Struggling with the urge to starve

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ChelseaGoneAwry
ChelseaGoneAwry Posts: 53 Member
in Motivation and Support
Ladies (or gents) this one is a little personal.
I'm 18, 5'10" and right now I'm at 191 pounds. My goal weight is 140, which is a long way from now, but my starting weight was 205 so I'm obviously making progress. However, lately I've been finding myself extremely depressed about my body - I'm working out twice a day and constantly thinking about my weight. I used to have a positive self image but something's changed in me.
For motivation, I turned to fitness blogs on Tumblr and Instagram that emphasize a healthy, balanced lifestyle. However, I soon discovered that there is a dark underlying layer to these blogs - they're called "thinspiration" or "pro Ana" blogs, and they outline exactly how to become anorexic and stay that way.
I always thought I was too smart to treat my body that way, but for the past week or so I find myself disgusted by food and craving hunger. These blogs are so intoxicating, and they make anorexia feel so easy. I struggled with an eating disorder when I was younger, and now I'm fearing a relapse. I don't know who else to turn to, so please - any advice you can give me would be appreciated.
As you can see from my diary today, I ate under my calorie goal - however, in my mind today was a binge day and I had to go to the rec for two hours to work it off as much as I could. I don't want to starve myself, but the urge is becoming stronger every day.

Replies

  • emilyc85
    emilyc85 Posts: 450 Member
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    When were you making progress? When you were doing things right. You were still losing when you had been doing things right :) You are recognizing the signs of relapse. Talk to a professional, you are needing help.

    You will be fine as long as you do things correctly and go talk to a professional.

    Good luck to you and I hope that everything turns out ok for you :)
  • pebblesshanley
    pebblesshanley Posts: 3
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    I am so sorry that you have had this tragic relapse. As a lady, I can also attest to the pressure that we are under to be thin and beautiful. But no matter what your size, there is beauty in every woman. You might have already heard this, but here it is again. Self love is more powerful than self hate, so I would urge you to not compare yourself to others and learn to love yourself. Coping with feelings of inadequacy is difficult, particularly for a young woman. I would encourage you to talk to a professional who can help you develop skills to handle these powerful emotions. Starving yourself will lead you down a path of unhealthy weight loss that leads to yo-yo dieting and ultimate failure and more self-loathing. Changing patterns, eating healthy, and loving yourself as you are in this moment will lead to a healthy lifestyle. Don't let yourself fall into self-destructive behaviors and seek help from those around you.
    I hope you find these words helpful and not preachy, I apologize if they are.
    Good luck and hang in there, you are beautiful.
    --Pebs
  • ChelseaGoneAwry
    ChelseaGoneAwry Posts: 53 Member
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    That was very helpful, and sweet.(: Thank you for the support!
  • Twister19
    Twister19 Posts: 43 Member
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    I'm really sorry you're going through this, going to those pro-ana blogs are not going to do any good! You said you struggled with an eating disorder before, remember how terrible it was and how you'd never want to go back! Know that you are strong and awesome and don't need that bull****! In the last few months I have started my recovery journey from almost two years of bulimia. It wasn't fun. It wasn't easy. I hated myself every single second. Tumblr can be great for the fitblrs, but please please try to stay away from the thinspo blogs because they only romanticize a horrible disease.

    Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk :)
  • FitBlackChick
    FitBlackChick Posts: 215 Member
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    I totally get where you're coming from. Recently I have been experiencing depression, feeling bad about my body, and being obsessive over calories and exercise. It has been affecting my sleeping patterns, my moods, and has been making me lack motivation to do my workouts. A couple of weeks ago, I went over my calorie limit by probably no more than 700 calories. For the next 7 days I underate my almost 200 cals to make up for it! I totally get how you've been feeling. But hang in there. After a talk with my mother (who is also on this journey with me) I realize that in order for me to reach my goal, I have to love the way I already am first. It's okay to want to get that bikini body :wink: But we have to love the way we are first :smile: and I am going to start working on that. Add me, maybe we can motivate each other :smile: I'm 19 btw, and aim to lose 20 lb
  • jahilmer
    jahilmer Posts: 47
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    You are beautiful and so much more than that image you are looking at in the mirror. I would agree that those blogs are something to stay away from because they distort the truth and I know....I lost a friend to that horrible sickness and that is just what it is...an illness.

    Pursue something healthy with vigor like a music class, dancing, group sports where you will meet other young people truly into making healthy life-style changes. So, yes, join some other people but join people who respect their bodies not abuse them.
  • DaniH826
    DaniH826 Posts: 1,335 Member
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    These blogs are so intoxicating, and they make anorexia feel so easy.

    Sure it's easy ... until your hair falls out, your skin turns sallow and your body shuts down.

    They never tell you how this stuff ends.

    If the end of that road doesn't appeal to you, then don't go on it. Simple as that. You're an adult and free to choose as you wish.

    Just be aware that the image is a lie. They never tell you the whole truth.

    I realize that all of us are knockered in the head to some degree, but there's a lot more fun you can have being knockered than wanting to look like some gaunt stick figure for no reason other than to fit in with people who may or may not be there when you get seriously ill (most won't). Just sayin. You seem like a bright young woman who has better things to do with her time. :smile:
  • ngyoung
    ngyoung Posts: 311 Member
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    Have to try to focus on the health part. You are not unhealthy because you are overweight you are overweight because you were eating unhealthy. Starving yourself may work but you will still feel the same as you do now and likely even worse. Just day to day tasks will feel horrible cause your body will be wrecked. You have to remember you are doing this to feel better, losing the weight is just one indicator that you are treating yourself properly. Focus on the satisfaction when you eat a nice healthy meal knowing that you just did something good for yourself.
  • lynanyik
    lynanyik Posts: 1
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    A few years ago, I lost 40 pounds in like 5 months. I ate very healthy ( no pizza or burgers and tried to stay away from the processed food.) I had a body bugg at the time and it helped me see how many calories I burned everyday. It will tell how many you are burning while you are doing your workout.. I found that motivating. To be able to say wow I burned 3000 calories today! It's a nice feeling. However, I tracked my food but it wasnt a big deal to me.. Sometimes I would track it and other times I wouldnt. It sounds like you should take the focus off of the calorie aspect. At this point you know what is healthy and what is not. You know what you have been eating to lose the weight you have lost so far. I say stick with that. Keep doing what you are doing and the pounds will go away. Also, don't put too much focus on the working out either. Your workouts have to be a balance too. You want to do enough so that you are burning fat. When I lost those 40 lbs I worked out only 2 times a week. I lost that weight by strictly eating a healthy diet. Oh, one more thing. Dont think about that 140. If you do, you may never get there. You might psyche yourself out before you ever reach it. Set small goals and reward yourself along the way. Like after you lose 5 or 10 lbs eat your favorite meal or candy( in moderation of course). Then the next day you are ready to start on the next five or ten.

    I said all that and might have got off of the subject a bit, but make smaller goals for your weight loss and dont focus on the calories or the workouts as much. Focus on a healthy you. Healthy cooking methods, healthy foods, and healthy drinks..

    Oh the drinks part reminds me.. I loved to drink Silk Soymilk. It was like my snack or cheat in my day. It tasted great and was good for me! I hope I have helped you a little. Good LUCK!!! You can do it just focus on the important thing and that is a healthier you!

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