Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up
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Did your wife tell you she pulls her hair up and wears sweats to hide herself? It's kind of really bugging me that you keep saying that. I'm also one of those girls that just likes sweats. It's comfortable and cozy. I don't wear sweats out of the house, but if I'm home that is what I'm wearing 98% of the time. In summer I wear cotton shorts (another thing I wouldn't wear to go out). I don't really get why you think that's a big deal. I would probably punch my husband if he told me I needed to dress up all the time in order to feel good about myself. I get that you think her self esteem has something to do with what she wears, but I think you are dead wrong unless she has specifically said that. It comes off as you trying to control her appearance to try to make her feel a certain way about herself. STOP.
And if you want advice- just leave her alone. Tell her she is beautiful and gorgeous and sexy and how much you love her, like any good husband should do, and then leave it alone. You can't make her feel something she doesn't. And IMO it's incredibly selfish of you to try to make HER insecurities about YOU. Let me tell you a TMI example from my own life (thank God I'm anonymous on here!). A couple weeks ago I bought some new swimsuits online. When I got them and tried them on I was pretty unhappy with how I looked. I am probably pretty similar to your wife. I'm not overweight and most people think I'm tiny, but I don't FEEL tiny. I see all the stuff that jiggles and the rolls when the clothes are off, know what I mean? Anyway, my husband later asked how the suits looked. I told him that they just weren't very flattering and I was going to return them. Fast forward about half an hour and he wants to "do stuff". He asked me to try on my swimsuits so he could see how they looked and I told him several times I really didn't want to and that they didn't look good and made me feel fat. He kept bugging me so I tried them on. Of course seeing myself in them again made me feel like crap and the most unattractive unsexy thing ever. So I got upset and told him I wasn't in the mood at all anymore and that he shouldn't have pushed the issue. He got upset and said he just thinks I'm not attracted to him and blah blah. I told him exactly what I just told you. That he was self centered to think MY problem was all about him. Sometimes it's just my problem and one that I need to deal with. Maybe she feels her best in sweats. By you pushing her to "dress up" she may be feeling even more low BECAUSE of you. You really need to just leave it alone.0 -
I would rather my wife be 10 lbs heavier and feel sexy, than 10lbs lighter and feel pathetic. She is so much more attractive when she acts like she is worth something, than almost anything else she can do. Thats not to say I want her to gain 50lbs, because I dont, but I do want her to feel good about herself.
I get that this is a weight loss site and stuff, but that doesn't negate the fact that you're sort of contradicting yourself here. You want her to feel good about herself, but with certain stipulations? 10 pounds is cool but not 50? Again, I get that this is MFP and I get that maybe she wouldn't feel more confident if she gained 50 pounds. The point: It's obvious you do care about how she looks in addition to how she feels. It could be possible that this kind of attitude is (maybe even subconsciously) trickling into your daily lives and the comments you make? Especially with the throwing away of the hair ties and stuff like that. Body policing (in any shape or form – whether it's "positive" or not) has the potential to perpetuate feelings of low self-esteem and the works. I'd try to be positive about her/her body/personality/self worth without ACTIVELY trying to change her. Does that make sense?
I tend to agree with this post. It's quite possible that you are not intentionally feeding this issue. You believe she needs more confidence. You believe she has an insecurity problem. You believe she doesn't care about herself. You believe she needs to be "fixed." Though you may not know it, you may be sending her these messages. In your attempt to "get her to have more confidence," you are saying "you are broken and I don't like you because you don't have confidence." Do you see the irony? I know you love her but she very well could be caught in a loop with you. She senses you don't quite accept her for her very core-- that there is something about her you actually do want to change. That makes her even more insecure...and so on.
My suggestion is to lay off. Just love her for the person she already is regardless. Self doubt, worry, -- all normal especially when you we are young. It's part of the process. Just stand by and love her -- don't try to fix her and don't imply that she's broken.0 -
I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
With love,
Burt
This was how I felt also.
Really? Have you ever been with someone who is insecure? They need constant reassurance. The OP explained this in great detail. It is absolutely exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone of their worth. And it is not fair to the person who has to do the reassuring because no matter what they do or say, no matter what tactics they try, the insecure person does not listen to them and their self-image is not improved. It's highly frustrating to have to maintain someone else's self-esteem while trying to maintain your own.0 -
If someone kept pushing me to 'try I would feel like I wasn't good enough the way I was. I like perfectly natural. I like putting my hair up sometimes. If some on wanted me to dress up and wear my hair a certain way, it would make me wonder if I'm just not good enough just the way i am. I'll do those things when I want. Not because someone else feels I need to do them. That would have gotten on my last nerve long before three years passed.0
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I realized about a year ago that to a degree, it really didn't matter what I thought at all.
