He Doesn't Support Me...
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LovelyLaura2321
Posts: 56 Member
I've struggled with my weight all my life. I met my fiance 3 1/2 years ago when I weighed 312 pounds at 5'6. He is also 5'6 and weighs 140. Our relationship was good, and he's even the reason I was able to go from 312 to 270 in just a few months.
After the initial loss, I slacked and stopped trying as hard. I was happy, and I just started making excuses about my weight and losing it. "Just this one time I'll cheat or skip the gym".... which always turned into weeks at a time.
And then I would feel bad and gross enough to try to lose weight again. And I would fail. Maybe I'd lose 5 pounds, but then I'd go back to eating crap and being lazy.
And my fiance would get frustrated with me, and then I would get defensive and just make things worse.
We would end the argument with me promising I would lose the weight. (It wasn't like a "Laura, you better lose this weight or I'm leaving you" kind of thing. It was more like a "Laura, you said you were going to do this, and you need to do it to be healthy" kind of thing.
I promised him several times (stupid, I know) that I would do it this time. He eventually just stopped believing in me - which has leaked into most aspects of our relationship.
I haven't promised anything like this to him for over a year now, but it doesn't matter. It's just as if I just broke the promise again. I'm still struggling with my weight. It's really really really hard for me to stick with it. A few years later, I'm only at 244 if that tells you anything.
But the way I see it, I'm still going down. I'm slowly losing it, and I really truly feel like my breakthrough is here. I know that I'm changing, but he still doesn't believe me. He says he won't believe me until I actually do it. Fair enough.
But why does he flat out have to tell me that I'm going to fail and to not even try? I get that he doesn't trust me, and that I caused him to feel that way, but why does he discourage me on the days I feel the strongest and most confident about what I'm doing?
Of course I'm afraid I'm going to fail again, but I have to at least try.
Am I missing something here?
After the initial loss, I slacked and stopped trying as hard. I was happy, and I just started making excuses about my weight and losing it. "Just this one time I'll cheat or skip the gym".... which always turned into weeks at a time.
And then I would feel bad and gross enough to try to lose weight again. And I would fail. Maybe I'd lose 5 pounds, but then I'd go back to eating crap and being lazy.
And my fiance would get frustrated with me, and then I would get defensive and just make things worse.
We would end the argument with me promising I would lose the weight. (It wasn't like a "Laura, you better lose this weight or I'm leaving you" kind of thing. It was more like a "Laura, you said you were going to do this, and you need to do it to be healthy" kind of thing.
I promised him several times (stupid, I know) that I would do it this time. He eventually just stopped believing in me - which has leaked into most aspects of our relationship.
I haven't promised anything like this to him for over a year now, but it doesn't matter. It's just as if I just broke the promise again. I'm still struggling with my weight. It's really really really hard for me to stick with it. A few years later, I'm only at 244 if that tells you anything.
But the way I see it, I'm still going down. I'm slowly losing it, and I really truly feel like my breakthrough is here. I know that I'm changing, but he still doesn't believe me. He says he won't believe me until I actually do it. Fair enough.
But why does he flat out have to tell me that I'm going to fail and to not even try? I get that he doesn't trust me, and that I caused him to feel that way, but why does he discourage me on the days I feel the strongest and most confident about what I'm doing?
Of course I'm afraid I'm going to fail again, but I have to at least try.
Am I missing something here?
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Replies
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Have you asked him that? Preferably calmly and rationally, rather than screaming it at him in the heat of the moment?
What? Am I the only one that snaps like that?!0 -
The thing that stands out to me, and actually make it difficult to see the rest, is the "I promised him" statements. Have you tried making a promise to yourself?
Just a little different perspective.
Also losing 68 lbs is still a huge accomplishment!0 -
You only fail when you stop trying. Remind him of that. Every time you try and fall short, you at least are still trying. It's better than not even making the attempt.0
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My first thought is that you are going to have to prove it. The talking about it in the past has fallen through, so there is nothing you can do at this point except show him the progress.0
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Speaking for myself...my husband asked me for years to lose weight...but until I was READY to do it, for me, it never happened. Finally I took a good look in the mirror one day and realized I had to do something...plus my size 18 jeans were getting tight. That day 28 months ago changed my life. I'm not where I want to be just yet, but I will get there. I'm healthier now than I think I have ever been and I know I workout more than I ever have (and I love it). This is something you have to do for you....and your head has to be in the right place too!! Good luck to you!!0
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The thing that stands out to me, and actually make it difficult to see the rest, is the "I promised him" statements. Have you tried making a promise to yourself?
