Self conscious with a new guy?

UrbanLotus
UrbanLotus Posts: 1,163 Member
in Chit-Chat
This is so embarassing, but what do you do to get over being self conscious about your weight/body when seeing someone new? I have never talked about this with anyone but I'm going to put it all out there - it has been a year since I've had sex with anyone, and in that time I have gained some weight, so though I have always been self conscious about my body, its even worse now due to being bigger and it having been a while.

I was on a break from dating for about 6 months and got back into the dating scene a few months ago - I've hooked up with a few people since and I feel self conscious even about making out, like i don't want them touching my stomach, or my back, what if they are thinking I'm really fat etc. Now I've been seeing this guy and I really like him/think it has potential, and there will definitely be some makign out etc tomorrow night, but I am SO nervous about it :(. How can I alleviate this? I used to be so confident, and I know this insecurity, especially while we are making out, will not be attractive. This is the first guy I have really liked in a while and I'm just afraid he is going to run once he realized what my body is really like (I'm the dreaded apple shape so my stomach is huge).

I don't know what I'm looking for, advice? Comisseration? Reassurance? Help!
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Replies

  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,419 Member
    Everybody has some new-person jitters I think. Like you said, confidence is attractive, so put on your best smile and try to enjoy the time. He knows what you look like already, so he knows your weight. I understand the nervousness, but you're already in this! Enjoy.
  • ValerieMartini2Olives
    ValerieMartini2Olives Posts: 3,024 Member
    Nope. Not anymore. I used to be when I was younger. Lights off. Leave some clothes on. Now I say "F!ck it." You wanna have sex with me? Then you get to see me in all of my naked glory!
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    A very wise friend of mine told me many years ago, when I was newly divorced with a toddler and 23 years old, that when a man is really into you, he isn't going to see all of the imperfections that we see in ourselves.

    I had lots of stretch marks and even though I was thin, I felt like I looked horrible naked. A few months after this friend told me this, I started dating my now husband. He had been after me for months to go out with him and finally I did. She was right, when the time for intimacy came along, he didn't notice or even care about my stretch marks. I've gained a lot of weight since then and am more filled out than I was back then (hey, it was 23 years ago!), but whether my weight was up or down, he never once criticized me. Over the last couple of years I have lost 40 lbs. When I refer to the time that I was overweight as "the time I was fat", he tells me that I was never fat. He just plain didn't see it.
  • jbutterflye
    jbutterflye Posts: 1,914 Member
    Be willing for him to leave if he doesn't accept you as you are, and know that you're OK regardless. His opinion of you is not nearly as important as your opinion of you. And if he leaves, you're better off. And you're still left with your opinion of yourself regardless.

    If it's really OK with you whether he stays or goes, then you have nothing to lose really, and you can relax and just enjoy the moment.

    :smile:
  • justicer68
    justicer68 Posts: 1,223
    Be willing for him to leave if he doesn't accept you as you are, and know that you're OK regardless. His opinion of you is not nearly as important as your opinion of you. And if he leaves, you're better off. And you're still left with your opinion of yourself regardless.

    If it's really OK with you whether he stays or goes, then you have nothing to lose really, and you can relax and just enjoy the moment.

    :smile:

    Amen!!
  • heymirth
    heymirth Posts: 448
    Guys don't care. If your hooking up casually, he NOT thinking about your stomach, hes thinking about sex
  • UrbanLotus
    UrbanLotus Posts: 1,163 Member
    I don't know if he knows, most of my weight is in my stomach and I think I hide it well. Honestly I cannot for the life of me understand a man thinking my body is attractive - Ido think I'm pretty and am told so, I am into fashion, my hair and nails are always done etc, so i can understand them thinking I'm pretty or whatever and carry myself with a lot of confidence when my clothes are on LOL....but when my clothes come off, I cannot believe someone will find my body attractive :(. So honestly, *I* don't think I'm ok, I wouldn't blame a man for running once he saw my stomach!

