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rubixcyoob
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So, to cut a long story short this is my dilema:
Me and my now ex-fiance (C) had mutual feelings for each other when we were teenagers, and then lost contact. When we met again those feelings came back but it took us a year to finally get together officially - December 2011. Fast forward to March 2012 and he proposes, 7 days after my 19th birthday. I say yes.
Fast forward another few months and everythings fine and dandy - all honeymoon period and in love. From about October/November onwards it hard been rocky. More and more arguements, less and less periods between them. However we kept at it, for us and my son. Fast forward to Sunday morning just there and I finally end it with C. I had enough of the arguements, the non-change, the broken promises and the pressure that had built up. I couldn't do it, I need a relaxed relationship.
Me, I'm a horizontal kind of person. Go with the flow, organised but not so much so I'll sweat the small stuff. I also like my space.
C - he likes being with his partner 24/7 and gets uptight about a lot.
After we broke up I started talking to my friend (P) again. Me and P are into the same stuff, but mostly get along because we are both single parents and can understand the difficulties and joys faced by being younger and going through that.
Now, C wants to meet and talk on Saturday. Says we can go slower, move at a more normal pace. We originally planned for him to graduate, us to move in together and then get married within about 2 weeks, next summer. Crazy pressure.
P wants to meet me for a birthday drink. We've been friends for a long time and I know it's innocent. However, I know C will flip and not want to discuss anything if he finds out.
Part of my still wants to be with C, but part of me isn't sure it's a wise decisions. Am I only doing it because our history and I know he still loves me, or am I doing it because I want to. Will things change or will it stay the same. Will we recover or won't we. There are lots of variables.
I expected to feel guilty when P asked me for a drink, even though it's platonic. I never.
I enjoy the freedom. I'm only turning 20 for goodness sake.
Don't get me wrong, C isn't a bad person at all. In the beginning he seemed to be what I needed and wanted in a partner, but as the time went on he changed into someone who needed to be with someone that I wasn't and this caused arguements.
Anyone, any opinions? If you've been in a situation similar, what did you do? If not, what would you do? Just any third party to shed another perspective on this would help. My brains very jumbled and not making much rational sense.
EDIT: Oh I should of made it clearer, P wasn't a date or anything. He just asked because he lives about an hour from where I do and hadn't seen me in ages and just wanted to buy one for my birthday since we hadn't seen each other in a while and we used to see each other, through our mutual friends, almost 3-4 times a week at one point. He has also been engaged and broken it off, so he was just offering someone to talk to. We've never shown interest in each other like that.
The reason I expected to feel guilty is because C was so insecure throughout our relationship that even if I spoke to a guy or went for drinks with my gay friend, he would get jealous so I wouldn't do it. I still expected to feel that as it would hurt him, despite it not being anything more than had I gone for a drink with my best friend or something.
EDIT 2: I don't know if the P situation is coming across right. The P situation isn't a 'situation', it isn't P or C. It's whether I should be with C - P was only used because even going for a platonic drink with P might disturb anything that could maybe still be with C, as he is quite insecure. P could be an A-Z for all it matters - he was just mentioned because it might rock the boat between me and C, should I wish to talk with him and decide to go slower.
Me and my now ex-fiance (C) had mutual feelings for each other when we were teenagers, and then lost contact. When we met again those feelings came back but it took us a year to finally get together officially - December 2011. Fast forward to March 2012 and he proposes, 7 days after my 19th birthday. I say yes.
Fast forward another few months and everythings fine and dandy - all honeymoon period and in love. From about October/November onwards it hard been rocky. More and more arguements, less and less periods between them. However we kept at it, for us and my son. Fast forward to Sunday morning just there and I finally end it with C. I had enough of the arguements, the non-change, the broken promises and the pressure that had built up. I couldn't do it, I need a relaxed relationship.
Me, I'm a horizontal kind of person. Go with the flow, organised but not so much so I'll sweat the small stuff. I also like my space.
C - he likes being with his partner 24/7 and gets uptight about a lot.
