Dating while overweight

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Replies

  • roro73
    roro73 Posts: 153 Member
    Thank you all for your fabulous advice!! I didn't mean to come across with low self esteem. On any given day I do feel pretty sexy but when crunch time came I felt a little self conscious.

    As far as my date went, he asked me out again but it's actually me that said I don't think we're a match. Part of it was just that I wasn't physically attracted to him (man is that the pot calling the kettle black) but more than the physical aspects I was just a little disappointed that he seemed to really enjoy talking about himself & really didn't ask much about my life. He was nice enough and maybe I'm being picky and maybe one date is not enough to tell, but one thing I've learned in my past relationships is that I need to be with a man that adores me. From my observations, those are the happiest marriages...I think us women tend to love more naturally so when you find a man that treats you like a queen it kinda evens the relationship out.

    Maybe the online dating isn't the way to go. Where did you guys meet your bf/gf/wives/husbands?
  • Hbazzell
    Hbazzell Posts: 899 Member
    My husband married/dated me at my heaviest. I think it is best to get involved with someone when you feel ready to but don't let your weight stop you if dating is what you really want. That is just letting the weight control you still. I hope you have a great time tonight and even if it doesnt blossom it is always nice to go out and meet people. Also, maybe you will meet someone with the same goal or even a different goal. Maybe you will meet someone who is really struggling with confidence in social situations or something and you can work on your struggles together. You are gorgeous! go get em!
  • babylemonade
    babylemonade Posts: 250 Member
    If it were me, I wouldn't necessarily TRY to avoid dating. If you find someone, you find someone. If a guy falls in love with you at your best, then he should also love you at your worst. But on the other hand, if you want to focus more on your goal without drama or worrying what anyone else thinks of you, then I could understand why you might put it off until later.

    It could really go either way. It's just a matter of preference. But you shouldn't purposely put it off for vanity reasons.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    ...here's my experience: i dated while overweight. most of the time, i didn't get a second date. people were never rude to me, but i'd just never hear from them again afterwards. now that i've lost some weight, i get a lot of attention even when i'm quiet with headphones on, reading, studying, etc.... people are always trying to talk to me. but having dated when i was overweight pretty much left me jaded unfortunately.

    As a person who has been either thin or average weight my entire life, I never get much attention either way. I am not unattractive, but I think I put out some scary vibes or something. I think it's less about the weight and more about confidence and attitude. People aren't going to be comfortable with you if you aren't comfortable with yourself.

    OP - Go for it. You were honest in your profile and he still wants to meet you. It sounds like he's open to your body type. Now just show him some confidence and reel him in!
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    ...one thing I've learned in my past relationships is that I need to be with a man that adores me. From my observations, those are the happiest marriages...

    Maybe the online dating isn't the way to go. Where did you guys meet your bf/gf/wives/husbands?

    So true. I wouldn't want to be with anyone but my husband because he so obviously thinks I'm awesome and he's proud of me and he shows it all the time. Together 12 years! We met through friends - otherwise, both of us would probably still be single. We aren't that approachable in the wild. We needed introductions. :laugh:
  • vanguardfitness
    vanguardfitness Posts: 720 Member
    but one thing I've learned in my past relationships is that I need to be with a man that adores me. From my observations, those are the happiest marriages...I think us women tend to love more naturally so when you find a man that treats you like a queen it kinda evens the relationship out.

    I find those to be too demanding of my time, and too smothering. It's almost as if I were watching a small dog or a child, constantly vying for my attention. It's mentally draining. Probably why I don't last long in LTRs.
  • RotterdamNL
    RotterdamNL Posts: 509 Member
    I've dated all kinds of girls and i also dated them in different periods in my life from buffed, to stocky to fatty. I must say these days it is really hard to find that special someone because alot of people are influenced by **** on tv and internet. Really hard to find that someone that looks past outside appearance and looks more into someone's heart. Than again i am a old school romanticus and the saying "good guys end last" happens alot to me lately ><

    Alot of women are becoming more like mr macho above me, acting like people for example on the jersy/geordie shore. No offence ;)
  • MaraDiaz
    MaraDiaz Posts: 4,604 Member
    No idea - I was married before I got fat.

