Single and left out
I know this is a dieting website but I need to rant I guess and I see other people talking about other things on here so I hope this is OK :-) i am just so completely tired of being left out of things because I'm not married or part of a couple. I've been divorced for three years and no longer get invited out by some of my married friends because its like they only want to do things with couples. These are friends I've had since middle school, college, etc. and my own family is the same way. They never call me to invite me out to dinner or over for visits. My sister will ask "are you going to moms for dinner?" And I say "we'll she didn't call and tell me" and then my mom will say "we'll you know your always invited". It's frustrating because its like I'm not worth the phone call. My half sister sends my Christmas card to my parent's house and my cousins only sent cards to my married sisters. It's like since I'm single, I'm not important enough for them to call and get my address.I know I probably sound like a baby but I'm pretty happy being single right now until it comes to this stuff. I'm tired of feeling like my daughters and I aren't a "real" family because I'm not married. I got a (nice) new apartment and whenever I suggest anybody comes to visit they always either try to get me to come there instead or make a comment about leaving their kid at home with thier husband even though my intent is for their whole family to come over. I just needed to see if its unreasonable for me to feel that way and why that is and if anybody else has had this problem. Thanks for listening!
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As my friends have got married and even had kids, same here. I hardly see them any more, they seem to prefer to spend time with other couples either in or out.
I wouldn't mind but the ones who then break up after a long while then call as they realise that their own friends are in essence gone and they try and rebuild their single circle of friends until they do the same thing again eventually. I tend not to make much effort to see them when they do that as I feel like I'm being used. They should have made the effort to maintain the friendship when they were still a couple...
So similar problem, except I've ever been married so...0 -
I am very introverted, so I have about 5 friends that I hang out with. When I was married, I never really could do stuff with them much. Now that I am divorced, and my kids visit their mom two weekends per month, I could hang out. Well, now two of them are married, and the other three are in a relationship. So that means my free weekends, I sit at home. Alone. Luckily, the wives of my two married friends really like me, so I actually do see them sometimes. Most of the time I am content. As long as I got my kids, I am happy. But it sucks sitting at home alone when they are gone.
Not exactly the same situation as you, but similar enough that I get where you are coming from. Sorry I don't have any advice, as I still struggle with this myself.0 -
sometimes you have to take the first step and invite them! If something else is going on at the time go with it! My mom does the same thing. I live like a minutes walk away and on the same property... I always send out cards to those I get cards from the year before. just be the first one and they'll respond!
I'm widowed, 10 years, 2 teens, and getting married soon. my mom and most family have no clue... lol!!! they find out soon enough!
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I know what you're talking about. My college friends have all slowly married off. We are all still in the same line of work, but things have definitely changed and I get left out as well. We all used to go to conferences together; now it has become the married couples go to conference together and then they act surprised if I go...like I shouldn't better myself and my career because I'm not married. Dinners and get-togethers that used to be for everyone are now for the married couples. It's annoying and sometimes upsetting, especially when you see that you're losing friends you've had for a very long time.0
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Really sorry to hear you feel left out! It isn't right but you can make new single friends. I think you can only change your attitude and reaction to people but not other people.
When I moved countries I found myself really alone (my own doing so didn't hurt as much) but I found joining a local walking club helped me meet new like minded people while staying fit.
My other friends have done similar things find what interests you and meet like minded people so you aren't so annoyed and frustrated by the way your family and friends are treating you. You never know you may have so much fun being single you won't care that they don't include you and they may actually be jealous of your freedom.
Suggestions:
1) Start a group on here to meet local singles
2) pick a hobby and take a course - cooking (healthy), knitting, creative writing, oil painting
3) pick a sport / activity and join a club - running, hiking, indoor climbing, ice skating
Enjoy being able to live life on your timescale, I know I do!
