Newbie / binge eater looking for friends and support

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freertobe
freertobe Posts: 17
in Introduce Yourself
Hi everyone...

I made an account on this site over a year ago but this is my first post. I really need help, but I'm not sure where to turn. I'm so ashamed to admit that I have a binge eating problem. The subject line of this post even makes me cringe. The fact that I'm not really overweight by BMI standards makes me afraid to speak up, as friends have been dismissive in the past when I tried to talk about my struggles.

The binging has become much, much worse recently. I often feel sad and broken. I know this is connected to some recent stressors (looking for a new job while dealing with questions of partner's relocation, IBS health issues which make me very angry / frustrated with my body). These issues often give me a feeling of worthlessness and lack of control over my body. Subsequently, I punish myself with food... eating until my body feels as awful as my mental / emotional state.

Over the past couple of years, there have also been months when I've restricted and overexercised, whittling myself to a low and unsustainable weight, which I'm sure is connected to the binging problems I have now. I'm constantly looking to regain a sense of control over my eating, which I know causes me to panic and binge. I've read a lot of advice on how to address this issue, including Geneen Roth's Women Food and God. I've tried everything from logging my food to intuitive eating to making lists of distractions to motivational quotes to read ... but when I get the urge to binge, I honestly *forget* to consult these tools! My brain enters a daze, with my hands mechanically shoving food in my mouth. It's only minutes after the binge, when I'm coming out of the daze with feelings of intense guilt, self-hatred, physical discomfort, etc. that I think - oh right - I should've read those things / done that first!

At this point, the only thing I *haven't* tried is talking to somebody about it and being 100% honest about the problem that I have. Nobody really knows about it, as I tend to binge when my partner is out of the apartment. Again, I don't discuss it with friends since they think I'm just stressing over a non-existent weight problem. Sure, I would love to shed the pounds that I've gained as a result of binging, but my greater goal is just to enjoy a meal with occasional snacks, without freaking out and binging in secret.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I wonder if anyone has gone through something similar who would want to be MFP friends / offer ideas? Was logging helpful? Was intuitive eating helpful? Are there any ways you've found to counter binges that are particularly effective... things that I couldn't possibly *forget* to do when my brain enters a daze and demands that I binge?

Thank you so much for listening and any advice you can offer.
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  • gettingfitnana303
    gettingfitnana303 Posts: 74
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    :smile: Hello and thanks for sharing your story. I have responded to some others who are suffering.....and it is truly suffering from an eating disorder. I had anorexia when I was 15-16. I was never treated or diagnosed, because it wasn't really talked about a lot back then. I'm 59 now. It took me 2 years of my friends telling me I looked like a skeleton etc before I realized the harm I could be doing to my body. Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves. Too focused on weight. Food is something that is comforting to everyone. Be kind to yourself. You are loved. You are good. You need to only never forget that. You don't have to punish yourself for ANYTHING. I know when I was suffering food was the only thing I thought I could control. I could control what I ate. No body could force me to eat. I realize how obsessed one can feel about food and it takes time to refocus. Sometimes we get false body images of ourselves. I know I did. Don't be afraid or ashamed to reach out. Many people suffer in silence, and alone. Reach out. There a lots of people that will share stories with you. I care, I'll always care. Nice to meet you.
  • freertobe
    freertobe Posts: 17
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    Hi. Thanks so much for your kind words -- it brought me to tears. I'm in my twenties, a period where I'm still trying to figure how who I am / what I should do, which so easily becomes tangled up with body image and self worth issues. I read your profile and it brought a smile to my face. Your lifestyle sounds so quirky and full of family and love. You're an inspiration. Thanks again.
  • MissDeAnn
    MissDeAnn Posts: 47 Member
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    I have the same issue (Binge Eater) and I have overcame it somewhat. I try to plan my meals, I eat slower, and drink water before meals. I'll be happy to support you in this journey i'll add you.
  • dkutnyak
    dkutnyak Posts: 13
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    GOOD DAY FOLKS.....I, too, am new on this site...I've not posted much but if you're looking for a lifestyle change have you considered going raw or plant based in your diet ? Can't hurt you in reaching for fruit and or vegetables as a alternative to junk food at least your body, mind and soul will LOVE you for the healthy choices...smoothies are GREAT tasting. I am doing a lifestyle change....one day at a time and it's working for me. I'm here for you if you need help !!
  • dancingqueen105
    dancingqueen105 Posts: 22
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    I'm a binge eater as well. I just try to plan out my meals as much as possible, and I try not to eat while doing anything else (watching TV, reading, surfing the web, homework, etc). It also helps to make sure you portion out your food: make sure you don't sit on the couch with the whole bag of chips, because you will eat them all -- and I have! Just pour some into a bowl and tell yourself you can't have anymore than that. You'll find that you'll eat them slower.