Try applying this principle to how you behave towards your wife.0 -
Interesting post and what a mix of replies.0
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It seems to me that you're a husband who really cares, but maybe you just need to sit down and have a conversation with her about what she's going through. You know, instead of throwing out hair bands (wearing hair bands does not mean a loss of self esteem, trust me -- I love my hair down, but sometimes it's just more comfortable to wear it up!).
I could be way off here, but I think age has a part to play. I felt pretty lost in my early 20s and had lots of weird phases sort of trying to figure myself out, and being in a relationship, I think, confused me more....so it's possible that being married has a part to play for your wife. It's hard enough trying to figure yourself out when you're on your own, but with someone else in the picture influencing who you are, sometimes it's hard figuring out how much of you has been influenced by your relationship and how much of you is who you really are deep down. Maybe she just needs some more girl nights or some daily meditation time to do some soul searching on her own. You won't know unless you have a serious conversation with her. She may not even know what she needs right now, but at least a conversation with her will provide more meaningful answers for you, and for her a greater understanding of why you tossed her hair bands! I mean, dude, really? I think you were reading way too into that hair band thing...0 -
How about you discuss this all with your wife instead of strangers on a forum.0
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Us women are crazy creatures.
Never happy with the way we look. Show her some pictures of fat ugly mutants like me and she might start loving herself more.
Support her, cuddle her and most of all TALK to her.0 -
How about you discuss this all with your wife instead of strangers on a forum.
He's doing research on the female psyche before engaging in a war of words. It's very smart of him, actually.0 -
That's why it's called "self" esteem. It's not something YOU or him should be trying to fix. Positive reinforcement is enough.
And I'm sorry, but I wear jeans, a huge hoodie, and a long ponytail EVERY day. I don't give a **** if you think it's because of low self esteem.
On the contrary actually! I am not a piece of meat and it is not our job as women to constantly try and visually please you. I AM happy with the way I look, why can't I be comfortable? Is dressing up all girly and trying so hard admitting that I'm not happy with myself just the way I am?I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
With love,
Burt
This was how I felt also.
Really? Have you ever been with someone who is insecure? They need constant reassurance. The OP explained this in great detail. It is absolutely exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone of their worth. And it is not fair to the person who has to do the reassuring because no matter what they do or say, no matter what tactics they try, the insecure person does not listen to them and their self-image is not improved. It's highly frustrating to have to maintain someone else's self-esteem while trying to maintain your own.0 -
Based on this very small window into your marriage I would say she is a bit immature and you're a bit controlling.
22 is young. She may be smart and beautiful and in many aspects mature, but IMO it takes time for a woman to feel comfortable with who she is.
I wouldn't equate "not dressing up" with not respecting herself. If a woman is comfortable enough to wear baggy clothes, not wear makeup and pull her hair back...sometimes it's just that she's comfortable around you.0 -
Um, I'm sorry but you kind of reinforce her lack of self confidence by how you treat her. Viewing somebody with self confidence issues as selfish because it means she's not as available to you sexually is frightening.
Yes, absolutely. The whole original post was weird, weird weird.0 -
So, you want your wife to have more self-confidence, but you rip her apart when she puts her hair in a ponytail and go into details about her lack of confidence on a public message board?
I'm so glad that I found an amazing man who doesn't love me less when I decide to wear my hair in a ponytail.0 -
some women have low self esteem because they're comparing their body image to what they see in the media, not realizing that most of those people have a team around them making sure they look perfect and a lot of those pics are airbrushed, when the paparazzi catches them on the street running errands living their lives without the makeup and hair people around celebrities always look horrible0
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Um, I'm sorry but you kind of reinforce her lack of self confidence by how you treat her. Viewing somebody with self confidence issues as selfish because it means she's not as available to you sexually is frightening.
Yeah, this too!
The whole thing was just weird. I don't even know where to start.
Quoting this because it needs to be seen by the, "Omg, Edward Cullen is a great boyfriend" responses.0 -
How about you discuss this all with your wife instead of strangers on a forum.
He's doing research on the female psyche before engaging in a war of words. It's very smart of him, actually.
