Things You Won't Change - for the Singles

penrbrown
penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
in Chit-Chat
When you're single and looking all of your married and/or in a relationship friends/family/casual acquaintances come out of the woodwork to give you 'advice' on how to find a mate.

Problem is their advice usually consists of; You have to be someone else if you want to find a mate.

Sometimes their advice boils down to; You have to PRETEND to be someone else until you trick someone into loving who they think you are.

I run into this all the time and understandably it makes me feel like junk. Broken junk that has to be 'fixed' before anyone will want to be with me.

But I'm not changing! I love who I am and if someone doesn't appreciate me just the way I am, I sure as heck don't want them in my life!

What are the things that people keep telling you to change before anyone will consider being in a relationship with you? What are the things you won't change just to find a mate?

Mine are as follows:

1. I will not stop being nice. I don't care how many people take advantage of me. I don't care how many men use me. I am nice. That's who I am. I'm not going to stop.

2. I will not stop flirting. I've been told my overly aggressive flirtatious nature scares men off. Well if they're being scared off they won't be able to handle me uncensored! HAHAHA! Not changing. Sorry.

3. I will not give boring men a chance. This is a big one. If after three dates I DREAD spending time with a man I will not go out with him again. I don't care if this means I'm not 'giving him a fair chance'. I don't care if this means I'm a jerk. I'm not wasting my time with someone who bores me.

4. And no, I won't have sex with someone I'm not in a serious, committed relationship with. Sorry, it's just not happening.

So let's hear it! What are the things that you refuse to change just to end the dreaded 'single' streak?

Replies

  • Windy_
    Windy_ Posts: 1,012 Member
    Good luck being single!
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    I have never been told i need to change... maybe thats my problem....
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
    I think there's some fundamental things you should never change about yourself for anyone:

    your honour, your integrity, your self respect. The core things that make you you.

    Everything else? Up for grabs...
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    Good luck being single!

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :heart:
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    Good luck being single!

    Thank you. :)
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    I have never been told i need to change... maybe thats my problem....

    LOL Really??? Oh dear. maybe I'm the only one who gets unsolicited advice on the parts of me I need to change to trap a man.
  • rockangel8907
    rockangel8907 Posts: 429 Member
    I will not be someone I'm not to please a man. Sure I will change little things but I won't change my personality, I'm not going to go out and be overly flirty and fake laugh and be touchy with every guy in the bar....I am much more low key, I will laugh if something is funny, I will flirt if I am interested but I rarely make the first move.
    I will not change my religious beliefs.
    I will not change my political beliefs for a man, if they change it is because what I feel is right has changed.
    I will not lower my standards just so I can be in a relationship.
    I will not be fake and expect a real love/real man.
  • SlickFootAnna
    SlickFootAnna Posts: 611 Member
    I will not stop playing video games. E-V-E-R.
  • thatfitgaal
    thatfitgaal Posts: 66
    There is absolutely nothing I would change.

    If I had to change for a guy, then obviously he isn't the right one
  • fallbrawl
    fallbrawl Posts: 72
    -I will not part with my pro wrestling collection.
    - I will not shave my beard
    - I will not stop listening to country music
  • jvarhaug
    jvarhaug Posts: 76 Member
    I am to a large degree a querulans, a person who do not like just to accept things as they are written. Perhaps I should - but in this case I think you are, to a large degree, preaching a life maxim that is neither beneficial to you, nor to any of the other MFP-ers.

    I think life is negotiation, and those who stop negotiating also stop really communicating. A "me" is not a static entity, each one of us is a story, a history, if we do not change, we choose to be flat characters - destined by our former decisions and fate. One of the best characteristics of a mate, an employee etc. is their ability to adapt, to be flexible - to make new choices.

    If being a single is regarded as the most attractive option, doing any adaptation to get a mate is meaningless.
    If adaptation work is regarded as well worth expenditures in order to get a mate, and perhaps a good mate, then you should do it.

    Another thing is that you would also expect your mate to adapt, you would not like a man that in all situations just said - "I wont do it" when you suggested something new and different.

