Nobody's idol. Ravenous and Fixated on Food.

A friend on MFP commented this morning on my food diary post. I like to do mine ahead of time; so, I don't have to think about the food all day. She said, "You are my idol."

"Whoa! Hold your horses, Sis! You got the wrong person." That was my first thought.

I wrote back and told her that I shouldn't be anyone's idol. I am far from perfect. Just like all of you, I have good days and bad days...feel like I am on right track one day, or feel like this whole food plan thing is a royal pain on another day. I just do my best to not mess up too bad and give up altogether.

Last week, I thought for sure that I was going to go on a monster eating binge. Then, I put my fears out to my hubbie...who doesn't always understand, though he love me and tries. He said, "Go ahead and eat something." Not the right answer. Then, I put my thoughts into a blog. While I was writing that blog, God gave me the right answer.

One of my MFP sisters has been encouraging me to share that blog from a week ago on the message board. She was sure that it would help someone. So, here it is. Read it through, before you try to jump in and help me. Please realize that I am NOT 'raveous' or 'fixating on food' today. These words were composed about a week ago.

I'm okay today...at least, I hope so...but I am still far from perfect. :noway:

'Define Ravenous and Fixated'...

I started my food plan (I don't use the 4 letter word DIET) in late November and have lost close to 20 pounds. Surprisingly, I have not had any really bad days. However, today feels like a nightmare. I am feeling 'ravenous' and can't stop 'fixating' on food.

When I said that to my hubbie, he didn't understand those words. So, I explained that 'ravenous' is as hungry as a lion who hasn't eaten in days and manages to take down a zebra. That lion is not going to eat slowly and thoughtfully. It will eat, 'til it cannot eat anymore. Then, it will guard the food; and attempt to eat more, after a short rest.

Then, I explained that 'fixating' on food meant that food was now constantly on my mind. It occupied my thoughts, no matter what else I might be trying to do. Food became a nagging companion to every second of my day.

In the past, that is how I felt, whenever I was on a 'diet'. I felt starved, deprived and obsessed with food. When I wasn't dieting, I just ate...continuously, with no thought about the amount or even the need for food. It was just an endless activity of my day. I kept food (especially sweets, like chocolate) with me...at my desk, by bed, in my purse...wherever I might need a 'fix'. Yes, a food 'fixation' is an addiction to a substance...just like a drug.

Today, my drug of choice...food...was calling to me. I started my day as usual with a meal substitute shake...chocolate flavored of course. However, my body was screaming for more. I looked at my food diary for the today with blanks to fill and began thinking about what it would take calm my ravenous cravings.

Instead of the usual meal replacement bar or salad at lunch, I went for a low calorie, hot meal. That helped. The hot food on my stomach eased some of my 'empty feeling'. Then, I suddenly realized that I had just felt something more...the desire to 'just keep eating'...to ignore my food plan and my goals. That scared me.

My goals are too important, and my food plan is the key to those goals. If I fall back to my old habits, I won't just stop losing weight...I will remain a cripple, bound to wheelchair for life...unable to enjoy anything beyond my chair.

This isn't just a diet for me, something to drop a few pounds and maybe look better, or fit into some smaller size clothing. I could care less about my clothing size or how I look to others. My hubbie thinks that I am beautiful, even when I weighed 270 pounds; and I know that is not a lie. I know that I am blessed, because he really believes that.

This isn't about any of those superficial things. I am almost 68 years old, and my body stopped looking like a cute girl, when I was in my teens and grew to 185 pounds. At 26, I was already used to being over 200 pounds. Now, anything below 240 is something from years ago. Today, those numbers represent something else...something much more important.

I MUST reach 200 pounds or less. A strange goal to some of you, I am sure; but that goal is critical to my very life. At 200 pounds, my surgeon has promised me 2 new knees. I have the hope of a future in which I can walk again...not just a few painful steps on a walker. I will be able to stand alone, walk beside my hubbie again, ride a bike or even run, if I feel like it.

Today, I felt RAVENOUS. Today, I was FIXATING on food; but today, I WILL NOT GIVE IN to that old 'feeling'...to that old 'way of thinking'. Today, I have a goal that is worth more than any food on this planet. I don't even care how 'I feel today'. I care about how 'I will feel in the future'.

When I started this post, I thought that I might ask for help...suggestions to overcome my cravings. Now I realize, I just needed to get my thinking back on track. I just needed to put that food into perspective. That desire to binge is 'my old drug of choice...my old enemy' calling to me; but I know that I have a 'something better' waiting for me. I can't and won't turn back from my goal...just because of a feeling. (end of blog)

I discovered something last week. Blogging is my new way of reaching out to God. Putting my thoughts in writing was my prayer that day, and he answered it. I survived that day, and I feel good today...at least for now.