My ideal body weight and other people's opinions...

shayemimi · February 2013

So I started my weight loss mind set last May/June with exercise and just watching portions etc and then added MFP in August. In all I've lost 70.5 lbs so far from my highest weight. I feel great! I am 5'3.5 " and did weigh 218.5 and today I logged in at 148. I think I still have a few lbs (maybe even 20 or so) to lose based on my weight, and considering my height. I also know that in my 20's and even once in my 30's I weighed in the 120's. (I'm 46 now)

ANYWAY...my problem lately is that although for the most part people are amazed at my "new" body (I feel like I just got my "real" body back) , I am getting enough comments like "you're not still losing are you?" and "don't get too skinny" and even my Mother in Law who told me a specific weight she thinks I should stop at...145. She doesn't know my weight and thinks I am WAY less than that. (I just said...well I'm not there yet, so don't worry). One co-worker said " well at your age you shouldn't get to small...your skin can't keep up with it) Grrr. I have ALWAYS been told I look younger than I am and now I'm getting told I look even younger with the weight loss. I am definitely getting more positive comments than negative (I am a nail tech in a busy salon/spa and see LOTS of people every day), but the negative/judging ones with "advice" are really starting to bug me.

What are some good answers/responses to people who seem to think they know what a person should or shouldn't weigh. I know that in the end it is my body and my choice, and I am going to do what I want to do, I just need nice ways to tell people that. So far when people ask if I'm done losing I have been saying things like, well it's a lifestyle change and now I'm working on toning...things like that. No one really needs to know I want to lose 20 more lbs, if possible. I agree that I am getting to a good size now. I'm in a 6-8 depending on brand etc. and my 10's are getting loose. But my waist is still 28" and I'd like to get it down to a 24-26" and my hips are 38" and to get down to 36" would be awesome! That's where I used to be years ago. Maybe it's not realistic, but I think it is... I'm in a 34 DD bra for goodness sake, so I'm not "skinny"! lol

Anyway, for others who have encountered these kinds of comments, etc., how do I respond in a way that makes people realize it's my body/my choice?

shayemimi · February 2013

I guess what I'm going through isn't very common. That's good I guess. It just sucks being made to feel guilty for losing weight. I will just keep doing what I've been doing, which is taking care of ME. I just gotta find a way on my own to get the 'advice givers' to understand that. Good luck everyone with your own journeys!

Beethoven1827 · February 2013

I get that sometimes too - the whole 'you're not going to lose any more now' thing. I'll be honest with real friends who I know will support me (and who would be honest if they had any concerns), but to most people I smile, nod, and give the response theynwant to hear. Life's too short to justify myself to everyone who wants to expose an opinion. The line 'it's not really about weight now, more about toning' is also usefully true and non-committal

(As in, if I looked the way I want to and still weighed what I do now, I'd be the happiest bunny. Not gonna happen unless I start heavy lifting, and that's not in my plan right now, but that's more detail than they need to know!)

skinnyinnotime · February 2013

I don't know why you've got to the point of worrying/thinking about this so much you need advice on it.

Just tell them you know what you're doing and if you need advice you'll seek it from a professional.

Just a bunch of busy bodies, ignore them!!

Keep at it, you're doing great!

Spartan_Maker · February 2013

I wouldn't listen to anyone if I were you: 5'4", 125 lbs. is a completely reasonable goal.

The best response, in my view, is "5'4, 125 lbs. is a completely reasonable goal, by any measure; it baffles me that you'd think otherwise."

ETA: Congratulations.

neandermagnon · February 2013

I think it is common, and it also sounds like you know your body well and your goals sound very reasonable. No-one can tell anyone based on height alone what they should weigh, because people have different frame sizes and different amounts of muscle. Body fat percentage is the best measure both for health and for finding what your ideal weight should be, rather than BMI (weight/height) charts. And if you used to be fit and healthy at the measurements you want to get to, then age really doesn't make any difference! your frame size does not change once you become an adult, so no reason why you shouldn't get back to those measurements if that's where you feel you were at your fittest and healthiest.

