My confessions to myself.
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NaeTrujillo
Posts: 44
I would like to take the time to make this post to let my friends know why I have withdrawn and stopped being supportive. Everyone is welcome to this post but it is mostly intended for my friends on here but is going to be to obscenly long for a status update. And I must admit, this post is actually more for me than anyone else. I just need to be honest with myself.
Here it goes....
I am going to start by explaining the root of the problems and thereby delving in to my past. I grew up the youngest of 6 children to a father who quit his last real job the day before I was born, held a couple odds and end jobs over the years before giving up and taking disability while I was young. It seemed he felt like his true job was to lay on the couch all day screaming and blaming his children for everything. My mom worked and tried to stay away as much as possible. A simple trip to the store would end up taking all day because she didnt feel like being home dealing with issues. When she was home she would either pretend to be invisible or throwing a fit and threatening suicide because nobody loved her. My oldest sister would be wildly emotional and irrational and I have many scars to show it. I had to start counsling in 9th grade because my teacher over heard me telling my friend that I would rather be dead then keep living like I was. The psychologist actually recommended my parents let me live somewhere else and they laughed at him and I never got to go back.
When I was old enought to realize how much parents impacted their childrens lives I swore I was never going to have children. In 10th grade I was taken out of school for migranes and ended up getting a job as well. I started drinking and smoking to deal with the stress and ended up losing 30-40 lbs. I was still overweight but I felt great and started gaining a lot more self confidance. Even with the new self confidence I dont think I believed I was actually allowed to have good friends and started hanging out with all the wrong sort of people and being in the wrong places. I started dating a guy who after a few months claimed I was his soul mate and he never wanted to be without me. Trying to prove it he carved my name acros his enitre calf. Needless to say it creeped me out and we ended up having a bad break up in which the police were called. I did have a few good friends during that time. My brother in laws sister became my best friend and my rock and to this day still is. I made friends with a guy that worked with me at the grocery store and a guy that delivered Pepsi products to the store. But besides those couple I ended up spending every day with someone who just got out of prison that I viewed as my best friend. I was headed down a very bad path and didnt care. Shortly after turning 18 my "best friend" that had been in prison betrayed me in one of the worst ways a person can and turned my world completely upside down. As a result I ended up moving in with my sister and getting my act together and while what happend still hurts and gets hard to deal with I cant regret it. I turned my life around and after a few months when I was becoming happy with myself and my friend that had delivered pepsi called I was able to know I did deserve to be happy and agreed to go on a date with him. 10 days later we were engaged and were married 4 months later we were married. Right before I was married my dad ended up being life flighted twice in a week and was put in a care center for a few months. In that process he lost most of his memory and turned in to a completly different person and so did my mom. I am now best friends with both of them.
A little more than a year later I found out I was pregnant and was actually very excited. My husband started acting up and being stupid though my pregnancy and our daughters first 6 months of life. We actually almost got divorced because of it but we worked though it and got stronger and I'm very happy we did, he is the most amazing man I've ever met. By the time my daughters first birthday came around we were doing great as a family. When I saw the pictures from her party I was absolutely disgusted with myself at how much I had let myself go. In the 3 years I had been with my husband I had been in a car wreck that fractured my back, a desk job, and a pregnancy I had packed on a whopping 65 lbs. At that point I made a change and over the next 8 months I lost 40 lbs. In that time I decided that while I felt like I was a pretty good mom to her if we had any more kids I would end up being a crappy mom to both as I felt like I couldnt handle the stress. I got a job so I had some time out of the house and was begining to transform my body. Just days after reaching my 40 lb mark I found out I was pregnant again despite being on birth control and, I'm ashamed to say, I was heartbroken. I spent weeks crying and depressed. I felt so bad doing that to my daughter as I was sure I was going to become my parents and wouldnt be able to handle the stress.
