Of course I declined, and reported the profile using the contact form on the site. I feel awful. I have a child that's 18, (my kids are 23, 18, and 15) and I would be so terrified and heartbroken if they wanted to destroy themselves. My goodness. What on earth could be so wrong with your life that you would intentionally do this to yourself??

    This is a HORRIBLE post! As a person who personally battled EDs for many, many years, you are certainly very judgmental. These young people (and adults) who suffer need guidance and friendship, encouragement and understanding, NOT to be criticized and ridiculed. I agree that this should not be dealt with in the forums!!!!!!
  • DuhhMuffin
    DuhhMuffin Posts: 198
    Honestly, OP, she probably doesn't see herself as skin and bones.


    skinnyme_zps3050b62f.jpg
    I'm 5'4'' and was probably about 140 in this picture, and I could barely tell the difference between myself and someone who weighed 250 lbs. Self esteem issues really mess with your head.

    Looking back and being as big as I am, I see how silly I was.
  • Lady_Bane
    Lady_Bane Posts: 720 Member
    All of you people who are calling her judgmental......you do realize that you are judging her right? Maybe she meant it with the best intentions, and just worded it wrong! This is why I hate the forums, or even posting in them.....you get burned at the stake by making a mistake or saying something the wrong way. If people don't tiptoe around you guys, heaven forbid. Makes me sick.
  • Thomasm198
    Thomasm198 Posts: 3,189 Member
    OMG some child starving herself to death tried to add me. I say child because she's only 18. Current weight is only 87 pounds!!!! Goal weight 80 pounds!!! What in the actual eff! And she has a pic up, she is rail thin and bony, this is not a very short person! Of course I declined, and reported the profile using the contact form on the site. I feel awful. I have a child that's 18, (my kids are 23, 18, and 15) and I would be so terrified and heartbroken if they wanted to destroy themselves. My goodness. What on earth could be so wrong with your life that you would intentionally do this to yourself??
    Are you even aware that eating disorders are an illness?

    A little knowledge and learning can be a very useful thing in life.
  • fatty_to_fitty
    fatty_to_fitty Posts: 544 Member
    For someone who would be horrified to think their children are going through this you seem to have a cr*p attitude towards someone who reached out to you.

    If you don't wanna add them you could just ignore it.

    People have eating disorders for lots of reasons. For some people it's the only thing in their life they can control, or not eating makes them feel cleaner or purer because food is bad. Which I am sure most 'dieters' on here can relate to.

    Rude uneducated post.
  • zombie_porno
    zombie_porno Posts: 199 Member
    How ignorant can a person be? First of all, it's cruel to call someone out on their mental disorders in such a public way. Secondly, she is not CHOOSING to do this, she has an illness. Thirdly, several of my MFP friends suffer from eating disorders but are using this site to help them with their recovery so they can try & be healthier. Good to know that so many people on here would rather report people who truly need support & compassion.
  • GiftsbyNature
    GiftsbyNature Posts: 54 Member
    JUST . STOP. TALKING. ABOUT IT.

    Triggering / Negitive / Postive/ it doesn't matter we all agree it shouldn't be up here but by replying all we are doing it bumping it to the top. Just report it and let it float to the bottom, for her sake. I know I'm doing the same thing but I asking for it to STOP to egging it on. There is a chance she hasn't seen it and we know it has triggered others so please just stop replying - flag it, and let it sink to the bottom of the board.
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
    I don't understand all the coddling and tip-toeing around the issue. Hello, people are starving themselves to death and we're not supposed to say anything? Or nicely say, please stop starving yourself? And I'm supposed to worry about 'triggering' her or making her feel bad?? Um, what about triggering me and making me feel bad? I was a teen in the 80s and knew girls who did this (and bulimia) one had to be hospitalized. She never came back to school and her parents moved away, so we never even found out if she recovered or died. This triggered me into remembering all the revulsion and the horror I felt at the time.

    Maybe if she sees this thread she'll think twice about putting her eating disorder all up in someone else's face.

    And I 'could have been the help she needed'? How? I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist, I am not trained or equipped to deal with this madness. And even if I were, it would be unprofessional and unethical to provide treatment and therapy to a stranger online. What kind of help could I possibly give to someone who thinks 80 pounds is a good goal weight??

