How to lose weight without husband's support?
bizeemom62
Posts: 1
My husband is very fit and loves to run/exercise daily. I don't. I didn't have trouble with my weight in the past, but after chemo for breast cancer at 43, I went through menopause and have steadily gained weight for the last 7 years. Now, my husband agrees I'm fat, but won't support my efforts to lose weight. (I need to say he is very unsympathetic to obese women.) He feels I should eat what HE wants me to eat (he is a chef) and exercise like he does. I have arthritis and running and other cardio and strength training exercises are painful. I can do ok all day until it's time for dinner when he cooks buttered vegetables, cream sauces, fried foods, etc. He gets very angry when I ask to cook for myself so I can lose the weight. He hates it that I'm fat, but he won't let me lose weight "my way." I've tried fasting all day and just eating his food, but that doesn't work very well either. Advice?
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Replies
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He sounds like a controlling d-bag. Maybe some professional counseling?0
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"ASK" to cook for yourself? Really? Your issues are more than food and weight. Seek some counseling on how to take care of yourself. Good Luck!0
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Im gonna say this just to share my thoughts but obviously non of us are directly in your shoes and you yourself know in your heart the right answer for yourself.
Seems like the first bit of "weight" you need to lose is him
Do what you need to do for you to be healthy...physically and mentally. Good luck.0 -
Hi bizeemom,
Sorry to hear that your husband isn't supporting you, but surely being a chef he should know what you should and shouldn't eat.
As he isn't listening to you how about trying to have small portions. It's so difficult when you don't get the support from family and friends.
I wish you lots of luck on your weight loss journey. X0 -
"ASK" to cook for yourself? Really? Your issues are more than food and weight. Seek some counseling on how to take care of yourself. Good Luck!
^ I hate to agree with this.
It sounds like he enjoys having you in a vulnerable position and wants you to stay there.0 -
"ASK" to cook for yourself? Really? Your issues are more than food and weight. Seek some counseling on how to take care of yourself. Good Luck!
^ I hate to agree with this.
It sounds like he enjoys having you in a vulnerable position and wants you to stay there.
This.0 -
Wow! My wife is overweight but I give her all the encouragement I can we go to the Gym and we diet together.
Sounds like your first step is a new husband!
Don't let him control you.0 -
No one should ever have to go through anything without their significant other's support. Sounds like now that you're overweight, he's not into you, and he sounds seriously controlling. No help here.0
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So what if he gets mad? Tell him to suck it up and then make your own food. Its really not a big deal. Sounds like his ego needs to be deflated. Your husband being *****y for a couple weeks, you startblosing weight, he gets over it.0
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My husband is a chef and since we have been together I have gained over 80lbs. I know exactly how you feel. I have a really hard time when he makes dinner. I also am a nurse and come home at 830 starving having worked 13hrs. I really have to make myself use portion control. He has gotten better but its taken years to talk him into making "healthier" food. He is using more greek yogurt for creams that seems to help a lot. My husband loves soups. We do a lot of hearty soups that are low fat but still filling and full of flavor. It may come to the point that you just have to have will power and tell him you wont eat the things he makes if they arent healthy. I ask my husband to write down everything he uses so i can use the recipe tracker to count the calories. I also tore my ACL skiing and have a hard time running etc. I walk on our treadmill on an incline. Its easier on your joints.0
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Your husband is an a-hole. Apologies for the language.0
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"ASK" to cook for yourself? Really? Your issues are more than food and weight. Seek some counseling on how to take care of yourself. Good Luck!
^ I hate to agree with this.
It sounds like he enjoys having you in a vulnerable position and wants you to stay there.
This.
yup0 -
I think you need to explain the situation to him. Explain that it's not that you don't like the food he prepares for you, it's that it doesn't work for you. You're going to have to stick up for yourself if you are committed to losing the weight you put on. Perhaps a compromise for supper would work, eating a small serving (less than half a plate) of whatever he cooks for you and make a salad for the rest. One high-calorie meal will not hurt your eating habits too badly if you pick healthy options for the rest.
To be honest, he sounds far too controlling.0 -
And people need to realize that chefs are very sensitive about the food they make and it hurts their feelings when people criticize their food so jumping to conclusions and assuming your husband is a total douche is a little aggressive. Im sure he is a nice man just need better communication.0
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Tell him you would be more than happy to eat his cooking if he cooked nutritional meals. Don't even mention weight, say it's for your health, because you want to live a long healthy life.0
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He's a chef. If an anthropologist told him how he needs to cook, he'd probably schluff it off as the person doesn't know what they're talking about.
