Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up
Replies
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Really? Have you ever been with someone who is insecure? They need constant reassurance. The OP explained this in great detail. It is absolutely exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone of their worth. And it is not fair to the person who has to do the reassuring because no matter what they do or say, no matter what tactics they try, the insecure person does not listen to them and their self-image is not improved. It's highly frustrating to have to maintain someone else's self-esteem while trying to maintain your own.
I've been with my husband for 15 years (and we were friends for another two years before that). I have my own history that had a very damaging impact on how I view myself and on how I saw my worth as being completely intertwined with my sexual attractiveness. My husband knows this and understands this, so he knows what I have been through. And when he sees me struggling he can help remind me that this is the damage from my past, and he reminds me of the healthy ways I have coped and been able to overcome that. I have, at many times in my life, struggled with a distorted sense of how I looked. My husband is amazing. He has always adored me and helped me to see myself through his eyes. I know that how he sees me does matter. When I feel down about myself, I know that I could spiral into a bad place, so I remind myself of how my husband sees me and that I value him and our relationship. I have a lot of feelings about myself, but I deal with them in my own mind because I know my husband does not see me the way I see myself, so I don't need to always share those thoughts and feelings with him, I can manage them for myself. I also know that the way I feel about myself is how I feel about myself and not how my husband feels about me. I am completely comfortable and uninhibited around my husband because I know how much he is attracted to me and he also says that my comfort with my body and sexuality is one of the things he likes about me.
Also, I know that I can trust him because when I ask him questions about what I need to work on for my fitness, he is honest with me. He doesn't claim that I don't need to work on something that I know full well that I do need to (if I want to be my best fitness).
So, I'm just saying that a woman can have these issues and not have it impact her relationship. But, I do need support from my husband. If my husband behaved and thought in some of the ways as this OP, it would not improve the issues at all. I also find it odd that he felt the need to detail it out in order to try and teach all us women something.0 -
If only YOU could fix this...but you can't. It's called SELF-esteem for a reason. >,<
I do think that your writing about how sexy self-esteem is, and how very much more important it is to a person's attractiveness than any external factor, is awesome and good for people to hear -- thanks for that!
I struggled with self-esteem for many years -- including being obsessed about my looks and my body, and finally reaching a place where I can "technically" look half as good but feel (and come across!) twice as sexy -- and I wrote some articles about it that maybe someone will find helpful, too. Best of luck to us all -- women and men alike -- because appreciating and respecting yourself really IS the single biggest factor in your happiness IMO.
Article: http://www.puredoxyk.com/index.php/2012/01/31/self-esteem-for-smart-people-part-one/
Thanks!0 -
ditto.
Maybe she likes to be comfortable some days. Because guess what?...dressing up isn't that comfortable. She should be able to dress however she wants around you. Hopefully you married her for more than her looks. If she is like me, it takes more than an hour for her to really get ready and do her hair. Would you spend over an hour on your looks each day, if it was just so she thinks you look presentable?
I can't believe you are happy she is working out. I bet she really disgusts you when she is sweaty.0 -
therapy?0
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OP, you sound like a great guy. Here's my feedback for what it's worth:
The hairband thing:
Your remarks about my appearance would hurt me. I would feel that you are being critical of me. Nothing has been sexier than a boyfriend that sees me scrubbing the toliet and he says something about liking the way my *kitten* looks bent over. A woman wants to hear that you love her...all of her...in any state. Ever. Unconditionally. She's sexy when she's a mess. She's a goddess when she's fixed up. Part of your wife's lack of self-esteem could be, unintentionally, partly your fault. Ease up on her, man. Be there for her all the time, and be proud of your beautiful wife in public no matter how dumpy she looks. At 22 years old, she's not even grown into herself yet.
Try these words at a moment she isn't expecting it. When she's cleaning or cooking, catch her in your arms, kiss her face all over with a playful attitude, then be serious a moment...look her lovingly in the eyes and say softly, "Marrying you... was the best decision I've ever made. I'm so proud of you. I really hope you know just how much I love you."
Instead of focusing your compliments on her outward appearance, focus on all that you love about her inside. Self-esteem is an inward problem. So start there. Build her up from the inside out. Show her that you love her at the very core.