    I used to be insecure when i was younger too, and got over it for almost a decade. But now at 33, with no one having seen me naked for over a year and having gained at least 20lbs (all in my stomach!!) since then, the insecurity is back in full force. It sucks because I love sex and kissing and all that, but right now I feel so insecure already that I can't imagine being able to let go enough to enjoy it like I used to.

    heymirth - I'm not talking about hooking up casually, I am seeing this guy seriously. As I said I think it has real potential.
  • iryshjones
    iryshjones Posts: 79 Member
    all you can do is ask yourself - is this guy worth taking a chance on? what happens if you back out? - nothing! so suck it up and go for it!! All he is going to see anyway is boobies, box and tongue ... the other stuff doesnt matter so he isnt going to even see it. Focus on the pleasure - if it helps you, light a bunch of candles ... everyone looks good in candlelight - hell, tie him up and blindfold him if you want ... that will work. Use your mouth and he will be so cross eyed he wont see straight for days... work it girl!!!!
  • pugsood
    pugsood Posts: 9 Member
    False.

    Although chances are he's self-conscious about things that you aren't aware of. And the drama continues.

    EDIT: This was in response to the one guy saying that the guy wasn' thinking about her body, only thinking about sex.
  • pugsood
    pugsood Posts: 9 Member
    You're already on date 2-3 + it sounds like, so it should be pretty clear he's attracted to you, and unless you're a shapeshifter, he's got a decent idea of your body type. So you should squash some of that self-doubt as is, since you've already gotten to multiple dates.

    And for any self-doubt you have about your body, just say **** it, your personality trumps it 2-3 fold. After all, he likes you enough to have hung out with you multiple times and it doesn't sound like it's something just on the friendship tip yet.
  • Ed98043
    Ed98043 Posts: 1,333 Member
    I always found that a glass or two of wine did wonders for my inhibitions.
  • Silver_Star
    Silver_Star Posts: 1,351 Member
    Commiserating here!! Im...I cant even go there. LOL!!
    im confident with my clothes on. I pretty much expect a guy to run if he saw me in my birthday suit. LOL
    '
    All i can say is...take it slowly..when you feel totally comfortable with him and KNOW that he wont run....then take the next step.:flowerforyou:
  • _DaniD_
    _DaniD_ Posts: 2,186 Member
    Alcohol!

    Also.. stare at yourself naked in the mirror a lot. Make yourself see the good things.
  • lovelyMYlovely
    lovelyMYlovely Posts: 1,066 Member
    he is with you because he likes "YOU" the way you are now... he doesnt think you need to change because he found you attractive when he met you.. dont feel insecure :) he saw something in you that stood out to him !!! feel confident!!! and just know you will only get better!!
  • n0ob
    n0ob Posts: 2,390 Member
    Alcohol!

    Also.. stare at yourself naked in the mirror a lot. Make yourself see the good things.

    take your good advice and GTFO off this thread...
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,078 Member
    Drink some vodka, relax and enjoy yourself! :drinker:
  • harvo
    harvo Posts: 4,676 Member
    Nope. Not anymore. I used to be when I was younger. Lights off. Leave some clothes on. Now I say "F!ck it." You wanna have sex with me? Then you get to see me in all of my naked glory!
    WELL HOW YOU DOIN' :bigsmile:
  • UrbanLotus
    UrbanLotus Posts: 1,163 Member
    Thanks everyone! Yes its been 5 dates, and he calls often (imagine that, an actual phone call!), finally kissed me on the last date - tomorrow night we're going out to a lounge so there will definitely be some alcohol, I imagine that will help :). Not planning any nakedness yet but I'm already worrying about it - dumb, I know.
  • Stacyplus5
    Stacyplus5 Posts: 493
    Im still self conscious after 14 yrs together. lol
  • MsJulielicious
    MsJulielicious Posts: 708 Member
    Find some really fantastic lingerie in a color you love, that hi-lites the positive curves you have. Knowing you have pretty underwear on may make you feel more sexy/less self conscious. GL, and try to not be so hard on yourself. Clearly this man is into you.
  • Bobtheangrytomato
    Bobtheangrytomato Posts: 251 Member
    I've been anywhere from 137-217, and I find I get hit on the most when I'm borderline overweight (165 ish). And my ex liked me heavy. Besides, you can get a good idea of how someone will look without clothes by how they look with clothes.
  • etoiles_argentees
    etoiles_argentees Posts: 2,827 Member
    Nooooo, it's not dumb. New things always add some stress. New boys. They either love you for you or don't, get rid of him if he doesn't.
  • RingSize8
    RingSize8 Posts: 175 Member
    Unless I missed something, he's not visually impaired. He doesn't have to feel you to know what you look like. He knows what you look like. If he wasn't down with it, he would have been gone looooong ago. By what you're saying, it seems clear that he's into you, so why worry? IMO, there are two ways this can go, and both of them involve you gaining some confidence, even if it's a fake it til you make it type of situation. Scenario one - you go out tonight, or tomorrow night, or whenever this situation is happening, you make yourself look good, and you rock that **** like you have the best body your side of the Mississippi. When the making out goes down, and he gets a hold of the goods, you keep it confident, and, since, as I already stated, it seems like his is into you (including the way you look), your confidence (fake or otherwise), will probably only turn him on and/or make him more into you. Men love confident women. Scenario two starts off the same way, but when you are making out, if for some reason he gives you the Hiesman, you still fain confidence, and keep it moving, because any guy who can't tell by looking at you, several times at that, if he is into the way you look, is brain dead, and you don't want him anyway. Right? See? Problem solved!
  • UrbanLotus
    UrbanLotus Posts: 1,163 Member
    LOL excellent advice RingSize, I will definitely fake the confidence! Yes if he's not into it I don't want him anyway, I'm way too old for that - I'm more just embarassed :(.

