Boyfriend who just doesn't get it....

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  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
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    It really bothered me when I would work hard all day only to go over to my bf's house and have him offer me chips or eat chips in front of me, which then led to cravings for me. It bothered me because a S.O. should be supportive of the things we are trying to accomplish in life. They should respect us and want us to succeed.

    This is problematic because it requires someone else to make a lifestyle change. Someone offering food to someone else isn't being unsupportive - it's being polite.

    It is unreasonable to expect him to change his eating habits in its entirety just because you are. You cannot pin your eating habits on him, or else you are giving away all of your power. You need to take that power and own it - you can do this!
  • AuddAlise
    AuddAlise Posts: 723 Member
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    Has anyone else struggled with getting support from their significant other while trying to lose weight? I swear he just doesn't understand because he has always been in shape, but it makes it more difficult for me to stay focused!!!! It's hard to come home and continue to eat healthy when he doesn't want to eat the same foods. What works? Any suggestions?

    Well if he doesn;t get it, he doesn;t GET IT. You get me?

    Should sort that problem failry quickly

    Yeah, because lack of sex would make the whole situation better....
  • olDave
    olDave Posts: 557 Member
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    I have never understood why some people NEED to feel supported by their SO when it comes to dieting. It seems to me that if someone wanted to eat a certain way, they could just do it and let others eat however THEY wanted. It certainly doesn't mean they don't support the dieter. It just means they have DIFFERENT eating habits.

    My advice...respect him enough to allow him to eat however he wants. Then, eat how you want and don't give it another thought.

    Good luck!

    It really bothered me when I would work hard all day only to go over to my bf's house and have him offer me chips or eat chips in front of me, which then led to cravings for me. It bothered me because a S.O. should be supportive of the things we are trying to accomplish in life. They should respect us and want us to succeed.

    Seriously? You went to HIS house and expected HIM to change his eating habits JUST because YOU decided to eat differently??? Wow...that's AMAZING! Your behavior shows a complete lack of respect for your boyfriend.
  • DaveHuby
    DaveHuby Posts: 175 Member
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    Why does he have to eat the same foods if he's in shape?
    My SO was with me from the start but has now reached target so now needs to maintain. We have a 900 calorie difference.

    We eat together in the evenings, same food, same portions. But during the day he chooses for himself, sensibly, counting but indulging slightly.

    We do keep treats in the freezer, cakes, pastries etc. I just choose not to eat them.
  • Athena53
    Athena53 Posts: 717 Member
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    If its just the fact that he doesn't eat the same foods then you have to simply get over it, if he's actively undermining it then tell him to get bent.

    Agreed. My DH actually needs to gain weight, so he eats some junkier stuff I won't touch. (He's 74 so I figure he can be more relaxed about junk food than I am at age 60.) My dinner tonight will be canned chicken noodle soup with masses of vegetables sauteed in a little olive oil and he'll have something heartier but we'll eat together and neither of us will make antagonistic comments about what the other is eating. There are also times when we eat the same heart-healthy foood he's prepared but I eat more because I've done a 20-mile bike ride. Again, no biggie.

    Disparities in what you eat are a battleground only if you (or the other partner) make it that way.

    Posts on this subject bring back a 35-year old memory of a guy I dated when I was trying to watch calories. We went someplace for coffee and he ordered 2 eclairs, knowing they were one of my favorite splurges but that I was trying to avoid the calories. I can still remember him, eating both, making it clear how much he was enjoying every bite. Oh, yeah- he had a beer gut he could have afforded to lose. I lost a lot of respect for him over that incident.
  • LoloR17
    LoloR17 Posts: 5
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    You can't make decisions for other people. Make a vow to yourself that you will do the best you can. If you slip, forgive yourself and move on. I've been up and down the last several years due to poor choices and expecting others to do as I wish. Only recently have I committed to do the best I can for myself, including a healthy diet & regular exercise. If husband chooses to join in, great. If not, that's his choice. I'm feeling better about myself and find I have more willpower than I did before. Every little positive change will make a difference. You can do it!
  • T1mH
    T1mH Posts: 568 Member
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    It really bothered me when I would work hard all day only to go over to my bf's house and have him offer me chips or eat chips in front of me, which then led to cravings for me. It bothered me because a S.O. should be supportive of the things we are trying to accomplish in life. They should respect us and want us to succeed.
    Why is it if they guy doesn't change to match what the girl wants he is the one that is wrong?
  • TR0berts
    TR0berts Posts: 7,739 Member
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    Why is it if they guy doesn't change to match what the girl wants he is the one that is wrong?


