Struggling

been2boston · January 2013

For some reason, I thought this time, everything would "click". And it did. Logging everything that went into my mouth was easy. Watching the numbers on the scale go down- awesome. Feeling better and healthier than I had in years- amazing.

Then, 2 months ago, one of my students died. I teach significantly impaired students who have complex health issues. She was 13, and aside from her chronic issues, wasn't "sick". Helping my other students and my staff get through this was hard, but didn't impact my eating or exercising; in fact, it made me feel so much better to stay on track. I kept losing.

Then it was the holidays. I hate the holidays, for a variety of reasons. I knew they would be hard, but I had a plan- workout every day (easier on school vacation!), eat the healthy foods I had in the house, be more active, get enough sleep. It was difficult with the sweets that the parents kept sending into the classroom, but not impossible. I just kept going. It was a plan, a routine, a habit now.

Then, two days before Christmas, I got a call that one of my staff members, and good friends, had passed away suddenly. She was only a couple of years older than me, and hadn't been sick. Home, visiting her family, and didn't wake up the next day. I was completely knocked off track. I remember thinking "I can't do this again", and asking my boss to make the phone calls notifying people of her passing; I had just done this 2 months ago, and it was too much. I was on my way to a yoga class when I found out; didn't end up going- I was crying too much in my car, and couldn't drive. What the hell was happening? I couldn't deal; I decided that I would give myself the holiday week to eat whatever I wanted, to pay more attention to figuring out how to cope with this latest loss, and how to help my students yet again deal with and understand the loss of someone who loved them.

I haven't been back on track since. I've tried, each day, but old habits that I thought were long gone are back- grabbing some chocolate at the store, having that extra piece of whatever, drinking soda. And my new habits of taking long walks with the dog have been put on hold by weather- and then by my just not wanting to go do anything at all. After all, the couch is much more enjoyable than the cold outside.

So I'm up a couple of pounds. I do NOT want to end up back where I started. How do I get my brain back on track? I'm so down (yes, I'm seeing a therapist, taking meds, all that), I'm having such a hard time seeing the upside to anything, dreading work (which I usually love), and horribly missing my student, my friend, and my brother and mother (both of whom passed away years ago). I just want to go to bed.

And eat chocolate.

And frosting.

And go back to sleep.

Any help or ideas would be much appreciate. Thank you in advance.

RobynMWilson · January 2013

Ok, does the food make you feel any better afterward? Or do you feel sick, guilty, disgusted, and still sad on top of it?

Recall how you felt after taking those long walks. Did the exercise feel good buzzies kick in? That's what keeps me working out...it's my anti-depressant, my anti-anxiety medication, and my anti-aches and pains medication. When I can't work out because I get sick or whatever, WATCH OUT! I'm off the hook mean, stressed out, negative, and I don't sleep well!

There are plenty of at-home, in house workouts you can do during winter! I'm adding you now! You can do this!

amielizabeth1 · January 2013

Oh, honey, let yourself grieve! You are on a long journey, not a short race. There are sure to be obstacles along the way, and you have done great so far. My heart goes out to you in your pain- be kind to yourself. Only time will help.

manderson27 · January 2013

I am so sorry that you are having to go through so much loss and heartbreak.

No words can help heal your heart, depression and a feeling of "what is the point" is all part of the grieving process. There are several stages of grief that we all need to go through before we can reach acceptance of our losses. Time is the only thing that aids this recovery.

One thought is that perhaps the people you lost would not want you to neglect yourself. I am sure they would want you to look after yourself and keep up all the hard work you have put in to getting to a healthier place.

Be kind to yourself and keep trying even if only in small ways to get back into your good habits, it will help you feel better in the long run.

My heart goes out to you at such a sad time and I hope you will be able to come to terms with your losses soon.

Maureen

2hobbit1 · January 2013

So sorry for your loss. Please do not heap extra pressure on yourself - give yourself permission and time to grieve. This process will be different for every one. It takes Time but you will get there.
Baby steps - find some sun shine - sit and soak it up, listen to the birds, find the early flower. Get out in the fresh air!

Just go for a walk as often as you can. Depression/grief is helped with motion, sunlight, meditation. Celebrate the gifts your friend brought to your life and find a way to honor her.

I work in an Pediatric Oncology setting so i know how passings can come in bunches - don't be afraid to talk to your friends about your feelings - I'm sure that your co-workers share them as well. Seek out professional help for your self and your coworkers - may schools have grief counselors available. Use them - they will help a lot!
We have a Psych process meeting on a regular basis to help those who are struggling with this issue to find coping strategies - it is well worth it.

Your struggles at this point do not mean you are weak or a failure they just mean that you are a kind and caring person. Please reach out and take care of your self!

Keysted · January 2013

I'm sorry you are struggling, life can be cruel sometimes. I hope it would help to know that we have all been there and have suffered along with you. You will get through this, just give yourself time, let yourself grieve. And I agree with the person who said take baby steps...

Espressocycle · January 2013

I think finding a way to exercise is your best bet. it always makes me feel better. But motivation is always hard.

dumeta · January 2013

Take your time and feel the loss and pain, it is ok. Life is hard and always throws curve balls, but it does not last forever. In time, you will find a place for this loss and get back on track so be easy on yourself. I will send a special prayer up for you.