Good luck!0 -
girl i totally feel you. i will say that 6 months ago i did find my soul mate but you sound exactly like me before i did. I had been in a long relationship and split up and spent 3 years losing weight, getting my life together (apartment , etc) and being a strong single woman! i LOVED it! absolutely loved being single . i even got asked on dates and would turn them down left and right cause i just didn't wanna date anyone but myself! without going into details i had lots of similar "left out" things like you mentioned happen to me...... i started dealing with my left out feeling by throwing a party. it was a "im a strong single woman that takes care of myself and wanna host my friends in my house " party....... some ppl didn't show when they said they would come. and that always happens, to anyone , single or not.... but the people that did come we had a blast. one of my friends even brought her kids i was suprised! instead of getting down when they don't send you cards or you feel left out, maybe do something nice for them! send them a book on a rainy day or a flower just because. i used to get so mad at my other friends cause they were all married and have kids i would post " hahaha im single and loving it ! no obligations i get to do what i want!" on facebook. and to be honest, you wouldn't believe how many of the ppl that are married wish they would've stayed single longer and found out who they really were before jumping in! i say GO YOU! be single and enjoy it! in the meantime, everytime you feel like that, kill em with kindness! don't beat yourself up for doing something you truly enjoy! (and sometimes a "i can leave my dishes in the sink cause im single and i can" post makes you feel good too! let ppl know you are happy with yourself and they will be too! good luck, and love.0
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I am very introverted, so I have about 5 friends that I hang out with. When I was married, I never really could do stuff with them much. Now that I am divorced, and my kids visit their mom two weekends per month, I could hang out. Well, now two of them are married, and the other three are in a relationship. So that means my free weekends, I sit at home. Alone. Luckily, the wives of my two married friends really like me, so I actually do see them sometimes. Most of the time I am content. As long as I got my kids, I am happy. But it sucks sitting at home alone when they are gone.
Not exactly the same situation as you, but similar enough that I get where you are coming from. Sorry I don't have any advice, as I still struggle with this myself.
hey buddy! maybe you could make something? do you like to make things out of wood or metal? sometimes getting bored and messing around with scraps will show you a talent you didn't know you had! i have two guy friends in their late 40s and one in their 50s and the guy in his 40s just found out like 2 years ago that he is a fabulous landscape painter! and my other guy friend had been making these awesome wood tables in his man cave! have boy toy time! you will feel more productive
and i lvoe your hat cowboy - yee haw! 0 -
I don't think your situation is unique. Couples do seem to associate with other couples - married or not. I had the opposite happen a bit when one of my good married "couple" friends would always invite me out to eat with them (and other couples) but always had someone for me to meet. A bit awkard to say the least. The meeting were always fine, but the point of the dinner was "let's introduce her to him" kind of thing.
It's just the way things are. You're friends aren't being bad to you. Accept it, invite them over to your place, and make new friends.
If you enjoy doing something in a social setting that your couple friends would enjoy see if they would be interested.
With your new found confidence get yourself out out there:
Examples might include: A group "Contradance" - like a square dance where they teach you how to do it 30 minutes before the dance - unually held at a church or big facility. Dance classes.
Group sports (bowling) or some sort of couple night out. It may be harder for you to initiate it, but once you do, and do a few, they'll get the idea and hopefully invite you to their nights out. If not, well, there might be other issues to fry.0 -
I am very introverted, so I have about 5 friends that I hang out with. When I was married, I never really could do stuff with them much. Now that I am divorced, and my kids visit their mom two weekends per month, I could hang out. Well, now two of them are married, and the other three are in a relationship. So that means my free weekends, I sit at home. Alone. Luckily, the wives of my two married friends really like me, so I actually do see them sometimes. Most of the time I am content. As long as I got my kids, I am happy. But it sucks sitting at home alone when they are gone.
Not exactly the same situation as you, but similar enough that I get where you are coming from. Sorry I don't have any advice, as I still struggle with this myself.
I know exqctly what you mean. My girls are with their dad two nights a week and I have all this time where I could go out and I want to go out but not by myself all the time. I end up going to my parents house alot on my free nights just so I have somebody to talk to but it gets a little old. I want to have some fun I don't have anybody I can call to hang out because one of the nights is a school/work night and then on weekends my married friends always have plans. 0 -
Welcome to life. Nobody's going to hold your hand. Get over it. You're reading into it & being overly senstitive, IMO. I dont think these people sit around at night trying to figure out ways to "exclude" you because you're single.0
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sometimes you have to take the first step and invite them! If something else is going on at the time go with it! My mom does the same thing. I live like a minutes walk away and on the same property... I always send out cards to those I get cards from the year before. just be the first one and they'll respond!