After we broke up I started talking to my friend (P) again. Me and P are into the same stuff, but mostly get along because we are both single parents and can understand the difficulties and joys faced by being younger and going through that.
Now, C wants to meet and talk on Saturday. Says we can go slower, move at a more normal pace. We originally planned for him to graduate, us to move in together and then get married within about 2 weeks, next summer. Crazy pressure.
P wants to meet me for a birthday drink. We've been friends for a long time and I know it's innocent. However, I know C will flip and not want to discuss anything if he finds out.
Part of my still wants to be with C, but part of me isn't sure it's a wise decisions. Am I only doing it because our history and I know he still loves me, or am I doing it because I want to. Will things change or will it stay the same. Will we recover or won't we. There are lots of variables.
I expected to feel guilty when P asked me for a drink, even though it's platonic. I never.
I enjoy the freedom. I'm only turning 20 for goodness sake.
Don't get me wrong, C isn't a bad person at all. In the beginning he seemed to be what I needed and wanted in a partner, but as the time went on he changed into someone who needed to be with someone that I wasn't and this caused arguements.
Anyone, any opinions? If you've been in a situation similar, what did you do? If not, what would you do? Just any third party to shed another perspective on this would help. My brains very jumbled and not making much rational sense.
EDIT: Oh I should of made it clearer, P wasn't a date or anything. He just asked because he lives about an hour from where I do and hadn't seen me in ages and just wanted to buy one for my birthday since we hadn't seen each other in a while and we used to see each other, through our mutual friends, almost 3-4 times a week at one point. He has also been engaged and broken it off, so he was just offering someone to talk to. We've never shown interest in each other like that.
The reason I expected to feel guilty is because C was so insecure throughout our relationship that even if I spoke to a guy or went for drinks with my gay friend, he would get jealous so I wouldn't do it. I still expected to feel that as it would hurt him, despite it not being anything more than had I gone for a drink with my best friend or something.
EDIT 2: I don't know if the P situation is coming across right. The P situation isn't a 'situation', it isn't P or C. It's whether I should be with C - P was only used because even going for a platonic drink with P might disturb anything that could maybe still be with C, as he is quite insecure. P could be an A-Z for all it matters - he was just mentioned because it might rock the boat between me and C, should I wish to talk with him and decide to go slower.
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Replies
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I would say hold off going for a drink with P for a while until you sort your head out, its only been a few days. There will be plenty of times in the future for drinks, but just now I think it would 'rock the apple cart'....so probably best not to do it while you figure out what you want x0
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3 way, problem solved.0
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My advice is to take it all slow and be open to anything. You're 19! You have a lot of your life ahead of you and you're going to be a completely different person in just a few years. Be willing to be friends with C, P, and the rest of the alphabet, but don't sacrifice your needs and wants (or those of your child) for anyone. Ever.
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You are 20, walk away from the ex. he will change to get back with you and go back to himself once you are in. IT'S A TRAP...run, don't walk!0
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Today's drama brought to you by the letter P...0
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You are 19. ENJOY your 20's. You have the rest of your life to deal with men. Seriously. Go out and do everything you every wanted to do, see, experience!
If I were 19 and your situation, I would say to hell with men and I would take my son and travel the world. You are only 19 once.
Oh wait, never mind, I did do that. I completed a full bucket list of things I wanted to do and so many places/countries I wanted to visit. By the time I was 30, I had already lived such a fulfilling life that I just felt like it was "ok" to settle down.0 -
I am going to be frank. I was in a realationship with a manchild that re-acted the same way as you are explaining. Majority of my friends are male - its just the way I am, its the way I always have been, and its the way I always will be. He entered the relationship knowing that my bestfriend in the world was a man, I made it clear to him that we were friends and that we were extremely close (as in he knows things about me that no one else will ever know). My ex was all "thats fine I can handle it" until he couldn't.
We were good for a year and then fit hit the shan so to speak. I couldn't go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone that didn't include him. I need my space, I like having time to just be by myself, or to go off with friends. I would invite him sometimes but othertimes not because he didn't share our interest in cars, or off roading or anything like that and he found it boring and made it quite clear. The guys I was hanging out with - with the exeption of my best friend were in long term relationships so there was no fear of me hooking up with anyone.