    The key is not to starve yourself after a binge. It'll only make you binge again.
  • inspiredsue
    inspiredsue Posts: 1
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    Thanks for posting this. I am 61 years old and have been playing the weight loss game all my life. About 3 years ago, I finally got to my ideal weight for the first time in my life by eating all the "right" foods and exercising almost daily. I even became a certified NASM personal trainer. Then I fell on a bike ride and shattered my arm. Over the past couple years, some of my weight has slowly returned to my body. This was due to the return of old habits like having wine with dinner and simply eating too much. I think I'm finally back on track and spend a lot of my time encouraging others to take care of their bodies. I read a great book about food addictions and how some foods can cause your brain to basically lose control and cause binging. I am experimenting with a new food plan and am slowly eliminating certain trigger foods from my diet. I'd be happy to support you in any way that I can.
  • freertobe
    freertobe Posts: 17
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    MissDeAnne - Thanks, I've added you as well. That's a great point about the water, but it's one of those things that slips my mind when it's in binge mode. I need to find some way to force myself to drink first. I do mistake dehydration for hunger, so that's something to work on.

    dkutnyak - I'm trying to work more fruits and veggies in my diet, but I haven't had much success trying to limit myself to those items only. It's too restrictive for me personally, and I want to keep enjoying a variety of foods. Best of luck on striking the lifestyle that works for you and makes you feel good! :)

    dancingqueen - Ah, portions. Those elusive unicorns. :) I had an incident with a chip bag earlier this week. There's a fascinating article in the NY Times right now about the addictive science of junk food, and they address why chips are so particularly addictive. Definitely something to watch out for, thanks.
  • classnstyle
    classnstyle Posts: 2
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    Hey There! I saw your post and you are not alone! I have always struggled with binge eating. I would eat anytime I got stressed. I used food to comfort any emotional pain, also I would use it as a reward. (Feeling sad-Eat Candy. or "I ate healthy today, might as well treat myself to some chocolate cake") I wasnt sure how to change my habits until I took a weight loss class at my community college. The instructer had us all read the book by Keri Gans "The Small Change Diet". I know it might sound cliche but this book was the start of a brand new life for me. It talks about 10 small steps to take in order to lose weight. She opens the book by teaching how to balance meals with veggies protein and healthy "fat". Rule number 1 is to always eat breakfast. She also discusses how to manage cravings and looking at what triggers the binge eating. She mentions that instead of rewarding yourself with food, or punishing instead find another outlet for stress. In my case I started to treat myself to luxurious bubble baths whenever I felt stressed. The main key is to not make yourself feel guilty, If you do overeat at one meal, Do not punish yourself by skipping a meal. This will lead you to binge at the next meal. I learn to Forgive myself and get back on track.
  • freertobe
    freertobe Posts: 17
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    inspiredsue - Wow, that really is an inspiring story. You look so happy in your exercise gear! Best wishes for your recovery.

    classnstyle - Luxurious bubble baths sound like an amazing alternative to a binge. I don't have a bathtub, so I'll need to find another indulgence. I think maybe part of the problem my list of distractions from binging doesn't work is that it's mostly a list of *work* related things I need to get done. Maybe I'll have more success with a totally unproductive, self indulgence. Let me know if you have any ideas! :D
  • BrandiBoo84
    BrandiBoo84 Posts: 110 Member
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    Feel free to add me! The more the merrier!
  • iyerritsegan
    iyerritsegan Posts: 2
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    I know exactly how you feel, and I can relate to that so much. I am a new user too, and these are the same reasons Ive came on here!
    Hoping for support and guidance, and would happy to take this journey with you all!
  • WildcatMom82
    WildcatMom82 Posts: 564 Member
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    Have you looked to see if there are Overeaters Anonymous meetings near you? I've been on and off their website and listened to a few of their broadcasts and it sounds like a great program for those who binge. I haven't quite gotten up the nerve to go yet, but I want to. The best things that have worked for me are keeping the main binge foods out of the house (for me it's sugar cereals, milk chocolate, and ice cream) and making sure to eat enough during the day. I do best at a 1700-1800 calorie goal because I can eat more often, which makes me obsess less over food in general. I've only had 1.5 (I was able to stop myself the 2nd time) binges since recommitting to logging and workouts the beginning of January, but this is also something I've been working at for years. I started food logging back in '04 when I lost weight the first time around.