Same here. He's a chef who probably doesn't have any idea on how to train anybody else but himself. The same program doesn't work for everyone.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Giving him the benefit of the doubt he's maybe trying some reverse psychology ?
Plenty people here you can get support from best of luck in your efforts ...0 -
"ASK" to cook for yourself? Really? Your issues are more than food and weight. Seek some counseling on how to take care of yourself. Good Luck!
Agree with the above. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. An easy, quick way to lose 100+ lbs is to get rid of him...let him know that next time you have to ask to cook for yourself. Good luck.0 -
Maybe take a nutrition class together so he can see that "his" cooking (while it may be yummy) isn't actually going to be a good thing for either of you to eat as you age.0
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I agree about the counciling. Maybe he has some insecurities about you getting fit. Personally I started out with the same "sort of" issues except my hubby isnt over weight or even into being fit. Hes just naturally "normal". He would just tell me to eat whatever and it wouldn't hurt me. Or he would take us to places where there was nothing for me to eat. Among other sabatoging habits. I have struggled with my issues for many years and finally I didnt care what he said or wanted. I joined a gym, a swim fitness class (easy on the joints) and I meet with a personal trainer at my gym who also helps me meal plan. I started worrying about ME. And I started to succeed. I also started this AFTER I went to a therapist to start learning how to be a better me. You have to worry about you. My therapist would tell me to be a broken record and just keep asking WHY he insists on me doing it his way until I got some real answer. Not a "just because" type answer. He would also tell me to use the method of saying "I would like you to..." Like "I would like you to walk with me in the evenings" or "...cook me something lighter in calories" and not in a demanding way, but in a positive way that makes him feel like he's helping you and you admire him for it. I dont know your exact situations so I cant tell you how to tailor the phrases to work for you, but believe me when I tell you it works!0
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When it comes to your health and wellness, your husband has to be a nonfactor. Take control of your own weightloss, you own it. You need to let him know, that until further notice, you will be cooking your own meals. You are a grown woman, you do not need his permission to do this. You know your body and what you can and cannot handle. As you age, your medical conditions will get worse, if you are obese and it will be harder and harder to get the weight off, do it now.
MFP is a great source of support, but you must be proactive in your own health. Best of luck to you and feel free to friend me.0 -
I don't know if your husband is as controlling as the others are saying, although I understand why they get that impression. It might just be that he wants you to lose weight and thinks that he knows how to do it. Most trainers are like that too, even if they are complete idiots or completely wrong.
If he is as healthy as you say, he must be making some healthy food. My husband cooks alot too and I'm so thankful for it!! That said, if he makes something that might not be the healthiest, I just eat smaller portions. Even Jillian Michaels says you can continue to eat things you like as long as you minimize the amounts. I'm sure he won't expect you to eat as much as he eats, because you're probably burning less calories and you're trying to lose weight, and he's not. Also, keep in mind that women (especially ages 40+) lose weight very differently from men and you should remind him of that too
Also, if he is a runner or walker, I would say join him.. even if you can't do it for the running. My husband, as great of a cook he is, is also very fit, but he can't run because of joint issues. I would LOVE it if he could be my jogging buddy, but I just have to deal with the fact that he can't. Your husband has to do the same. If you can only walk with him, and try speed walking, then that should be sufficient. That doesn't mean you should ONLY be walking. You can find many other workouts to supplement it and walk with him a few times a week. That also will allow him to run on the other days and not get in your way.
Finally, I know from my experience with my hubby, that weight loss for women can be a really sensitive issue. When I first started, I didn't want his advice and I was very defensive about it. It was like a psychological thing because I was so uncomfortable with myself and I'd snap at him if he suggested that I work out more, eat less, or anything related to fitness. I worked on this for a long time, because I know he only wants the best for me. I realized that this was a self-sabotage mechanism.. that I was only getting upset because my brain was tricking me into not taking his advice and just staying overweight.
I learned that he loves me and wants to help.. and my husband doesn't even have a problem with my weight, he just wants me to be healthy. Maybe we can't do the same work outs, and maybe we eat lasagna every once in a while, but that's life. But when we can eat healthy and can exercise together, I've learned to appreciate that.