I stuck it out for a year and a half longer than I should before I ended everything. We tried counsiling (it was a joke), I tired ignoring the problem , I tried justifying. I tried EVERYTHING you can think of and nothing ever changed. I ended up with no friends (exept my best friend who stuck by me through all the crap - our relationship had become a complete secret so as to not rock the boat) I was living in a prison, I was extremely depressed, and life was pretty much crap.
Should you go talk to C? I don't know the specifics but maybe talking will help him understand your side. Do not attack, or get angry, just be civil.
Will things change? I doubt it. People like him rarely change - they appear to in the beginning but they always slip back into their ways.
If you do get back with him ask yourself these questions: Can you live like this for the rest of your life? Can you live like this for 6 months? Can you live like this for 6 days?
You have a child to think about, its not just you. Do you want your child to grow up thinking this is a normal healthy relationship?
If you want to go for a drink with P I would go for the drink with P, its platonic. Ensure it stays that way. Friends are great, just don't go jumping into anything you shouldn't be jumping into.0 -
I would be wary of any man who stops you seeing your platonic friends because of his jealousy. Its his insecurity therefore his problem - who needs all that drama?0
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One thing I can say, is that Leopards don't change there spots (known from experience). Like Harvo said, he will be all changey changey for a short while and then go right back to his same old self. If I were you, I would just live life a little (your only 20 for cryin out loud!) and wait for Mr. Right... never dive in too deep at first, because every relationship is going to be awesome for the first few months; it's when the grace period ends will you find out who they truly are as a person.
Just my opinion, of course.
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In situations like this, I always like to ask my self what would Kim Kardashian do? WWKKD0
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So, to cut a long story short this is my dilema:
Me and my now ex-fiance (C) had mutual feelings for each other when we were teenagers, and then lost contact. When we met again those feelings came back but it took us a year to finally get together officially - December 2011. Fast forward to March 2012 and he proposes, 7 days after my 19th birthday. I say yes.
Fast forward another few months and everythings fine and dandy - all honeymoon period and in love. From about October/November onwards it hard been rocky. More and more arguements, less and less periods between them. However we kept at it, for us and my son. Fast forward to Sunday morning just there and I finally end it with C. I had enough of the arguements, the non-change, the broken promises and the pressure that had built up. I couldn't do it, I need a relaxed relationship.
Me, I'm a horizontal kind of person. Go with the flow, organised but not so much so I'll sweat the small stuff. I also like my space.
C - he likes being with his partner 24/7 and gets uptight about a lot.
After we broke up I started talking to my friend (P) again. Me and P are into the same stuff, but mostly get along because we are both single parents and can understand the difficulties and joys faced by being younger and going through that.
Now, C wants to meet and talk on Saturday. Says we can go slower, move at a more normal pace. We originally planned for him to graduate, us to move in together and then get married within about 2 weeks, next summer. Crazy pressure.
P wants to meet me for a birthday drink. We've been friends for a long time and I know it's innocent. However, I know C will flip and not want to discuss anything if he finds out.
Part of my still wants to be with C, but part of me isn't sure it's a wise decisions. Am I only doing it because our history and I know he still loves me, or am I doing it because I want to. Will things change or will it stay the same. Will we recover or won't we. There are lots of variables.
I expected to feel guilty when P asked me for a drink, even though it's platonic. I never.
I enjoy the freedom. I'm only turning 20 for goodness sake.
Don't get me wrong, C isn't a bad person at all. In the beginning he seemed to be what I needed and wanted in a partner, but as the time went on he changed into someone who needed to be with someone that I wasn't and this caused arguements.
Anyone, any opinions? If you've been in a situation similar, what did you do? If not, what would you do? Just any third party to shed another perspective on this would help. My brains very jumbled and not making much rational sense.
