On The Brink Of Tears
Replies
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I am not saying this is what happened but i'll give you a guys perspective .I had a similar kind of experience with a girl myself.When we started talking,she seemed great.She was funny,flirty and we usually had a great time whenever we chatted.But after a week or so,she started opening up and its then that i realized she had serious self esteem issues.She started getting really dependent on me in just week..She would get upset if i couldnt come online every 2 hours!! ( i mean seriously!).And she would leave 3-4 lovey dovey messages on my page daily. In the first week,she would laugh at my jokes funny but in the coming weeks , she got way too sensitive and i would have to watch what i said around her.And most of the time i ended up comforting her and reassuring her that she was great! So all in all,no matter how hard i tried she was driving me nuts and i wanted to be with the person who was there in the first week.
Again i am sure this is not you, just what i experienced and which might help you see the big picture
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^This all the way.sorry you're having a tough time with this,
but seriously - and i do mean this in the best way possible - you really need to work on controlling your emotions rather than letting them control you. that never ends well.
you are crying over a stranger you've never met who was essentially just words on a screen. guys can smell those type of emotional issues from a mile away and the good ones, the ones that you'd want to build a relationship with, would not put up with that stuff.
my advice is to do whatever you need to do to get yourself together emotionally FIRST and then start thinking about dating.
also i'm :laugh: at the typical responses of people rationalizing this by saying this guy wasnt worth it anyway. sorry but telling women stuff like that misses the point that they will forever run into "guys who aren't worth their time' until they fix their emotional baggage.
I want to cosign every word of this post and add a guy's perspective. Sometimes a person is very busy. I know i am. I get short on texts, short on the phone, and don't have time to chat over coffee. Busy isn't a code word for not wanting to chat with some girl; it just means I'm busy.
That said, when i meet a woman that doesn't understand that busy just means busy and gets emotional before we even have something going on, it's check out time. I'm going to suggest you dial it back, way back, with the next guy you meet. Not for his sake but for your own.
I couldn't get past the "VERY BUSY?!!?!? CMON!!" part. Sometimes, I'm busy, and I don't. have. time. to. talk.
And all the people saying he's not worth it...pfft, puhlease. The guy did nothing wrong.
Agreed. Some people are truly busy. And I've met guys who are clingy and that's really off-putting. Maybe the guy got uncomfortable at the sudden - hey hey hey hey hey...and is trying to slowly back off without hurting her feelings or is scared to just tell her he's no longer interested.
We don't know the whole story or the conversations that really went on.
OP - definitely work on getting yourself to a better mental and emotional state. Focus on bettering yourself and being comfortable/confident with you.0 -
I don't think it's fair to be hard on this guy. Was he rude to you? No. Did he give you a reason for why he wasn't talking so much? Yes.0
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I met my husband online, so sometimes the online thing works out. Sometimes it doesn't. To me (and this is only based off my one experiences) it sounds like he may have been flirty with girls online while he had a girl at home. I knew someone who did this and it nearly wrecked his marriage, but once he got caught by his wife his conversations with the girls he'd been flirting with were really similar to the ones you've gotten.
I don't know if that's the case here or not, but regardless, a guy like that isn't worth your time. You WILL find a guy who loves you for you.
It's ok to cry, but remember to move on. Don't linger in the past.0 -
Been there done that don't beat yourself up. I will tell you I have done online dating on and off for 12 years. Just like real life dating you will find tons of people that even if you get past the initial email introduction stage. That it fizzles off within days of talking or text. I am kinda in the same boat now, but I am the one that is not up his butt he is crazy texting me.
Word of advice, crying could be hormonal (I have been there, breakdown in the middle of watching the simpsons). But also when you are at your lowest everything is harder too I know how you feel.
Easier said than done but take a year off from worrying about men. No online dating nothing. Work on yourself and get you to where you have your mojo back. You will know when you start getting looks from guys at the grocery store or at the mall. Work out, get to a weight you feel comfortable with and get that job you wanted, take classes and focus on them. Whatever your goals are throw yourself into them. Once you feel better about yourself you will 1. be in a better mindset to roll with it and keep this whole dating mess in perspective 2. You will attract a different type of person because YOU will have changed. 3. Your confidence won't depend on whether a guy chooses to pay attention to you or not. It comes within and THAT is sexy to a man.
