What a difference a year makes (long and with pics)

I came to realize that one of the most important things in my journey to health was to examine why I was holding me back. Over time I had developed so many barriers/excuses in my mind and they had become my biggest obstacle.

I had gone up and down in weight most of my life, most of the time the up periods were tied to inactivity periods following surgery. Up until 2004 I had a total of 11 operations on my legs and at that time I had been making regular visits to my orthopedic because of an increasing level of pain for the previous 18 months.

To make a long story short the problem was eventually found at a point where it was almost too late to fix. I was sent to a specialist who sent me to another one. The final Dr. told me that if I was an older person he would just tell me that I was going to be in a wheelchair the rest of my life but because of my age he was going to try to fix things, but could not promise anything more than a wheelchair. He scheduled me for surgery the day after he saw me for the first time and said it was a good thing he did because another few weeks and he may not have been able to fix it because it was progressing so fast.

Things were successful and I was able to rehab over a period of a year moving from crutches to a cane. Then the other leg gave up and another operation was required. I managed to rehab again but was still dependent on the cane.

In retrospect I realize now that I had given up around this time, after trying to recover from 13 operations and getting myself healthy to just do it all over again seemed like a never ending process. Even more so this time I had even more significant muscle damage and the Dr. and Physical Therapist both said they would never fully recover. At the time I did not realize that I had given up, I had a scatoma and subconsciously convinced myself that I had done all I could do and there was nothing more to do.

I am going to mention a few things that led me to this point, not to lay blame on anyone because the problem lived in my head. These are events that I allowed to change my belief system about what my limitations were. I also realized I had given up in stages and each time I imposed more limitations on myself my health suffered.

At the age of 13, at the time of my first surgery, I spent nearly two years on crutches. My Dr. prohibited me from taking any PE in school, including when I started college. Additionally he told me that the most strenuous activity he wanted me to do was walking and nothing more.
After my first operation my parents protected me like I was made of glass. I was always told to be careful, I was not allowed to go on any rides at the fair because I might get hurt, I could not do a lot of things by brothers and sisters did because I might get hurt.
I will never forget when I was 19 sitting at the doctor’s office working out the details for another operation when he came into the room, leaned against the door, pushed his glasses to the top of his head, looked at my x-rays, looked at me and said:

“John, you have ****ing bad legs. You have the legs of a 65 year old man and you are just going to have to learn to live like one”
The image of him standing there and those words were burned into my head and it was not until this last year I actually realized how much of an impact those words have had on me. I have limited myself so much because of the belief that I have to be careful and not do too much because I don’t want to wear out my legs.

When I got married my wife helped me by reminding me when she thought I was doing something that may hurt me. She sat at my side a few months after giving birth to our first child as I was recovering from yet another operation, she heard the Dr. that had been treating me since 13, reminding me to be cautious because he was not sure how many more times they would be able to fix things.

I taught myself to limit activity too much, I taught myself to be scared of hurting myself because I remembered my Dr. telling me at 15 if that surgery did not work I may end up in a wheelchair for life, I remember him telling me that I needed to treat my legs like I was an old man, I remember every single precaution and caution I was ever told and after the last surgeries I got to the point I even quit walking for health. I remember hearing less than 10 years ago that they might not be able to fix me and I might be in a wheelchair. That scares the hell out of me and I way overcompensated to make sure that would never happen.

I have been in pain for most of my life, sometimes very significant pain. I let that pain consume me, I let it become an excuse for not doing things, for sitting on my *kitten* all the time, and it was normal for me. I have to admit that Dr. that performed my last two surgeries did tell me I could be more active than I had ever been before. He explained in details how my muscles worked, how I could improve and strengthen those that were damaged, what my limitations were. Somehow I mostly heard the limitations he imposed and really did not hear him talk about what my limitations were not. I realized that I was so used to imposing physical limitations on myself that they were automatic.

I did get my muscle stronger for a while, but every time I had any physical discomfort from exercise I would stop. This is so funny to me know because I cannot begin to tell you the high level of pain I have lived with at times, yet a little muscle discomfort from exercise would cause me to stop.

There is so much more I learned about these scatomas I had built in my head, but I think these are some of the key ones that led me to where I was when I started this journey.

1 year ago today, March 2, 2012, I went to my annual health screening. I was in pain as I hung my handicap sticker to my mirror, picked up my cane, and made my way in for the annual rounds of tests. I was always in pain, some days it was really bad, but most days it was just a dull ache. Arthritis is what I was told, settled into my bad joints and I had learned to live with it. I had built up a complete belief system that this pain was normal and my only option was to learn to live with it. The more inactive I became the more pain I lived with, but I did not correlate it that way. In fact my belief was just the opposite the pain was the cause of my inactivity and there was nothing I could do about it.

When I got the results of that screening something in me woke up because for the first time was told that I had borderline high blood pressure, was a borderline diabetic, and was borderline high cholesterol. Before it was just my legs that caused me so much trouble, I was healthy and always within norms in the other areas of health, other than being a little overweight.
Realizing it was only 18 months before I turned 50 I decided I was tired of being in pain all the time and getting fatter. I started to reflect on what I could do to improve my health and made a plan.

I began to work hard on the general physical therapy needed to strengthen the bad muscles. I was not yet worried about diet I had to concentrate on getting the muscles stronger. I knew I could do it, but I could only use isometric moves and no weight at all. In the beginning I could barely do one rep of the main movement for working my worst muscle. It was very painful to even accomplish one rep but I continued to push through it and before long I could do 2, and then 3. I can’t even express how painful this was, but this time I was not going to give up because I might make things worse. I was careful to make sure I did not push too hard but I could not let the discomfort stop me.

