Shallow or personal preference....?
What is the difference? Is it being shallow if someone doesn't want to date someone because they are X amount of weight? If that is shallow, then wouldn't it be shallow also if a person does not date someone because they are of a different race.... (When it comes to race, people say it is a preference, but when it comes to weight people are called shallow....) What am i missing?
-- Honest question
-- Honest question
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Replies
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I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.0
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Preference. I look at it this way
You don't look at someone nearby who isn't physically attractive to you and think to yourself, "DANG I bet they have a GREAT personality and heart."
Physical attraction is important and the initial draw that most people have towards one another.0 -
What's wrong with either?0
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I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
So i said would never be with someone who weighed a certain amount. I ended up dating someone who weighed that amount but it turned out to be a bad idea. Not simply because of his weight, but because about his approach to his weight (which i never brought up by the way) . But i also found out that that body frame does not attract me to a person...so NOW i will say i will NEVER date someone who is X amount of weight...
does that put me in the shallow pool?0 -
Yeah this is a nice explanation^I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.0 -
What's wrong with either?
Nothing wrong with either in my opinion. Just curious about what others think0 -
I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
So i said would never be with someone who weighed a certain amount. I ended up dating someone who weighed that amount but it turned out to be a bad idea. Not simply because of his weight, but because about his approach to his weight (which i never brought up by the way) . But i also found out that that body frame does not attract me to a person...so NOW i will say i will NEVER date someone who is X amount of weight...
does that put me in the shallow pool?
I'm going to go with no because you were not always closed to the idea. But either way, it is probably best never to say never. Stay open to love you never know what form it might take.
ETA: and I find this to be an intriguing question btw0 -
You're attracted to whomever you're attracted to, can't help that.
However, if you know someone who isn't a turn off, but isn't you're idea of a 10, and you know that the person is honest, kind, shares your goals, etc, but won't look at them because they don't look like a movie star? Shallow.
Dating aside: if there's someone who's accomplishing amazing things, and all you can see/talk about are their looks? Shallow.0 -
I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
So i said would never be with someone who weighed a certain amount. I ended up dating someone who weighed that amount but it turned out to be a bad idea. Not simply because of his weight, but because about his approach to his weight (which i never brought up by the way) . But i also found out that that body frame does not attract me to a person...so NOW i will say i will NEVER date someone who is X amount of weight...
does that put me in the shallow pool?
I'm going to go with no because you were not always closed to the idea. But either way, it is probably best never to say never. Stay open to love you never know what form it might take.
ETA: and I find this to be an intriguing question btw
lol. Thanks. I think it is funny that shallow is always thrown around when it comes to weight. If i as a black woman say i will not date a white man, no one says anything. but if i say i will not date a man who is more than 190lbs i would get called shallow.
I want to understand what makes the two different0 -
I say personal preference, I don't see how it's shallow if you don't find someone attractive!?0
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I've never dated somebody more than slightly overweight. I have to be attracted to them at first, I think. It just hasn't happened.0
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You're attracted to whomever you're attracted to, can't help that.
However, if you know someone who isn't a turn off, but isn't you're idea of a 10, and you know that the person is honest, kind, shares your goals, etc, but won't look at them because they don't look like a movie star? Shallow.
Dating aside: if there's someone who's accomplishing amazing things, and all you can see/talk about are their looks? Shallow.
I am getting a better understanding. But for the first example, is this implying that if i were in this situation i should force myself to like this guy even though i am not really attracted to him? I know attraction is not EVERYTHING, but it is SOMETHING and is enough to determine if you want to kiss a man or not...it's is enough to determine if i want to have kids with this person.0 -
If I don't like skinny guys am I shallow?0
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I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
So i said would never be with someone who weighed a certain amount. I ended up dating someone who weighed that amount but it turned out to be a bad idea. Not simply because of his weight, but because about his approach to his weight (which i never brought up by the way) . But i also found out that that body frame does not attract me to a person...so NOW i will say i will NEVER date someone who is X amount of weight...
does that put me in the shallow pool?
