Question for divorced parents...
Vain_Witch
Posts: 476 Member
in Chit-Chat
Are you supposed to help your child get their other parent presents for Christmas, Birthdays, Valentines, etc?
I always help my daughter (6 years old) buy presents for her dad for all holidays, but then he only sporadically does the same. My boyfriend and family get upset with me that I keep making sure she has gifts for him, when it's not reciprocated, but I feel like it's not for HIM it's for HER...so that she feels like she has something for him on special days where she would feel like she should have a gift for him. I would have done it anyway, but especially because I witnessed her FREAKING OUT on my first birthday after the divorce because she didn't have a present for me (it was so bad I wound up sticking 20 bucks in an envelope and writing a fake letter from MY dad telling her that it was so she could take me out to dinner for my birthday...she was four...she fell for it. lol) It just really reinforced my belief that not helping her get gifts for him would be punishing HER and not him.
But as another birthday just went by with no gift for me, she didn't really seem upset by it this time and everyone keeps telling me that I'm teaching her that he's more important than me and I'm sheltering her from the reality of how inconsiderate he can be.
I still feel like I'm right, but I'm interested in the opinions of people who don't know me and couldn't care less if my kid gets me a present or not. lol
I always help my daughter (6 years old) buy presents for her dad for all holidays, but then he only sporadically does the same. My boyfriend and family get upset with me that I keep making sure she has gifts for him, when it's not reciprocated, but I feel like it's not for HIM it's for HER...so that she feels like she has something for him on special days where she would feel like she should have a gift for him. I would have done it anyway, but especially because I witnessed her FREAKING OUT on my first birthday after the divorce because she didn't have a present for me (it was so bad I wound up sticking 20 bucks in an envelope and writing a fake letter from MY dad telling her that it was so she could take me out to dinner for my birthday...she was four...she fell for it. lol) It just really reinforced my belief that not helping her get gifts for him would be punishing HER and not him.
But as another birthday just went by with no gift for me, she didn't really seem upset by it this time and everyone keeps telling me that I'm teaching her that he's more important than me and I'm sheltering her from the reality of how inconsiderate he can be.
I still feel like I'm right, but I'm interested in the opinions of people who don't know me and couldn't care less if my kid gets me a present or not. lol
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Replies
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I think that is incredibly sweet of you and I don't see any problem with it. Maybe he doesn't appreciate it but that doesn't mean you should stop - in my opinion.
I have a similar situation with my ex, except I don't really buy him a present as such, just give him a card from my daughter. But what I plan on doing when she's older, is encourage her to make him something instead. So rather than buying him a present from her, ask her if she'd like to draw him a picture or paint a mug for him or whatever other cutesy things kids do for their parents.
Good luck with it whatever you choose
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I would spend some time teaching her that "it's the thought that counts". She can draw pictures, make hand-made gifts, write nice cards, etc. It should not be about buying anything. She can make a lovely, heartfelt gift on her own without either parent having to throw down money.0
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if you like each other, then yes.0
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It is for her, not him. If it's making her happy, keep doing it.0
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It is for her, not him. If it's making her happy, keep doing it.
^This, I usually just get the kids some craft stuff and have them make her something. I can't stand my ex. I would openly say that she is one of the few people that I actually hate with bitter, seething, overriding animosity. But that doesn't change the fact that my kids love their mother.0 -
OK - not a divorced parent, but i am a stepmom... and my husband did this for his son (read: we both did it) - mother, stepfather, stepsister, half-sister... birthdays, anniversaries, christmas...
i admit - made me really grumpy, because it was not reciprocated...
this year - my stepson is almost 21 - he had a job - went out and purchased his own gifts for everyone (our family as well) - including, for the first time in a decade, a birthday present from him to me.
his statement: you and dad always made sure that i could do this - it's about time i did it for you.
you are teaching your daughter an important lesson - i would just add the caveat that she is absolutely old enough to know "we do this for daddy because he's your daddy and it's the right thing to do."
well done, punky. it's a tough road, but worth it in the end.0 -
I did until he got remarried. Now it's the new wife's job (that she doesn't do very well). Even if you don't like each other, you should help your kids give the gifts. It makes children feel really good to be able to do nice things for their parents'. I never spent a lot of money but I made sure my daughter was always able to do something nice for him.0
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I did this at first...but no longer.
I'll take my daughter to the store to buy me a card for christmas, birthday and mother's day
If she wants to buy something, I give her $10-$20
If her dad wants the same thing, he can do it himself0 -
you are doing the right thing. i think - especially at age 6 - you should "shelter" her about how inconsiderate he is. She is not old enough to understand or deal with adult issues/concepts.