Hang in there I am coming out of an abusive relationship of 3 yrs myself. It takes time but only you can pull it together and one step at a time move forward. Focus on you and surrounding yourself by good people, church, volunteer activity etc.0 -
I'm new to dating....first time in 10 plus years....it's scary....and it's overwhelming and it can do really interesting (read fvcked up) things to your perception, your feelings, your self awareness...
but it's eye opening....
I agree with what mesha said....100%.
don't invest, don't think too much of it....it's a guy....that you have never met...and quite frankly at this stage he has the right to change his mind and it shouldn't mean anything to you. It really shouldn't.
What i am doing is that I'm concentrating on having a good conversation with a person that I MAY possibly evolve into a date with. If it DOES go to a date, then I'm going out for one night, to do something fun with a person that MAY become a good friend...cause really, that's the point no? Finding a good friend and if we are lucky that friend will be something more.
I've had a few disasters as my FL is very intimately acquainted with....and you know what, that's ok because they were just dates, with just dudes, that I just talked to.....on the internet and then maybe dinner or a coffee....
take a step back....you are investing WAY too much into this at this stage...just look at it as an opportunity to meet people...of which you MAY find someone worth spending more intimate time with....
no investment not at this stage....
and stop the emotionality....I know it's hard...trust me I am a "HSP" - highly sensitive person....and I've learned that i have to just not invest until I'm sure I really really want to spend time with that person for them...because they make me laugh, or they have like interests....
and don't get tunnel vision...at this stage where it's just talk, don't be afraid to open yourself to opportunity, talk to more than one...don't invest your time and all your effort into just one....not because you are playing the field, NO. But because of the four you do talk to for example, you just may make one solid connection and three great friends...
don't close yourself off....explore, have fun, don't get so tied up...and if you aren't having fun...
then why do it.
(((hugs)))0 -
Hi, I have not been in your situation..BUT I am emotional at times-part of being female-some of us are wired that way I guess. Trying to make changes in your diet, etc can be stressful and frustrating. The chemical reactions our bodies have sometimes can send us crying without warning. But..the other thing is obviously this guy does not want to be bothered right now, so let him do his thing. There are many, many others out there and you will have more chances at love/relationship. You do want it to be with the right person who will value you. Take it one day at a time, either he will come around or not, and if not you are better off. The other thing you mentioned is that you are aware your body may have an impact on relationships, so just a suggestion..put everything emotionally into that..anger, fear, sadness, etc..then take those feelings and use them for your advantage...put everything into making you a better, stronger, healthier you and once you are doing that, you may have some peace about everything. Now, when you get home, have yourself a really good cry.. it's good for the soul..and remember tomorrow is another day and a new chance to start over! ((Hugs)) 0
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I don't date. Solves this problem in no time flat.0
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i have been online dating for a long time now and believe me there are a lot more frogs than princes there for sure. you seem to have a very emotional life and perhaps you are suffering from depression? have you seen your doctor about your swinging moods? as a lady who is 240lbs and 5'7 and 62yrs old , i think i can relate as i am single too. when you get down and nothing is going right and you get online and some guy gives you some attention ...all of a sudden there is a ray or happiness and hope shining into your dark world. you grab on for dear life and he becomes your lifeline...now you don't have to think about all the bad stuff and you project how wonderful things will be when you and him get together..he is your soulmate your friend and lover , everything will be ok because now somebody wants you,,,does this sound right? well girl it's a fantasy. even if he is a great guy, nobody can make you happy.....you have to make you happy. and that means trying to love yourself first. if you can't love you then they won't either because you will always feel unsure of yourself and him.. try to find things in your life to make yourself happier and start to believe in yourself as a good and "loveable" lady. hard i know but please try and look for the good things about yourself and love will find you...and you won't feel so needy and devastated by the lack of interest from someone you haven't even met. get out with real people who you know and surround yourself with positive people and don't expect cyber relationships to gauge your own self worth...you deserve more!!!good luck and stay positive.0
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I mean this in the nicest way possible: It's you, not him.0
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QFTI mean this in the nicest way possible: It's you, not him.0 -
sorry you're having a tough time with this,
but seriously - and i do mean this in the best way possible - you really need to work on controlling your emotions rather than letting them control you. that never ends well.
you are crying over a stranger you've never met who was essentially just words on a screen. guys can smell those type of emotional issues from a mile away and the good ones, the ones that you'd want to build a relationship with, would not put up with that stuff.
my advice is to do whatever you need to do to get yourself together emotionally FIRST and then start thinking about dating.
also i'm :laugh: at the typical responses of people rationalizing this by saying this guy wasnt worth it anyway. sorry but telling women stuff like that misses the point that they will forever run into "guys who aren't worth their time' until they fix their emotional baggage.