To be honest regarding other people saying stuff like that, I think on the whole they mean well. If it was me regarding advice about things like what weight to stop losing weight at, I'd just nod and smile and carry on doing my own thing. You don't have to tell them how much you actually weigh or anything like that. Give vague answers like "I'll keep losing weight until I'm in the healthy range" (or some such thing). Or say "I'm not tracking my weight, I'm tracking inches and what I look like in the mirror" - that way they won't bug you about specific numbers of lbs/kgs.

AZKristi · February 2013

We are so used to seeing overweight and obese people that Americans no longer have a firm grasp on what "healthy" actually looks like.

Assuming you have set healthy, realistic goals... Just tell the person that your target weight or body composition goals are well within healthy ranges for someone of your age/gender/height.

Beethoven1827 · February 2013

Exactly!

I used to be skinny until I had my children, and have gradually gained around 30lb over the past 10 years. People who haven't known me forever just don't realise that in my mind I *should* be slim, because that's how I was, growing up. If I explain, which I occasionally do, they seem to understand better why I don't think I'm quite finished yet. But it's my choice both to decide my ideal weight/size, and to discuss this with others. If I don't feel like it at that time, or don't care enough about that person's opinion, I'll answer neutrally and change the subject to something more interesting. No need to be rude, I just don't want to get drawn into it.

lsjd2000 · February 2013

Honestly I would pull the Dr. card with people who wont leave you alone - just say something like the only person I take advice from about my health and weight is my Dr. - for most hard to argue with that one.
And like AzKristi said most people are so used to seeing overweight people that healthy looks underweight to them.

Unknown · February 2013

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jeffreyjording · February 2013

I get the Your not still losing question at least once a week. Usually from people not trying to live a healthy lifestyle. Ignore them . As long as you feel good, that's what matters.

bathsheba_c · February 2013

I think it's pretty common, but remember that it comes from a place of concern and answer kindly. You can feel free to give a non-committal answer like, "Yeah, I have lost a lot of weight." That way, you are acknowledging their concern, but not going into your plans, which are none of their business.

laluna6 · February 2013

I agree, I get that too, even though I have lost like 8-10lbs. But don't worry too much about what other people think. Just nod and smile. You know what's best and defending your choices isn't going to help. You also have to know that people get jealous. A lot! They can't stand your succes and try to get yoy down. Just ignore them and focus on the positive feedback! Congratulations on your AMAZING accomplishment!

MaraDiaz · February 2013

Lie and say your certified, MD, $250 an hour nutritionist set your goal weight for you.

Frankenbarbie01 · February 2013

Deflect and re-direct!! Ignore the question and move on...it's no ones business how much you chose to weigh or how you chose to eat or work out=)
I'm amazed at how weight seems to be open to everyones opinion....I guess like a pregnant belly is so touchable even by strangers! lol

soleilxo · February 2013

Im 5'4 i used to be 140 right now im around 110 and my goal weight is 100 (that is not THAT thin). What I have noticed about people is that they are just afraid of the change. they dont know what to expect, maybe they think that if you lose more weight, you'll change as a person? thats what I find mostly.. and i know this sounds bad..but some people just dont want you to be skinny..they want you to look the same, because they are used to it, theyre comfortable with the way you are dont want it to change. SO, prove them wrong! you want to be happy than go for it adn dont let people stop you or tell you how you should look! you know how you want to look and thats all that matters

i wish you the besttt

sahm23ladies · February 2013

I'm the same height as you and I get that too, mostly from grandmotherly neighbors, my parents & my MIL. I just tell them I eat what I want and exercise how I want and my body will do whatever it will do. That I'm not "trying" to lose weight that this is just a byproduct of a healthier and more active lifestyle.