I had a very bad pregnancy and in the begining we werent sure if my body was going to be able to handle the stress and it only got more touch and go from there. I didnt talk about it with friends or family because I couldnt bring myself to acknowlege my situation. I ended up having a healthy baby boy. Aside from having a milk allergy and getting upset if his formula isnt working right he is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Despite that fact my fears seem to have been realistic. Things were tough for a while but I was making it through until my parents, who were now my best friends and my biggest support system aside from my husband, told me they were moving 4 hours away to help my grandparents and they needed me to help them keep up on their house (30 min away from me) every week. I was devistated but had to be strong and get things done. I guess the stress was too much and I cracked. I had lost my parents, my friends were either moving or didnt talk to me anymore, and a couple of them were usuing me. I ended up withdrawing from everyone and reacting badly when I tried to talk to people which only made the situation worse as I ended up phrasing things wrong and over reacting because I was so exhausted physically and mentally I couldnt concentrate on a day to day situation. It finally escalated and it got to the point where my head kept telling me that my family didnt deserve to have me bringing them down and I just needed to pack up and leave and let them live their life without me because it would be easier for them and they would be happier. I ended up sitting my husband down and telling him thats how I felt and he begged me not to go. I told him I didnt want to but felt like it was selfish to stay.
About this time is when I deleted my first account. I made a second account that included only a couple of friends I had made in the ETL group and while I try to be pro active and work on myself its rough. I have started working towards being healthy again and am taking it in small steps. I try to eat as much plant based and whole as I can but if I am craving something (like meat or sweets) very badly I will have a small serving.
So I want to appologize to all my friends on here for being an absentee friend. I do log in and check to see how you are doing even if I dont comment. I have stopped logging my food altogether because I have learned that if I am logging I do great for about a week but then I get so overwhelmed I break down and fall off the wagon all together. My days generally consist of me trying to keep up on the house and not break down in to a sobbing mess because I feel like I'm a complete failure. My plan at this point is to eat the best I can and slowly add in exercise and really get my life put back together. I am trying to learn it is ok to have faults and to have bad days and to not always be the strong one for everyone else. Its ok to break down every once in a while as long as I learn and try to do better. I may not be who I want to be right now but the fact that I can recognize that makes me feel better and as long as I'm trying to make myself better there is still hope.
Please believe me when I say I am not saying any of this to get sympathy but I have avoided talking about it and I think its time for me to get it off my chest just for me. Even if no one reads this, it helped to get it out. If you did read it I hope it made sense.
Here it goes....
I am going to start by explaining the root of the problems and thereby delving in to my past. I grew up the youngest of 6 children to a father who quit his last real job the day before I was born, held a couple odds and end jobs over the years before giving up and taking disability while I was young. It seemed he felt like his true job was to lay on the couch all day screaming and blaming his children for everything. My mom worked and tried to stay away as much as possible. A simple trip to the store would end up taking all day because she didnt feel like being home dealing with issues. When she was home she would either pretend to be invisible or throwing a fit and threatening suicide because nobody loved her. My oldest sister would be wildly emotional and irrational and I have many scars to show it. I had to start counsling in 9th grade because my teacher over heard me telling my friend that I would rather be dead then keep living like I was. The psychologist actually recommended my parents let me live somewhere else and they laughed at him and I never got to go back.
When I was old enought to realize how much parents impacted their childrens lives I swore I was never going to have children. In 10th grade I was taken out of school for migranes and ended up getting a job as well. I started drinking and smoking to deal with the stress and ended up losing 30-40 lbs. I was still overweight but I felt great and started gaining a lot more self confidance. Even with the new self confidence I dont think I believed I was actually allowed to have good friends and started hanging out with all the wrong sort of people and being in the wrong places. I started dating a guy who after a few months claimed I was his soul mate and he never wanted to be without me. Trying to prove it he carved my name acros his enitre calf. Needless to say it creeped me out and we ended up having a bad break up in which the police were called. I did have a few good friends during that time. My brother in laws sister became my best friend and my rock and to this day still is. I made friends with a guy that worked with me at the grocery store and a guy that delivered Pepsi products to the store. But besides those couple I ended up spending every day with someone who just got out of prison that I viewed as my best friend. I was headed down a very bad path and didnt care. Shortly after turning 18 my "best friend" that had been in prison betrayed me in one of the worst ways a person can and turned my world completely upside down. As a result I ended up moving in with my sister and getting my act together and while what happend still hurts and gets hard to deal with I cant regret it. I turned my life around and after a few months when I was becoming happy with myself and my friend that had delivered pepsi called I was able to know I did deserve to be happy and agreed to go on a date with him. 10 days later we were engaged and were married 4 months later we were married. Right before I was married my dad ended up being life flighted twice in a week and was put in a care center for a few months. In that process he lost most of his memory and turned in to a completly different person and so did my mom. I am now best friends with both of them.