    Also, this person has over 600 friends!!! They are getting plenty of attention and encouragement. This is sick! 600+ people are willing to stand by and watch this girl whittle herself to the bone. My word, I just can't believe this, it's an outrage!
  • leantool
    leantool Posts: 365 Member
    OMG some child starving herself to death tried to add me. I say child because she's only 18. Current weight is only 87 pounds!!!! Goal weight 80 pounds!!! What in the actual eff! And she has a pic up, she is rail thin and bony, this is not a very short person! Of course I declined, and reported the profile using the contact form on the site. I feel awful. I have a child that's 18, (my kids are 23, 18, and 15) and I would be so terrified and heartbroken if they wanted to destroy themselves. My goodness. What on earth could be so wrong with your life that you would intentionally do this to yourself??
    i have such a little girl in my friendlist. its true they need professional help, but it won't hurt if i can talk to her soothingly, and if give her a space to unburden her soul.she must be in a lot of pain, i don't think it would do her any good if we, so called normal responsible people ostracized them. we all are fighting our demons here, let's not hurt another if we can't heal...
  • Hazel2005
    Hazel2005 Posts: 175 Member
    So, I am fairly new to this site and see a lot of members and threads regarding this issue. I would also like to know the best way to deal with it. My understanding is this site isn't just about weight loss, it is about health and fitness. But this issue doesn't fall into the weight loss or fitness category - it is dangerously unhealthy and as many of you have said, an illness. I'm not a doctor and I just don't know what to do when I have received an invite from a member who has an ED. I have checked people's profiles and diary if available, their goals etc. when I receive an invite, but if it is obvious they have an issue, I don't know what to do. I wouldn't know if someone is in recovery or not, I can clearly see by someones diary that they are not eating enough ( when it is 300 calories or less I'm thinking it is not enough) and I am not comfortable nor am I qualified to deal with it. Is there really a good way to deal with it? You either hurt them or enable them. It seems like a no win situation :cry:
  • Olivia
    Olivia Posts: 10,137 MFP Staff
    Dear Posters,

    I want to provide an explanation for locking this topic and editing the OP...

    Our community guidelines state that:

    6. No Intentionally Hurtful Topics

    Topics which are started with the intent to belittle others, either directly named or through enough descriptive commentary to be possibly identified, are prohibited. This includes stalking a poster through the forums, posting about past events gone sour, divulging personal information, or spreading gossip or rumors. At our discretion, any post referring to the behavior or posts of other users of the site will be removed.

    I don't think that the OP intended this topic to be intentionally hurtful and I wanted to take this opportunity to remind folks about a few of our guidelines and how best to report problems related to individuals on the site.

    From our community guidelines and terms of service:
    3. No Promotion of Unsafe Weight-Loss Techniques or Eating Disorders

    a) Posts intended to promote potentially unsafe or controversial weight loss products or procedures, including non-medically prescribed supplements or MLM products will be removed without warning.
    b) Profiles, groups, messages, posts, or wall comments that encourage anorexia, bulimia, or very low calorie diets of any kind will be removed, and may be grounds for account deletion. This includes positive references to ana/mia, purging, or self-starving. Our goal is to provide users with the tools to achieve their weight management goals at a steady, sustainable rate. Use of the site to promote or glamorize dangerously low levels of eating is not permitted.
    c) Photos intended to glamorize extreme thinness will be deleted.
    d) Those seeking support in their recovery from eating disorders are welcome at MyFitnessPal.

    4. Show Respect to All Groups and Individuals

    No derogatory references to sex, gender, weight, body-type, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation, or endorsement of violence against any person or group, even if couched in humor, will be permitted. This includes expressing stereotypes about any group or community.


    When individual users are in violation of our guidelines or our terms of service, which require members to be at least 18 years of age, please do not report or discuss this publicly, but report the individual to our staff or to our moderators for us to review and handle the situation. It is important that we treat all individuals with respect and communicate directly and privately with them on personal matters. Thanks to all of our members for working together to make the MFP community a friendly, supportive, healthy place.

    Respectfully,
    Olivia
    MFP Staff
This discussion has been closed.

Categories