Because let me tell you. I'm a big girl. 282 lbs. at my biggest. 239 lbs. now. And my weight hasn't stopped me from buying sexy lingerie and having wild, passionate sex every way possible. Yes, I know you didn't want that visual. :laugh: My point is, I'm able to do that because I'm accepting of who I am, and my boyfriends and past lovers wanted ME....just exactly the way I am.
Do that for your girl, and you'll have her hanging off the chandelier. :drinker:
I couldn't have said it better. But, here's what's left of my contribution.... Pointing out how she's "hiding herself" will only create resentment & a communication gap in your marriage. Personally, I love my hair in a ponytail & being in sweats or jeans & no make-up but I get what you're saying... That's not her. But maybe, just maybe, some days it is. Don't pressure her. Provide small frequent doses of unconditional love. Give her space & freedom to grow as an individual. Love her for who she is, even her insecurities. Make light of it & eventually she will too. Focus & nurture the positive. Everything else will take care of itself.0 -
Thank you; It was definitely meant to be that I read this tonight.0
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I've been reading a blog lately by a young lady with similar self worth issues. Your wife might enjoy reading it. It is both inspiring and funny.
http://thewunderyear.wordpress.com/0 -
I applaud you. You and my husband are cut from the same cloth.
My husband thinks I'm beautiful no matter if I'm a size 8 or a size 12 (God love him) but with the compliments being so natural, there is nothing spontaneous about them. Most of the time I feel like the compliments are just part of what he feels he should say as a husband trying to be a good husband.
Occasionally when I get dressed up, if he says "DAMN!" I know I hit the nail on the head.
Many women feel if they could also turn other people's heads, they are still hot.
For me, unfortunately, this is me too.
His opinion matters a lot to me and the same will be with your wife, but try to be spontaneous with your compliments.0 -
This is the best possible answer here. Kudos to you, OP. If all men were like you, the world would be a much better place.
Seriously? I mean really?
I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.0 -
Seeing as how ONE IS THE OTHER *coughplagiarismcough*
Absolutely!0 -
litle things matter more than anything. I love it when my boyfriend leaves me notes and hides them before he goes out of town for work so I can find them like last week he left one in my dress draw and all it said was I love you. and I will do the same to him by hiding them in his lunch box or computer bag and thats one of our ways of letting each other know we thinks about each other every chance we gets. and he knows when i'm at home I wear my sweats and tshirts alot because we never know when were going to get into a project around the house and I dont want to mess up my good clothes. but when we go out to eat or something I will dress nice and let my hair down to feel like a women. but all women have there days were they dont care what anyone thinks about how they look they just want confee clothes on and to relax. just rember are you confee when you dressed up all the time in a suit.0
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Seriously? I mean really?
I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.
No. That train of thought makes me feel like I don't get women either. And I am one.0 -
Seriously? I mean really?
I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.0 -
Continue with those lovely compliments, your wife is young. with time she will become more comfortable and there's nothing wrong with telling her how you feels. Communication is best on everything especially those intimate settings you spoke of.0
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............... You threw her hair bands away????? :noway: Not cool.0
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Trust me, I don't get it either.
i'm in on the i dont get this train0 -
Seriously? I mean really?
I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.0 -
Seeing as how ONE IS THE OTHER *coughplagiarismcough*
The 50 Shades series is actually a fan fiction that started online and is openly and acceptably known as a spin off of the Twilight series. After copious amounts of praise the buzz about the fan fiction made it to.the publishers where they requested elaboration on the story in order to release it in book form. So not technically plagiarism but definitely not originality.
That being said I have fortunately never read the books but have worked around books long enough to deduce as much as I will everneed to know about the series.0 -
I've been with my husband for 15 years (and we were friends for another two years before that). I have my own history that had a very damaging impact on how I view myself and on how I saw my worth as being completely intertwined with my sexual attractiveness. My husband knows this and understands this, so he knows what I have been through. And when he sees me struggling he can help remind me that this is the damage from my past, and he reminds me of the healthy ways I have coped and been able to overcome that. I have, at many times in my life, struggled with a distorted sense of how I looked. My husband is amazing. He has always adored me and helped me to see myself through his eyes. I know that how he sees me does matter. When I feel down about myself, I know that I could spiral into a bad place, so I remind myself of how my husband sees me and that I value him and our relationship. I have a lot of feelings about myself, but I deal with them in my own mind because I know my husband does not see me the way I see myself, so I don't need to always share those thoughts and feelings with him, I can manage them for myself. I also know that the way I feel about myself is how I feel about myself and not how my husband feels about me. I am completely comfortable and uninhibited around my husband because I know how much he is attracted to me and he also says that my comfort with my body and sexuality is one of the things he likes about me.