I started walking and moving more and really concentrated on the mechanics of movement that I needed to improve. My wife was very concerned that I was going to hurt myself, that I was doing too much, and walking too much. This was a hard mental battle for me as well, I had to not only overcome own barriers but I had to continue my journey without worrying my wife too much. I also had to depend on her to ground me because she knows that when I put my mind to something I am very driven. She was worried I was overdoing and at times she had reason to. It was a balancing act for me, between going all out to the point it was not good for me to being too cautious.

By the end of May I was able to quit using my cane and walk on my own power and had lost a significant amount of my limp. At that time I started working on my diet and increasing the length of my walks to continue to get stronger.

At the end of May 2012 I stepped on the scale and was 268 pounds. I wore a size 38 pants with a “comfort waist”, this helped convince me I was not too heavy because I could wear a size 38. If you have ever seen those pants what that really means is when they are tight you are probably a size 42.

I wore size 18 and 18 ½ shirts. I had to have the 18 ½ for when I needed to wear a tie because I could not fasten the collar on a size 18.

I generally walk between 5 and 10 miles most days, have joined a gym and do mostly cardio and upper body work. I have limitations on activities I can do with weights and my legs, limitations that are imposed because of mechanical restrictions not because of my own mental blocks.

So here I am, 6 months from turning 50, at the goal weight I had set for myself. I have gone from 268 (or more) to 205 and am holding steady. I have gone from a BMI of over 34 to just over 26. From a body fat of 37.8 to one of 20.9, I would like to go a little lower but I am taking some time at my goal weight to learn to maintain my weight and my current routine for a while before deciding where I want to go.

I am wearing a size 34 pants and they are loose. I am wearing size 16 ½ shirts, the collars button when I need to wear a tie and they are not at all tight around my neck. A few weeks ago my wife bought me a size 16 shirt and I was apprehensive about trying it on, but it fit!

I am walking daily and generally walk between 8 and 10 miles a day and in November joined a gym. At the gym I do upper-body work use walking and a bike for leg strength. I do some modified body weight squats but nothing weighted. I feel like I could, I really want to, but I have finally come to terms of what my true limitations are and not the others I spent most of my life creating for myself. When I was in my mid 20’s I decided I was going to get in shape again and started at the gym. I lifted weights with my legs, against all restrictions. I remember clearly doing a leg press and breaking my leg. Surgery followed that experience and I never told the Dr. that it happened. In fact this is the first time that I can recall I have ever mentioned about this being the cause of that damage. I remember that incident every time I look at people working their legs and thinking that I can probably do that. That is a true limitation and one I have to keep in mind as I feel better all of the time.

The most important thing I have done was to really examine my attitudes going all the way back to when I was first hurt and come to terms with all of those events that contributed to my attack of stinking thinking and multi-year pity party. I had to knock down every one of those barriers I had built in my head in order to move forward.

I have had to limit my activity lately do a foot injury. My regular orthopedic has retired and, I have seen 2 new Doctors and have been sent to a third that I will see on the 12th. The last Doctor said that with my complex history it is important that I see a Doctor that is used to working with “athletes” like me. I can’t tell you how good that made me feel when a dr. that had never seen me before and did not know where I was a year ago called me an “athlete”.

My next annual screening is scheduled towards the end of this month and I can hardly wait to see what I have done to those stats. I am certain that I am no longer borderline anything – well maybe borderline healthy!

Now for the pictures:

Here I am at 268 (or more) – I don’t have many because I have never really liked having my picture taken. These were all taken at work for publications.

[img]http://i1294.photobucket.com/albums/b605/johned63/Photobucket Desktop - JOHN-TAB/50 down/268-1.jpg[/img]

[img]http://i1294.photobucket.com/albums/b605/johned63/Photobucket Desktop - JOHN-TAB/50 down/268-2.jpg[/img]

My cane and handicap tag have remained unused and I don’t have plans to ever use them again.

[img]http://i1294.photobucket.com/albums/b605/johned63/Photobucket Desktop - JOHN-TAB/misc/cane_zps09481ac9.jpg[/img]

[img]http://i1294.photobucket.com/albums/b605/johned63/Photobucket Desktop - JOHN-TAB/misc/sticker_zps50b23628.jpg[/img]

I feel I need to post collage of some of internals because it is an important part of my journey.

[img]http://i1294.photobucket.com/albums/b605/johned63/Photobucket Desktop - JOHN-TAB/misc/collage_zps4709bcda.jpg[/img]

And finally a couple of me at 205:

[img]http://i1294.photobucket.com/albums/b605/johned63/Photobucket Desktop - JOHN-TAB/misc/2054_zpsc6708988.jpg[/img]

[img]http://i1294.photobucket.com/albums/b605/johned63/Photobucket Desktop - JOHN-TAB/misc/205_zpse9552264.jpg[/img]

And for my friends who think that at times I have a screw loose – proof that all loose screws have been removed:

[img]http://i1294.photobucket.com/albums/b605/johned63/Photobucket Desktop - JOHN-TAB/misc/screws_zps9dbb631f.jpg[/img]

I know it is hard to lose weight and get healthy. The best advice I can give anyone is to spend some time getting to really know yourself and break down those barriers that have been built that might be preventing you from reaching your goals. I did not even realize I had built so many of them until I took the time to really look deep inside.

I know it sounds like a cliche, but if I can do it - you can too!