Working Out Together

I've been reading a lot of postings on this site lately and have read a slew of good advice as well as many sad stories. Quite a number of the postings have involved spouses supporting, or not supporting, each other. Here's my two cents on the topic.

Let me start by saying that I realize my belief is just that - my belief. It holds no more credence than that so here goes.

No one got you into the physical condition that you are in. You did it and you need to undo it. Yes there may have been the wrong sort of support to push you along the way, enablers, disease, lifestyles, and peer pressure but you were the one that sat or drove when you could have stood or walked. You are the one that gobbled through large and second portions when you could have slowed down and eaten less while enjoying it more. These were your decisions and you have to take ownership of them. I have been there myself when I let my high metabolism and active lifestyle excuse some pretty bad nutrition mistakes that I allowed to became habits I had to overcome later.

That being said, we all need and deserve support. Very few can make it alone in these kinds of behavior and life changing struggles. But what is support?

My wife and I had very differing views on this at the start and, to be honest, still have at times. She thought support was my doing everything with her and at her pace. I thought that support was helping make time for her workouts, being tolerant of her diet changes and staying the heck out of the way. It turns out that we were both wrong.

My wife and I have quite a few similarities with some major differences. Physically, we are completely opposite body types and come from majorly different backgrounds in regards to physical activity. She grew up spending hours practicing a musical instrument and lavishing in the praise she rightly deserved for it. I grew up doing chores and playing outdoors until dark and getting praised for my grades. I can't tell you how she feels but I know that starting an exercise program and ceasing to use food as a subtitute for other things was immensely difficult for her. I do know how I feel. I've always felt physically inferior to almost everyone and only got recognition for working harder than everyone around me. I still feel that way most of the time.

This being the case I couldn't do the same workouts or riding or walking events she did without eventually getting frustrated and angry. I wanted to be there for her and help anyway I could but our needs are different and mine weren't being met. She wanted to complete the workouts and events and hope to get her physical shape back in the process. I wanted to give each workout and event everything I had and to finish feeling that I had left it all there which made me a good as anyone at the start line and better than those who quit.

Eventually we found ways to workout at the same time doing different things. We found classes that we could do together that allowed for working at our own pace (spinning mostly). We enter events with both a walking and a running division. When we ride our bicycles we ride together until we find that she has someone to ride with and I'm released to "play with the big boys". This meets both our needs and allows us to support one another without one of us (usually me) getting angry and sarcastic.
I have found that as long as I get ample opportunity to "stretch my wings" I can often ride or walk with her without feeling resentful. She found out that she has the personal strength to find support in our joint participation without me being right at her side.

So far it works for us.

The next time you are looking for support from someone else in reaching a goal, please stop and look at what you really are asking. Is it support, a need to control the relationship, an excuse for failing, or just replacing one crutch with another?

Oh, one last thing before I close. Unless you think this is one-sided and I'm the "better person" in all of this - let me tell you that I get plenty of support from her as well. She reminds me (and sometimes nags) when I don't feel like working out. She praises my small accomplishments when I place in my age group or stay up with a group of riders that used to leave me in the dust. She doesn't let me get away with meritless excuses. She even suggests events to challenge me to get better because she knows me so well. Personally, standing still is falling behind (luckily I don't apply that standard to others.).

And she helps me laugh at myself when I'm hobbling around in stiffness and discomfort the next day!!!