Yes, but I'm not sure his wife would appreciate him posting all her personal problems on a public forum. Personally, I would want my husband to come to me first. I'd be embarrassed if I knew he was asking a ton of strangers for advice on a personal matter. But thats just me. She may not feel the same way
Plus, from the sounds of it, it seems like she needs professional help (not saying this is a bad thing!). I dont think we can really help her or him.0 -
Having been someone who was insecure, I surely didn't need constant reassurance, and I surely didn't need or want someone frustrating themselves on my behalf--especially without being asked. That would have just made me feel worse!Really? Have you ever been with someone who is insecure? They need constant reassurance. The OP explained this in great detail. It is absolutely exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone of their worth. And it is not fair to the person who has to do the reassuring because no matter what they do or say, no matter what tactics they try, the insecure person does not listen to them and their self-image is not improved. It's highly frustrating to have to maintain someone else's self-esteem while trying to maintain your own.0 -
I guess my whole mindset goes on a few things:
1) I dress up all week for work. Wouldn't YOU want to put on comfy clothes? Or really... you'd rather go to the store, run errands etc in over-the-top clothes? Personally, I think my husband looks best in the clothes he's comfortable in, no matter what it is, and he thinks the same of me.
2) You seem to be concentrating more on the physical aspect of your wife instead of the wonderful, beautiful personality that should have drawn you into her. What's that old saying, "A good heart keeps you beautiful forever, but looks fade."
3) Did you ever really have a discussion with your wife about self-esteem issues, and if anyone in her younger years ever hindered her? My father used to tell me that I was a beautiful child, but as I got older and put on weight, he was very rude towards me, and in public would tell me that I've gained a ton of weight (as if I needed the reminder). I found out recently from my husband how much he resents my father for those times he said something because it's like a constant reminder in the back of my head whenever I look in the mirror, I'm not good enough. My husband is so loving and supportive of all of my aspects of weight loss, even the highs and lows, and he ALWAYS says to me that he wouldn't change me, but whatever makes me happy makes him happy.
of course, I'm going to suggest the whole "marriage counseling" thing, just because if you have an honest, true third party getting both of the side of the story, they can give you both the help that you both need. Not saying that this marriage is in jeopardy, but if she has deeper issues, a counselor/therapist can help you both to figure out what you BOTH want/need.0 -
This.So, you want your wife to have more self-confidence, but you rip her apart when she puts her hair in a ponytail and go into details about her lack of confidence on a public message board?
I'm so glad that I found an amazing man who doesn't love me less when I decide to wear my hair in a ponytail.
Also, sweatpants. Lurve sweatpants.0 -
Um, I'm sorry but you kind of reinforce her lack of self confidence by how you treat her. Viewing somebody with self confidence issues as selfish because it means she's not as available to you sexually is frightening.
Yeah, this too!
The whole thing was just weird. I don't even know where to start.
Quoting this because it needs to be seen by the, "Omg, Edward Cullen is a great boyfriend" responses.
See, and I was thinking he sounded like a dead ringer for Christian Grey. Haven't read it, but preeeeetty sure I picked up what they were putting down. :sick:0 -
This.So, you want your wife to have more self-confidence, but you rip her apart when she puts her hair in a ponytail and go into details about her lack of confidence on a public message board?
I'm so glad that I found an amazing man who doesn't love me less when I decide to wear my hair in a ponytail.
Also, sweatpants. Lurve sweatpants.
Agreed!0 -
OP, I totally understand since I'm a similar age and went through some super low self esteem recently. Like some others said, just keep being nice. My bf would keep saying nice things and it took me a long time to believe him. I felt so bad too because I didn't want him near me and I kept comparing myself to others. Eventually, I got rid of anything that would make me feel bad, including social networking, mirrors, baggy clothes, and bad food. One day I just told him that I was so sick of myself. I think she needs that moment. And she is lucky to have you there to listen to her.
Plus, you can always make a long list of why you love her and give it to her on a date night or something.
I hope things work out!0 -
Um, I'm sorry but you kind of reinforce her lack of self confidence by how you treat her. Viewing somebody with self confidence issues as selfish because it means she's not as available to you sexually is frightening.
Yeah, this too!
The whole thing was just weird. I don't even know where to start.
Quoting this because it needs to be seen by the, "Omg, Edward Cullen is a great boyfriend" responses.
