I'm bored... Tell me a joke :D

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2

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  • neandermagnon
    neandermagnon Posts: 7,436 Member
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    what do you call a fly with no wings?

    a walk.


    what's brown and sticky?

    a stick


    why did Karl Marx drink camomile tea?

    because proper tea is theft
  • hdsqrl
    hdsqrl Posts: 420 Member
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    (Aww, editing because the person above me posted the stick joke at the same time I did, hah! Here's another one.)


    You know how sometimes you'll see geese flying overhead, and they're in a V formation, with one side of the V longer than the other side? Do you know why that is?


    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .



    There are more geese on that side.

    :laugh:
  • PottsvilleCurse1925
    PottsvilleCurse1925 Posts: 354 Member
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    An egg and a chicken are laying in bed together.

    The egg turns to the chicken and goes, "well, I guess we've answered that question."
  • perfekta
    perfekta Posts: 331 Member
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    Johnny’s teacher asked him how the weekend went.
    He told her, “Horribly, a car hit my dog in the *kitten*
    She corrected him replying, “rectum.”
    Johnny said, “Wrecked him? Damn near killed him!!”
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    We all took a group photo last Christmas...it should be done printing around Easter...
  • amberlykay1014
    amberlykay1014 Posts: 608 Member
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    How do you move sleeping cattle?

    -- With a bull dozer! :laugh:
  • EricB56
    EricB56 Posts: 9 Member
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    Get comfortable, it's a long joke. I love it because it is the only one I know with two punchlines . . .

    A priest is sweeping the steps in front of the church before mass when guy with no arms walks up to him. "Father, I was born without arms and it has been my lifelong ambition to ring the church bell." The priest says, "I have no idea how you would do that, but it is time for mass so you are welcome to try." Up in the bell tower they go. The armless guy is looking around for ideas but there does not appear any easy way for him to ring the bell. The father says, "It is time. Either you find a way or I will have to ring it for mass." Out of ideas, the guy gets a running start and goes face first into the bell. A little stunned, he staggers back and gives it another run. On the third shot, he is quite dazed, misses the bell and goes out the window. A crowd gathers below and see's the priest in the bell tower. "Father, do you know who this man is?" "I have never seen him before, but his face rings a bell."

    But wait, there's more . . .

    The next week the priest is out in front of the church when he sees the armless guy again. "I thought you were in the hospital!" "No, that is my twin brother. I thought I would try to cheer him up by finishing what he started and ringing the bell." Priest says, "I don't know about that. Last time did not go very well." Armless guy: "I know, but it would really mean a lot to my brother." Priest says, "Fine. It is about time for mass. Let's go." Same thing happens except this time when he goes out the window, he breaks his neck and dies. A cop is walking by and sees the ordeal. He checks the armless guy out, looks up to the bell tower and says, "Padre, this guy is a dead ringer for the guy here last week."
  • nightengale7
    nightengale7 Posts: 563 Member
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    Get comfortable, it's a long joke. I love it because it is the only one I know with two punchlines . . .

    A priest is sweeping the steps in front of the church before mass when guy with no arms walks up to him. "Father, I was born without arms and it has been my lifelong ambition to ring the church bell." The priest says, "I have no idea how you would do that, but it is time for mass so you are welcome to try." Up in the bell tower they go. The armless guy is looking around for ideas but there does not appear any easy way for him to ring the bell. The father says, "It is time. Either you find a way or I will have to ring it for mass." Out of ideas, the guy gets a running start and goes face first into the bell. A little stunned, he staggers back and gives it another run. On the third shot, he is quite dazed, misses the bell and goes out the window. A crowd gathers below and see's the priest in the bell tower. "Father, do you know who this man is?" "I have never seen him before, but his face rings a bell."

    But wait, there's more . . .

    The next week the priest is out in front of the church when he sees the armless guy again. "I thought you were in the hospital!" "No, that is my twin brother. I thought I would try to cheer him up by finishing what he started and ringing the bell." Priest says, "I don't know about that. Last time did not go very well." Armless guy: "I know, but it would really mean a lot to my brother." Priest says, "Fine. It is about time for mass. Let's go." Same thing happens except this time when he goes out the window, he breaks his neck and dies. A cop is walking by and sees the ordeal. He checks the armless guy out, looks up to the bell tower and says, "Padre, this guy is a dead ringer for the guy here last week."

