Question for the Ladies

Well, first of all, do the opposite of what you read in the "non-supportive Significant Other" threads!

Is all the junk food out of the house? Can you maybe help by cooking some healthy meals? And even home-schooled kids need a little Phys. Ed. Can she take everyone out for a walk during the day? It might be cumbersome with a couple of under-3s but depending on the size of the youngest, a backpack or frontpack and a stroller may work. And, other than rain, you can take properly-dressed kids out in just about anything. (When DS was 2 months old I strapped him into a frontpack and went cross-country skiing. He fell asleep.) Can you take over parenting while she goes to the gym after you get home from work? Can she swap babysitting time with another woman? It may be that she's so focused on the needs of 4 little ones that she's neglecting her own needs.

It may help to ask her what she thinks the roadblocks are, then work on dismantling them.

I agree with keeping only healthier foods in the house, and just start by improving her diet by having healthier meals as a family. I like the idea of taking the kids out to walk/play but maybe even go as a family, "hey lets all go for a walk!" If she accepts these smaller changes then maybe you can build her up to getting on mfp and sticking with it. Tell her how awesome mfp is and ask if she'd like to try it too instead of "maybe you should count calories now" or something. She will only do it if she is ready but hopefully since you have already started, the two of you can use each other for support and motivation! Good luck

I think the best way to be supportive is to tell her that since you've began on this path to health and wellness you are amazed by how much better you feel physically and emotionally. Tell her that you love her so much and you hate to see her feeling anything but beautiful. Positive reinforcement! Tell her that she does such an amazing job taking care of your family...and she has to take some time to take care of herself the same way she does all of you.

Ultimately you can't. No one can "convince" someone else to do something they don't want to do and expect then to like it or to even want to do it. Her motivation for changing has to be intrinsic and she has to decide of her own free will that she wants to change or it's not going to happen. I faced a similar challenge and what eventually worked was when my wife saw the results of what I was doing.

Let your results speak for you and hope that your success will make her curious enough to try it herself.

I am not trying to come off as rude so please don't take it as that. But, when she truly wants to lose the weight and change her lifestyle she will. No matter how much you want it for her she has to want it for herself. I have a friend who says all the time she wants to lose weight but she does nothing about it. She then gets upset when I lose weight. Some people think that they don't have it in them to make such a huge drastic lifestyle change. The most important thing to do is to be supportive of her. Encourage her to make small changes that she won't even notice them. Sometimes it's as simple as buying veggies instead of junk. I cannot have junk food in my house, I will eat it. It's just how it is. So, in order to prevent that we don't buy it, or if it's bought I try my best to exhibit self control. Maybe talking to her and finding out her reasons why she wants to lose weight and coming up with a plan together would help too. Best of luck!

It might be her mindset, she could think she's not capable of it. Or she could struggle with the 'diet' mentality, and when she thinks shes messed up her diet she 'cheats' and gives up. It doesn't mean she doesn't want weight loss, she's just going about it the wrong way.

I agree with all the advice on here, encouragement... I really like the first comment about asking her to do the eating plan you do so it's easier for you.

Hi, as someone mentioned earlier, your wife has got to want this for herself. With the best will in the world, nobody can make the change but her.
With this being said, encourage healthy choices and work together as a team. Good luck

Ladies, as a husband, how do I go about "motivating" my wife to clean up her diet and exercise. Now, that being said this is not my idea. She says all the time she needs to lose weight and eat better. And she gets depressed when getting dressed to either go to town or go church( which is whenever the doors are open). It is hard as we have 4 girls, 2 of which are home-schooled and 2 are under 3yo. So free time is hard to come by. How do I help motivate her without being insensitive? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and God Bless!

She already knows that she needs to do something, so be careful. Just love her, give her compliments. Be pleased and satisfied and happy with her. She will change when she's ready. We have five young children too. Last April I finally got around to beginning my fitness efforts.....any discouragement prior to that would have been crushing. I hated the way my body was looking....a far cry from my previously super fit trim self (on crew in college).

Just be as supportive of her as you can, and maintain love and approval toward her. Let her find her motivation and get on track.

Hi, as someone mentioned earlier, your wife has got to want this for herself. With the best will in the world, nobody can make the change but her.
With this being said, encourage healthy choices and work together as a team. Good luck

I agree with this. Honestly when I started I only did it to support my husband as he was the one who wanted to eat healthier and lose weight. I did but didn't have much motivation. Since I was the cook I offered a compromise of 30 days and we will see. Well 14 mths later I'm in the best shape ever, eating is completely different and I've done things I never imagined. I got there bc I was willing to help and support him but the will and motivation came from myself to change. Just be encouraging.