I want to cosign every word of this post and add a guy's perspective. Sometimes a person is very busy. I know i am. I get short on texts, short on the phone, and don't have time to chat over coffee. Busy isn't a code word for not wanting to chat with some girl; it just means I'm busy.
That said, when i meet a woman that doesn't understand that busy just means busy and gets emotional before we even have something going on, it's check out time. I'm going to suggest you dial it back, way back, with the next guy you meet. Not for his sake but for your own.
I have to agree with ^^ - I had to learn (over 15 years) that my husband communicates differently than I do. Men ARE different than women. I'm not saying he wasn't blowing you off.....he may have been. But he might NOT have been, either. We girls can be a titch demanding about "communication". Sometimes our men ARE just tired, busy, or don't feel like talking. But good luck to you!!!0 -
Ok... well I've tried online dating before and still have a profile up. I know quite a few people who have met their spouses online and stayed together. That was just a side note, since you are only talking to this guy.
With that said... I have AWFUL experiences with men. Never had a single good relationship and its because I have to work on me and stop choosing the wrong guys. Why am I saying this for everyone to see? Because (and dont take this as me being a know it all) when I have a gut feeling it is usually right. As LONG as you have your emotions in check and are thinking logically, your gut is right a lot of the time.
Two options.
1: He actually IS busy. If he's responding to you at all then I'd guess he simply is buys.
- Side note on this: If a man is really interested in you he will MAKE time. Nobody is busy every second of the day. I'm a single mom and even when I went to school full time and worked part time and took care of myson, cooked, cleaned, etc, I STILL had time to at least text.
2: He is talking to someone else who grabbed his interested. I say this because I've done it. But i am honest about it. That doesn't mean he has a girlfriend or whatever, but this may be the case.
Again..I dont know everything but I have come across almost every situation with real life dating and online dating. Unfortunately lol
I wish you luck and just remember to keep your emotions in check. It's ok to cry. It's ok to feel frustrated. But it's taken me a LONG time and 27 years to realize that if a guy doesn't want to talk to me anymore then theres no reason to beat a dead horse. you want someone to WANT you. You want someone to PURSUE you. Men and women alike. Good luck hun!!0 -
I'm really getting more and more perspective with every response I receive so thank you everyone.
After seeing the situation in a different light (or should I say many different lights) I can quite happily admit that I may have jumped the gun. As I mentioned in my first post I do tend to jump straight to the worst case scenario in order to prepare myself for the backlash that may be entailed (this is based on past events). I know that this is something that I very much need to work on.
I didn't mean to make it sound like I was blaming the guy in question - my post was more a rant of internal dialogue that I needed to get out than anything else. I can see the perspectives of the posters that mentioned that he may have actually been busy and I agree with that whole heartedly, he may have been but I was basing my response to what had happened in the past when he said he was busy (he would elaborate by telling me what he was up to). What threw me was the fact that we had for weeks chatted almost everyday and then BAM nothing and even as I write it it sounds quite silly but I wasn't expecting it at all.
I let my negative emotions get the better of me more than I should and I find that if something changes or if a way that I've gotten accustomed to suddenly shifts that I automatically think that I've done something wrong and that I go into for lack of a better term 'fix mode' where I do what I can to amend whatever is wrong even if I don't know what or if something is wrong.
Believe it or not I do understand the concept of being busy, and I don't classify myself as being clingy. 9 times out of 10 I would always wait for him to start the conversation first that way I would know if he wanted to chat. There were only a few times that I started the conversation myself.
I know that I need to work on a lot of things and if I take anything from this situation it is that it has helped me to understand that there is more than one perspective of any given situation and the way one person perceives something may be the complete opposite to the another such perspective.
Thank you again for your responses.0 -
His wife must have found out what he was doing.0
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I mean this in the nicest way possible: It's you, not him.