Trust me, as a child of divorced parents, she will realize who each parent is in due time without assistance.0 -
I would spend some time teaching her that "it's the thought that counts". She can draw pictures, make hand-made gifts, write nice cards, etc. It should not be about buying anything. She can make a lovely, heartfelt gift on her own without either parent having to throw down money.
I DO like this and I do encourage my daughter to make her father a card or whatever but I'm not spending my own money
when I'm on a very tight budget and he does nothing to financially help with our daughter0 -
I would do what you are doing and telling her you are doing it because you don't want her to be uncomfortanle without a gift. As she grows and matures she will understand that you cared and he was the insensitive one0
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When my stepdaughter was younger, I always made sure she had presents for her mom too. I did it for her, not her mom. I also did it to help teach her that it is good to do nice things for people you love.0
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Warning somewhat controversial:
Expecting to buy gifts for each other "from" the kid can be awkward down the road when you guys start dating or even marrying other people. (At least it was for me as a kid). (Personal experience)
I'm a child of mass repeated divorce and I have a child I inhereted in my husbands' divorce (bio mom not in the picture anymore)
So we took a universally applicable approach in our house due to both my experiences, and my husbands experiences, as a child of divorce. With the two of us IN the house we only expect gifts she pays for with her own chore money (she's older now) or when she was younger, something homemade (a card or ornament w/e) This idea could apply to anyone and teaches her the value of the gift giving, both being from the heart and a sacrifice. When she was younger the sacrifice maybe time or the specific art supplies used and when she was older it was limited money. Even this year my birthday gift this year required a small purchase of likley $10 but was more of a project.
As for a child's 'joy' in giving her parent something, the pride and joy of creating something from the heart is far more of a poweful thing. Esp if she learns to paint or some other craft. She would feel that same joy creating something for you and apply that idea not only to you and others' in her life. Of course at that age they may need small reminders of when 'birthday's are...she's old enough to follow a calendar with some prompting if it's large and prominently displayed in the house.
The actual need to have a material gift simply spoiled both me (when I was younger) and my now daugther (who thankfully is no longer spoiled) because if 'mommy' or 'daddy' needs a gift for their birthdays what should I expect for mine? Do we want to teach our children gift giving as a primary love language? IDK maybe some people do but I sure do not.
Do I get my kid birthday gifts of COURSE, but that's not the emphasis of a birthday or any other Holiday (Esp Christmas)
After a few years of doing that we went to visit family for Christmas and my daughter was blown away at how gifts were treated in other homes, and I can't say I wasn't proud of her observations.0 -
I think its a bit ridiculous in the first place for a child without an income to purchase and buy a gift for anyone. That is where homemade gifts come into play. Usually its the adult who has issues with it, not the child.0
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Question: Did her father/your ex at least thank you for helping her get something for him (thank you card or phone call)? If he didn't I'd say you can probably drop him from the gift list, if your daughter doesn't mention wanting to shop for him. If she brings it up, then you might help her pick out something small or help her make him a card or something.
As for a gift for you, nice thinking for the "take mom out to dinner"! You could also play it as bake cookies/a cake for mommy and then bake it with her. Or send her shopping with your mom/her grandma (or an aunt, etc) for something for you (you can give grandma cash for the gift and even guidance on what to get)
(PS--I'm happy newlywed, never divorced, so please take what I said with a grain of salt.)0 -
Since my daughter's dad has stopped seeing her except for twice a yr (he only lives a mile away and can't find the time to see her) I quit buying gifts for her to give him.
We divorced when she was 5 and she's 14 now. Now she doesn't even want to get him anything.0 -
Keep doing what you are doing. You are absolutely right, its for her. Not anyone else but her.0
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It is for her, not him. If it's making her happy, keep doing it.
This. All day long.0 -
Question: Did her father/your ex at least thank you for helping her get something for him (thank you card or phone call)? If he didn't I'd say you can probably drop him from the gift list, if your daughter doesn't mention wanting to shop for him. If she brings it up, then you might help her pick out something small or help her make him a card or something.
As for a gift for you, nice thinking for the "take mom out to dinner"! You could also play it as bake cookies/a cake for mommy and then bake it with her. Or send her shopping with your mom/her grandma (or an aunt, etc) for something for you (you can give grandma cash for the gift and even guidance on what to get)
(PS--I'm happy newlywed, never divorced, so please take what I said with a grain of salt.)
Of course he didn't! lol! But he did thank her, and that made HER feel good. :-)0 -
Are you supposed to help your child get their other parent presents for Christmas, Birthdays, Valentines, etc?