AABru · January 2013

If you were here, in front of me, I would start by giving you a big, big hug. I also am an educator and have had years when I have lost both students and collegues (and family). It sucks, and as much as you think old habits won't creep up on you, they always seem to. I will make a suggestion that my doctor made to me when we were talking about my depression the year my daughter was born (my grandma died, my cousin died, I lost a student to a car accident and I had to put my dog down...I was just thankful I had a baby and toddler to keep me going). She gave me two options: exercise or start meds. I was nursing my infant and didn't want meds to affect the baby, so I started walking the dog...just like you did. But LONG walks. I'd put my son (who was two) in the back carrier and my daughter in the front carrier and walk for hours with the dog. It helped that I was on maternity leave and had the time to walk, but getting out, in the sunshine and moving saved me from myself. I live in Ohio, so the weather isn't aways the greatest, but being outside helped. That year I spent a ton of time reconnecting with my garden as well. I spent hours trimming bushes and planting new plants.If you have the time, I suggest a little time off of work to walk your dog and recover from the deaths of your loved ones. I'm so glad you are seeing a therapist already. So, put your computer to sleep and grab the leash...it's time to walk my friend...:flowerforyou:

ahannan1966 · January 2013

It is undoubtedly so easy to go back to old habits when times are tough - it is what we all know and gives us security. I have suffered with depression on and off for years and am definitely a glass half-empty person. A friend made a suggestion that this year, I should keep a big jar and every time something good happens, write it down and put it in the jar. Next xmas, open the jar and look back at all the good things that happened. I know you have good, positive things in your life as well as all the heartache you are now going through - perhaps this will help you focus on the things that make you smile, rather than the things that make you cry.
It's already the 6th of january and I haven't yet got my jar - but after reading your post, I'm going to start now. Good luck.

karenbrooks14661 · January 2013

Dear Friend,
so many others have written all the things i would say too! i am so sorry for the sad & hard things you are going through at the moment, take time to grieve, talking to others really helps, fresh air while walking the dog are good for the dog, take every opportunity to get out and go somewhere even if its just to the shop for a paper, an old friend once said to me "get out or go under", she caught the bus into town everyday, just so she could talk to others on the bus, the shop, or the cafe where she had a cup of tea, (yes, i'm english!!), you will survive this, it will get better just a little bit every day, baby steps, book a holiday, (i think you call them vacations) to somewhere new, so you have something to look forward to.
please take time to look after yourself, eat healthily, drink wisely & take control of what you can, Oprah says " let go of what you cant control", there was nothing you could do to help your collegue or student, but take something positive out of their life, they knew you, and i am sure you enriched their life, enrich others!
kx

eileenchristine · January 2013

Rough times. Read most of the responses and there were some great ideas, but not sure I saw anything bout counseling.

My closest sibling died when I was on vacation in Europe. I dealt with that guilt for years cause many problems. Finally found a good therapist and was on meds for 18 months sorting out the miasma of depression. Yes walking is good for your brain and exercise can give you good feelings, but how to start when you just don't want to move and just brushing your teeth is an effort?

Maybe get some grief counseling, just so you can talk it all out. Its hard and I didn't want to be a burden to any one. I was sick of talking about it and trying to make sense out of it for myself, but it takes what it takes and a counselor is getting paid to listen. Nothing wrong with getting help so you can get back to what you want to be doing.

You have come a long ways, don't give up now. Nothing wrong with asking for help.

Namaste,
C

myogibbs · January 2013

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. You have always been such an inspiration to me when I log on...I agree with the others on here that you have to give yourself time to grieve. You are not failing because you have gained a few pounds...I know that feeling, b/c the holidays got to me & I did too. You are human. And more than that, you are a compassionate and loving person who has lost two people whom you were close to...and cared about. You don't just turn that off. There are stages of grief...I am sure you and your counselor are working through them now, and you have to allow yourself to go through them...on your own time. I do think forcing yourself to move is a good idea...fake it until you make it...there has been a lot of research to suggest if you change your behaviors, your mood will follow. That sounds trite & I don't mean it to sound that way. It does work though. You also have to give the meds time to work. You most likely won't need them forever. What you are going through is not normal every day life & you need help to process all of this. Just take baby steps and lean on us here....we love you and support you!!!! Message me if you need to vent or talk...

been2boston · January 2013

Thank you to everyone who replied to me; I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me. I did take your advice- got bundled up and took the pup for a walk, then headed to the dog park. Even made myself go to a yoga class this afternoon.

A few things people have brought up- yes, I am seeing a therapist, and the meds are a long term thing- I have a history of depression and have struggled for over 10 years with it. Obviously, current events have made things worse.

The school is providing some counseling for us, finally. We are a very close team, so I'm glad we will be able to get some help together. A lot of my time has been spent taking care of the students, making sure they have space to grieve; thank you for the reminders to let myself do the same.

And for the reminders that this is a long haul thing- it's something I've been telling myself since the beginning, and have forgotten lately. This isn't a diet, it's a change in lifestyle.

Thank you again for all of the kind words and support. I know I'll be back for more help.

With love...

karenbrooks14661 · January 2013

hi,
well done on doing something! am sure the dog enjoyed itself! nobody saod life was fair or easy, i know from all the rubbish stuff that i have been through that i am not alone, stuff happens, the trick is to find YOUR own way to deal with it, everyone is different, i chucked the meds away and found out who my true friends were, and joined in lots of things!
good luck, be kind to yourself, feel free to chat back, i am here, even if a very long way away!
kx

Struggling

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