A little more than a year later I found out I was pregnant and was actually very excited. My husband started acting up and being stupid though my pregnancy and our daughters first 6 months of life. We actually almost got divorced because of it but we worked though it and got stronger and I'm very happy we did, he is the most amazing man I've ever met. By the time my daughters first birthday came around we were doing great as a family. When I saw the pictures from her party I was absolutely disgusted with myself at how much I had let myself go. In the 3 years I had been with my husband I had been in a car wreck that fractured my back, a desk job, and a pregnancy I had packed on a whopping 65 lbs. At that point I made a change and over the next 8 months I lost 40 lbs. In that time I decided that while I felt like I was a pretty good mom to her if we had any more kids I would end up being a crappy mom to both as I felt like I couldnt handle the stress. I got a job so I had some time out of the house and was begining to transform my body. Just days after reaching my 40 lb mark I found out I was pregnant again despite being on birth control and, I'm ashamed to say, I was heartbroken. I spent weeks crying and depressed. I felt so bad doing that to my daughter as I was sure I was going to become my parents and wouldnt be able to handle the stress.
I had a very bad pregnancy and in the begining we werent sure if my body was going to be able to handle the stress and it only got more touch and go from there. I didnt talk about it with friends or family because I couldnt bring myself to acknowlege my situation. I ended up having a healthy baby boy. Aside from having a milk allergy and getting upset if his formula isnt working right he is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Despite that fact my fears seem to have been realistic. Things were tough for a while but I was making it through until my parents, who were now my best friends and my biggest support system aside from my husband, told me they were moving 4 hours away to help my grandparents and they needed me to help them keep up on their house (30 min away from me) every week. I was devistated but had to be strong and get things done. I guess the stress was too much and I cracked. I had lost my parents, my friends were either moving or didnt talk to me anymore, and a couple of them were usuing me. I ended up withdrawing from everyone and reacting badly when I tried to talk to people which only made the situation worse as I ended up phrasing things wrong and over reacting because I was so exhausted physically and mentally I couldnt concentrate on a day to day situation. It finally escalated and it got to the point where my head kept telling me that my family didnt deserve to have me bringing them down and I just needed to pack up and leave and let them live their life without me because it would be easier for them and they would be happier. I ended up sitting my husband down and telling him thats how I felt and he begged me not to go. I told him I didnt want to but felt like it was selfish to stay.
About this time is when I deleted my first account. I made a second account that included only a couple of friends I had made in the ETL group and while I try to be pro active and work on myself its rough. I have started working towards being healthy again and am taking it in small steps. I try to eat as much plant based and whole as I can but if I am craving something (like meat or sweets) very badly I will have a small serving.
So I want to appologize to all my friends on here for being an absentee friend. I do log in and check to see how you are doing even if I dont comment. I have stopped logging my food altogether because I have learned that if I am logging I do great for about a week but then I get so overwhelmed I break down and fall off the wagon all together. My days generally consist of me trying to keep up on the house and not break down in to a sobbing mess because I feel like I'm a complete failure. My plan at this point is to eat the best I can and slowly add in exercise and really get my life put back together. I am trying to learn it is ok to have faults and to have bad days and to not always be the strong one for everyone else. Its ok to break down every once in a while as long as I learn and try to do better. I may not be who I want to be right now but the fact that I can recognize that makes me feel better and as long as I'm trying to make myself better there is still hope.
Please believe me when I say I am not saying any of this to get sympathy but I have avoided talking about it and I think its time for me to get it off my chest just for me. Even if no one reads this, it helped to get it out. If you did read it I hope it made sense.
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Replies
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Bump.. sorry hun I don't have enough time in the day to read this right now. Maybe later0
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Not to sound like an *kitten*....this is best put in a blog.
That being said, life is full of challenges. You will not overcome them until you face them with conviction to achieve. Success comes from action through choice. Motivation to succeed comes only from within. You either want it or you don't...and it is that simple.
