I'm fit; he's not. Any advice?
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I have this same issue. What works for me: I've learned to let him make his own choices on food when he is at work, often asking what he ate for lunch and making suggestions on healthier options. Sometimes he listens. However, at home I cook healthy meals/snacks and often invite him to exercise with me. It is frustrating that he doesn't listen, participate or seem to care about his weight most of the time. I've had to learn to get over it. I love him regardless of what he weighs. But the benefit of me cooking for him is that he does lose weight even without knowing it or feeling deprived.0
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Maybe politely ask him to go on a walk or hike with you? Then make the two of you a healthy meal?0
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It's so funny that someone wrote "buy smaller plates". I am one of those women that was born to and grew up with a beautiful mother. I mean model and movie star beautiful.
At home, she ate from a dessert plate - for years ! She never made a big deal out of it but told me once that it was easy for her to control her portions that way.
Suggest walking in the evenings - just to get started - don't use the words exercise, just approach it from a "let's be together" attitude. Making healthy meals is a good idea.
I agree with others, he knows he's fat, he doesn't need anyone else to tell him that. People have to be mentally ready to diet and exercise.0 -
Nothing you can do.
Just keep doing what you're doing, lead by example, and he will eventually decide to do it himself. If he doesn't then he doesn't and no amount of trying to convince him will help.
If you're still unsatisfied, find someone else.
I learned the hard way that it is not possible to make someone else do something THEY dont want to do.0 -
talk to his best friend and see if he could try to motivate him. that was what did it for me to start taking getting back in shape seriously.
he pulled me aside. said i looked horrible. said he would do anything to help me get in shape. said we could join gym together or i could go to his house to workout etc.. etc...
i didnt have to take him up on the help but just confronting me on it was all i needed.
true friends tell other friends when they are messing up. just like if your friend had an alcohol problem. you wouldn't let it go hoping they'd eventually correct it themselves.0 -
cut him off. that'll learn him.
:drinker:0 -
To honestly answer your question...
Start doing more outdoor activities. Go for a family bikeride every weekend, go hiking, play frisbee in the back yard. Do stuff that is fun, so that it doesn't feel like exercise.
Also, it has been said repeatedly, cook healtheir meals, leave healthier snacks around the house. Have everyone give up soda for lent
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Pretend like you think he lost a few pounds and reward/complement him.
^^^LOVE THIS^^^ - If he makes me a smoothie I tell him how much I appreciate it, how wonderful it is and how lucky I am. 3 out of the 5 days I get my protein smoothie made for me in the morning because he loves how I make him feel for doing it!
I tell him all the time when he does little things for me that make my life easier or just make me feel good just how LUCKY I am to be loved and in love with him. I do feel that way honestly too but it helps because he feels needed and wanted in my life. I have learned men love to feel needed and wanted.
My sweetheart is 6'4 350lbs and my big teddy bear and I ADORE my hugs and love from him and feel so whittle when he hugs me I love that too. I have never ONCE said anything about his weight, HE HAS...so with that entry I showed him how to make my protein smoothies in the morning and he usually has one himself (He never used to eat breakfast). He LOVES SWEETS/BAKED GOODS so I decided to go on a weekend bender of making homemade protein bars and some of them have almond bark or dark chocolate on them and he's my taste tester and they are there for the both of us for grab and go's.
I also *ASK* "Hey I found this new bread, or protein powder or special paste" would you be willing to try it out with me?
There was one time he looked especially nice and I did compliment him and say that it looked like he's lost weight (Which I thought at the time he did) and he puffed out his chest and said someone else had complimented him too that day....IT WORKS!!
I want my love to live a long and happy life with me but I know I would have neither if I said "Babe, it's time to do something" or "Hun, you have to do this for you/me/us" Because as soon as someone brings up the elephant in the room resentment may set in and then neither of you will be happy. If he never loses a pound I'm still going to love every current pound of him because that is the way I met him and fell in love with him and it never mattered to me. I was once 300lbs and at the time I wished someone special would have just loved me for the beautiful person I am. I'm living my wish
Live your life the way you want to live it with out co-dependency on his lifestyle/choices. He will see the benefits and the rewards as soon as he makes his mind up to do so. Until then just love him the best you know how as well as yourself and keep up the great work!0 -
A lot of great advice on here. You can plant the seed, tell him how you feel...that you love him and want him around a long time. But, to be honest...nothing is going to happen until he's ready for it to happen. No amount of persuading is going to make it happen any faster. He has to want it for himself...pushing him too hard might backfire on you.0
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When I met my husband he was heavy, but had just lost 20 pounds and then lost 15 more on top of that. We dated, moved in together and got married. Over the next 2 years I gained 17 pounds, he gained back 30+. I realized this was a problem. I could tell he didn't like my weight gain, though he never once said a word about it... only to agree when I said I needed to get on the ball and lose the weight. I lost 21 pounds.... he lost a few, but gained them back. I use small plates, I don't buy junkie food, I am all about portion control. He eats what I provide, then I'll find candy wrappers in the car or catch him eating a pint of ice cream. I ADORE him... His weight doesn't bother me aesthetically in the least. What bothers me is that he's tired all the time, his knees are killing him, and his stamina and "Joie de Vivre" have gone out the window. When he complains about his knees I try to gently tell him that the biggest part of that is that he's asking those 58 year old knees to carry too much and that if he lost even 20 pounds (he really needs to lose at least 40) they would dramatically improve. He gets it, but putting what he knows into practice isn't always easy. In the end I know he needs to want this himself and want it enough to commit to it. I know that for myself I just woke up one day and said OK.... ENOUGH.... and that got me back to my ideal weight and fitness level. He needs to have that AHA moment himself and I know that nothing I can say will make that happen.