    But, relax and enjoy your date.

    It's supposed to be fun - not a job interview.

    This.

    I don't date when I'm overweight because I utterly loathe myself when I am, but you're also looking for something serious (I'm not) and how do you know you won't get married and somewhere down the road suffer illness or injury that will temporarily cause you to regain?

    At least if he falls in love with you fat your chances of staying together 'in sickness and in health' are good.

    But don't go for it if he's a chubby chaser unless you're willing to stay chubby, of course.
  • kvg1210
    kvg1210 Posts: 35
    So I'm wondering if there are alot of people that put off dating until they feel they are in better shape? I had told myself that I was going to wait until I dropped at least most of the weight before I started dating again, but I've been single for so long and have really been longing to find a mate. Not that I need a man, I'm completely happy on my own, but God meant for us to be married so I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that in my life and at 39 I feel like it's time.

    So...I put a profile up and was almost overbearingly detailed in what I was looking for and completely honest about being the chubsters that I am. I actually got quite a few responses...I've been very selective though. Well...I have a date tonight and I'm super nervous. Even though we met online, it's such a small world that he used to be a customer of where I work so I was able to ask our sales guy about him and he gave him a thumbs up. Ok, here's my dilema, I've never dated somebody while this overweight. I feel so self conscious it's not even funny.

    Any advice? Did you wait until you lost weight or did you just go for it and get out into the dating scene?

    Wishing you luck on your date - let us know how you got on (if not being too nosey) - don't worry about your size - just be you - my husband met me when I was fat, married me when I was even fatter and has never ever said anything to me about my weight . He encourages me to be me and when I questioned him about my weight he said that it is up to me whether I want to lose weight or not - it's whether I feel comfortable with myself as he feels more than comfortable being with me no matter what size I am. My attitude towards everyone I meet in my life is either you like me or you don't - I'm not going to change for anyone but me - sounds selfish but I learnt along time ago that if you don't love yourself how can you expect anyone else to. My reason for losing weight is for personal health reasons not because I am not happy with the way I look.

    Nothing wrong with meeting someone online - my husband was introduced to me by his nephew on the telephone - we talked for hours on end for about 6 months before we met up. Go for it - keep smiling :flowerforyou:
  • nerchk
    nerchk Posts: 136 Member
    Sorry, i didnt read any comment so i dont know if anyone has mentioned this. Dont wait to lose weight to start living. I have always been overweight, Worse i was also the largest cup size i have ever seen, every single person who felt like commenting about my boobs did, as much as i wanted a breast reduction, now i did it, i continued living, got married and you know what im still overweight. I will never advise anyone to wait until they lose weight to do anything, time will never stop for you, the next thing you know, you are 50 and still single. There are men who will love you for who you are, not how you look.

    There will always be something that will dent your confidence, but try as hard as you can to accept and love yourself as you are today, and live today as if it is your last, live it to the fullest, skinny jeans will catch up with you.
  • Cr01502
    Cr01502 Posts: 3,614 Member
    I think you're making your weight a bigger issue than it needs to be.

    If he didn't find you attractive he probably wouldn't have responded in the first place.

    Sorry if someone already mentioned this.

    I didn't read all the other comments.
  • mogletdeluxe
    mogletdeluxe Posts: 623 Member
    I moved back to my hometown a few years ago, heartbroken after the breakdown of a relationship. Said unhappines + being in a bad relationship = eating my feelings for years. So, I was a fatty. And didn't I know it.

    My well-meaning friends suggested online dating to 'get myself out there' and boost my ego a little. I disagreed with their theory of building self-confidence through male approval, but I digress.

    I signed up to match.com and went on a handful of dates. I was painfully aware of the fact that the photos I had chosen for my profile were flattering (although looking back, you can see I was certainly larger than average in them). I also phrased my profile carefully - no reference to working out, lots of references to loving restaurants. I think I'd have respected myself more if I just wore a t-shirt saying FAT!