    Ha! I actually giggled a little at that one :happy:
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    Get comfortable, it's a long joke. I love it because it is the only one I know with two punchlines . . .

    A priest is sweeping the steps in front of the church before mass when guy with no arms walks up to him. "Father, I was born without arms and it has been my lifelong ambition to ring the church bell." The priest says, "I have no idea how you would do that, but it is time for mass so you are welcome to try." Up in the bell tower they go. The armless guy is looking around for ideas but there does not appear any easy way for him to ring the bell. The father says, "It is time. Either you find a way or I will have to ring it for mass." Out of ideas, the guy gets a running start and goes face first into the bell. A little stunned, he staggers back and gives it another run. On the third shot, he is quite dazed, misses the bell and goes out the window. A crowd gathers below and see's the priest in the bell tower. "Father, do you know who this man is?" "I have never seen him before, but his face rings a bell."

    But wait, there's more . . .

    The next week the priest is out in front of the church when he sees the armless guy again. "I thought you were in the hospital!" "No, that is my twin brother. I thought I would try to cheer him up by finishing what he started and ringing the bell." Priest says, "I don't know about that. Last time did not go very well." Armless guy: "I know, but it would really mean a lot to my brother." Priest says, "Fine. It is about time for mass. Let's go." Same thing happens except this time when he goes out the window, he breaks his neck and dies. A cop is walking by and sees the ordeal. He checks the armless guy out, looks up to the bell tower and says, "Padre, this guy is a dead ringer for the guy here last week."

    This reminds me...a lady places a personal ad asking for a man who "won't beat me, won't run out on me, and is very well endowed". One day the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "I am here in reply to your ad in the personals" he tells her. "Are you sure?" she asks. "Yes he says, you wanted someone who won't beat you, see I have no arms....and who won't run out on you, see I have no legs". "Oh I see" she blushes considers this for a moment hems and haws and then asks "ummmm, what about the 3rd requirement". "Well how do you think I rang the doorbell?" She lets him in.
  • Mama_Mila
    Mama_Mila Posts: 511 Member
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    How do you catch a unique rabbit?? Unique up on him :tongue: hehehe makes me laugh every time.
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,141 Member
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    "Vodka please"

    "Sorry ma'am, this is McDonalds"

    "Oh sorry!! McVodka and supersize it please"
  • Smackemdanno
    Smackemdanno Posts: 83 Member
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    What kink of cereal can you eat while riding a bicycle and jumping ramps?


    Double nut crunch!
  • BSchoberg
    BSchoberg Posts: 712 Member
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    <----
    What do Pink Floyd and Princess Dianna have in common?


    ....Their last big hit was the wall.

    LMFAO
  • BSchoberg
    BSchoberg Posts: 712 Member
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    What is red and smells like blue paint?

    Red paint!

    HAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAAAA! Sorry...I'm not a good joke teller. :-(

    Ok, that made me laugh. Laugh and laugh!
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,763 Member
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    Why did the orange go to the doctor?

    He wasn't "peeling" well.
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,763 Member
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    "Vodka please"

    "Sorry ma'am, this is McDonalds"

    "Oh sorry!! McVodka and supersize it please"

    There was one recently where this fella said if McDonalds ever started selling hot dogs, he wondered if anyone would be brave enough to order a McWeiner, and supersize it.
  • SaraNiyah
    SaraNiyah Posts: 17
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    A cheeky one:)

    What is irony?
    That after 25 years of marriage you find out that your wife is not so passionate in bed but has asthma :O
  • MomiTia
    MomiTia Posts: 94 Member
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    What is red and smells like blue paint?

    Red paint!

    HAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAAAA! Sorry...I'm not a good joke teller. :-(

    Ok, that made me laugh. Laugh and laugh!

    Me too :)
  • spongeh
    spongeh Posts: 152 Member
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    My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

    I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."
  • BigTnew
    BigTnew Posts: 22 Member
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    What do Pink Floyd and Princess Dianna have in common?


    ....Their last big hit was the wall.

    Too soon!

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