And if anyone does know of some magical solution to this.... please let me know!0 -
imo telling someone straight and making it clear that you're telling them for their own benefit is the way forward, honesty is always the best policy, how you go about this is key, and depends on the person, but if i have someone i care about who is bordering obese i will tell them, someone who makes you feel guilty for telling them isn't being honest with themselves, and their hurt depicts their true feelings of their weight getting them from denial to admission and eventually resolution is tough but whoever it is will see sense
don't come across as knit picking or soft to the matter until they can admit they have a problem then show them you're there for them 200% of the way in any way, shape or form
but most big weight loss journeys begin with a breakdown/meltdown of some kind and imo it's needed to begin that inner strength building required to lose alot of weight0 -
This is like deja vu for me. I had the same problem with my husband. We're both overweight but he didn't seem to care. I love him just the way he is but I worry about his health. We got into a conversation about it one night and I was completely honest with him. I told him that how he looked didn't matter to me but his health did. I also told him that if he didn't get himself healthier that out son would grow up without a father and I'd lose the love of my life. I don't think he'd ever really thought about it like that before.
I think what's more important is that you make it about his health and not his looks. And you might have to accept that he's perfectly content to stay just the way his is in which case, nothing you can do will change him. In any case, good luck and I hope you are able to help him see how important his health is to you!0 -
Tell him that until he can see his junk without bending over, or the aid of a mirror, he's not allowed to see yours either.
^^^ This. Best reply and solution I have ever read on these forums. LOL
Second that. I'm still laughing
I heard someone the other day saying he had "****y-do disease", I stupidly asked what that was. He said its when his belly sticks out farther than his ****y-do! :laugh:0 -
Depends on genetics and body composition, I'm 5'10" 260lbs (similar) and I don't need to bend over, etc.
Now is that with or without a stiffy? Obviously with just doesn't count. If that were a good metric, Peter North would be 'in shape' even if he weighed 400 lbs.0 -
Have you tried to plate dinner in the kitchen and not have extra food on the table? That way it takes a bit more effort and thought to have a second serving.0
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Talk about health and being there for your kids, has he had any health issues yet, even small ones like slight hypertension or higher blood sugar numbers, use those to your advantage. I'm not a proponent of manipulation but sometimes men are stupid, actually most times, and manipulating us into starting can get the ball rolling for us.
This is pretty much what got my *kitten* in gear. A couple of years ago I had some bad blood work...but it wasn't really bad enough to get me motivated...it was enough for my wife to start bringing up some of my "bad habits" though. Fast forward to this past October...REALLY bad blood work...enough to scare the living **** out of me. Wife pretty much said, "time to do something about it huh?"..."if not for you, do it for your two boys...you do want to see them grow up I assume."
That pretty much did it for me...now I am surpassing my wife in health and fitness...being the competitive woman she is, she bought New Rules of Lifting for Women and now we're hitting the gym together and lifting heavy as well as watching our diets and getting some good heart healthy cardio in as well. My blood numbers have improved dramatically...my doc calls me one of his best patients ever....and that's the best part for me. Looking better and being more physically fit is just a really nice bi-product. I've lost about 25 Lbs since mid October.0 -
I would just encourage him to work out, so he is healthy - the nice way to say something is not to focus on appearance but focus on how much you want to get old with him and let him know its important to you that he take care of himself so he is there for you and your kids, long term.0
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getting healthy is a personal choice. He is going to have to want to do it for himself before it will happen.
This. My hubby isn't the healthiest either, and it drives me nuts because he has been in the past but isn't currently. But, sometimes leading by example is the best thing you can do (and to have patience). I went this route and little things are rubbing off on mine, slowly but surely. He's going to the gym with me 1-2 times a week now, and I recently started baking protein muffins and he loves them! This week he's dumped his super unhealthy fast food lunches in favor of these muffins, fruit and hardboiled eggs and is amazed at how much better he feels when he doesn't eat crap and wants to keep going!
