Truth Sandwich: I'm Tired of Being Fat...

My name is Nikki. I'm a 29 year old mother of 4, ages 11 to 7 mths. I've always been really heavy, since childhood. Having had 4 c-sections, primarily staying at home caring for my children the entirety of my adult life (save for occasional bouts of work or school outside of the home),attending college classes primarily online vs. on campus(I'm an Elementary Ed./Special Ed. double major) genetics and, well, laziness (I said it, a fat person blaming their obesity on laziness and a lack a motivation! Accountability, who knew?! No glandular excuses, here...)have led me to become increasingly more obese over the last 10 years or so.

I currently weigh in at 306 lbs. Almost 2 years ago I lost roughly 50 lbs by just not eating. I was going through a divorce, dating for the first time in years and had focus on things outside of the safe little shell of my home to maintain my motivation. So, as of August 2011 I was down to 290 lbs from close to 350 lbs. Not long after I got pregnant (my poor decision making skills and lack of discretion coupled with impulse control issues lord and govern a great deal of my life. Hence; getting pregnant at the tail end of a divorce by a guy I'd been dating 2 mths- we are still together and madly in love so, rash though it may have been, that one worked out. My impulsive actions and lack of forethought ARE the primary contributing factors to my obesity, though.) Even in light of the pregnancy I maintained the same weight, give or take.

Of course I wanted to lose more. The pregnancy and subsequent breastfeeding that followed rather curtailed my attempts and, to be honest, gave me an excuse not to proceed. Within the last 2 months a couple of events or "goings on" have provoked me to rethink my physique, my health and my thought processes in regard to food. Just before the holidays I had a terrible infection for which I had to take antibiotics. I couldn't nurse my son during that time and since his preference for formula over breastmilk has nearly ended my time breast feeding him. There's one excuse out the window. The holidays happened, and, yeah. Food galore. Justified, "It's only Christmas once a year" food. Lastly, I consider this to be the primary culprit, during this time I started smoking Marijuana with my boyfriend on a regular basis. I know, how classy and responsible is that? Point is, when I smoke, any and all discretion in regard to food is lost.

So, I stepped on a scale a week or so ago and had gained 20 lbs in 2 mths time. 20 lbs after having lost 60 lbs and then maintaining the weight loss for well over a year. My knees hurt, so badly that I can't sleep at times. I get winded easily. I'm so very tired of scanning a room, a store, a restaurant, sizing myself up (no pun intended) by comparison to other females in the room. I want to have more energy. I want to wear cute clothes. I want to not feel as though my boyfriend could do so much better than me. I want to look and the mirror and like what I see. Bottom line. I know that I have a little to work with (Cursed to forever hear, "But you have SUCH a pretty face") and with weight loss not only could I feel better but I would LOOK so much better, too.

So, I'm not sure where this will lead. I am NOT going to gym. It's impractical with 4 kids and, well, I don't feel like jiggling and panting and sweating in front of strangers. Maybe at the tail end of my weight loss journey but, not yet. Walking, maybe, yes. In a suburban, soccer mom world I could throw my 7 mth old in a cute jogging stroller and head to the park. I, on the other hand, live on a dirt road in rural Georgia with no outlets or facilities like that available. I can throw him in my regular, every day stroller and hit the dirt road, fighting off mosquitoes even in January and if I have the dedication to weight loss that I should, that's exactly what I will do.

I'm thinking I'll be purchasing Wii Fit Plus, soon. I know some may be skeptical and find me naive in believing that working out with a Wii, alone, will do the job but, at my size and as lazy as I am, ANY movement is better than sitting on my butt watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

After numerous attempts at this and much research I think I'm starting, today, a 3 day water fast. After that I'm going to try to do a 2 week liquid diet then slowly work myself up to a healthy, minimalistic, mostly vegetarian diet. I know that the fasting and liquid diets aren't meant for longevity. I simply want to jump start my body, reducing calories, cleansing away the crap that's in there. With me, I need that crazy, crash diet weight loss at the beginning to keep me motivated. I need to see some quick results or I lose heart. If I can gain 20 lbs in the months then, by god, I can lost that much in 2 mths.

In closing, I intend to touch base here, often, if for nothing more than to gripe about being hungry or sore from some half hearted attempt at working out.