    I see that you are new to the whole male/female dynamic. We are always wrong. Even when we're right.

    :happy:
  • danika2point0
    danika2point0 Posts: 197 Member
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    In all likelihood, he is not Not supporting you if you know what I mean...He's just doing his thing and you're interpreting it in this way because you could feel on high alert to sabotage, temptation, etc. My boyfriend eats whatever he wants whenever he wants. I try not to let what he does affect me at all...I make my own decisions and prepare for my own meals and snacks. It doesn't mean fighting or being argumentative or anything... For instance, if we're eating pasta, I'll eat a small bit of pasta and load up on tomatoes with vegetables. If we're going out to eat, I let him have a starter, eat the bread, go for dessert, I'll focus on my main and have a bite of his dessert! If we're watching a film, I'll bring an apple and rice cakes to snack on while he eats a bag of crisps. It's hard I know sometimes to have it right in front of you but temptation is everywhere...you have to focus on your own goals. I suggest always being prepared with something to replace the foods you want to avoid. Also, sometimes I'll eat a couple of his chips and avoid the rest. It'll help you make better habits...Also, you'll start to lose your taste for some of the really 'tempting' foods. I had a bite of my boyfriend's cookie the other day and it tasted awful! Okay, pizza still tastes AWESOME but you get my drift... :-)
  • MaryB2
    MaryB2 Posts: 331 Member
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    Why does he have to eat the same foods if he's in shape?

    To add to this post. let me clue you in on something.

    Why can't you eat the same foods as him and be as in shape as him? (cough cough)

    Chances are he isn't in shape. My bf is very slim and can eat what he wants. He doesn't work out, yet had muscles (from hunting I think?). Appearance doesn't reflect health. If you are slim but putting "heart attack foods" in your body or not enough nutrition then that does not necessarily mean "in shape" or healthy or whatever else.

    I'm not talking about slim, but in shape and healthy. My husband eats what he wants, not necessarily "heart attack foods" all the time but whatever he wants. He has a very physical job and is in great shape. His blood pressure, heart rate, sugar and everything else is good.

    Even if her boyfriend isn't healthy it's not up to her to decide when he changes his eating habits. We all know there is no point changing until doing it for ourselves, not someone else.
  • Arianna86
    Arianna86 Posts: 10
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    He doesnt' have to eat what you eat.

    I eat nothing but mostly veggies and yogurt dip until I get home, so that I can make my fiance the dinners he likes.
    You really can work around this without forcing him into this..

    And if you REALLY can't deal with the difference, move on.
    But he isn't hostage of your lifestyle change.

    You are right he doesn't have to eat the same foods. I guess what makes it challenging for me is he does most of the cooking. So when I come home to fried foods or the "not so healthy" selections it's just hard to stay on track. I'm not worried about what he eats but the conflict it sometimes causes, but very true if I can't deal with the difference maybe it is time to move on.
  • gracielynn1011
    gracielynn1011 Posts: 726 Member
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    My husband asked me a few nights ago, after a grocery trip, if I had bought him any snack foods. I told him no, that I only bought what he had already looked through. He was fussing and asked me why I "treated" myself to all the fruits and veggies and all that.

    My reply, "By treating myself to these, I am also treating you, because when I am finished you will have a hot wife."

    He said, "Right now I'll take a big fat woman if it means I can have a piece of chocolate."


    So yeah, he just doesn't get it either. I work around him. At least he does leave me alone in the house long enough to do my work out routines without laughing at his goofy self.
  • Arianna86
    Arianna86 Posts: 10
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    He is very active in his daily job and was a previous athlete so hence why I say he is in shape. His bloodwork also confirms everything is good as far as "health" goes. I guess the real challenge is it is hard for me to stay on track with making healthy choices consistently when he likes to cook fried foods and two sides of carbs lol It all comes down to me and the choices I make which I am completely aware of, just feel like it would be alot easier if I came home to someone who understood I guess I just wanted to vent. Thank you for your insight though.
  • Arianna86
    Arianna86 Posts: 10
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    My advice...respect him enough to allow him to eat however he wants. Then, eat how you want and don't give it another thought.

