Now accepting a few new friends.

I am not new but I am now accepting a few new friends.

WARNING:
I am not very motivating or supportive.
I do not have any workout tips or diet advice.
I really don't care about your weight loss "journey"
I eat lots of cheeseburgers.

But anyway, I log everyday and my friends LOVE me.

You may apply now.................

Not motivating or supportive...I can live with that.
I don't diet and workout occasionally...so don't really need help with that.

Could you help me out with pooping in my neighbor's yard? They're really starting to piss me off. Or maybe you could show me how to wake them up in the middle of the night...

I don't really care about your weight loss journey either...you look just fine to me.
I eat lots of tacos...

Before I apply I feel we should talk about my compensation...is this an hourly position or will I be paid a salary?
I prefer cash...

Hmmm sounds good! I'm extremely proficient at reclining, slacking off, passing my work off to others...and troubleshooting files for print production! I'm also good with Adobe software on both Mac and PC's...