Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

Did your wife tell you she pulls her hair up and wears sweats to hide herself? It's kind of really bugging me that you keep saying that. I'm also one of those girls that just likes sweats. It's comfortable and cozy. I don't wear sweats out of the house, but if I'm home that is what I'm wearing 98% of the time. In summer I wear cotton shorts (another thing I wouldn't wear to go out). I don't really get why you think that's a big deal. I would probably punch my husband if he told me I needed to dress up all the time in order to feel good about myself. I get that you think her self esteem has something to do with what she wears, but I think you are dead wrong unless she has specifically said that. It comes off as you trying to control her appearance to try to make her feel a certain way about herself. STOP.

And if you want advice- just leave her alone. Tell her she is beautiful and gorgeous and sexy and how much you love her, like any good husband should do, and then leave it alone. You can't make her feel something she doesn't. And IMO it's incredibly selfish of you to try to make HER insecurities about YOU. Let me tell you a TMI example from my own life (thank God I'm anonymous on here!). A couple weeks ago I bought some new swimsuits online. When I got them and tried them on I was pretty unhappy with how I looked. I am probably pretty similar to your wife. I'm not overweight and most people think I'm tiny, but I don't FEEL tiny. I see all the stuff that jiggles and the rolls when the clothes are off, know what I mean? Anyway, my husband later asked how the suits looked. I told him that they just weren't very flattering and I was going to return them. Fast forward about half an hour and he wants to "do stuff". He asked me to try on my swimsuits so he could see how they looked and I told him several times I really didn't want to and that they didn't look good and made me feel fat. He kept bugging me so I tried them on. Of course seeing myself in them again made me feel like crap and the most unattractive unsexy thing ever. So I got upset and told him I wasn't in the mood at all anymore and that he shouldn't have pushed the issue. He got upset and said he just thinks I'm not attracted to him and blah blah. I told him exactly what I just told you. That he was self centered to think MY problem was all about him. Sometimes it's just my problem and one that I need to deal with. Maybe she feels her best in sweats. By you pushing her to "dress up" she may be feeling even more low BECAUSE of you. You really need to just leave it alone.

I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
With love,
Burt

This was how I felt also.

Really? Have you ever been with someone who is insecure? They need constant reassurance. The OP explained this in great detail. It is absolutely exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone of their worth. And it is not fair to the person who has to do the reassuring because no matter what they do or say, no matter what tactics they try, the insecure person does not listen to them and their self-image is not improved. It's highly frustrating to have to maintain someone else's self-esteem while trying to maintain your own.

I realized about a year ago that to a degree, it really didn't matter what I thought at all.

Try applying this principle to how you behave towards your wife.

It seems to me that you're a husband who really cares, but maybe you just need to sit down and have a conversation with her about what she's going through. You know, instead of throwing out hair bands (wearing hair bands does not mean a loss of self esteem, trust me -- I love my hair down, but sometimes it's just more comfortable to wear it up!).

I could be way off here, but I think age has a part to play. I felt pretty lost in my early 20s and had lots of weird phases sort of trying to figure myself out, and being in a relationship, I think, confused me more....so it's possible that being married has a part to play for your wife. It's hard enough trying to figure yourself out when you're on your own, but with someone else in the picture influencing who you are, sometimes it's hard figuring out how much of you has been influenced by your relationship and how much of you is who you really are deep down. Maybe she just needs some more girl nights or some daily meditation time to do some soul searching on her own. You won't know unless you have a serious conversation with her. She may not even know what she needs right now, but at least a conversation with her will provide more meaningful answers for you, and for her a greater understanding of why you tossed her hair bands! I mean, dude, really? I think you were reading way too into that hair band thing...

Us women are crazy creatures.

Never happy with the way we look. Show her some pictures of fat ugly mutants like me and she might start loving herself more.

Support her, cuddle her and most of all TALK to her.

That's why it's called "self" esteem. It's not something YOU or him should be trying to fix. Positive reinforcement is enough.

And I'm sorry, but I wear jeans, a huge hoodie, and a long ponytail EVERY day. I don't give a **** if you think it's because of low self esteem.

On the contrary actually! I am not a piece of meat and it is not our job as women to constantly try and visually please you. I AM happy with the way I look, why can't I be comfortable? Is dressing up all girly and trying so hard admitting that I'm not happy with myself just the way I am?

I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
With love,
Burt

This was how I felt also.

Really? Have you ever been with someone who is insecure? They need constant reassurance. The OP explained this in great detail. It is absolutely exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone of their worth. And it is not fair to the person who has to do the reassuring because no matter what they do or say, no matter what tactics they try, the insecure person does not listen to them and their self-image is not improved. It's highly frustrating to have to maintain someone else's self-esteem while trying to maintain your own.

Um, I'm sorry but you kind of reinforce her lack of self confidence by how you treat her. Viewing somebody with self confidence issues as selfish because it means she's not as available to you sexually is frightening.

Yes, absolutely. The whole original post was weird, weird weird.

some women have low self esteem because they're comparing their body image to what they see in the media, not realizing that most of those people have a team around them making sure they look perfect and a lot of those pics are airbrushed, when the paparazzi catches them on the street running errands living their lives without the makeup and hair people around celebrities always look horrible

How about you discuss this all with your wife instead of strangers on a forum.

He's doing research on the female psyche before engaging in a war of words. It's very smart of him, actually.

Yes, but I'm not sure his wife would appreciate him posting all her personal problems on a public forum. Personally, I would want my husband to come to me first. I'd be embarrassed if I knew he was asking a ton of strangers for advice on a personal matter. But thats just me. She may not feel the same way




Plus, from the sounds of it, it seems like she needs professional help (not saying this is a bad thing!). I dont think we can really help her or him.

I guess my whole mindset goes on a few things:

1) I dress up all week for work. Wouldn't YOU want to put on comfy clothes? Or really... you'd rather go to the store, run errands etc in over-the-top clothes? Personally, I think my husband looks best in the clothes he's comfortable in, no matter what it is, and he thinks the same of me.

2) You seem to be concentrating more on the physical aspect of your wife instead of the wonderful, beautiful personality that should have drawn you into her. What's that old saying, "A good heart keeps you beautiful forever, but looks fade."

3) Did you ever really have a discussion with your wife about self-esteem issues, and if anyone in her younger years ever hindered her? My father used to tell me that I was a beautiful child, but as I got older and put on weight, he was very rude towards me, and in public would tell me that I've gained a ton of weight (as if I needed the reminder). I found out recently from my husband how much he resents my father for those times he said something because it's like a constant reminder in the back of my head whenever I look in the mirror, I'm not good enough. My husband is so loving and supportive of all of my aspects of weight loss, even the highs and lows, and he ALWAYS says to me that he wouldn't change me, but whatever makes me happy makes him happy.

of course, I'm going to suggest the whole "marriage counseling" thing, just because if you have an honest, true third party getting both of the side of the story, they can give you both the help that you both need. Not saying that this marriage is in jeopardy, but if she has deeper issues, a counselor/therapist can help you both to figure out what you BOTH want/need.