Otherwise, I'd just say "thanks... you're too kind" and then change the subject! lol

rosy003 · February 2013

I would either tell them what they want to hear or explain that you have fitness goals like speed, strength, etc. ppl are uncomfortable when they are unhealthy and others are losing weight. I really believe it is unconscious sabotage. Ignore them and keep up the good work!

laurynwithawhy · February 2013

I am almost the exact same size as you (5'4", 153 pounds, 29" waist, 39" hips, even a 34 DD too!). People are always looking at me like I have 10 heads when I tell them I want to lose 10 more pounds. Realistically, we carry our weight well and probably look really good. I say stop when YOU are comfortable and happy. This is your journey not theirs. I have stopped trying to kill myself losing the weight and have just dropped off to a healthy sustainable loss. When I get to where I want to be I will stop. There's nothing wrong with wanting to look the best you can!

sussexbythesea · February 2013

I have only had this from my sports massage therapist second time today I blogged about it 2 weeks ago. She ( a tiny very fit woman) thinks my face is getting too thin I am 60 BTW. Like you I now weigh 148 but I am 5 7 with 33 waist and 34 dds. No way would my waist and hips ever get much smaller but another 6-8 lbswould be good. I took my mfp pals advice today and when she said again said .you must not say that to me it is my decision and told her she up set me! She apologised at once and admitted she has been amazed how the 18lbs I have lost has melted away. So I advise you to tell people straight you will know when your body is ready to stop provided you are eating your TDEE :-)

PDXContessa · February 2013

@ soleilxo - 5'4" and 100 pounds is underweight. It puts your BMI at 17.2. Unless your an athlete, body builder, dancer, etc may be getting carried away with your weight loss. Sorry to be blunt, but I'm tired of seeing young girls on here trying to hit some model-thin goal weight.

To the original poster of this thread. Here's a good general rule to follow for women (not for everyone, but a good guideline): give yourself 100 pounds for your first five feet of height and then add about 5 pounds for each inch of height over 5 feet.

So...I'm 5'4" - this would put me at 120 as an "ideal" weight. I find that I look better around 127, so that's my goal weight. Personally, I don't think your age has anything to do with it. I'm 52 - I still plan to lose 17 pounds.

I sent a friend request.

jesz124 · February 2013

Im 5'4 i used to be 140 right now im around 110 and my goal weight is 100 (that is not THAT thin). What I have noticed about people is that they are just afraid of the change. they dont know what to expect, maybe they think that if you lose more weight, you'll change as a person? thats what I find mostly.. and i know this sounds bad..but some people just dont want you to be skinny..they want you to look the same, because they are used to it, theyre comfortable with the way you are dont want it to change. SO, prove them wrong! you want to be happy than go for it adn dont let people stop you or tell you how you should look! you know how you want to look and thats all that matters i wish you the besttt

100lbs and 5ft 4. Hmmmm. Looked at your profile too. Hmmm. Be very careful your not teetering on the edge of obsession there. Being that thin isn't attractive or healthy. There's so much more to life than being skinny, honestly. Life isn't about numbers on the scale. Be healthy, have fun, but don't obsess. X

Emtabo01 · February 2013

I've gotten a few of those types of comments, though I didn't have as much to lose as you. I kind of just say "ok, thanks" and non-commitally agree with whatever they say. It doesn't really matter what they say, the conversation is over quicker I find if I just agree with people instead of argue. If I actually cared about what the person thought, I'd give a real answer about my goals and plans, but for people I don't care about I just kind of agree.

jesz124 · February 2013

@ soleilxo - 5'4" and 100 pounds is underweight. It puts your BMI at 17.2. Unless your an athlete, body builder, dancer, etc may be getting carried away with your weight loss. Sorry to be blunt, but I'm tired of seeing young girls on here trying to hit some model-thin goal weight.

To the original poster of this thread. Here's a good general rule to follow for women (not for everyone, but a good guideline): give yourself 100 pounds for your first five feet of height and then add about 5 pounds for each inch of height over 5 feet.

So...I'm 5'4" - this would put me at 120 as an "ideal" weight. I find that I look better around 127, so that's my goal weight. Personally, I don't think your age has anything to do with it. I'm 52 - I still plan to lose 17 pounds.
I sent a friend request.

Oh Lordy going off that I have to lose another 26lbs to reach 120lbs. I'm have to remove a limb to achieve that I think. My hips are 36 inches and my waist is 27, but I'm supposed to judge by what the scale tells me?

kitkat4141 · February 2013

Congratulations on your success!