This^^
Ultimately, this has to be something you do for yourself.0 -
Just focus on YOU!!!! He'll come around once you come around for yourself....no conversation about your weight anymore, just do YOU....no expectations from him....don't worry, stress over any non verbal or verbal converation...hit the activity, move the body, make the right choices for your body....keep silent, let your actions be YOUR truth and guide!!!! DO YOU!!!!0
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"Am I missing something here?"
Yes, yes you are. Regardless of the issues that weight loss or being overweight brings into your relationship. The fact of the matter remains that it's not about him, it's about you. It's your body and it's your body image. Don't count on anyone around you for support, family or otherwise. You should be more concerned about letting yourself down than letting him down. You do this for you and only you, and only because it's what you want.
Sorry if I am coming off as cynical. But this is something only you can do; and if you really want it you'll just keep pushing forward regardless of who believes in you.
Also, don't hold yourself to so high of a standard that you ultimately set yourself up for failure. You will slip up. Everyone does. Just keep pushing. Set mini goals and strive to reach them.0 -
The thing that stands out to me, and actually make it difficult to see the rest, is the "I promised him" statements. Have you tried making a promise to yourself?
Just a little different perspective.
Also losing 68 lbs is still a huge accomplishment!
^^^^^Ding Ding Ding....
You should not be doing this for anyone, but yourself!!! Set realistic goals...losing weight is a journey. It's an up and downhill thing....but as you go along, you will start to make small changes for the better, and eventually those small changes will total big changes. Do YOU really want to be healthier? If so, you can't look for anyone else's approval....you have to do it and be proud of any small accomplishment that you make....good luck. If you are willing to do this for YOU, I'm here to support you. Feel Free to add me...but make sure you remind me how you came across me when you request me.0 -
Maybe you could have him read some profiles here on mfp.... how common it is for people to make several attempts at losing weight until they hit upon the attitude and plan that will work for them.
Maybe you could find some good articles about the way "dieting" messes up the hormones that control appetite and how they stay screwed up for years afterward causing dieters to gain the weight back.
Look at smokers....many want to quit. They know it's not healthy. But it often takes several attempts to be completely successful at it.
And then you can ask him to be more understanding and patient with you. Love is so much more powerful a motivator than criticism.0 -
I struggle every day with my weight--as I have since I was a child, and I've been with my [skinny] husband and he's been with me for 28 years-- through thick thicker, thickest, then thin, then thick again.
He fell in love with me fat. . . but he's also been there when I've been in a good exercise routine and had my food under control, and he knows how my attitude and self-image improve when things are going well in that area.
But he also learned a long time ago that there was NOTHING he could say that would change me. I have to change myself. He praises me when I'm doing well, but he keeps to himself when I'm not. It is NOT his job to change me or to be my food and exercise cop. . . I have to do that myself.
I suspect that if you're anything like me, you're sensitive about your weight, so it's possible that you're projecting your own insecurities on him and inflating what he says or does. And if that's what's happening, then it's not fair to him--particularly if he loves you and cares for you enough to still be around after 3+ years.
Onnnnnnn the other hand. . . . my years as a volunteer at a battered women's shelter taught me that continuous little jabs and put-downs is an extremely common mechanism that abusers use to keep their women "in their place"-- the psychology being to remind the woman that, "hey, just remember you're damned lucky that I put up with you because you wouldn't be desirable to anyone else. "
To be clear, from one post on a diet and weight loss site, I wouldn't begin to try to tell you exactly what's going on in either your brain or his.
. . but that fact that it gets to you enough to say something in the first place makes me think that you might want to consider looking into it further. . . . maybe even seeking some counseling to determine whether it's you or him.0 -
Stop looking to him to validate what you are doing and just get on and do it. You obviously can, because you weigh less than you did when you met him.