If you want more support as you go through this process, friend me!0 -
And people need to realize that chefs are very sensitive about the food they make and it hurts their feelings when people criticize their food so jumping to conclusions and assuming your husband is a total douche is a little aggressive. Im sure he is a nice man just need better communication.
Seriously? A chefs job is all about criticism so what he gets all but hurt at work when someone sends his food back? I doubt it dont makes excuses for him. His behavior is NOT acceptable he is being controlling and not listening to his wifes needs she needs a new man.0 -
And people need to realize that chefs are very sensitive about the food they make and it hurts their feelings when people criticize their food so jumping to conclusions and assuming your husband is a total douche is a little aggressive. Im sure he is a nice man just need better communication.
I was thinking this too, because I know that chefs can be sensitive, but she also stated that he is very unsympathetic to obese women. He seems to not only have an ego dependent on critiques of his food, but very narcissistic and inconsiderate in general.0 -
^^well saidWhen it comes to your health and wellness, your husband has to be a nonfactor. Take control of your own weightloss, you own it. You need to let him know, that until further notice, you will be cooking your own meals. You are a grown woman, you do not need his permission to do this. You know your body and what you can and cannot handle. As you age, your medical conditions will get worse, if you are obese and it will be harder and harder to get the weight off, do it now.
MFP is a great source of support, but you must be proactive in your own health. Best of luck to you and feel free to friend me.0 -
Hi there
I am sorry to hear that you are not getting the support that is needed, I had a similar thing but not quite as bad. My ex boyfriend knew I wanted to lose weight , just after moving to his country to be with him I asked him to join the gym with me but he flatly refused! I didn't join the gym on my own and all the years I was with him I didn't lose weight.
I don't think fasting is a good idea, how about you have salads or low fat food during the day and then slowly cut down your portion size for the fatty food that your husband cooks. Maybe after a while he will come to realise you are serious and he is not helping. But you know him best, just think of what is best for you and how you can make it happen!
If you can afford it why not try and get a personal trainer? who will be supporting your workouts, then you will have your own workout time and it doesn't matter if your husband won't workout with you. Or maybe a friend you can be your workout buddy.
It does sound more his issue than yours, he is just projecting his issues on to you and you are suffering as a consequence :O(
People can be very cruel, do what you can to out smart them and keep strong in your will power!!
Good luck, let me know how you get on!
Emma0 -
When it comes to your health and wellness, your husband has to be a nonfactor. Take control of your own weightloss, you own it. You need to let him know, that until further notice, you will be cooking your own meals. You are a grown woman, you do not need his permission to do this. You know your body and what you can and cannot handle. As you age, your medical conditions will get worse, if you are obese and it will be harder and harder to get the weight off, do it now.
MFP is a great source of support, but you must be proactive in your own health. Best of luck to you and feel free to friend me.
^This! Take responsibility for yourself. You really do not need his support to be healthy. You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. You can do this if you want it bad enough.0 -
My husband is very fit and loves to run/exercise daily. I don't. I didn't have trouble with my weight in the past, but after chemo for breast cancer at 43, I went through menopause and have steadily gained weight for the last 7 years. Now, my husband agrees I'm fat, but won't support my efforts to lose weight. (I need to say he is very unsympathetic to obese women.) He feels I should eat what HE wants me to eat (he is a chef) and exercise like he does. I have arthritis and running and other cardio and strength training exercises are painful. I can do ok all day until it's time for dinner
I know exactly how you feel. I have a husband just like that, although he is very conscious of what he eats. He just tells me not to eat so much. I have about 30 lbs to loose.
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Eve: I can resist everything....except temptation.0 -
He sounds like a controlling d-bag. Maybe some professional counseling?
^this0 -
First, do not fast! Make sure to eat a healthy breakfast every day. It boosts the metabolism. Try doing pilates or yoga, these exercises are easy on the joints. Drink tons of water and take fiber supplements. The fiber makes you feel full and it's something you need in your diet anyhow. You have to do what you can to be healthy...for YOU!!! The hell with the *kitten* husband! I think he's afraid that you'll look better than him. Cook your own meals if you need to. If he really loved you, he would support you. I've lost 25 pounds and couldn't have done it without the support from my husband. Good luck and God bless!0
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