When Obesity Becomes a Security Blanket

ShyFeather
ShyFeather Posts: 138 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I have a family member that I'm worried about. She heard from the doctor that she needs to lose weight. She had a knee injury that her weight was putting stress on and she's been at risk for diabetes on and off for years. She told the doctor it was no problem; she had lost weight before and she could do it again. However, it turns out this time around it is much more difficult for her.

Her obesity has become a security blanket she can hide behind caused by the horrible childhood she had. Her grandfather sexually molested her from the age of 3 to the age of 9. Her father was an alcoholic as well but, as he never hurt her, he did always fight and sometimes hurt her mother. He abandoned her when she was around 10. All of it she blamed herself for.

She is much older now, has had counseling to help coop with the deep self-loathing that was engrained into her since childhood, but now that she has been told she should lose weight, she is struggling to start. She has a natural distrust of men. When she first lost weight, she says she would get more looks and comments like "Hey baby". I don't know if these people were explicitly hitting on her or it was just a big deal in her mind since she even sees John Mayer's song "Daughters" as being sung by a guy who only wants to get into a girl's pants (ironic since it was written for girls like her). But any little amount of attention from the opposite sex scares her.

So she gained the weight back, and now she needs to lose it again. While she wants to be healthy, she is afraid of being attractive. Her obesity is what she uses to protect herself and it's hard for her to let go of that. So I'm telling you about my family member because I want to help her so much. Here the weight I lost melted off of me like butter, but I didn't have nearly the kind of struggle she has. I can't overcome her problems for her, but I don't know how to help her even get started. If something isn't done soon, she could end up becoming more handicapped or have diabetes. Please help me with any ideas, suggestions, comments, anything.

Replies

  • glitteredgrave
    glitteredgrave Posts: 194 Member
    I'm so sorry your friend had a rough childhood :-/ unfortunately, you can't keep people from making inappropriate comments. She should turn that around when people say things like that, and feel more confident, and beautiful instead. :flowerforyou:
  • runningfataway
    runningfataway Posts: 262
    She's suppressing her emotions with food. It's her coping strategy to keep her safe. Somewhere along the way she made an unconscious decision to deny her feelings, and be strong by handling things on her on. I don't really know what you can tell her but it's true that "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." Pain is something we've all experienced, and suffering is caused by suppressing the discomfort we feel. I feel as she will feel much more lighter when she begins to open up to hidden feelings either by writing them down, or going to see a counselor.

    Some things that work with me are writing down the emotions I experience each day for a week. Simply listing them to get an idea how emotional I really am. The next week, I repeat writing down my emotions but this time I consider how I delt with those emotions which is usually by turning to food.

    Although I haven't had a traumatic past, I can definitely relate to her in that I don't like being recognized by the opposite sex either and it has a lot to do with my self consciousness and insecurities. I feel as losing weight would benefit me greatly. And, having your family member see a counselor and maybe try (cognitive behavioral therapy) to realize that the past is in the past, and that not all men are evil - it will benefit her greatly. Best of luck to you all!
  • DaniH826
    DaniH826 Posts: 1,335 Member
    Why is she still allowing herself to be controlled by who I assume by now is a dead man?

    I understand and feel for her, but at some point in the game she's going to have to make the decision to claim her life back instead of being afraid of it.
  • runningfataway
    runningfataway Posts: 262
    Why is she still allowing herself to be controlled by who I assume by now is a dead man?

    I understand and feel for her, but at some point in the game she's going to have to make the decision to claim her life back instead of being afraid of it.

    Once you experience such trauma, you see males in a whole other light. She doesn't only fear her grandfather, but every man. Fear is a horrible thing. The pain you've experienced in early childhood lingers on and follows you till you're an old woman. It even makes you depressed and causes anxiety, there's really no way around it except for her to move on and to release her feelings. The memories will still be there, but it's how she'll react to them that will change everything.
  • wimeezer
    wimeezer Posts: 404 Member
    Bless you for wanting to help.

    Please encourage her to go back into therapy; she needs to work with a professional to work through her past so she can take charge of her life. It's hard work to face the demons but peace will come.

    I'm doing this now.

    Prayers and best wishes your family member finds her way.
  • DaniH826
    DaniH826 Posts: 1,335 Member
    Once you experience such trauma, you see males in a whole other light. She doesn't only fear her grandfather, but every man. Fear is a horrible thing. The pain you've experienced in early childhood lingers on and follows you till you're an old woman. It even makes you depressed and causes anxiety, there's really no way around it except for her to move on and to release her feelings. The memories will still be there, but it's how she'll react to them that will change everything.