Yes. You're discluding an entire group of people based on ONE thing with 100% certainty, and it's of the superficial nature. By definition you are indeed shallow.0 -
Don't worry about it. I don't think it's crazy to say you won't date someone who's overweight, but don't feel like you're gonna miss out on someone because you made that call. If you're supposed to be with someone, your preferences have a funny way of clearing out when the time comes.0
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It's all about attraction. Some day you may meet someone who isn't the lean mean muscle machine you envisioned you would be with but your some how attracted to them. Maybe its their smile, personality, the way they walk etc.
My husband has/had a fantastic smile. On our first date that was the first thing I noticed about him. I just love a great smile. I didn't even notice that he was over weight. I see photos now of what he looked like back then and really had no clue at that time that he was that big. I just never noticed. We hit it off right away and had fun together. Now he's a stick but I'll take that.0 -
I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
So i said would never be with someone who weighed a certain amount. I ended up dating someone who weighed that amount but it turned out to be a bad idea. Not simply because of his weight, but because about his approach to his weight (which i never brought up by the way) . But i also found out that that body frame does not attract me to a person...so NOW i will say i will NEVER date someone who is X amount of weight...
does that put me in the shallow pool?
Yes. You're discluding an entire group of people based on ONE thing with 100% certainty, and it's of the superficial nature. By definition you are indeed shallow.
I dont think so. Its preference in my opinion. If you aren't physically attracted to them, you aren't. You cant change that. In my opinion, if you dont like them at ALL if they are overweight, thats being shallow. I mean, I have never found myself attracted to men shorter than me. But I dont think thats shallow because I still think of them as friends, or something of the sort. Attraction is attraction. Dislike is different0 -
I just noticed that your only 23 years old. Once you've grown up a bit more you'll change your likes and dislikes and realize that its not all about appearances. The most fit fabulous looking man can be a total douche and then there are the heavy or just slightly chunky guys who would treat you like a queen. Once you've matured and realized this you'll widen your pool.0
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You're attracted to whomever you're attracted to, can't help that.
However, if you know someone who isn't a turn off, but isn't you're idea of a 10, and you know that the person is honest, kind, shares your goals, etc, but won't look at them because they don't look like a movie star? Shallow.
Dating aside: if there's someone who's accomplishing amazing things, and all you can see/talk about are their looks? Shallow.
I am getting a better understanding. But for the first example, is this implying that if i were in this situation i should force myself to like this guy even though i am not really attracted to him? I know attraction is not EVERYTHING, but it is SOMETHING and is enough to determine if you want to kiss a man or not...it's is enough to determine if i want to have kids with this person.
If you're totally not attracted, then no, you shouldn't force yourself -- that's doing neither of you any favors. It's not as if you're that person's last hope of a relationship.
If, however, there's a person to whom you're attracted say 70% who's a great guy, and another to whom you're attracted 99% but who all your friends say is a douche (your carbonated hormones won't let you see that, but your friends are usually right) and you pick person number two? Shallow. Oh, but I'll still listen and give you tissues when you cry when he/she INEVITABLY does you wrong. Took me a couple of times to learn, myself.0 -
If I don't like skinny guys am I shallow?
If you dislike them ONLY because they are skinny then yes you are shallow.
If your just not attracted to them then no that's not shallow that's all about attraction. But to NOT like someone just because they are skinny? Shallow!!
I like people no matter what their shape or size. I don't let their looks determine if i like them or not.0 -
I think it's good to know yourself well enough to know what you prefer, but I think it's wise to keep an open mind when meeting new people. I once fell in love with a guy that was so far outside my preferences, just based on how he made me feel. He smiled all the time, and made me laugh like a school girl. His eyes twinkled when he smiled and his kiss was time stopping. That relationship didn't work out for other reasons, but I'm glad I gave it a chance and had the experience.
Maybe that guy wasn't right for you in other ways? If he was, you might not have noticed the other stuff as much.
I think the term shallow is more of a reflection on a person's worldly perspective. Do you notice a person's heart and character before you decide if they're possibly attractive to you, or if you'd be their friend? or do you zero in on the exterior before they open their mouth?
I think "preferences" live in the subtle shades of grey and "shallow" is more absolute. My preferences aren't the final decision maker. If they were, then I'd be shallow.0 -
I think it's good to know yourself well enough to know what you prefer, but I think it's wise to keep an open mind when meeting new people. I once fell in love with a guy that was so far outside my preferences, just based on how he made me feel. He smiled all the time, and made me laugh like a school girl. His eyes twinkled when he smiled and his kiss was time stopping. That relationship didn't work out for other reasons, but I'm glad I gave it a chance and had the experience.