    But, for all my neuroses...you know what? The only one who seemed concerned about my weight was me. I didn't do badly at all. All my hang-ups were very much my own, and if anyone had any issues they didn't say.

    I did have SOME bad experiences, but these weren't on mainstream dating sites. And frankly, my answer will remain the same whatever the site - dust yourself off and get on with it. You won't be to everyone's taste regardless of size.

    I say go for it - you have nothing to lose.
  • maryjay52
    maryjay52 Posts: 557 Member
    i hated myself as a fatty because i wasnt fat growing up ..dated all the time back in the day. now that ive lost weight i am back to feeling better about myself and yes i sure do date..only problem is no one my age ever asks me out . usually men in their 30s .. thats ok because i am NOT ever getting married again! just going to enjoy life to the fullest and die a smiling woman
  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
    I think you may find that your standards will evolve over time, and where as now you seem as if you have little confidence (not a slight, just an observation), as you lose weight you will most likely gain a bucket load and someone who you choose to date now may turn into someone who you feel you can do better than and resent.

    I say this from experience of dating girls when I was a skinny little no confidence weed that I look back on and think I must have been drunk the whole relationship. Also I would put up with more negative behaviour which I wouldn't accept any more.

    That's not to say you shouldn't bother going out on dates, but more I would say don't be afraid to accept that your tastes may well change, and you may want to 'upgrade' in the future.
  • lilaboo34
    lilaboo34 Posts: 6
    I actually met my current BF whilst in the middle of my diet, not only does he love me for me, he also says i should only diet for me, not him. He is also a body builder and I thought he would never look at me twice, never mind pretty much be moved into mine :)

    I never meant to meet someone, I had been single a long time and was going to wait until I had more confidence, I had lost around 6 stone when I met him. Now we work out together, eat healthy and have a great time. He knows I have body hang ups, as does everyone, thing is i was open about them. Just relax, have fun, if it goes to more then great, if it doesnt then put it this way you have a night out to look forward too.
  • tegantheaverage
    tegantheaverage Posts: 142 Member
    I'd just go stare in the mirror buck naked until you want to jump on yourself. Once you get there--everyone else is just going to sense it and want a piece of you too! ;)

    Best advice ever?
  • mogletdeluxe
    mogletdeluxe Posts: 623 Member
    I think you may find that your standards will evolve over time, and where as now you seem as if you have little confidence (not a slight, just an observation), as you lose weight you will most likely gain a bucket load and someone who you choose to date now may turn into someone who you feel you can do better than and resent.

    I say this from experience of dating girls when I was a skinny little no confidence weed that I look back on and think I must have been drunk the whole relationship. Also I would put up with more negative behaviour which I wouldn't accept any more.

    That's not to say you shouldn't bother going out on dates, but more I would say don't be afraid to accept that your tastes may well change, and you may want to 'upgrade' in the future.

    Oooooh. Also, this. I know it doesn't apply to anyone but when my self-esteem was around my ankles, the behaviour I would tolerate was frankly ridiculous. Now? Betchslapping anyone into next week should they try such a stunt.

    Be mindful of those changing standards and patterns in behaviour. They can take you by surprise!
  • jakidb
    jakidb Posts: 1,010 Member
    Happily dating; if they dont want you as you are, they don't deserve you when you hit goal :)
  • iamkarent
    iamkarent Posts: 144 Member
    I agree with others....if someone wouldn't like me heavy....then I can find better anyways.

    But lets face it...looks do help turn someone's eye at first.....so some may never take that chance to get to know you....but there are plenty that will....

    My biggest tips for online dating are being completely honest and keep your pictures current. There are many that post pictures of themselves at a more favorable weight...and when the guy walks in...it is obvious...and just sets a bad tone from the start because they wonder what else was "fake" I went on several dates where the guy made comments that he was pleasantly surprised that I looked better than my photos...that they had been on a few dates where the pics had to be VERY old and about 40 lbs lighter. Those are the same women who have the stories about how guys were rude about it, or such.

    Present yourself honestly like you state, and give it a try!