What are you waiting for? Him to say it's OK, you don't have to do it anymore? To say OK, he believes you now, and then it'll magically disappear without trying?
Just do it. He'll believe it then. Until you actually do it, it is all just empty promises, just words, not actions.0 -
I suspect your boyfriend has a very low opinion of himself.0
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It's understandable that your significant other would want you to lose the weight, but I would never, ever put up with criticism. The best way to motivate a person isn't through nagging, but through encouragement. My husband just encourages me to get fit for me, not for him. Because he knows I'm a happier person when I'm active and that I feel better about myself, even when I look the same as before, on the outside. It changes me on the inside, and when I feel sexy, I seem sexier to him.
If you really want to change, you'll change. It'll take hard work, consistency, and dedication. You'll have to keep a long term perspective at all times. But it'll pay off. But changing for someone else will not be beneficial. Even if you manage to lose weight, you'll just end up gaining it back. And from what you said, it seems like he's more of a burden to you, as far as the losing weight thing goes, than anything else. I hate to say it, but if he doesn't encourage you when it comes to this, he probably isn't the most supportive about other things in your relationship. Not a good sign...0 -
How long have you been engaged to him? Is the wedding date contingent upon you losing weight? Is he using your weight to NOT set a date?
If he met you and fell in love with you when you were heavier, then why the rush to have you take the weight off?0 -
Congratulations on losing 70 pounds That is an accomplishment that you can be proud of. Well done!! Could that be your motivator for further weight loss instead of your fiance?
Not sure why you need his support in the first place! To me, it is a nice to have - not a requirement. Both weight gain and weight loss are strictly personal choices. I am sure most of us did not seek support from our partners while we added those pounds. Why depend on them when we want to lose them!
I think you have demonstrated that you can do it. Please define your goal and do your best to achieve those goals. Believe me, everyone notices your weight loss and so will your fiance. :-)
Best wishes.0 -
Just focus on YOU!!!! He'll come around once you come around for yourself....no conversation about your weight anymore, just do YOU....no expectations from him....don't worry, stress over any non verbal or verbal converation...hit the activity, move the body, make the right choices for your body....keep silent, let your actions be YOUR truth and guide!!!! DO YOU!!!!
Couldn't have said it better. No more discussion since that doesn't work well. Decide you're worth a healthier life and go after it. Eventually he'll see you're going after it for yourself...after all, that's the only opinion that counts...yours! It sounds like you're ready to do this for the right reason so if he puts you down, ask him (nicely) to please just not comment anymore until he has something positive to say. Good luck and start now.0 -
Stop looking to him to validate what you are doing and just get on and do it. You obviously can, because you weigh less than you did when you met him.
What are you waiting for? Him to say it's OK, you don't have to do it anymore? To say OK, he believes you now, and then it'll magically disappear without trying?
Just do it. He'll believe it then. Until you actually do it, it is all just empty promises, just words, not actions.
Once again ^^^^Ding Ding Ding....I've learned that you are never going to get validation until YOU start taking a proactive approach to things and doing things for yourself.0 -
So you've lost about 70lbs? That's a lot of weight! It doesn't come off over night and he should very well know that. I wouldn't even talk to him about the weight anymore. Just make it your own battle for yourself. If he's not going to be positive, tune him out. It's not easy, but very possible.
It's true that talk is cheap. I'm guilty of it, too. I openly admit it. I try really hard to practice what I preach!0 -
Unless you're lying on your profile you've lost 68 lbs. That is a pretty big success- and it seems like he's an ... being a jerk for making you feel like it's not. The fact that you lost that much- and did not gain it all back in the last few years is Amazing. you could not have been letting yourself get too crazy out of control.
He met you when you were heavier- he knew you had a weight problem you have made some pretty significant progress- some people never lose the weight.
His behavior- the way he is holding the fact that you haven't lost more weight against you- is not healthy. At what point did you losing weight turn into a requirement for him to support you? Him behaving that way would make me not want to lose weight at all. Im the kind of person who is told what to do I want to do the opposite. I would be like I dont CARE if you believe in me. And then I would wake him up in the middle of the night sometimes eating a bucket of fried chicken, or a sheet cake.0
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