EDIT: Oh I should of made it clearer, P wasn't a date or anything. He just asked because he lives about an hour from where I do and hadn't seen me in ages and just wanted to buy one for my birthday since we hadn't seen each other in a while and we used to see each other, through our mutual friends, almost 3-4 times a week at one point. He has also been engaged and broken it off, so he was just offering someone to talk to. We've never shown interest in each other like that.
The reason I expected to feel guilty is because C was so insecure throughout our relationship that even if I spoke to a guy or went for drinks with my gay friend, he would get jealous so I wouldn't do it. I still expected to feel that as it would hurt him, despite it not being anything more than had I gone for a drink with my best friend or something.
I agree with PP... you will sit down with the EX and he will change temporarily. From what I read you are not asking the ex to change habits (like leaving socks on the floor or a dish in the sink) but his personality seems to be what irks you. He is the needy type, wanting to be with you 24/7 and is uptight an I may not know you, but I am pretty sure that is what lead you to break off the engagement.
You are 19 years old; you need to live your life right now and figure things out for yourself and your child. You should probably not go back to your EX and maybe just take some time for yourself to figure out what YOU really want. Your EX is jealous and that is not good. Do you want to be locked up in your house from 20 years old because he is jealous? A relationship is a lot of hard work and you need to work twice as hard to make it work once you are married. Communication and honesty are the most important factors in a marriage and with what you described you can't do either with your EX because of his jealousy issues.
Good Luck with whatever choice you make!0 -
Do you want us to tell you if you should be with him or not? If I tell you not to get back together with him is that going to influence your decision?
What if I told you to get back with him? Will you do that?
"Well P, _DaniD_ seems to think we should give this another shot"0 -
Do you want us to tell you if you should be with him or not? If I tell you not to get back together with him is that going to influence your decision?
What if I told you to get back with him? Will you do that?
"Well P, _DaniD_ seems to think we should give this another shot"
Oh, Dani, I am so glad to hear you say this. Does this mean that you and I have a chance to get back together?0 -
Do you want us to tell you if you should be with him or not? If I tell you not to get back together with him is that going to influence your decision?
What if I told you to get back with him? Will you do that?
"Well P, _DaniD_ seems to think we should give this another shot"
Oh, Dani, I am so glad to hear you say this. Does this mean that you and I have a chance to get back together?
Maybe we should start a thread and see what everyone else thinks about it first.0 -
Do you want us to tell you if you should be with him or not? If I tell you not to get back together with him is that going to influence your decision?
What if I told you to get back with him? Will you do that?
"Well P, _DaniD_ seems to think we should give this another shot"
Oh, Dani, I am so glad to hear you say this. Does this mean that you and I have a chance to get back together?
Maybe we should start a thread and see what everyone else thinks about it first.
Good idea! :flowerforyou:0 -
1. You had to clarify that P was just a friend four times. Thou protesteth too much, me thinks?
2. If C is your ex, who cares what his opinions are on whether you go out with a "friend."0 -
Whats up with all the ****ty piss taking comments!
Who would of thought asking a simply reasonable question would generate such ****ty comments.
I do hope you guys taking the piss ,when you need to seek advice you to get the same response!
There,s a saying that springs to mind,If you haven,t got anything nice to say don,t say anything at all!0 -
My advice is to take it all slow and be open to anything. You're 19! You have a lot of your life ahead of you and you're going to be a completely different person in just a few years. Be willing to be friends with C, P, and the rest of the alphabet, but don't sacrifice your needs and wants (or those of your child) for anyone. Ever.
I agree wholeheartedly with this. Like stated, you're only 19. You have friends, and you shouldn't let anyone tell you that your not allowed to hang out with them. It also sounds like P would be a great person to talk to about things, since he has been through some of the same stuff as you have. It might help you realize what you want, and I think it would be good for you to have someone to talk to.
I think C sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. It sounds like you and P have a great relationship, and one that has some great communication potential, which is great. I think keeping P as a friend (or more later if that's what you want) is a good idea. If C has an issue with it then that's his problem, he's not your bf or fiance, he's an ex. And, he's an EX for a reason. If you do go out with him again, it still wouldn't be okay for him to "not allow" you to go see P or any other guy friends you may have.0 -
woah... that's the short version?0
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