Best of luck.0 -
>hugz<0
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Not to sound like an *kitten*....this is best put in a blog.
That being said, life is full of challenges. You will not overcome them until you face them with conviction to achieve. Success comes from action through choice. Motivation to succeed comes only from within. You either want it or you don't...and it is that simple.
Best of luck.
I wasnt sure where the blog part was. Thanks.0 -
>hugz<
Thank you.0 -
Keep your head up. It was very brave of you to make that confession. Just count your blessings and take it one day at a time and everything will work out. All you need is one small changed added to another and they will eventually add up to success. Good luck and you can do it.0
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Sounds like you are having a "a second child guilt" and more so in your case since you promised yourself that you will never have ANY kids to begin with. I think your parents move was just the straw that broke the camel.
I think you need to talk to a Clinical psychiatrist who can help you by putting you on meds. And as long as both your kids are alive and healthy you are a great mom.0 -
Keep your head up. It was very brave of you to make that confession. Just count your blessings and take it one day at a time and everything will work out. All you need is one small changed added to another and they will eventually add up to success. Good luck and you can do it.
Thank you. That means a lot. I think thats one of my biggest struggles is accepting I can do things slowly and dont have to be perfect right from the start.0 -
Sounds like you are having a "a second child guilt" and more so in your case since you promised yourself that you will never have ANY kids to begin with. I think your parents move was just the straw that broke the camel.
I think you need to talk to a Clinical psychiatrist who can help you by putting you on meds. And as long as both your kids are alive and healthy you are a great mom.
I agree. Although right now there simply is no money for a psychiatrist I am trying to be more open and be open to any and all opinions. As for the medication the last time I was put on some it made me go from being sad to so angry I bordered on physical violence. It scares me to go back on.0 -
Cardio is also supposed to help you become happy.0
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Cardio is also supposed to help you become happy.
Haha I will have to start up again then.0 -
Seeing a Dr. would help. However, if that's not possible it is possible to work on yourself by yourself. Also, you might call your primary care physician and ask for anti-deppresant. Also, there are free clinics all over, look in to going to one of those.
#1 Every single person in this world has inherent worth. That means you. At your weakest moment, you are still a worthy and wonderful person, simply by being you.
#2 Weight loss might not need to be your biggest focus right now. Maybe work on loving yourself first would be better. If you can't let go of weight loss right now, maybe pick one small goal per month. (Like water or something smaller)
#3 It is ok to take care of yourself first. Before everyone, even your children. You need to care for yourself. You have a husband that (in your words) is wonderful, so I'm sure he's a great father. You will be a better mother if you take sometime for yourself first.
I hope everything works out for you. I know that it's hard to see the light when you are so deep, but it is there.0 -
Seeing a Dr. would help. However, if that's not possible it is possible to work on yourself by yourself. Also, you might call your primary care physician and ask for anti-deppresant. Also, there are free clinics all over, look in to going to one of those.
#1 Every single person in this world has inherent worth. That means you. At your weakest moment, you are still a worthy and wonderful person, simply by being you.
#2 Weight loss might not need to be your biggest focus right now. Maybe work on loving yourself first would be better. If you can't let go of weight loss right now, maybe pick one small goal per month. (Like water or something smaller)
#3 It is ok to take care of yourself first. Before everyone, even your children. You need to care for yourself. You have a husband that (in your words) is wonderful, so I'm sure he's a great father. You will be a better mother if you take sometime for yourself first.
I hope everything works out for you. I know that it's hard to see the light when you are so deep, but it is there.
Thanks, for the most part right now I'm ok, I still have my sad overwhelmed moments but luckily I think I am pulling through. I think the fact that I was able to write it out and lay it out on the line is an improvement. For the last 2 months I havent wanted interaction of any kind so now that i'm talking i'm starting to feel better. One thing that has helped too is writing in a journal.0 -
You are a very brave and strong woman. I understand writing this to yourself to help you. Journaling can be very therapeutic. Yes, please do realize you are a very wonderful woman with two wonderful babies. Life is hard, yours growing up sounds unimaginable to me. But you survived. I'm happy for you that you have a wonderful husband and your parents are now decent and loving.