    Yes, I'm aware. I, too, used to project that ONE person onto EVERY man. I had to learn that every man is NOT an abusive jerk and I had to learn to get control back. At some point I realized, hey, this is MY life, and nobody else gets to control MY decisions anymore. I'm an adult, and I make, and own, ALL of my decisions.
  • RhonndaJ
    RhonndaJ Posts: 1,615 Member
    I don't know if your family member is morbidly obese, but it's not unusual for the morbidly obese to use their obesity as a security blanket. In this I speak from experience.

    While she's had some therapy to help her cope with her past, she will need a great deal more to help her through the challenge of losing weight and facing up to the inevitable attention.

    I hope she can find the held she needs, but it will not be an easy, or short, road ahead for her.
  • 5ftnFun
    5ftnFun Posts: 948 Member
    To keep it simple, it sounds like she would benefit from more counseling. Maybe suggest that to her. If she refuses, then all you can do is be supportive.

    Edit: I see this was suggested. Duh to me.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    Bless your heart for wanting to help your family member. She's got a long road ahead of her, and the advances can make a lot of women go back into hiding. It's scary that was one of the things that put weight back on me.

    She'll need to come to terms with the fact that as she loses weight she will get attention and it will be unwanted scary attention from creepy men and women. I hope she keeps doing the counseling.

    I dont know how old she is, but age helps too puts things into prospective. I'm not as scared of men as I was in my 20's. I would run the other way anytime I was approached.

    She will need to want to lose weight for herself. If she can think this is for me nothing else matters that will help, and then she will be able to handle the attention that comes with weightloss.

    I wish I could rip the head off the people who hurt her, and then all the stupid idiots who treated her like an invisible fly when she was overweight and then suddenly started drooling over her when she "became more attractive." She like a lot of us learned that although there are many drawbacks to being obese it also has a lot of benefits and you cant be hurt when you have padding. I pray for her and thank you that you love her so much you want the best.

    Makes me angry whenI think about the pain they caused. I hate humans they suck!
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    Why is she still allowing herself to be controlled by who I assume by now is a dead man?

    I understand and feel for her, but at some point in the game she's going to have to make the decision to claim her life back instead of being afraid of it.

    Walk in another "man's" shoes...
  • k8blujay2
    k8blujay2 Posts: 4,941 Member
    I agree with those that suggested counselling... I think this is the only way she is going to clear her mind of the negative feelings and improve her life in all aspects.
  • losingweightfindingme
    losingweightfindingme Posts: 109 Member
    I am a person who has recently realized that I use my obesity as a security blanket. At one point in my life I had such a fear of rejection by anyone (especially men). I became convinced that if these people didn't like me for "who i am" (meaning what I am as an obese person), then that was their issue. I was allowing myself to be influenced by other people's perceptions of me. Even today I remain chronically single because it's easier to hole up in my obese self than to put myself out there and make a real human connection. Years of counseling have taught me that it all stems back to a very abusive relationship (never physically, but emotionally and mentally) where I was consistently told that he was the best I would ever get and a guy like him was more than a fatty like me deserved. I was convinced that he was right. I felt cr*ppy about myself so I holed up at home and ate cr*ppy food. Then I got more obese and felt even more miserable about myself. It's a complete spiral downward. Only after starting to work with a counselor (at the recommendation of one of my coworkers) a few years ago did I finally allow myself to see the untruth in what he was saying. It's odd how one person can (and always will) have some bearing on our lives (even though they often shouldn't). The want to change needs to come from within...but sometimes needs a little nudge, like that therapist did for me a few years ago.

    I've since started expanding my sphere of friends/connections and have begun to learn that that is not the case at all. Self confidence started growing within me. I've found that since starting to transform my life, my confidence has exploded. The more confident I am inside, the more proud I want to be about my outer shell. I learned that fat or not, my weight does not define who I am...it's just the vessel that carries my soul. I have also learned that the more proud I am about who I am inside, the more I want to be immensely proud of my vessel as well. Change begets change. It only takes a spark.
  • lizzybethclaire
    lizzybethclaire Posts: 849 Member
    *bump*
  • blleadon
    blleadon Posts: 187 Member
    I'm so sorry for your friend. I haven't read all of the responses, but it sounds like she would need counseling to deal with her childhood trauma before letting her security blanket (obesity) go. The difficult part to that is that she would have to agree to get help for that trauma in the first place. If that is not dealt with she will always find something to use as a crutch. Unfortunately at the moment, it is the weight.

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