I am a little taller than you are at 5' 4". My original goal was 130 pounds and was set by my trainer. Like you, I felt great at 145 and thought it would be impossible to reach 130. Family and acquaintances thought I shouldn't lose more weight (unsolicited and unwelcome opinions/advice I might add). My trainer advised me to ignore this and keep focused on my goal of 130. It was in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height and build. She did not make any allowances for my age (53 at the time). To make a long story short, I made it to 130 and continued to lose. I now weigh 121 pounds and have successfully lowered my body fat percentage to 18%. At 130 pounds I wore size 8 pants but wasn't happy with my overall appearance. I began to seriously lift heavy weights 3 x week along with my other exercises. My pants size is now 2-4. And although my body will never be perfect, I am finally happy and accepting of myself.

Perhaps you can say that you're striving to be in the middle of a healthy weight range for your height, frame, and age. It was helpful to cite standard size charts approved by the medical community. That shuts people up quickly but politely. Other people just aren't used to seeing you so small. The comments go away after a while.

Good luck!

TravelDog14 · February 2013

Anytime I get asked any of the "are you still trying to lose", "careful, you're wasting away", or "why do you want to keep losing, you're skinny now" questions, my response is, "why do you ask?".

Most of the time they can't articulate why they asked the question in the first place, and also it puts them on the defensive for asking questions that are frankly none of their business.

Just keep saying to them, no matter what their question is, "why do you ask?"

It shuts them up pretty quick and most of the time makes them realize they don't know what they're talking about.

Also, keep in mind that probably half the people around us don't have a concept of what a healthy weight looks like. I know I was completely in the dark on how much weight I needed to lose to be healthy. Mix that with a bit of jealousy and nosiness and you have a toxic brew of ignorance.

cappri · February 2013

I've been getting those type of questions for awhile now, the last 10 pounds at least, before I even reached my healthy weight range. Last night I was FaceTiming with my parents and my dad asked me if I was getting anorexic now. An ex-boyfriend texted me asking how much I weigh now, he had just looked at my new profile picture on Facebook, the same one as on here. I told him, and he said I look like I weigh 115. That is just laughable since I weigh 160, at 115 I would look like a skeleton, I'm 5'8" I still want to lose about 10 pounds, but no one really wants to hear it. I've found that it is acceptable for me to say I'm focusing on "toning up" as opposed to that I'm still working on losing weight.

shayemimi · February 2013

Thanks for all the responses! I think I just needed to hear all these things from others who are going through this, even tho I really knew the answers. It's my body.

I just heard it from several people yesterday, and then my MIL was the icing on the cake. She even told me I should hold on to some fat so that if I ever get sick I have something to live on. LOL. I just didn't know what to say to that, without hurting her feelings lol and the comments from some about getting too obsessed, etc. are just so annoying. Glad to hear that it's not just me. Thanks for all the support and awesome ideas!

You guys are great!!!

shayemimi · February 2013

Oh! And I'm going on a cruise in one week, so I plan on taking some pics then in my new 2 piece bathing suits!!

BaileyP3 · February 2013

Deflect and re-direct!! Ignore the question and move on...it's no ones business how much you chose to weigh or how you chose to eat or work out=)
I'm amazed at how weight seems to be open to everyones opinion....I guess like a pregnant belly is so touchable even by strangers! lol

^^^ This. I think you will notice that the people commenting generally have a fair bit of weight to lose. (My DH's side of the family are culprits :-)) I realize that these comments are often made with the best of intentions but when you've worked like crazy to get where you, it's frustrating when people try to discourage your goal.

My mother has a habit of saying 'you've gotten skinny' (with a look of distain) Finally one day, I gently said, 'Mom, I've worked really hard to get to this weight and I've still got a way to go. Please don't try to discourage me' That solved the problem with my mother. (for the rest of the extended family I'm not wasting my breath)

flatblade · February 2013

Congratulations and have fun on your cruise shayemini. I have had a similar path. I'm at about 23 pounds short of my goal, which is still in the overweight classification. I have had people tell me I shouldn't lose more weight, but there is no question in my mind I can and should reduce some more. It is your health and your body. You should be the best judge of what you should weigh.

My ideal body weight and other people's opinions...

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