But I agree with the other poster who said you must take care of yourself first. Moms are generally not known for putting themselves first. My 2 cents is you need to give up taking care of your parents house. You have other siblings who can or cannot pitch in. You are dangling by a dangerous thread. Their house is not your problem. They need to figure that one out for themselves. It is small potatoes to care for their house for them when the other option that seems reasonable to you is leaving everything behind. You are so much more worthwhile than whether or not someone else's house goes to pot. That is beyond your control. Just because someone asks you for help doesn't mean you HAVE to give it or if you WANT to give it that it works for you in your life. You are a very caring and loving person. Time to turn that love towards yourself. You get to be number one.
Exercise is good for the body and soul. Don't do some crazy exercise, take your kids out. Spend time with them at a park or in the yard. Kick a little ball around and let them chase it if they can. Walk down the street with them as they run along with you or on tricycles or something. Time spent with YOU is what they will remember, what they will value. Not that you went mad taking care of other people's business for them and then left them to fend for them selves.
Forget counting calories if you must. Think healthy. Eat healthy food. That is what feeds your mind and body. Nuts are very good for your brain. I don't know how to say it but raw nuts and a variety in limited amounts - an ounce or two a day are very good for you. And try to get some fresh produce in daily, too. Eat healthy for your own sake. Do whatever you can do.
I send you great big hugs. I don't know you very well, but I know you are worthy of getting the best of life has to offer you. You deserve it. Everyone does. You are not responsible for everyone, either. For your children, yes, and for fostering a loving relationship with your husband, yes. You love your parents and they love you but my advice would not be to take over their burdens all alone when you feel ready to snap. Please take care of you.
Also find the tab for blog at the top of your profile and or home page. I often blog away to myself. It is good therapy.
Wishing you the very best, Nae.0 -
You are a very brave and strong woman. I understand writing this to yourself to help you. Journaling can be very therapeutic. Yes, please do realize you are a very wonderful woman with two wonderful babies. Life is hard, yours growing up sounds unimaginable to me. But you survived. I'm happy for you that you have a wonderful husband and your parents are now decent and loving.
But I agree with the other poster who said you must take care of yourself first. Moms are generally not known for putting themselves first. My 2 cents is you need to give up taking care of your parents house. You have other siblings who can or cannot pitch in. You are dangling by a dangerous thread. Their house is not your problem. They need to figure that one out for themselves. It is small potatoes to care for their house for them when the other option that seems reasonable to you is leaving everything behind. You are so much more worthwhile than whether or not someone else's house goes to pot. That is beyond your control. Just because someone asks you for help doesn't mean you HAVE to give it or if you WANT to give it that it works for you in your life. You are a very caring and loving person. Time to turn that love towards yourself. You get to be number one.
Exercise is good for the body and soul. Don't do some crazy exercise, take your kids out. Spend time with them at a park or in the yard. Kick a little ball around and let them chase it if they can. Walk down the street with them as they run along with you or on tricycles or something. Time spent with YOU is what they will remember, what they will value. Not that you went mad taking care of other people's business for them and then left them to fend for them selves.
Forget counting calories if you must. Think healthy. Eat healthy food. That is what feeds your mind and body. Nuts are very good for your brain. I don't know how to say it but raw nuts and a variety in limited amounts - an ounce or two a day are very good for you. And try to get some fresh produce in daily, too. Eat healthy for your own sake. Do whatever you can do.
I send you great big hugs. I don't know you very well, but I know you are worthy of getting the best of life has to offer you. You deserve it. Everyone does. You are not responsible for everyone, either. For your children, yes, and for fostering a loving relationship with your husband, yes. You love your parents and they love you but my advice would not be to take over their burdens all alone when you feel ready to snap. Please take care of you.
Also find the tab for blog at the top of your profile and or home page. I often blog away to myself. It is good therapy.
Wishing you the very best, Nae.
Thanks Susan, it helps to hear those things. I have been ok taking care of my parents house since they have helped us so much recently I feel like its the least I can do for them.
I just feel like things are never ending and i've been getting frazzled. The last few days have been better but its still a bit overwhelming. I'm just glad I can talk about it now. Thanks for all your support sweetie.0
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