    Good luck!

    I agree . My SO wanted nothing to do with my lifestyle change - and he is our family cook...So, I had to learn to portion stuff out, sometimes eat something different than what he prepared, and ignore the sometimes snarky comments about how I only ever tak about calories anymore.

    I didn't let it get me down or distract me. I guess it even motivated me more. Now, 2 years later, SO has rid himself of full sugar sodas and calls out ingredients to me when he is cooking so I can add a recipe to my diary. He is also watching serving size (which NEVER happened before - he would always serve food like I was sumo wrestler. lol)

    I guess what I am saying is, hang in there and do this for you. If he is meant to support you, he will in time. If not, don't hold a grudge because as you said, he doesn't need to lose weight.

    That is awesome and actually gives me some hope. :)
  • darlilama
    darlilama Posts: 794 Member
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    My hubby is a sabatour. As soon as I start counting he comes home with chips, chocolate and other treats for me. I have come to realise he does this purposely because he doesn't want to lose weight (but needs to).

    We must be married to the same man. :wink: The first two weeks I started seriously changing the way I ate, he was actually sort of angry about it. I said "Hey, eat what I make or make your own meals. Makes no difference to me." He got over it and has since lost several pounds himself since he's too lazy to cook a separate meal for himself. :laugh:
  • Arianna86
    Arianna86 Posts: 10
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    I know this can be hard...there are 4 adults in my household all eating different things. My hubby is of normal weight and he can practically eat anything he wants ...I know you just want to hate him LOL....anyway what I normally do is I will ask them what do they want for dinner and I tell them what I am cooking if they want it I cook enough for everyone...if they don't then I cook my portion and the rest of them are on their own...I give the choice since I am the one that ususally cooks dinner and if they don't want what I am having then that gives them plenty of time to cook something for themselves or order out. That way I am still eating healthy I put everything into one to two servings in a bag and have it seperated. If they all eat I take out 2 bags if they dont I take out 1. This has worked in my household because I am not forcing them to eat what I eat I give them the choice....and sometimes I am cooking two meals but at least i'm still getting what I need. Sometimes you have to put yourself first......I'm sure your hubby doesnt mean anything harmful by it but your best supporter is yourself and what you put into your own body. Best of luck :flowerforyou:

    This is a great idea!!!! Thank you! :)
  • danika2point0
    danika2point0 Posts: 197 Member
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    I think it's always really sweet when the SO sees a person as so desirable/beautiful/sexy/hot that they can't necessarily understand the desire to change. Maybe you need to really sit down and have a chat with him...'Yes, I am doing this so I look like X, Y, Z...I am also doing this to lower my body fat percentage into the healthy range so I don't have high cholesterol, etc. etc. etc.' Make it real for him why you are doing it and what you hope to achieve. Explain that he doesn't need to change but that he also needs to understand that if the meals he prepares stay the same, you'll have to eat something else. If he loves you, I really believe he will support you in this. Sometimes it's just so hard to understand something that we don't necessarily relate to on the face of it, you know?
  • mmichellea
    mmichellea Posts: 20 Member
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    my partner eats what i eat because i cook all the food from scratch so he enjoys my healthy currys and spag bol and things x
  • Aleta7
    Aleta7 Posts: 92
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    My hubby does the same thing..He brings home candy and cookies and chips..and then says "you don't have to eat it"
    Or " I thought you might want these later. Very frustrating.
  • wease1204
    wease1204 Posts: 31 Member
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    If he's in shape already, perhaps encourage him to do some research on body building. My SO loves that stuff and has been eating clean for a while now. I am also aware that as a 6'5" man and 113kg his dietary needs are much much more than mine. For a man that size you're looking at eating over 2500 calories a day at least! So don't be upset when you come home and see him eating something that isn't your style as chances are, he's probably starving! lol But seriously, doing some research together on body building recipes and clean eating can help you both for the better. Perhaps if he sees how big and muscly he can get eating these wonderful foods he will jump on board!

    Last night, I cooked crispy chicken with spicy rice. It wasnt the best meal in the world, but knowing how good it was for us and knowing that it came from a body building recipe book - there were absolutely no complaints! I still enjoyed the meal and would make it again - we just need to remember we eat to live not live to eat!

    Try looking at some facebook sites such as Clean Eating Recipes and Bodybuilding Recipes

    Hope this helps - xxx

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