See, and I was thinking he sounded like a dead ringer for Christian Grey. Haven't read it, but preeeeetty sure I picked up what they were putting down. :sick:
Seeing as how ONE IS THE OTHER *coughplagiarismcough*0 -
Also: One day your wife is going to be an old lady. Saggy boobs and all. And you're going to be an old man with saggy...well, you get the point. If your marriage stands the test of time, you had better be in love with the inner person. Youth and beauty fade far quicker than young people realize. Life goes by in a flash. You'll wake up one day, look in the mirror, and be SHOCKED at the old person looking back at you. You still feel like you. You still feel YOUNG. But you won't be. Wild, passionate, crazy sex will end eventually too. Or else you'll break a hip.
So, you better be prepared to love her in any condition.0 -
Thank you, for posting this. I don't know what the sacred importance to hairbands is about (maybe because I hacked all my hair off!) so I actually read the entire post.
First off, she could just really really REALLY like baggy shirts and sweats because they are convenient! That aside...
You seem to be genuinely concerned about your wife. I don't know what the entire journey has been like for you two, but it seems like she can't see herself beyond whatever started transformation. I think a lot of her rejection to your compliments and support is partially because of that. If she can't see her own beauty without all the fancy get-ups and makeup, then what you say can seem false whether she's dressed up or not. Have you tried sitting down with her to explain how her denial acutally hurts YOU? Maybe, if she sees that you really do support her sincerely, she will be able to start accepting your praise.
A less direct approach might be to find a photo (or ask to take one) of her when she has put the extra effort in. Not evening gown and movie makeup, mind you. Something like Sunday-morning-brunch. Get it sized up. Put it on the wall in the livingroom. Tell her you want it for your office desk. Let her know how much that look means to you. It might not help too much with the self esteem issue, but if she gets enough feedback about looking nicer, she might not turn immediately for her comfort clothes.
Finally...just keep showing her you love her. That will be that absolute best thing you can do for her.
This is the best possible answer here. Kudos to you, OP. If all men were like you, the world would be a much better place.0 -
Seeing as how ONE IS THE OTHER *coughplagiarismcough*
As long as you call it fan fiction, apparently it's totally fine! :laugh:0 -
I feel bad for you, OP. I am a wife with a healthy, positive self-image. I love my body and I'm very comfortable sharing it whole-heartedly with my husband. I KNOW that my good attitude towards myself makes my husband feel really great about himself (I think it helps a guy feel content and happy when he knows his woman is happy) and it helps set the tone for our relationship. Plus, if I show respect for myself, it almost seems to command respect from others. My husband is proud of his wife - and vice versa - and that's a great feeling for both of us.
We both make an effort to keep ourselves attractive for one another and the thought and care we put into ourselves really helps keep the marriage feeling vibrant and alive. As you said, it's not about being perfect - athough it's nice to do your best - it's more about the attitude and spirit you bring to your relationship.
Someone who isn't happy with him/herself isn't going to send out the best vibes. Don't blame yourself when your wife is down on herself. It's not necessarily a reflection of your spousal performance. As a supportive spouse, continue to find ways to show her that she is attractive to you and be sure to acknowledge the things that SHE does/says that make you feel good about yourself. Just don't get controlling or pushy (like throwing her stuff away). That kind of thing usually backfires.
Another poster mentioned that she could be depressed or feeling overwhelmed. Did she always have this negative attitude or is it something that has kind of come on over time? Maybe you could suggest a visit with a therapist to see what's up...
Good luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
Honest opinion....you're blind to her needs. Get off your own desires of the physicality. Love is not that for which you see0
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When I wear my baggy clothes and t-shirt and my hair is a mess it doesn't mean that I don't value myself. Every person has some sort of image issue of one kind or another and I know for me it had nothing to do with me being selfish just more of being young and unsure of myself and still sort of believing those romantic kind of fairytale marriage things that are eventually outgrown. I've been married a little while now and my husband has always been amazing and the best part about it is that he always make me feel sexy even when I know I look like a hot mess and that is what gives me the confidence boost I need. The fact that he finds me attractive when im covered in whatever my day involved with the house and the kids makes me feel awesome. I know that if he threw away my hair bands and told me I needed to invest more time in my appearance, it would make me feel like there was something wrong with me and even more insecure about myself. Let her be her, hair bands and baggy clothes and all of that if thats what she's comfortable with you shouldn't make her uncomfortable just because you don't like it.0
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