So, I'm just saying that a woman can have these issues and not have it impact her relationship. But, I do need support from my husband. If my husband behaved and thought in some of the ways as this OP, it would not improve the issues at all. I also find it odd that he felt the need to detail it out in order to try and teach all us women something.
You said that a woman can have those issues and not have them impact her relationship? Perhaps you just didn't notice how much the relationship was, indeed, impacted.0 -
Ugh! Look at her glasses! And ponytail! And paint covered overalls! That is disgusting!
And those of you who love sweatpants need to be shipped to concentration camps to be reprogrammed. Stop being so selfish and think of my needs.
But...but what if my sweatpants say "Sexy" on the *kitten*? That's cool, right?0 -
No. That train of thought makes me feel like I don't get women either. And I am one.
Ummmm just. No. Wow. If my husband took a picture of me and made it clear that *that* was the acceptable behavior he wouldn't be my husband for very long. This is absurd. Hmmmm, maybe this would work on a 5 year old, but I can't think of any intelligent grown woman who wouldn't be able to see through that.0 -
Trust me, I don't get it either.
Glad I am not the only one0 -
Very informative.
I think I've finally found why the term "douchecanoe" was coined.0 -
But...but what if my sweatpants say "Sexy" on the *kitten*? That's cool, right?
:laugh:0 -
I keep picturing Laura Palmer's senior portrait, from Twin Peaks. Not sure I would want to feel I was in a David Lynch style relationship!
That's EXACTLY what I was thinking of.
And we all know what happened to Laura.
Thanks, but no thanks.0 -
But...but what if my sweatpants say "Sexy" on the *kitten*? That's cool, right?
NO! Men dont need things labeled to identify them!0 -
Let's see..You married her when she was 19, you get mad when she does not dress up, you trow her stuff out. You started a thread about her "sabotaging herself" so that strangers on the internet would judge and belittle her for not being there for you sexually when you want it because she does not feel pretty. She should feel pretty when i'm horny dammit!
I have a hunch you might have something to do with her self esteem level.
Did it ever occur to you that she might just like her hair up, or she is more comfortable that way? You trowing her hair bands out tells her "you look like **** with your hair up".0 -
You said that a woman can have those issues and not have them impact her relationship? Perhaps you just didn't notice how much the relationship was, indeed, impacted.
I'm sorry, but I know more about my relationship than you do. And clearly you do not understand what I said at all, if that is what you come away with. Not a very insightful person.
My husband and I are both human. And we are open and honest with each other. He has issues of his own as well. And I am a support to him. And we also deal with our issues on our own, as people should. We do not make one another a therapist. We are husband and wife. The issues that we each have are very minor in comparison to the strengths that we have and that we each bring to the relationship. He thanks me on a regular basis. And he has said very clearly that he thinks I have an incredible amount of actual self love because of how I care for myself. And that the level of comfort that I have with my body is more than he has ever seen (the level of how completely uninhibited I am). I am a dancer, so it is part of my life. He also says that I have an incredible amount of strength and that the small amount that my (incredibly horrendous past) has had an impact on me is so minimal that if I had not gone through that he thinks I would not struggle with those issues at all. And it has never impacted me in a way any further than just a few thoughts here and there. I never had an eating disorder or anything of that sort. He appreciates me very deeply. And I appreciate him very deeply. We have a wonderful relationship and we are parents together.
Being aware of things and where they originate from (as I have clearly illustrated, without over-sharing) goes a long way towards solving problems.
You really need to learn to expand your horizons a bit, read and listen a little better, be a bit more insightful. You are jumping to some pretty big conclusions based on very minimal information.0 -
Seriously? I mean really?
I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.
Adding my vote to the "WTF?" column.0 -
You know, I feel like at times, i could relate to your wife. Have you ever thought about telling her that her self-sabotage, be littleing herself, kind of puts you off and you take that as a turn off?
If my boyfriend mentioned this, it might change my tune of myself...(at least those days where i don't feel like taking off my camo pants or bunny hug). So thank you so much for your opinion on it....and on behalf of the guys who don't have it in them to say anything0
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