I always help my daughter (6 years old) buy presents for her dad for all holidays, but then he only sporadically does the same. My boyfriend and family get upset with me that I keep making sure she has gifts for him, when it's not reciprocated, but I feel like it's not for HIM it's for HER...so that she feels like she has something for him on special days where she would feel like she should have a gift for him. I would have done it anyway, but especially because I witnessed her FREAKING OUT on my first birthday after the divorce because she didn't have a present for me (it was so bad I wound up sticking 20 bucks in an envelope and writing a fake letter from MY dad telling her that it was so she could take me out to dinner for my birthday...she was four...she fell for it. lol) It just really reinforced my belief that not helping her get gifts for him would be punishing HER and not him.
But as another birthday just went by with no gift for me, she didn't really seem upset by it this time and everyone keeps telling me that I'm teaching her that he's more important than me and I'm sheltering her from the reality of how inconsiderate he can be.
I still feel like I'm right, but I'm interested in the opinions of people who don't know me and couldn't care less if my kid gets me a present or not. lol
Do whats best for your babies, besides it's not going to be reciprocated because you are the better person in the situation. I'm dealing with the samething except I wait on mine to forget they wanted to by their dad something and then I conveniently forget to bring it back up DJM lolz
On 2nd thought do some soul searching on why you're really helping up. I mean really search within and then you'll have your answer. Truth be told I can care less if my kids buy their dad anything at all but if they really wanted to I would if I could within the limits that I'll set.0 -
My sons are grown now so they buy gifts for their dad and me on their own, but when they were younger I would help them. Their dad did the same thing.0
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I absolutely make sure that my boys have a gift for their father for birthdays, Fathers Day and Christmas. I even go as far as buying his nasty girlfriend a gift from thee boys for Christmas. He never does the same but I don't care. I know that I'm the better person. My boys have told me that they don't want to get him gifts because he doesn't take them to get me a gift but I told them that you don't give to receive and that we will continue to buy him and his girlfriend gifts. By doing that I feel like I am teaching them the right way.0
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I have them do arts and crafts stuff for him. It's not a big deal to me, and the kids love it.0
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Thanks guys! It makes me feel better to know that I'm not crazy!0
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My answer is a blend of two already on here.
It's for her/making gifts is more appropriate for a child with no income.
Eventually she will learn to prepare for yours on her own, since your own family don't seem to be helping. Even after you explained this to them. And used a fictional example of how they could help.0 -
what? She's six years old. Your daughter sounds like a total sweetheart who just wants everyone to be happy. Shes just a child, and if he isnt willing to do the same, it makes you look good and him look bad.0
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My answer is a blend of two already on here.
It's for her/making gifts is more appropriate for a child with no income.
Eventually she will learn to prepare for yours on her own, since your own family don't seem to be helping. Even after you explained this to them. And used a fictional example of how they could help.
My family lives 900 miles away...and aren't really the kind of people who would consider it their problem...I didn't give them an example of how they could help. I just used my dad for the letter thing because I didn't want to give HER dad the credit, which really would be shielding her from reality...0 -
My answer is a blend of two already on here.
It's for her/making gifts is more appropriate for a child with no income.
Eventually she will learn to prepare for yours on her own, since your own family don't seem to be helping. Even after you explained this to them. And used a fictional example of how they could help.
My family lives 900 miles away...and aren't really the kind of people who would consider it their problem...I didn't give them an example of how they could help. I just used my dad for the letter thing because I didn't want to give HER dad the credit, which really would be shielding her from reality...
That's a good excuse, in my head they lived down the street.
I'm sure she's given you gifts on many occasions, she just needs to get the hang of calendars and planning. Same as me.
When it comes to divorced parents, my advice is that you should always be an example, try to do what's right, and always be above petty bickering or 1up.
Kids are smart, they'll figure it out, and only resent those that bad mouthed one of their parents.
IMO I think you're doing it right.0 -
Keep doing what you're doing! My parents are divorced. My mom always helped me get a gift for my dad, but my dad never did the same. When I was young I knew that's just the way it was. When I was around 8 or so my mom started giving me the option of helping me get a gift for dad and I always wanted her to because it made me happy (she understood that, my dad not so much).
You're doing the right thing. Don't worry about your ex not reciprocating.0 -
I'm not a divorced parent, but a stepmom. I think you are doing the right thing. Infact, I think that too many parents take their personal issues with eachother out on the child and this includes not allowing or helping kids out with getting gifts for each parent. It's important! Who cares if they don't say thank you, you know you did the right thing. We do the same thing at our house for my stepdaughters' mom and her half brother from her moms and luckily we have the kind of relationship where we get gifts on holidays from the moms house too! However, this is coming from someone who orders cakes(she is a cake decorator)from the bio-mom and she has me do her hair (my job) haha. Hey, don't judge! My life and marriage is peaceful and my step-daughter is happy 0
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