I'm widowed, 10 years, 2 teens, and getting married soon. my mom and most family have no clue... lol!!! they find out soon enough!
Lol - like your attitude! :-) i try to be optimistic like this and I'm always the first to send Christmas cards out and am always inviting people over for dinner or whatever but it's like everybody thinks I'm weird for asking - like since I don't have a man for their husbands to hang out with and not an actual house that for some reason it won't work. It's so frustrating! 0 -
As a single, social woman, I do a lot of the inviting. Stop waiting around for others to ask you and plan something yourself.0
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they probably wanna keep their husbands at home, cause you're smokin' hot. lol!!! I'm jk... but you are smokin' hot, fantastic before/after pic. I will agree with the poster who said you may need to reach out and tell them directly that you want the whole family over. I have a very active three year old and assume my single friends/fam with no kids don't want him stompin thru their house like a bull in a china store. I mean,I do watch him and stay on him, but if a house isn't somewhat child proof it's a huge stress for me, bc I am NOT one of these moms who lets him destroy people's property. Anyway, reach out. They are your family and friends and I'm sure they do love you. with life for everyone being so busy these days, some people don't take the minute to slow down and realize things like that. Good luck!0
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total side note.....Dayyyyum, nice weight loss! You look awesome in your picture!0
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I will admit when I got married I did end up with less of my friends and even my family in my life but my circumstances and the person I married perpetuated the need to move in that direction. I wanted to see my friends and family all the time but I didn't get as much opportunity as I had being single and not a mom.
However I am still reaching out to them when I can and they understand being a single mom comes with it's own hardship and restriction on time (since many of them are single mom's now too) When you have a family where it is 2, 3 or more like gets busier and when time starts to move at a pace you can see your friends again and more often they think you fell off the face of the earth. It isn't always so.
But I do feel you on seeing others on here doing things with their SO and how their SO's encourage and even join them on their journey. I feel like that is something I am missing out on in a way, and I miss companionship of a spouse or significant other.0 -
:flowerforyou: I feel for you. I am married but my husband is like... I'm going over to a friend's house...
so then I have my 2 kids to take care of alone. Do any of his friends ever come to our house? Nope. Do they ever invite our entire family over? Nope. So I just hang with my mom most of the time. I'm ok with it though. I don't read too much into it.
I think if those "friends" really knew how you felt, they would make more of an effort. Have you taken inventory of your behavior around other people? I mean do you constantly drone on and on about your ex? Talk about how no one invites you over? This can be really off putting to people. Try being upbeat and positive the next time you talk to your friends and family. Explain how you feel to them and let them know you are open to spending time with them whenever and where ever they like. It can't always be on your terms
Good luck!! :flowerforyou:0 -
I've had this happen and it kind of sucks to accept. A good friend of mine was a single mom with her son and we went through things together where I was there for her. All of a sudden she met a guy (that I encouraged her to go dance with) and they ended up married/having another baby and boom...I'm no longer relevant. I get it though because her husband is her best friend. She would invite me to things with a bunch of other couples with children and I ended up being the "babysitter" while all the other couples mingled. After one or two more of those times I really didn't want to deal with that anymore. If I want to hang out with her it's only on her schedule and at her place, but she's ready to pack up and go whenever it involves other couples with kids. I try to be understanding because I know the kids can play with each other, but ultimately we're not close anymore. Life happens. Don't take it so personally as I have to remind myself the same.0
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Same thing happens to me all the time. I've pretty much just gotten used to being alone (well, me and my kids). My whole family lives out of state so that's not the issue but all of my friends here are married or in relationships. When I do visit my family I usually feel awkward due to the fact that I'm extremely introverted around people I don't know and I'm always the only single person there. Seriously, at my brother's wedding recently I was the only single person invited. With my friends here it's always "you should have gone with us" after the event happened. I suppose I'm luckier than most though because I have my boys full time so at least I can hang out with them. Although they don't always think it's so lucky :laugh: I'm content being single and I do enjoy spending time by myself so at least I have that going for me.0
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girl i totally feel you. i will say that 6 months ago i did find my soul mate but you sound exactly like me before i did. I had been in a long relationship and split up and spent 3 years losing weight, getting my life together (apartment , etc) and being a strong single woman! i LOVED it! absolutely loved being single . i even got asked on dates and would turn them down left and right cause i just didn't wanna date anyone but myself! without going into details i had lots of similar "left out" things like you mentioned happen to me...... i started dealing with my left out feeling by throwing a party. it was a "im a strong single woman that takes care of myself and wanna host my friends in my house " party....... some ppl didn't show when they said they would come. and that always happens, to anyone , single or not.... but the people that did come we had a blast. one of my friends even brought her kids i was suprised! instead of getting down when they don't send you cards or you feel left out, maybe do something nice for them! send them a book on a rainy day or a flower just because. i used to get so mad at my other friends cause they were all married and have kids i would post " hahaha im single and loving it ! no obligations i get to do what i want!" on facebook. and to be honest, you wouldn't believe how many of the ppl that are married wish they would've stayed single longer and found out who they really were before jumping in! i say GO YOU! be single and enjoy it! in the meantime, everytime you feel like that, kill em with kindness! don't beat yourself up for doing something you truly enjoy! (and sometimes a "i can leave my dishes in the sink cause im single and i can" post makes you feel good too! let ppl know you are happy with yourself and they will be too! good luck, and love.