    Serious question though, do you ladies not feel like your clothes hide what your body looks like, at least a bit? I mean he obviously knows I'm overweight and has still complimented me, BUT I have no hips and have a stomach - I always wear flared dresses so I think my clothes hide that to some extent. Not saying he is blind but I do my best to dress in a flattering way and fake an hourglass figure - I think it works but maybe not lol.
  • LuciaLongIsland
    LuciaLongIsland Posts: 815 Member
    I have never been this heavy. I cannot bear looking at myself in the mirror. I was with someone for 22 years (he recently passed) and I was so embarrassed to let him see me. Of course he knew what I looked like and loved me, but I felt and still fell like a cow. No disrespect to anyone but how do you just say, "Frig it"? Perhaps it is my severe criticism of me. I am going on 62 and at this stage shouldn't care but I do. It really bothers me. Everyone I know is thin. I dont think I will ever feel comfortable in this body. I am in awe of people who are heavy and date and get married. Hell, I don't even want to weigh myself at the doctor.
  • LuciaLongIsland
    LuciaLongIsland Posts: 815 Member
    A very wise friend of mine told me many years ago, when I was newly divorced with a toddler and 23 years old, that when a man is really into you, he isn't going to see all of the imperfections that we see in ourselves.

    I had lots of stretch marks and even though I was thin, I felt like I looked horrible naked. A few months after this friend told me this, I started dating my now husband. He had been after me for months to go out with him and finally I did. She was right, when the time for intimacy came along, he didn't notice or even care about my stretch marks. I've gained a lot of weight since then and am more filled out than I was back then (hey, it was 23 years ago!), but whether my weight was up or down, he never once criticized me. Over the last couple of years I have lost 40 lbs. When I refer to the time that I was overweight as "the time I was fat", he tells me that I was never fat. He just plain didn't see it.

    Neither did my husband but I saw it and it truly bothered me.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,419 Member
    I have never been this heavy. I cannot bear looking at myself in the mirror. I was with someone for 22 years (he recently passed) and I was so embarrassed to let him see me. Of course he knew what I looked like and loved me, but I felt and still fell like a cow. No disrespect to anyone but how do you just say, "Frig it"? Perhaps it is my severe criticism of me. I am going on 62 and at this stage shouldn't care but I do. It really bothers me. Everyone I know is thin. I dont think I will ever feel comfortable in this body. I am in awe of people who are heavy and date and get married. Hell, I don't even want to weigh myself at the doctor.

    I am truly sorry that you have gotten to this age and have not learned to make peace with yourself and your body. I'm hoping that you really don't have only 25 pounds to lose, and that that small amount of weight led you to two decades of self-hatred.

    Please, please talk to a professional about this. It isn't healthy..I'm just so sad for you.

    Feel better :flowerforyou:
  • _noob_
    _noob_ Posts: 3,306 Member
    so did you score? how was it?
  • 1223345
    1223345 Posts: 1,386 Member
    Let me see.... I met my husband back in 1994. I am still self conscious about the way I look around him. So maybe it just depends on the fella.
  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
    Most men are gracious enough to be kind and appreciative when a woman is willing to sleep with them. (And if he isn't, boot his *kitten*!). It's likely he is a little self-conscience, too. It's okay!

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