    I've heard also of people being put on low doses of medications meant to treat OCD behavior and it helping them out a lot. I definitely want to find someone to talk to. I feel like OA might be the first step, I just need to get there.
  • StaceySuperfly
    StaceySuperfly Posts: 101 Member
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    I am very proud of you for writing this post! Shame and secrecy keep you from getting well. You are not alone and writing this post is the first step in setting yourself free from your unhealthy ways of coping. I went over a decade of clinical depression without treatment and used food to cope with the pain and emotions you are experiencing. I finally saw a therapist and got medication for depression and anxiety and learned healthy ways to cope and how to see myself as the strong woman I really am. I would suggest you talk to a professional about depression, its hard to change your habits when you don't know how to love yourself. You have come to the right site for support! We all have struggles and while we all think we are the only one here we find many like us and learn from each other how to make healthy choices. You can do this! You are worth it! Happiness and confidence are yours for the taking and I would be happy to support you on your journey to better health. :flowerforyou:
  • marciebrian
    marciebrian Posts: 853 Member
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    :wink:
    inspiredsue - Wow, that really is an inspiring story. You look so happy in your exercise gear! Best wishes for your recovery.

    classnstyle - Luxurious bubble baths sound like an amazing alternative to a binge. I don't have a bathtub, so I'll need to find another indulgence. I think maybe part of the problem my list of distractions from binging doesn't work is that it's mostly a list of *work* related things I need to get done. Maybe I'll have more success with a totally unproductive, self indulgence. Let me know if you have any ideas! :D
    Some great ideas and advice/sharing. I would think the majority of us on this site has (or have had) food issues at some point or we wouldn't be here:wink: I have my trigger foods (for me its chips, any chips at all will do thank you) so I just try to stay away from them. I have days that I just eat what I want so I don't feel I'm depriving myself all the time. I dont have that much to lose but like everyone certainly have food challenges.

    Good luck and you can add me. I'm 58 and still have issues. guess we never grow up :wink: :wink:
  • freertobe
    freertobe Posts: 17
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    Thanks for your support!

    Fianna - Your tattoos are absolutely stunning! And your wedding picture -- I die, I die. :)

    WildcatMom - Thanks so much for bringing this up! I actually just looked up Overeaters Anonymous meetings in my area today. I think I'll work up the courage to go next week; MFP is a great resource but it could be helpful to have a live support group as well. I think you're on point about the OCD behavior as well - it's something I've considered. I've had some OCD behaviors all my life and now it seems like they are being concentrated into disordered eating thoughts. I'll look further into it... thanks.
  • Emwalker716
    Emwalker716 Posts: 12 Member
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    i'm right there with you. i struggle with binge eating and have struggled with starving myself/being a gymrat in the past. i've never been 'skinny' but two times in the last 4 years i've lost >50 lbs in ~3 months and then (obviously) gained it all back. it makes me sick to my stomach admitting that i'm a binge eater cause after all the whole point is that we hide it from everyone else, right? i've read the books on intuitive eating and its just so much harder to do than it seems. there are times when i think i shouldnt be on mfp cause its just feeding my addiction but alas, i'm giving it a shot. i'm trying to up my daily calories now so i dont save save save throughout the day anticipating a binge since i've been starving myself and dont feel 'full'. i'm hoping 1700-1800 cals will be enough.

    feel free to add me. i'm right there with ya. this is a tough road to travel and an even tougher one to be 100% honest with ourselves about.
  • ElizabethSays
    ElizabethSays Posts: 16 Member
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    Hi there--

    I am new as well and looking for suppor. Hope we can connect!
  • KenosFeoh
    KenosFeoh Posts: 1,837 Member
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    Me too. I've been working on this extensively for the past four years at least. I finally got somewhat of a grip about 5 months ago by establishing four specific meal times for myself. It used to be that I'd be in the kitchen feeding my face like crazy and tell myself "this is lunch," and 30 minutes later I'd be having a "snack". Not exactly in those words because it seemed completely uncontrollable and I wasn't putting much thought into it. It was kind of like I'd black out, then "come to" cutting yet another chunk off the half a block of cheese left that I bought whole only the day before.

    Establishing meal times (roughly 8, 11, 2, after 5) put an interrupt into the cycle. There are two clocks in the kitchen, and I can't help but see them. I ask myself "is it meal time? No? GET OUT OF HERE!" or "Yes? Make it count." Then I assemble myself a meal on a plate.

    Of course it's a continuing struggle, and some days are better than others. I still find myself popping a pinch of trail mix or something into my mouth even though I know it's not meal time. I still throw a mental noose around my own neck and drag myself out of there kicking and screaming in protest on a regular basis. My favorite alternatives are to walk the dog, work in the yard, or do something crafty. But most of the time I have to put myself back to work. I work at home as a medical transcriptionist, and the kitchen is about 10 steps away.
  • freertobe
    freertobe Posts: 17
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    Staceysuperfly - I laughed out loud at your profile picture. You have such an inspiring personal story!

    Emwalker - Exactly how I feel ... At this point, I'm more trying to stop the train wreck that is binging instead of hitting a low calorie goal, but I notice that when I eat until reasonably full, my calories tend to fall into the 1700-1800 range. I'd be glad to support each other in our journeys. :)
  • freertobe
    freertobe Posts: 17
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    KenosFeoh - I know how hard it is to be in sight of the kitchen! I live in a tiny studio apartment so the kitchenette is right there at all times. Unfortunately, I work a job right now with unstable hours so I can't really set an eating schedule like that. However, I know when I worked a more stable job in the past, I did use that technique with some success. I hope your tip can help others!

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