Maybe that guy wasn't right for you in other ways? If he was, you might not have noticed the other stuff as much.
I think the term shallow is more of a reflection on a person's worldly perspective. Do you notice a person's heart and character before you decide if they're possibly attractive to you, or if you'd be their friend? or do you zero in on the exterior before they open their mouth?
I think "preferences" live in the subtle shades of grey and "shallow" is more absolute. My preferences aren't the final decision maker. If they were, then I'd be shallow.
I agree.
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I would say shallowness has to do with only looking at material things a person possesses, (money, cars). Where as personal preference is just what you know you are attracted to in terms of looks alone. So just because you don't give someone a chance because they don't fit your ideal "mold" is being close minded more than anything. You eventually learn to get to know people better based on their personality0
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Not being attracted is not shallow.
Being attracted but still refusing to date because of society is shallow.0 -
I think shallowness takes away any option with 100% certainty. I will NEVER date someone who is _______. Preference is just that. I'd prefer to date someone who is ______ but I wouldn't exlude someone who is ______.
So i said would never be with someone who weighed a certain amount. I ended up dating someone who weighed that amount but it turned out to be a bad idea. Not simply because of his weight, but because about his approach to his weight (which i never brought up by the way) . But i also found out that that body frame does not attract me to a person...so NOW i will say i will NEVER date someone who is X amount of weight...
does that put me in the shallow pool?
Yes. You're discluding an entire group of people based on ONE thing with 100% certainty, and it's of the superficial nature. By definition you are indeed shallow.
I have friends of all races and some will not date someone else simply because they are white, or, black....but they are friends, they know them well...they just wont DATE that person...is this also shallow?0 -
In my opinion not dating someone because of looks is a preference. If you simply aren't attracted to them there's usually nothing that will change that. Weight can be part of that. I don't date guys who don't workout because it's important to me and most non-exercise people don't understand what it means to me. Shallow would be dating someone based on his wallet, car or house.0
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I find the race 'preference' thing more insulting than the weight one. Now I am healthier I want to be with someone who is also trying to be healthy so we can live a long healthy life together. The same goes for wanting to date non-smokers.
Racial 'preference' is often covert racism. I have dated, white, black, south asian, oriental and never encountered 'cultural differences' that have been detrimental to a relationship. In fact I have found these 'cultural differences' have strengthened the relationship and enabled me to learn something and take me out of my comfort zone.
My only shallow preference is for tall people because I'm 6ft5/195cm.0 -
I just noticed that your only 23 years old. Once you've grown up a bit more you'll change your likes and dislikes and realize that its not all about appearances. The most fit fabulous looking man can be a total douche and then there are the heavy or just slightly chunky guys who would treat you like a queen. Once you've matured and realized this you'll widen your pool.
I understand what you mean... but why date someone who treats me like a queen when i can not treat HIM like a king because his extra 20lbs or something turns me off...why date him, if the thought of even seeing him naked turns me off. I would be be doing him a disfavour.... People can tell when their partner is not physically attracted to them and it is not a good feeling. Why FORCE something that is not there?0 -
It's not shallow. You can't control who you're attracted to.0
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I've dated men of various sizes. I've found that if his personality is attractive to me, the extra 20 pounds (or even a little underweight in one case) have not been factors in physical attraction. I have a type I'm drawn to if I had to define it, but in the real world, that has not held true to the men I've bern involved with.I just noticed that your only 23 years old. Once you've grown up a bit more you'll change your likes and dislikes and realize that its not all about appearances. The most fit fabulous looking man can be a total douche and then there are the heavy or just slightly chunky guys who would treat you like a queen. Once you've matured and realized this you'll widen your pool.
I understand what you mean... but why date someone who treats me like a queen when i can not treat HIM like a king because his extra 20lbs or something turns me off...why date him, if the thought of even seeing him naked turns me off. I would be be doing him a disfavour.... People can tell when their partner is not physically attracted to them and it is not a good feeling. Why FORCE something that is not there?0
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