Wanting fiance to get healthy too...help!

azalea617 · January 2013

So, my darling fiance and I do not eat the same. I don't expect us to since I'm vegan and he's full-on omnivore. And yes, that does pose challenges, but he's willing to eat anything, so he is mostly a vegetarian by default when I cook. He wants to eat healthier, mainly involving less processed foods, which is great, because I'm the same (I'm no junk food vegan!).

Now that he is switched to second shift (3-11), he will be able to come with me to the gym in the morning. Great! But when he *does* come with me, he's complaining mostly about how long we're there (I try to do an hour) and just walks slowly on the treadmill. Yes, I know, he's trying, he's going (sometimes). I get that. In high school, he was very into weight lifting while on the track team and even would help out guys in the weight room. He loved it. He was super buff, even though he's naturally a big guy anyway. During college, he let himself go. Now I fear that he'll never want to get back into working out because he just seems to not really care.

Regarding food, when I'm cooking, he eats healthy. Now that we won't be having dinner together, it's going to change things. Yes, I could start making a lunch that acts as "dinner"...the big meal of the day. But there will a limit on time and I'm not always home. [I work super part-time retail right now & hate it & have a master's in communications...anybody hiring?!] Today was the first day of him working second shift and here was his food: Knorr pasta sides (those things that come in a little bag and you add water and microwave?)...one for breakfast. One for lunch. I cringed thinking about the sodium content (he has high blood pressure!!!) and all the crap in that stuff.

I had talked to him last night about being healthier and how I worry about him and since we're going to be married, then yes, it matters to me. I want to marry him AND have us be able to be together for the rest our lives, preferably a LONG amount of time. I just worry that he is headed down a bad road and doesn't want to turn back. I don't know how to *not* come off as being a nag. I know what it's like when someone tries to tell you you're unhealthy just out of love and you can take it the wrong way. But I am really pretty scared that something bad will happen in a few years because he didn't change things now. I could go on and on about this to flush out details, but if anybody has experienced this or has an idea of something I could do, please tell me.

No, he's not as bad as some people, I get that. And I'm super lucky to have a guy that I love so much and is so sweet/kind/loving/funny/smart. I just want to keep him as long as possible and how he's been acting scares me. He celebrates my victories in weight loss and keeps me on track with food. Why can't I do the same for him? How do I get him to want to be healthier?

Really sorry for how long this is!

VeganJamiOnAMission · January 2013

I think you cannot convince someone to eat healthier. It has to be their decision. I have been gently encouraging my husband to eat healthier for the past 12 years. His habits have not changed much at all even though he has seen how much healthier I am getting. My husband also loves those sodium filled convenience meals. He has a skin condition and I have been talking to him a lot about eating better to help his skin (like in Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead). He would rather live with the condition than change his diet. True change has to come from within. All you can do is be a good example and hope that it will one day click for your fiancé. Good luck, I know what you are doing comes out of love because I feel the same way.

jaclynZ · January 2013

This is funny i was in the same situation for a long time. my husband worked midnights, but will be switching feb 1 to afternoons and i literally had to drag him to the gym with me. and even when he got there he would just stretch to do some silly stuff while i worked my butt off. finally i started by myself. and he didn't watch what he ate at all - would actually get mad when i would say something about being healthy or in shape.
but lately ill wait til later in the day to go when hes actually had a little sleep. ill cook semi-healthier meals for him than he would make himself seperate from my meals cause i eat super clean. i also found i cannot keep junk food in the house cause hed eat it when it just sits around.

Sarahsue94 · January 2013

my boyfriend is kind of the same way. Lately he is trying to eat healthier, so he says. I dont know if he just eats healthy when hes not around me because he sure doesnt when he is lol. For the longest time I would try to get him to go to the gym with me, we are both students so its free for us anyway but he never would. Just said he didnt really like to gym. So we would go on frequent walks and occasional runs which was nice. It was just really suprising to me because he is ex-military and now doing his student teaching for PE/health, i figured he would enjoy working out lol. Glad he is trying to eat a little better at least.

Sometimes he irritates me by commenting on what I eat, but I just try to shrug it off. We kind of joke about it with eachother now because I dont see him much, we like to eat out together and thats fine with me

azalea617 · January 2013

I think you cannot convince someone to eat healthier. It has to be their decision....True change has to come from within. All you can do is be a good example and hope that it will one day click for your fiancé. Good luck, I know what you are doing comes out of love because I feel the same way.

Thanks. And I know this, too. That's what makes it so frustrating! He knows he doesn't eat the best, but just isn't ready for the change I guess. I really hope that someday he will be. Maybe once I'm a fit sexy lady he'll get his rear in gear to keep up! haha!

ElliInJapan · January 2013

I agree with the previous comment that you cannot convince someone else to eat better, unless they really want to do that themselves. My bf used to be much more health conscious than me and would point out things like "there's really no need to have another snack" and I would get really annoyed with him, even though I knew he was right. Eventually one day I realized how much weight I had gained and I needed to do something about, but that was a very personal decision, not something he convinced me to do (although perhaps it would have taken me longer to get to that decision without him). Now - it's funny how things change - I'm the one who keeps talking about healthy food and exercise and he's the one who grumbles. He also has some extra weight to lose, although much less than me, but I'm very careful not to push him. I started my own 'journey' for weight loss, it's really up to him whether he wants to do the same. What I try to do is to have healthy foods in the house for both of us, and get us moving a bit more, going on walks etc, but that's it. We both have to respect each other's choices - he realizes I can't eat everything he eats and I realize he doesn't 'have to' eat what I eat

Perhaps you could try to help him prepare some healtier alternatives for breakfast/lunch? Also keep in mind that it always takes some time to get a 'normal' schedule when there's a big change, like a change in shifts. Give him some time to get adjusted. Sometimes we women get worked up by a single event (you had a whole bottle of wine with your dinner?? omg, you'll end up alcoholic! - I've said that, unfortunately!) Not saying that's the case with you, but perhaps you'll have a better perspective if you give it some time?

azalea617 · January 2013

Thanks so much Gamelyne. It's nice to hear it from the other perspective.

I really hope he does "wake up" at some point and want to get healthy again. He keeps saying "once I get used to my schedule" but they always switch it every few weeks, so that's a hard thing to do. He has sleep apnea as well, so he's tired a lot (even though losing weight would help that).

I have to always *ALWAYS* keep in mind as well that I'm in a different mindset than he is partially due to our age difference. I'm 25 and have lived on my own, he's only 21 and only briefly lived alone in a dorm room during college. BIG difference, especially when considering male vs. female as well. Maybe he just needs to get a little older to care more!

Wanting fiance to get healthy too...help!

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