    Getting married to my match.com guy next weekend :) and I am far from my goal....don't wait to start living!
  • byronsbaby
    byronsbaby Posts: 1
    Amen girl! Talk the truth!
  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
    I have to disagree with the boat load of 'if he doesn't like you overweight...'comments.

    That is complete bull - if you want to change yourself to look better, you can't call people shallow when they find you more attractive.

    I could not be with someone who I did not find physically attractive, no matter how much of a great personality they had.
  • Mpol2
    Mpol2 Posts: 442 Member
    First of all, good for you for having courage and going out. Keep that up... It will happen. I have had a lifelong weight issue, up and down like many of us here. To this day I still have a dress I have never worn, bought almost 15 years ago for when "I lose that last 10 pounds". Let weight loss success come as it comes, but dat now. Don't wait to fit in the dress.


    Second of all, good for you for deciding that somebody who does not attract you and is kinda self-absorbed is not good enough. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be cherished and you DO NOT have to settle.

    My husband and I are both weight challenged... We gain and lose together. We are trying to stay fitter more consistently, but I know without doubt that big or small he loves me for me. Let yourself be loved for who you are, not what a scale says.
  • AwesomeMoJo
    AwesomeMoJo Posts: 1,145 Member
    Girl..rock your sexy. Remember there are a LOT of men who enjoy a woman with a little meat on their bodies. If you were honest about yourself on your profile and he is wanting to go out with you..then STOP WORRYING about it...

    Go out, just enjoy it.....he wants to take you out.....

    My advice:

    Have no expectations
    Leave your reservations about yourself at home...he knows what you look like and who you are...
    Be sure to be yourself...do not pretend to be what you think he wants
    Just have fun!!!!!

    You are taking steps to take care of yourself. Go out and enjoy....

    Let us know tomorrow how it went...good or bad. The first date is always the hardest. Remember he is probably just as nervous as you are...:bigsmile:
  • dawson55510
    dawson55510 Posts: 197 Member
    Just on the opposite end of the scale

    I met my wife when i was 17 and 17st, when i was 22 i was 22st she left me when i was 29 and in the best shape of my life imo
  • dawson55510
    dawson55510 Posts: 197 Member
    So basically imo weight doesnt matter
  • Manate18
    Manate18 Posts: 2
    I just think that if you go and you get on well together and see each other again that you know he's an open minded guy. Hope the dates goes well for you.
  • skcardiog
    skcardiog Posts: 316 Member
    Just be yourself - nothing more sexy then a confident women.
  • drkuhl2017
    drkuhl2017 Posts: 181 Member
    I met my fiance online :) Online dating isn't for everyone, but there are some great people out there.

    Maybe the online dating isn't the way to go. Where did you guys meet your bf/gf/wives/husbands?
  • lythy77
    lythy77 Posts: 33 Member
    go for it.. they should accept you for you... its not all about looks. at least its not for me.
  • BrittKnee_Rae
    BrittKnee_Rae Posts: 111 Member
    I say get all dolled up, this will make you feel sexy. Confidence is attractive, your gorgeous!!! But if you don't think so no one else will!! Just HAVE FUN and relax. The way you are feeling is very common, but you cant just put your life on hold bc you feel fat.

    Im actually experiencing something similar (related to the dating topic) but completely opposite!! When I was 200+ I was alot more confident then I am now.. I know, so weird!! I was big and beautiful and there was no denying that! Now I still think im gorgeous, but my issue is I feel like im a false advertisement! haha serious with clothes on I look thin, I look hot! ha but in reality my body is used... before I looked fat with or without clothes, so its not like it was a surprise ya know!! but now its different! Im afraid to get attached in the beginning, to let someone get close to me in fear that il get rejected when things get more serious.. It would be weird of me to show up on the first date nude, right? just to get that part, out the way! like "hey BTW my bodys hideous! does that bother you? no? okay good lets go to dinner!!" if only it were that easy!!! Il just have to get used to my new found body and learn to love it! At least im healthy now!!

    But good luck on your date tonight!! and remember just HAVE FUN :)

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