is this a good cover letter? what would you change?

BorderlineAngel
BorderlineAngel Posts: 214
in Chit-Chat
To Whom It May Concern,

In direct response to the success of your facility and fitness centre, I am writing to offer myself to be included in the search for a candidate that may be open for a Personal Trainer at your location. I have just recently completed my Certificate 4 in Fitness at Canberra Institute of Technology.

I have experience in customer service and am passionate about and dedicated to health and fitness. I have extensively researched exercise and nutrition and intend to continue my education in those areas as technology and methods evolve. I have used my knowledge to improve my own physical fitness and would like an opportunity to inspire and assist your clients to reach their own goals. I have been training a range of different clients for the past few months at Canberra Insitute of Technology, and love it immensely.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, Ellie Stevenson

Replies

  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
    Former Director of HR here. No one really reads these things. However . . .

    Is this an unsolicited letter, or is there an ad running?

    1st sentence doesn't really make sense. If you do not know of a specific job opening, just say, "I have recently completed my Certificate 4 in Fitness at Canberra Institute of Technology, and am interested in becoming a Personal Trainer at your facility"

    If you do know there is an opening, say: " I have recently completed my Certificate 4 in Fitness at Canberra Institute of Technology, and would like to be considered for your open position of PT . . .

    2nd paragraph, add comma after "about", and remove the last few words, "and love it immensely". too colloquial.

    Somewhere you should point out that your resume is enclosed. (It will be enclosed, right?).

    Best of luck.
  • taso42
    taso42 Posts: 8,980 Member
    You may want to edit your post and remove your name. Unless you don't mind your real name being linked with your MFP profile.
  • taso42
    taso42 Posts: 8,980 Member
    Former Director of HR here. No one really reads these things. However . . .

    Hey! I read them!
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member

    I am writing to offer myself to be included in the search for a candidate that may be open for a Personal Trainer at your location.

    this makes no sense....
  • sagetracey
    sagetracey Posts: 607 Member
    Your letter makes you sound quite young but you are showing maturity by asking for advice on it. May I suggest you find a careers counsellor or similar in your local area and ask them to help you rework your letter.

    I note that you are in Australia (me too) and I suspect you will do better with local input.

    Good luck

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