Yep - this is pretty much how I'm feeling! :-) i lost weight, I run my own business, I have a new apartment and I'm doing well - I just
Want. To enjoy life and have fun and be around my friends and everything. I would love to meet new people - I'm just having a hard time figuring out how. It seems like the only places to go around here involve food or alcohol so being on a diet and a non-drinker kinda puts a damper on things. Maybe I'll take your advice and just have a party and invite anybody and not worry about whether they come or not. What have I got to lose?? :-) thank you! :-)0 -
I used to go through this. I had to make some changes.
I really like couples, and we had a group of woman that have known each other since grade school. They all brought their husbands and it's a great time. Then one of the gals died. We still invite her husband, but he hasn't come yet. (Sure lots of reasons - but not sure he wants to be involved.)
In the end, you are responsible for your happiness. Join a church, go bowling, play on a softball team or join a running club - there are lots of opportunities to be with other people - and you might meet some others just looking for a friend. When it comes to the others, send real invitations inviting the whole family over if that is what you want. With your family, it's OK to say what you need and why you feel that way.
Good luck.0 -
:flowerforyou: I feel for you. I am married but my husband is like... I'm going over to a friend's house...
so then I have my 2 kids to take care of alone. Do any of his friends ever come to our house? Nope. Do they ever invite our entire family over? Nope. So I just hang with my mom most of the time. I'm ok with it though. I don't read too much into it.
I think if those "friends" really knew how you felt, they would make more of an effort. Have you taken inventory of your behavior around other people? I mean do you constantly drone on and on about your ex? Talk about how no one invites you over? This can be really off putting to people. Try being upbeat and positive the next time you talk to your friends and family. Explain how you feel to them and let them know you are open to spending time with them whenever and where ever they like. It can't always be on your terms
Good luck!! :flowerforyou:
I have thought of this but I am a very happy person - especially lately. I get along with my ex and I have been very happy about things. I think my family gets annoyed with my dieting stuff because I won't eat much but I'm not always going on and on about it. I don't complain about being single or anything. I have heard before though that married people don't like being around divorced people because they think it will like rub off or something ridiculous like that lol. Maybe that's it?? :-)0 -
that is good advice. I love the bit about sending real invitations. People have gotten away from those, thank you cards, written letters, etc... Would be a very lovely, thoughtful thing to do.I used to go through this. I had to make some changes.
I really like couples, and we had a group of woman that have known each other since grade school. They all brought their husbands and it's a great time. Then one of the gals died. We still invite her husband, but he hasn't come yet. (Sure lots of reasons - but not sure he wants to be involved.)
In the end, you are responsible for your happiness. Join a church, go bowling, play on a softball team or join a running club - there are lots of opportunities to be with other people - and you might meet some others just looking for a friend. When it comes to the others, send real invitations inviting the whole family over if that is what you want. With your family, it's OK to say what you need and why you feel that way.
Good luck.0 -
The nature of marriage, or even a serious relationship is that a person dedicate their time, money, and efforts to building a life together. Of course that doesn't mean abondening friends and others, but those opportunities to go out change...as they should. If you were married or in a serious relationship you would end up the same over time.