Thank you...the truth hurts but sometimes you just gotta hear it
I know that I have a lot to amend in my life; hearing it through this post has really helped me realise that
Kate0 -
Who knows what his reasoning is or what he's thinking. He could actually be busy or it could be anything. Guys think different then us so it always makes it difficult! I went through a similar thing with a guy online, as well as some crazy weird situations with dating online. Made me upset a lot and thinking like you. I kept at it and finally found the good one. He's out there, you just have to get through the bad ones to find the good one. I guess my advice would be don't over think, that's probably the worst for your emotions, definately coming from experience...0
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I am not saying this is what happened but i'll give you a guys perspective .I had a similar kind of experience with a girl myself.When we started talking,she seemed great.She was funny,flirty and we usually had a great time whenever we chatted.But after a week or so,she started opening up and its then that i realized she had serious self esteem issues.She started getting really dependent on me in just week..She would get upset if i couldnt come online every 2 hours!! ( i mean seriously!).And she would leave 3-4 lovey dovey messages on my page daily. In the first week,she would laugh at my jokes funny but in the coming weeks , she got way too sensitive and i would have to watch what i said around her.And most of the time i ended up comforting her and reassuring her that she was great! So all in all,no matter how hard i tried she was driving me nuts and i wanted to be with the person who was there in the first week.
Again i am sure this is not you, just what i experienced and which might help you see the big picture
I hate to say it, but yeah - I've been that girl. I drove this one poor man to absolute insanity once. I will never get over how embarrassing that was once I came to my senses.0 -
Hey, I cry all the time for no reason. It got super bad when I was in a depression. But even no longer feeling depressed I still tend to feel really down especially right before my menstrual cycle and will cry and cry for no reason or stupid reasons.
Also, it's really hard and rocky at first with guys in just about any relationship it seems. It's always best to just not let them know you are at all bothered. Remember, women have power in this world. Just send him one or two texts and then let him respond back. I'll usually apply the three day rule to myself. If I haven't heard from them in three days, I'll shoot a text saying hi (usually, they beat me to it by then). If they respond, great, if not, oh well. I only send that one. And, yes, it IS TORTURE those three days but it's worth it.
Also, set multiple dates up on the site and don't be shy about it. I set five dates up all at once and the guys knew. Guys like knowing others find you attractive!
Also, on the online thing, I try to meet the person within a week because I don't wanna be wasting my time otherwise. Always, ALWAYS make sure you make it look like you have other options whether you actually believe you do or not (and I believe you do!). Venting on a site is good, too. I use Twitter to whine about guys all the time, LOL! If I'm getting the itch to be like, "Why didn't you text me back?!" I tweet about it instead (they are NOT on my twitter!)! And having a really good, AWESOME female friend to confide in is great, also. You'll get there, no worries! Just take this down as a lesson learned and how to improve next time! 0 -
As the person above me just said, don't chat with them for weeks before meeting. You tend to build a person up a lot in your head, and then get disappointed when reality doesn't match up. I had the best luck when I met guys for coffee after only 2-3 emails. Much less expectations that way.
Met my husband on match.com after meeting 10 or so guys over 18 months or so. Keep trying, he is out there.0 -
There is someone for everyone out there but you must be there for yourself first.0
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i have been on the opposite end of it too and thats when i changed.Building as many walls around you as possible may not be the healthy way out but it works for meI am not saying this is what happened but i'll give you a guys perspective .I had a similar kind of experience with a girl myself.When we started talking,she seemed great.She was funny,flirty and we usually had a great time whenever we chatted.But after a week or so,she started opening up and its then that i realized she had serious self esteem issues.She started getting really dependent on me in just week..She would get upset if i couldnt come online every 2 hours!! ( i mean seriously!).And she would leave 3-4 lovey dovey messages on my page daily. In the first week,she would laugh at my jokes funny but in the coming weeks , she got way too sensitive and i would have to watch what i said around her.And most of the time i ended up comforting her and reassuring her that she was great! So all in all,no matter how hard i tried she was driving me nuts and i wanted to be with the person who was there in the first week.
Again i am sure this is not you, just what i experienced and which might help you see the big picture
I hate to say it, but yeah - I've been that girl. I drove this one poor man to absolute insanity once. I will never get over how embarrassing that was once I came to my senses.0
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