    To a certain degree it is possible to win the heart of most men/women with goal oriented long time efforts. While choosing not to adapt is, to a large degree, choosing not to achieve the life you want.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    I have never been told i need to change... maybe thats my problem....

    LOL Really??? Oh dear. maybe I'm the only one who gets unsolicited advice on the parts of me I need to change to trap a man.

    If you have people giving you advice on how to "trap" a man, you are talking to the wrong people.

    You don't have to change or become someone else to find a partner, but you do need to know how to compromise in order to work through and grow a relationship once you have one. Maybe that's what they're trying to tell you?
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    I probably wouldn't change anything. I really like who I am. I know I'm a catch. And I would truly rather be alone than conform to someone else's ideal.

    That is not say that I don't think committed relationships require sacrifice and compromise and putting someone else's needs before your own. And it is normal and healthy to learn and grow and change BECAUSE OF your relationship with another person. But I do not think it's normal or healthy to change so that you can HAVE a relationship with another person.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    I have never been told i need to change... maybe thats my problem....

    LOL Really??? Oh dear. maybe I'm the only one who gets unsolicited advice on the parts of me I need to change to trap a man.

    If you have people giving you advice on how to "trap" a man, you are talking to the wrong people.

    You don't have to change or become someone else to find a partner, but you do need to know how to compromise in order to work through and grow a relationship once you have one. Maybe that's what they're trying to tell you?

    I've been told I compromise TOO much. So no, that's not what they're telling me. They're giving me 'man trapping' hints, basically. *shrug* I've already listed the things I'm told to change. :) You tell me if those are things I should compromise on.
  • Maribel_1986
    Maribel_1986 Posts: 457 Member
    I don't think you have to change anything about yourself if you don't want to... Someone will eventually love you for who you are and what you bring to the relationship...I agree with you on part of the things you will not change Except with your "overly aggressive flirtatious nature".... i don't think it scares guys off, it may actually push them away because they figure they are just one of many who you flirt with...so they don't look for something serious with you... But I do agree with your #1 and #4 (very strongly) :)
  • WeepingAngel81
    WeepingAngel81 Posts: 2,232 Member
    I shrunk myself to fit into the life of my ex and I am paying dearly for it now. I will never do that again. Things I will not change:

    I will not change the way I view alcohol. If a man needs to drink every night, I don't want them in my life.
    I will not date someone who expects me to be physical in anyway on a first date. Life experiences have me a little scared of physical touch. I want to be comfortable with that person first and know that I want them in my life. This means paitence. If someone wants to be with me, they will take the time to understand this.
    I will not change my spiritual views. I won't thrust mine on someone, I don't want theirs put on me.
    I will not change my mind on the fact that the toilet paper should face out....this is a deal breaker :tongue:
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    I don't think you have to change anything about yourself if you don't want to... Someone will eventually love you for who you are and what you bring to the relationship...I agree with you on part of the things you will not change Except with your "overly aggressive flirtatious nature".... i don't think it scares guys off, it may actually push them away because they figure they are just one of many who you flirt with...so they don't look for something serious with you... But I do agree with your #1 and #4 (very strongly) :)

    They are just one of many whom I flirt with. :) And that won't change. Good for them to know that's my nature BEFORE they get into a relationship with me don't you think?
  • BigDaddyRonnie
    BigDaddyRonnie Posts: 506 Member
    Good luck being single!

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :heart:

    Ding! Fries are done!
  • WeepingAngel81
    WeepingAngel81 Posts: 2,232 Member
    Good luck being single!

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :heart:

    Ding! Fries are done!

    I don't think that's a fair assumption. There is always room for compromise, but there is someone out there for everyone. Someone will come along that will accept her for the things she won't change. There's always wiggle room.
  • jersey_jenn
    jersey_jenn Posts: 122 Member
    1. I will not stop being nice. I don't care how many people take advantage of me. I don't care how many men use me. I am nice. That's who I am. I'm not going to stop.
    there's a difference between being nice and being a doormat. you need to care about how many people use you, you need to care about yourself enough to not willingly allow yourself to be used.