Join some activity clubs, stay active in sports or your church, and find others with common interests and goals. That is all you can do until your time comes.0 -
Sorry...I have no advice. I am married and hang out with whoever.. BTW..you look gorgeous in the red dress in your profile pic!0
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I used to go through this. I had to make some changes.
I really like couples, and we had a group of woman that have known each other since grade school. They all brought their husbands and it's a great time. Then one of the gals died. We still invite her husband, but he hasn't come yet. (Sure lots of reasons - but not sure he wants to be involved.)
In the end, you are responsible for your happiness. Join a church, go bowling, play on a softball team or join a running club - there are lots of opportunities to be with other people - and you might meet some others just looking for a friend. When it comes to the others, send real invitations inviting the whole family over if that is what you want. With your family, it's OK to say what you need and why you feel that way.
Good luck.
I thought about joining a church to meet people (friends, not a man lol) but I'm not religious and felt like that would be wrong I do want to find some kind of team or something active to do - that's a good idea I work by myself at home so I'm not around other people much on a daily basis so I guess I just have to find somewhere else. I go to the gym but nobody talks to anybody much it seems like. I was standing waiting for my class to start the other day and there were four other women waiting too and they were all playing on their phones instead of being social lol. I guess I worry that it will be that way no matter what I try :-) But I should just do it and see instead of assuming! 0 -
Sorry...I have no advice. I am married and hang out with whoever.. BTW..you look gorgeous in the red dress in your profile pic!
Thanks! :-)0 -
I agree with the other responses but also:
Like attracts like. Couples mix with couples.
You could be intimidating to the women now that you've lost weight.
Let it be known that you are completely ok with being a single person at an event. You are in transition.
I would have no problem inviting you to a party.
The bigger the event, the less other couples would feel awkward inviting you. Like the other poster said, if you go out with a couple, who's the man going to socialize with? In every small group I've been in, the women usually gravitate toward the women, men toward men. So bigger gatherings should be fine for you.0 -
I agree with the other responses but also:
Like attracts like. Couples mix with couples.
You could be intimidating to the women now that you've lost weight.
Let it be known that you are completely ok with being a single person at an event. You are in transition.
I would have no problem inviting you to a party.
The bigger the event, the less other couples would feel awkward inviting you. Like the other poster said, if you go out with a couple, who's the man going to socialize with? In every small group I've been in, the women usually gravitate toward the women, men toward men. So bigger gatherings should be fine for you.
That is true. I guess I just figure the people I've known my whole life and have been friends with for over a decade would still wanna be around but things change and I can't expect this to be any different for me. "If you can't change the people around you, change the people around you", right? :-)0 -
Not wishing to sound nasty, but was just thinking about this and what came to mind...
Surely some of your group of friends stayed single?
Presuming this is the case - it would seem you've done to them what you're now finding happening to yourself - that you've left them out of your social circle for whatever reason.
I tend to be pretty 'all inclusive' for any social event I organise - but then at the moment I've been single for far too long - and I've certainly not done the 'wife and kids' thing.0 -
I was just thinking about this earlier today... I was a divorced mom of 2 toddlers in 1991 and have stayed sinlge thru all these years, so I speak from experience and totally feel your pain.
Funny thing is, when I was in a relationship (and there have been several), my social life with my friends picked up, then would dwindle when I was without a guy in my life. Even when I was invited to "couples" events alone, I would feel like the fifth wheel, so avoided those scenarios after awhile. I even felt the cold shoulder from the married moms at soccer, school events, etc. One time, one of the "moms" told me that the others kept their distance because they didn't want me around their husbands. WHAT? I was very naive back then, therefore, shocked by that bit of news. (Trust me, I had absolutely no interest in their husbands). I kept busy with my kids sports and activities, and I traveled for work, so there wasn't much to have a social life anyway. When I did feel the need, I would put a party together, invite people out to see some live music or go to the movies, have some wine at my place...you get the picture.
Now, my kids are grown and have moved on and I am experiencing that second wave of being a single women in a married world. Besides my full-time job, I volunteer at an animal shelter (just adopted a dog), I'm training for a half-marathon, I'm taking classes.... I'm busy, so it's okay. I guess my advice to you is to focus on yourself, create your own life, and invite others in as you want. If your family and friends choose to be distant, they are the ones losing out.0
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