So, my suggestion is to lead by example and be patient. If you cook dinner, cook healthy. If he's going to eat a lot, eating a lot of something healthy is much better than a eating a ton of crap. You might just be surprised when he sees it working for you, maybe he'll join in. But you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to.0 -
Tell him he can't get into your pants until he can literally get into your pants.
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
to add to that it cant just come as one big shock, drop hint's, get them thinking about what they're eating and how large a portion they're eating is, the cogs need to be turning in their own mind and then if nothings comes of it it's time to up the game and bring it up in a controlled non outbursting way0
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I heard someone the other day saying he had "****y-do disease", I stupidly asked what that was. He said its when his belly sticks out farther than his ****y-do! :laugh:
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OMG! The other day I was explaining to my sweetheart what a "muffin top" was and he said you know what guys call that? I didn't know. And he said "****ie-do's" and I'm like "HUH?!?!" he said "well our tummy's hang over further than our ****ie-do's" I laughed FOREVER!!! Thanks for the reminder!0 -
I see you have kids
"Hun, I love you the way you are, but I want you to be there for our kids, and it is unhealthy to eat like you do, and not exercise.."
BAM! Didn't talk about weight.
Excellent! This is pretty close to what my husband said to me, and it took me some time to get off my pity party wagon, but I'm glad he talked to me. And now he's my biggest supporter and cheering squad.0 -
My husband is the most stubborn man on the planet. It took having a stent put in his brachial artery last spring to get him to quit smoking after 40+ years. The DR told him: no smoking, start walking, and eat healthy. He also has 75-80% blockage in his carotid artery. He takes meds for cholesterol and high blood pressure. Since I started MFP in January, I have made it a point to buy healthy food and have it around. He has been paying attention to what I eat and is starting to follow suit to a point. However, all my efforts to get him to walk with me, or just on his own falls on deaf ears. I know I can't make him change, but perhaps I can get him to follow my example. Time will tell.0
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If he has knee problems, perhaps you should pick an exercise that would fit both of you. He probably could go bike riding, which would have low impact on the knees. Or weight lifting would be good.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I FINALLY got him to go to a gym with me (and even without me!). We made a bet, whoever does NOT make it to their goal weight by June has to participate in the Polar Bear Plunge next winter (this is where a bunch of crazy Alaskans have to jump into the ocean in the dead of winter......brrrrr!)....so far its been really motivating and fun! He found a few buddies to workout with and lost 11 lbs so far! We always tease eachother how the other person is goin doooowwwwnnnnn!
Try to give the health speech and explain that you want him around for the kids but also be creative and try to make it fun. Maybe he has a few buddies he could go to the gym with.0 -
Cook nothing but healthy meals so even if he takes in a lot he's not consuming so many calories. You might not help him out of the home, but you can help him in the home.0
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My husband is so overweight he couldn't get standard health insurance (we're in the uk). He doesn't seem to mind, although I get a bit upset. But only they can change their mindset- same with us girls, how many times have diets failed because our reasons and motivation weren't right? We have to want to make a lifestyle choice, then it will work.
I think we can only lead by example, and hopefully something will rub off.
Another poster said plate up in the kitchen. This is great advice, and I definitely eat less this way.0 -
....they get taller? I got jipped...There have been long debates here about the merits of telling spouses the truth versus coddling them and letting them continue to grow vertically.0 -
"My husband, however, is not, nor does he care at all about weight (on me or himself)."
Tell him something like:
Even if you don't care about the "numerical value" of your body or how it looks, you should at least care about seeing your children grow up, growing old with me and the kids and also to how I feel.0 -
-Make smaller portions for meals so that he cant go back for seconds. (other than veggies, he can have unlimited amounts!)
-Make healthier meals ( doesnt need to be every night but like 4x a week? That way he wont feel that hes on a 'diet') .
-Hell realise it sooner or later. Be patient and supportive.
-Find ways to get him to be more active. Get a basketball net set up in your front yard and play with the kids! Or a football, baseball, soccer, etc! Bike together, take walks on a path or even find a path in a forest and bring the kids. Go swimming!
-Reward him when he does exercise or eat good! Make him feel good about himself.
Good luck! I mentioned to my fiance that he had been gaining weight and it didnt go well. He didnt seem upset and agreed with me, but i soon started realising that he became really self concious all because of me. I feel pretty horrible about it. .. Im sure he knows, not sure if you should say anything unless it absolutely worries you about his health. There is no easy way to tell him. Again, good luck
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I told my husband pretty harshly but it wasn't on purpose.
"It feels like my arms aren't getting any bigger."
"Maybe because your stomach is making them look smaller."
Honestly, I didn't even mean to say it that way but it was the truth. He has now done a completely food overhaul and works out 3 days a week.0
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