    2. I will not stop flirting. I've been told my overly aggressive flirtatious nature scares men off. Well if they're being scared off they won't be able to handle me uncensored! HAHAHA! Not changing. Sorry.
    i don't know if your flirting is more witty banter or of a touchy nature, but if it makes your partner uncomfortable it should be toned down out of respect for him. after all, every partner wants to think that their attention is the attention that's valued, so why try to flirt and get it from elsewhere?

    3. I will not give boring men a chance. This is a big one. If after three dates I DREAD spending time with a man I will not go out with him again. I don't care if this means I'm not 'giving him a fair chance'. I don't care if this means I'm a jerk. I'm not wasting my time with someone who bores me.
    you're not a jerk. you're a beautiful young lady who shouldn't feel in any way obligated to date someone who bores you. you're looking for a mate, not an anchor.

    4. And no, I won't have sex with someone I'm not in a serious, committed relationship with. Sorry, it's just not happening.
    good for you :)
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
    Good luck being single!

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :heart:

    Ding! Fries are done!

    I don't think that's a fair assumption. There is always room for compromise, but there is someone out there for everyone. Someone will come along that will accept her for the things she won't change. There's always wiggle room.

    :) Thanks for that but no need to defend. They're just having fun.
  • yowza101
    yowza101 Posts: 196 Member
    Everyone have something about them that may need to change from something as minor as chewing with your mouth open to something major like body odor or something else. Plus as you get older you will change some things within you because you are growing and learning different things. Things that you may feel strongly about this year, you may not feel strongly about next year.

    I just say love yourself and know what you are about first. Know what you will and won't put up with in a relationship and yourself. Just say thank you for your advice and walk away or make an excuse to walk away.....SMILE. People have stopped asking me why I'm single and soooooooooo glad about that. Just take it with a grain of salt, as they say. But if someone bring up something about yourself that you may not have thought about...I'd say think about it and if its something that you want to change then its up to you to change it.

    I'm about to be 50 and love it. Comments like that don't bother me anymore, when it's time for me get involve then it will happen and not a second later.
  • stepherzzzzz
    stepherzzzzz Posts: 469 Member
    The only thing anyone has ever told me I need to change is to be less shy. Cause, ya know, I'm totally shy by choice.
  • sillygoosie
    sillygoosie Posts: 1,109 Member
    When it comes to being myself, there isn't really anything I would change. Mostly because I think it's impossible to change who you are. I am totally willing to compromise on the little daily things. I certainly don't want to meet someone who would be perfect if only... No one is the perfect match for anyone else. You just look for someone you can love enough that you accept everything about them.

    I outright refuse to lie about myself to attract anyone. Maybe that's why I'm...

    milhouseforeveralone.gif
  • holmesp603
    holmesp603 Posts: 350 Member
    Wow - Let me first say this about:
    I will not change my mind on the fact that the toilet paper should face out....this is a deal breaker!!

    For whatever reason I totally agreed & recently I fell hard in love overnite!! I know-I know - but anyway I was in his BR & TP was faced the wong way (says me!) & it bothered me & I told him & he was like, huh?? Well I like it that way, but if its that important to u
    then change it! & I did - but then the next time I was in his BR - something came over me & I realized that it wasnt that deal breaker that I had ALWAYS stood by!!! So I changed it & havent thought about it since!!! Once upon a time, that wld have NEVER happened!

    So while a person should never change WHO they are - it is ok to compromise on somethings that MAKE you who you are - surely you will want that compromise from the other person!

    I got divorced in 2011 and just got engaged recently to be married very soon...I cld wite a book about the changes that are made that you are not even aware of - when it is the RIGHT one and that MUST be a TWO way street!

    As for flirting - I love to flirt - now while this is something that I HAVE NOT changed it DID natually tone down - again - I would expect
    the same from him - not to necessarily change - but to alter it...I dont wanna see my man flirting all the time & guessing he doesnt want to see me, its called respect...He wasnt crazy about my flirtin but told me that I have an awesome pesonality & social skills & he wld never want to stop that - but to tone it down would be nice, So NOT a deal breaker!!!!!
    Am I making any sense???

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