This is how my husband did it--he tried not to push, but when I showed interest in fitness, he supported me. We did our version of the "family walk" for a few years--while my husband (a life-long runner) did his long run on the weekend, our son and I would take a long walk. It was great bonding time for me and the kid, and we got some exercise.

Once it was a habit, my husband began buying exercise clothes for me to, you know, wear on the walks. Amazing what a difference that makes! I felt like I was walking for fitness then, not just for the heck of it. Then, since we were doing long walks anyway, one fall he suggested that when he ran our local half-marathon again in the spring, instead of being spectators like usual maybe the kid and I would like to try to walk it? So we signed up to walk the half. That meant we had to add more walking, and that Christmas my husband gave me a Polar heart rate monitor so I could track my progress. Let me add that this felt like natural progression, not being pushed.

Son and I completed the half-marathon in May 2008, incredibly proud of ourselves. Spontaneously, we decided that next year we'd do it again...only we would run it! Slowly, and with walk breaks if we had to, but we would do it. We didn't run during the summer heat, but that fall began running, and in January the whole family signed up for a training program. That helped keep me accountable--I knew I'd have to run X number of miles on Tuesday night, so I'd better run a few times during the week to prepare for it. Along the way, my husband kept buying me running clothes and little accessories to help keep me motivated.

To cut this short, I (and my son) ran the half in 2009 without even having to walk, and did the race the next three years, too. In '09 and '10 I still stopped running in the summer heat and didn't resume until fall or winter to train for the half, but in '11 I decided I was tired of losing my fitness every summer and forced myself to run on during the hot months. This year I have plans to move beyond the half-marathon distance for the first time--have my eye on both a trail marathon and, gulp, a 50K.

So...I started with a weekly family walk, and morphed into a year-round runner with specific running goals. Along the way, I decided that being heavy wasn't doing my running any good, and tracked calories to lose 35 pounds. Then I realized how great a tool running was for weight loss--eating back my running calories kept me from feeling deprived. I'm now back to tracking calories in an effort to lose some more weight and see if that helps me be a stronger, faster runner.

I can't thank my husband enough. It's only looking back that I can see how, almost invisibly, he helped me get where I am today. I hope there's something here you can borrow to help your own wife, but if not, thanks for letting me post this tribute to my husband!

Ultimately she needs to do this because she wants to. When she does make changes or any effort to improve make sure you notice, praise, show an interest and encourage her. Someone noticing your are trying is a great inspiration

Since she's home schooling 2 of the children, maybe you can suggest that, as a family, you do a unit on "good nutrition" as a learning experience. Get all of the family involved in planning menus, shopping and chopping, and cooking up the goodies. Discuss how it's also important to include being active is also important and maybe try out all kinds of activities, as part of the studies, to see which ones they enjoy.

Good luck.

Speaking of church- would it be possible for her to look into a Bible-based program for her church? One my DH belonged to in NJ sponsored a workshop called "Weigh Down". Sometimes group support makes a big difference.

My mom stayed home to raise 5 kids (less than 8 years between the oldest and youngest) and we're all so grateful. My Dad still worships her to this day! Good on her for making family the first priority...

My suggestion: you can double down and do some favors/errands for her like shopping for groceries or preparing a meal. She will appreciate one less thing for her to do, and gives you the opportunity to boost the Health-Quotient of what's on the table and the things in the fridge + pantry.

Even prepping (chopping vegetables and meal planning) doesn't take that much time but can save HER so much time if you're going to do a casserole, soup, pressure-cooker or crockpot meal. That way she can just dump everything in and forget about it.

Offer to do the laundry, the dishes or some other chore and ask if she'd like to take a walk by herself. Relative quiet and not worrying about the kids for an hour can seem like a major vacation to a F/T mother of young kids.

As a Mom, and having a great one, I know that we'll always put the children and family first. It's very easy to get overwhelmed. Our looks, our health and fitness will be last on the list of priorities if we get overrun by more urgent things like managing a household and home-schooling the kids. Since she's expressed a desire to be healthier, you can do everything to support that goal.

Even joining the local gym together would be good - it means you're doing something jointly, you're invested in being proactive and it will give her a place to go to "get away" from the kids.

Do keep us posted!

All you can do is be supportive when she's willing or wants to change. Give her opportunities like you have and continuing to make her feel good about herself with words and gestures. As previously pointed out, only she can make the decision to change. Good luck to you!