Disconnected with my Body

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IronKitty
IronKitty Posts: 121 Member
in Motivation and Support
I was wondering if others feel this way and how you might be working on it or if you've felt this way in the past what helped you change your perspective.

I feel so disconnected with what I see in the mirror. I honestly can't connect with how I am internally vs who I am externally. Its really like two completely different people. I feel good internally; strong and capable, but when I look in the mirror I don't know who that lumpy mass of a woman is. I take pole dancing classes 2-3 days a week and I LOVE it, during freedance I feel sexy as hell, but I cannot look at myself in mirror (even during warmup) or I'll ruin that good feeling. Technically I am obese, I'm at the beginning of my weight loss journey, but I also feel how strong I am and being 5'11" I'm pretty proportionate, so I don't know if I am being harsh on what I see in the mirror or if I just need to being honest with myself that I do look that bad now.

In general I don't think I've ever been able to see what I actually look like on the outside. I was never overweight till the end of highschool/beginning of college (was on the large side of healthy though), but I sincerely believed I was a whale since I was five (when a "doctor" told me I was fat in front of my 2 brothers, leading to years of being teased. PS turns out I've always been tall for my age and my weight matched that). So I'm not sure if this is something that can only be worked on by a therapist or something that will improve as I get healthier and lose weight. If you've felt this way before or still do, what has helped you?

I run and design for my own accessories business and its small at the moment so I model all the pieces. I have to look at HUNDREDS of pictures of myself and the only way I can is to completely divorce myself from who is in the images. It can be a very painful process.

I can't afford a therapist right now, but would love to work on this, any help would be appreciated!

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Replies

  • lillenisse
    lillenisse Posts: 22 Member
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    I can completely relate to what you’re feeling. Inside I feel like a strong, independent and free spirit but I can’t remember the last time I looked at myself and saw what I feel, I know I have at some point in my life, just not for a very long time. The good news is that this is recently starting to change. Since I’ve started training more I’ve noticed that I’ve become a lot more connected with my body and dare I say it, I’m starting to love my body again; not for the way it looks but for how frickin’ awesome it is and what I’ve realised it can do.

    Since Jan, I strength train 4 times a week and spin twice a week and after 6 weeks of this routine, I have discovered a new found respect for my body and what it can do. Every week, I’m impressed by how my body can better it’s performance of last week. Whether it’s more reps, heavier weights, more resistance on the spin bike – each little thing makes me so proud!

    The real hit actually came yesterday when I was in my spin class and I decided to up my effort (as in my previous class I felt like I was slacking a little) so I increased my resistance on the bike, so that by the end of the class I was just a tiny bit away from full resistance. The last 5 mins of the class were torture but inside I was screaming at myself that I would NOT turn the resistance down, kept my focus and kept pushing. When the class was finished, first I felt sick, but then I felt incredible. I got home, looked in the mirror and just thought to myself – yes, well done awesome body of mine – you did a great job. My perception of my body is changing and I’m starting to see a strong body that I can shape, mould and transform into something wonderful. It goes to show that so much of how we see ourselves isn’t about our eyes, it’s about our minds.

    My advice would be to change your perspective and focus on all the amazing things your body can do and how it improves every week.

    Sorry this post sort of turned into a personal brag but I hope it helped :flowerforyou:
  • AliTomy
    AliTomy Posts: 15 Member
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    I feel that way sometimes too. The worst part is pictures and mirrors you're not expecting...like the ones at the mall mixed in with the clothes. I used to be thin, so i guess sometimes I forget I've gotten so big...I'll walk by a mirror and be like "who is that fat chick...she looks familiar?" and then i stop and look and it's me!! Eek! Pictures can get me too...I'll feel like I'm looking good, take a pic with friends...then I'm like "ohmygoodness I have so many chins!".

    The best thing that helps with that is to admit that I'm heavy right now and I don't like it. I am, however, working very hard to change how I look. I try and focus on the little improvements as they come. Right now my face has started to look a bit thinner, and although I don't look any different without clothes my clothes are a bit roomier. Try and focus on the positive changes! You are doing a great thing working to be healthier and more fit!

    We can do it!
  • deladypilot
    deladypilot Posts: 618 Member
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    You are not alone. I think for many of us we have a poor self body image and it takes work to get that out of your head. Even after you lose the weight and get fit, it will take your brain a while to see what is really in the mirror. For some reason we still see the old us and not the new us.

    For me, even though I do not like what I see in the mirror just yet. I know there is a good person, a smart women, a strong women inside. I keep telling myself that often several times a day. She will show up in that mirror at some point.

    I have found that one of the best things I can do for myself is dress from head to toe even on weekends with my makeup on and walk with my head held high. Be proud of the person I am inside while I work on the other.

    Do not give up on yourself. You are worth the effort and one day the reflection in the mirror will be the person you always knew you were
  • traceyjj
    traceyjj Posts: 406 Member
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    Oh very much yes.
    Hubby and I went to a small gig just before Christmas, we decided to stay overnight in a hotel so we could both have a drink. The hotel bathroom had a huge mirror positioned so cruelly so when you got into and out of the shower I saw the me I had been hiding from for so long... I broke down in tears, I thought of all the hard work I had been doing for the past 2 years and was still confronted with this mass of wobbly, lumpy fat and skin.
    Even sometimes at the gym I catch sight of myself in the windows reflection... and I hate it.

    My strength is improving, and my fitness is improving, I just wish I could see my body improving :(
  • bathsheba_c
    bathsheba_c Posts: 1,873 Member
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    I see you're in the US, in which case, I strongly recommend going to the NAMI website to find a low-cost therapist in your area. Honestly, self-esteem issues are pretty common, and it couldn't hurt to see a therapist, even if it's just one or two sessions to develop some tools to help you deal with it. You should be able to find someone who either works on a sliding scale or is doing the clinical hours necessary to get fully licensed. Another idea is to try and find a support group in your area.
  • IronKitty
    IronKitty Posts: 121 Member
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    My advice would be to change your perspective and focus on all the amazing things your body can do and how it improves every week.

    I think you're right, I need to focus on all the positive things my body can do and not what I actually see in the mirror. At some point I'll see what I want but until then I'll try to focus on all the amazing things my body can do.

    :heart:
  • IronKitty
    IronKitty Posts: 121 Member
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    I feel that way sometimes too. The worst part is pictures and mirrors you're not expecting...like the ones at the mall mixed in with the clothes. I used to be thin, so i guess sometimes I forget I've gotten so big...I'll walk by a mirror and be like "who is that fat chick...she looks familiar?" and then i stop and look and it's me!! Eek! Pictures can get me too...I'll feel like I'm looking good, take a pic with friends...then I'm like "ohmygoodness I have so many chins!".

    The best thing that helps with that is to admit that I'm heavy right now and I don't like it. I am, however, working very hard to change how I look. I try and focus on the little improvements as they come. Right now my face has started to look a bit thinner, and although I don't look any different without clothes my clothes are a bit roomier. Try and focus on the positive changes! You are doing a great thing working to be healthier and more fit!

    We can do it!


    It funny how long it take for me to figure out which one I am when looking in the mirror a my dance studio (when our faces aren't clearly visible). I typically have to go off my outfit, most of the time I'm pretty horrified, but occasionally I'm expecting way worse and I'm pleasantly surprised.

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